Writer's Caffe

December 13, 2009

Skip School

Filed under: How2: — amerkaj @ 11:34 am
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HowTo:Skip School

The actors from Grease skipped school at Fagi Hayr High to go to this photo shoot for a Gay/Straight Alliance advertisement.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

~ Ferris Bueller on Philosophy

Didn’t study for the big algebra test? “Lost” your homework? Poverty got you down? Pieces of evidence surrounding the “extra-curricular activities” scandal with your teacher slowly coming into the eye of justice? Never fear! Skipping school is here to save the day!

Now, you may ask, what is this alleged, so-called “skipping of school?” How does it affect me, and more importantly, my tax dollars? How do I, a simple everyman with naught but the clothes on my back and some lint in my pocket, “skip” a “school”? Hey, hey, slow down there, sonny boy! We’ll get to that! Just sit back, relax, and try not to do anything stupid.


So you’re going to commit truancy: the basics of skipping school

For whatever the reason, you’ve decided to skip school. Congratulations! That was more or less the hardest part. Now that you have this goal in mind, you must not back down. If you back down now, you will be readily mocked by your peers and made a pariah. You will be a wimp. Oh, and that nervous tingle in your stomach is called Peer Pressure. Don’t worry! Not only is the feeling temporary, but will help you make some of the best decisions in your life! With time, you will learn to use peer pressure to your advantage as a scapegoat[1]. But until such a time comes, just follow the tingle through the path of Truancy.

But what is Truancy? Webster’s defines Truancy as “an act or instance of playing truant; the state of being truant“. It defines Truant as “What you are when you are committing truancy“… But seriously, what is truancy? Basically, it is the act of skipping school in a country where compulsory schooling is the law. It was invented in the 1700s by three rambunctious schoolyard chums who, rather than walk uphill both ways in a blizzard to get to school at 5:00 in the morning, decided to hang out all day at the pub. A wise decision, in retrospect; a day in which three 17-year-old farm boys would otherwise be learning rudimentary math skills turned into a legacy that would begin and end in their local school flogging room. Still, the idea caught on, especially after the banning of most forms of corporal punishment in United States schools (except for Massachusetts).


At this time it is worth noting that, in many countries such as the U.S. and U.K., truancy is illegal. However, this bullet can be dodged easily by making up excuses.

The Classic: “I’m sick”

Feigning sickness is not only a primary warning sign of Hypochondria, but also a relatively easy excuse for getting out of school. Most non-military schools will allow sickness and/or injuries as a valid excuse for skipping school. There are two ways to use sickness as an absence excuse: faking a disease, and intentionally catching one. For the sake of completeness, we’ll cover both aspects of what has been called the “classic” excuse.

First, we’ll go over faking it. Widely acknowledged to be the easier and often less painful side of this excuse, faking it can be accomplished in many ways with a variety of methods. However, all one must really keep in mind are these things:

  1. Choose a disease to be “infected” with beforehand. Do your research. If you pretend to display common symptoms of a common cold, such as sniveling, coughing, and sneezing, it will seem more like you have a cold. If you shiver, make yourself vomit and go into fake convulsions, it will seem like a realistic case of Malaria. Be creative!
  2. If possible, act sick the night previous to your absent day. This not only makes your alleged health problem seem more “legit”, but also you may get the added bonus of being treated with high-inducing prescription/cough medicine.
  3. Control your coughing. This can never be stressed enough. Coughing too little may make you seem healthy enough to endure seven hours of non-stop schoolwork, but coughing too much may lead to the discovery that you’re faking it. Take an acting class if necessary, preferably one on the finer points of fake coughing.
  4. While there are several ways of being “found out” that you’re faking, few are more foolproof than being taken to a doctor. Avoid this at all costs. Supposing the doctor is both competent and not easily susceptible to bribes, you will be discovered, and likely have your ass whooped by your father later.

How to intentionally catch diseases can be summed up in two words: Lick things. And remember, if you have trouble getting sick with the licking method, remember: if your tongue doesn’t feel like sandpaper, and doesn’t turn your finger brown to the touch, you aren’t licking enough things.

For females only. Refer to your school nurse if you are unsure whatever gender you are. But that will involve going to school. Pretend to have menstrual cramps. (Its one of the rare “sickness” normal people won’t find out) In the morning, lie on your bed all limp and bent. Act weak while in agony. If your acting is superb, cry a little but pretend to be enduring the pain. Show that the pain is so acute that it prevents you from preparing for school, much less even attend school. Get your mum to write a note to the school stating the cause of your absence. You can even ask her to include a subscript saying that you don’t want to be embarrassed by your classmates knowing the reason and ask your teacher not to disclose it. This could even prevent your teacher from asking awkward questions.

What to do for the rest of the day? First lie in. go back to sleep so you won’t have to fake the agony which can become real agony from faking too much. Wait till its too late to go to school, then announce that the pain is gone and you are feeling “much better”. This will suffice as a reason for you to resume your leisure activities for the rest of the day. Good Luck!

The Dead Relative

Ol’ gramps here looks just about ready to bump off. 3 day weekend!

The dead relative is harder and riskier to pull off than the sick excuse, but can also be more rewarding. The premise, if nothing else, is simple enough; fake that you must attend the funeral of a late relative. As with the sick excuse, faking it is the primary and easy method, but in this case it’s better not to hire an assassin to kill your old auntie Barbara, as this may lead to a longer break from school than is desired. Faking it can become quite elaborate, and entire stunt crews, special effects teams, and Steven Spielbergs can be hired to publicly fake a death – in style.

Be wary when using this, though, as many a bored school secretary has researched whether or not your Old uncle Chad really died of Herpes, or even existed. To avoid this, try to use an existing relative rather than making one up, but make sure that either that relative is already dead or one of your incredibly obscure anarcho-primitivist second cousins thrice removed, who lives in a jungle and survives off of the rare bumbleberry fruit.

That, or with a little patience you could simply wait for one to die, so long as your little “day off” isn’t incredibly urgent. In fact, statistics show that at least 99.9% of all people born will eventually die. With such a high death rate, I’m sure any number of your various aunts, uncles, or otherwise are ready to give out at any time, without warning.

The Note

For all you forgers out there, we’ve got a challenge for you! Notes are an awesome power, dealing nothing less than absolute pardoning of all absent days. The note is not only a great way to get out of school, but also, on a smaller scale, to get out of P.E. Assuming you go to private school, you probably already know cursive for the signatures, and, supposing you went to public school, well… you can write at least, right? Well…can you read? No? Then how the hell are you reading this? Is your friend reading this for you? Well, then, get him to do everything for you. Seriously, why are you even freeloading off him in the first place? No, wait, don’t answer that.

The first thing needed is a sample of your Parent/Guardian’s signature. To get ahold of a copy of their signature, just ask them to sign a fake field trip permission paper, or steal a check. As a sample, we’ll assume that their signature looks a little something like this:

Image:John doe sig.PNG

The next step is to make a rough draft. It may look a little like this, depending on your calligraphy skills:

You’re off to a good start. However, practice makes perfect, so keep writing it over and over. You can’t practice too much![2] After practicing for a mere couple of hours, we can assume that your false signature must look at least this good by now:

Image:Fancy john doe writing.PNG

In other words, so fancy and illegible that those hoity-toity snooties at the attendance office couldn’t dare but to accept it. Next comes the harder part: making up an excuse. Vacation, disease (see above), surgery, dentist/orthodontist/doctor appointment, funeral (see above, but not quite as far above as you did before), injury, or any combination of the above are what most schools accept as legitimate excuses. Don’t use the vacation excuse because, besides that being virtually the truth, it’s more fun to lie and feel sneaky. With that exception, I heartily recommend you use all of the excuses at the same time. Your note should read much like this:


Please excuse my son daughter offspring from school, as he/she/it was suffering from amoebic meningitis and was sent by our doctor to the hospital, where it was discovered that he/she/it had acute, second stage osteoporosis. They then had to operate to remove his or her bloated appendix, by request of his/her/it’s dentist. This all occurred shortly after the tragic, teeth-alignment related death of his/her/it’s Grandpa’s Uncle’s Nephew’s Cousin’s Fouth removed Second Cousin’s Father’s Brother-in-law’s Mother’s Ex-boyfriend’s Sister’s Twice removed Aunty’s Great-grandchild named Joe. My child most certainly was not on vacation or skipping school, and may I say how dare you for even considering that.
10:02, 13 December 2009 (UTC)

While the excuse itself is rather outlandish, the signature at the end certifies it. Such is the wonderment of forgery.

Snow Day

A clan of snowmen enjoying their fleeting lives during a typical snow day.

Works best in Northern States and during Winter, preferably both at once. The Snow Day is a rare occurrence during which, somehow, in a way usually directly related to colder/snowier weather, safe transportation to school becomes highly impossible. Snow Days are beloved by children and deemed to be, officially, the most fun and most pranciful excuse for skipping school. The Snow Day formula is as follows:


Or, the amount of water vapor (W) in an integrated column of air directly above the school times the absolute value of the temperature (T)[3] divided by the sum of 547 times S (a value representing summer, 1 if it is summer and 0 if not) plus the number of previous consecutive snow days that year (D). The higher the number, the more likely that a snow day will happen. Study it well.

However, in this case math is not always the answer. For absolute confirmation of a snow day during which school is skipped, watch the local news in the morning or listen to the radio on a day during which even a minuscule amount of snow falls. The anchor should announce if and which schools are closed. If they fail to mention anything, call your school[4]. They will know. If you are going to school, accept this news in a depressed manner, as the secretary may have sympathy and change her mind[5]. Otherwise, laugh in her face, shout some profanities, and abruptly hang up.

Global warming has recently been blamed for decreasing the number of snow days per year. Therefore, you have about ten years left to exploit this method. If you would like to keep having snow days into the indefinite future, stay in school, study hard, invent a time machine, go back to 2000 and vote for Al Gore using a fake ID.

Hurricane Day

See? Friendly, and perfectly domesticated. We advise that you flee.

The Hurricane Day method of skipping school is a little more complicated and often results in a week long break. The first thing you must do is procure a hurricane. Like the Snow Day, only with God on your side will one happen[6]. When God decides to rain unholy vengeance upon your city then that means that there is no school. Contrary to popular belief you actually don’t need to leave a city during a hurricane. Most hurricanes are docile and like to lick you in the face and retrieve tennis balls. However there are certain hurricanes like the Miami Hurricanes who can destroy the average man with a single bound.

The docile breed of hurricane can easily be weathered by staying in your home and watching TV or anything else that could possibly be considered time-wasting. They are actually quite relaxing and certain hurricanes used to be used as aphrodisiacs. However the volatile hurricanes can HIT YOUR WEAKPOINT FOR 8+4d12 DAMAGE!!!!(X3 if you crit!) These hurricanes can cause school skipping for months at a time. You may be forced to enroll at a different school, however, your new school will probably lower its standards to help you and your lead paint chip-eating friends get good grades, thereby keeping the federal funds rolling in. Either way it’s going to be a cakewalk.

Once you get back to your school, life will continue on as normal no matter what kind of hurricane you went through, unless your school was completely demolished during the hurricane; in which case you will be forced to sit in the pile of wood that used to be your school, learning probably about as much as you did before, despite the fact that the chalkboard is now in over a hundred pieces, scattered across three Gulf Coast states.

The Octopus Method

Obtaining octopodes: not as easy as it sounds.

Often lauded as the best yet least used method, The Octopus Method is regarded as the most effective method by far, easily trumping The Note. The process can be summarized by two easy-to-memorize notes:

  1. Obtain an octopus of any variety.
  2. Repeat Step 1 until desired result has been achieved.

Trust us, eventually you will reach such a high number of your cephalopod buddies that those stiffs at the school will just have to let you out from school! This option never fails, though good luck finding enough Octopi without using the extremely pricey Japanese Sea food Black market.

What to do

Now that you officially are school-free for the day, what to do? First, pay off someone to do your homework. Many a fool has gone for all of seven hours work-free, only to have to make up for all of it plus homework at 3:00 PM, effectively wasting half of the day.

Once you have secured your homework-doer-forer-youer, it’s time to PARTAAAAY! … Or so you would think, except that no one else is out from school today. Tragic, is it not?

Yes, such is the realization of many a school skipper. There is little to do. Even TV turns into “Daytime television”, with such monumental horrors as Oprah and *shudder* Soap Operas.

Finally, you will reluctantly come to the depressing realization that you did nothing all day. When you go to school the next day, odds are your heart just won’t be in it. From then on out you’ll be a loose cannon with nothing left to live for, experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex.

On the bright side, if you’re antisocial, you don’t have to put up with those meddling classmates of yours; you probably wait for the bell just to get away from them and get some space. If you followed the steps above, you might have saved years of your life, especially on assembly days. As for what you can do at home, you have Internet, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this HowTo. Have fun looking up pr0n for the rest of your life.

Oh! And it is best to wait until mom has gone to work –>SO<– If u do this often make sure to have a game or something to play


  1. ↑ “Gee Golly, Mrs. Parker, I really woulda come to class today if it weren’t for that peer pressure, honest to goodness I woulda!
  2. ↑ Actually, you can. 25 hours a day would be too much. And, uh, physically impossible
  3. ↑ Here measured, preferably, in the metric system, like most scientific work. However, knowing you as the foolhardy, academics-hating rapscallion that you inherently are, you probably don’t know the metric system anyway, so feel free to use your lousy, inferior American system
  4. ↑ Don’t know the number? Look on your school website. Don’t know your school website? Uh, I assume it would be the name of your school plus a dot edu (.edu). Don’t know your school name? You’re skipping WAY too much.
  5. ↑ If this doesn’t work, somehow reference drowning puppies, a surefire tear-jerker.
  6. ↑ See: Westboro Baptist Church.

IQ:Sample test

Filed under: PC — amerkaj @ 11:19 am
Tags: , , ,

IQ:Sample test

Warning: This will probably make no sense to you.
This article may be hilarious if you are familiar with whatever it pretends to explain, but otherwise you will probably have no idea what the hell is going on. If you can think of a way to make it more accessible, please do.
IQ Test
Name: <insert name here>

This IQ test is Free. You have 1 hour, starting from yesterday.

Mathematical Section

This section assumes the use of Microsoft Windows 2010. Please make sure it is spotless. If you are caught using hacked or non-regulation windows, you will be destroyed. Furthermore, if you do not use windows at all, you must then remove your left lung (right lung for left-handed people) with yogurt and seaweed and use that as a replacement Microsoft Windows. You have been warned.

– 0. Define infinity as a whole number without using any numbers or symbols(n, x, ∞).
1. Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a ruler. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s and how they will help us in the future of technology.

2. Find the value of h to the nearest square unit in the diagram to the right. (Diagram not to scale.)

3. If one of the measurements in the triangle has an error bound three-eighths of the difference between the other three sides of the triangle (accurate to one-half of a decimal place), locate the incorrect side and calculate a new value for h.

4a. Using only an abacus, calculate the percentage error of the 90 degree angle at the corner of this piece of paper.

4b. Prove or otherwise show that 2 plus 2 equals fries for all non-zero values of 2, but a bushel of potatoes for zero values of 2. Do it now.

5. Deduce the letter Y and subtract 100 then divide the number infinity by this number. (show your work)

6. Explain how you can use melted ice cream and century old Gatorade to create cold fusion.

7. Explain in no less than 48 A4 sides on the subject of why the answer to math isn’t 1. Showing the true value for it and how you derived your answer. You must show all of your work.

8. Prove Fermat’s Last Theorem. Use only the margin for writing your proof.

If this is what you think an apple is, you are most certainly wrong.

9. Little Johnny sharpens his finger in a pencil sharpener. If his arms are 1 meter long, and the speed of sound going through a diamond is smaller than the speed of light, how many more fingers will Little Johnny be able to sharpen before he feels the pain? Express the answer in microfortnights.

10a. If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in an hour and a half, how many waffles does it take to shingle a dog house? Estimate the answer and round to the nearest thousandth. Show all work on the margin of this paper.

10b. From the answer you got in 10a, figure out how many chickens it would take to combine with the dog house to make a flying machine.

10c. How long would it take for these chickens to lay eggs? Include illustrations.

10d. Using the transitive property, calculate the probability of a waffle-shingle imploding into a quasar.

11. Calculate the square root of yellow and multiply it by any secondary color. You may use a prism. Show all work using crayon in the correct color of the answer (accurate within 40 nanometres of wavelength).

12. Count backwards in your head from infinity, and show your thoughts on paper without writing any numbers, letters, symbols, or random scribbles.

13. Calculate the amount of peer pressure applied to get someone to drink in high school. You may use either Torr or PSI in your answer. But not e. That’s obscene.

14. If Bob is eating a ham sandwich at a rate of 24 bites per second and the sandwich has lettuce, pickles, and mustard, when will Joe finish his sandwich? (use the theory of unrelativity and the quadratic formula to find your answer.) State Bob’s time of death.

15. Calculate all possible answers for the question: “How long won’t it take you to complete this test?” Using only an eraser and a protractor. Show all work, but only as far as manual labor.

16. Describe the smell of the letter 3 in 100 words or less, without the use of psychedelic drugs.

17. What does the letter F taste like? Is this not dissimilar but unlike the smell of three, or haven’t you not ever tasted what not F doesn’t taste like? Write your answer without using the letters A, E, I, O, U or sometimes Y. For every time you use one of these letters, you will die.

18. What is the value of the hypotenuse when AE2+BE2=CE2?

19. What is the value of the hypotenuse when nothing really matters anymore?

20. If Johnny shoves a golf ball up his nose and it isn’t Thursday, how much would his appointment be if Ryan Sheckler wasn’t born?

20,3. Joshua is 85 years old. When he is walking down the stairs, there is a probability of 76% that he will fall. If he falls, there is a probability of 98% that he will break his spine. If he breaks his spine, there is a probability of 82% that he will be paralyzed. There is also a probability of 95% that this will happen one week before his birthday. He may also die (54%). Calculate the probability of this: Joshua falls down the stairs, does not break his spine, still becomes paralyzed, all 46 days before his birthday. Joshua does not die then, but dies later, on his birthday.

21a. If you were given 1 chicken, explain how you would make a hydrogen bomb out of the chicken.

21b. If you were given 1 hydrogen bomb, explain how you would make a chicken out of the hydrogen bomb.

22. How many kittens could a woodchuck huff if a woodchuck could huff kittens?

23. If it is Thursday and the person sitting beside you is smoking a clarinet, then how many sevens can fit into an upside down 4? Use basic Trigonometry and the Pythagorean theorem.

24. Using only prime numbers, describe the relation between yesterday and tomorrow. Once you have found that answer, cook a hamburger with a blow dryer and sell it on the black market.

25. Using only the spine of the dead hamster (see 1.5) measure the width of this piece of paper, then write your answer in the form of a function.

26. Choose at least two problems from this list: P vs. NP. Solve using only the slide rule provided. Once you have solved the problem, explain, in detail and at great personal risk, the effect that this equation might have had on the Renaissance period of Sierra Leone. All work must be typed. You may not use a computer, typewriter, or any other print-setting device.

28. If a=b, b=c, and c is a prime number, why does j have a dot at the top? Express your answer in scientific notation. You may only use ink obtained by cutting a calculator in half lengthwise. Points will be deducted for cutting the calculator into any fraction other than 1/2 or by cutting any way other than lengthwise. Explain your answer without using any recognizable characters.

29. If a starving African lion is released into a room where someone is taking an IQ test, and it leaps at an angle of 37 degrees towards the test-taker, how far can it travel? You will test your answer in a live simulation in approximately 47 seconds.

30. Write out, on the back of your paper, all possible answers for the equation x=x. All answers must be given for credit.

31. Use the Pythagorean theorem, the law of relativity, and Fermat’s Last Theorem to prove that aardvarks are, indeed, equal to anteaters.

32. Write the correct value of infinity divided by 3 to 7 decimal places.

33. Using the Alternative Theory of Mathematics, solve for x, in which x is equal to the number of fingers on your foot. Unacceptable answers are: anything involving a decimal, fraction, or percentage, infinity, any number less than or equal to 0, or anything other than a number greater than 9000. Note: If you are a Neanderthal or a primate, skip this question- it will not count against you.

34. There are five babies. Differentiate this function in terms of pink.

35. If x=5, discuss the feasibility of a socialist government run by E.T. in terms of x. Show your work.

36. Only using similar triangles, prove that the sky is blue.

37. If e is equal to Pi, and Pi is equal to blueberry, how much does (aj^2 + bj + c + j) equal in terms of Pi? Integrate any function using blueberry.

38. Explain the use of an internal combustion engine. Use a rabbit to define x, and the chair you’re sitting on to calculate the probability of rain in the next 4-5 months.

39. If a man jumps at a 500 degrees angle straight at the ground at 50 miles per millisecond, how long will a flight to London take?

40. Using the same method in question 35, discuss the feasibility of sandwiches, in terms of x.

41. If Rabbit Is To Goat And Goat Is To Rabbit What Is Alf To? Extra credit: write a 600 page essay on how this is possible without using a word that means possible or impossible.

42. Why does 1+1 equal 2, 0, 10, 11, any number, and “window” simultaneously?

43. How does 1+1 equal 2, 0, 10, 11, any number, and “window” simultaneously?

44. Does 1+1 really equal 2, 0, 10, 11, any number, and “window” simultaneously? If not, how and why?

45. Calculate the proximity of Alpha Centauri to Earth in 5.2 million years. Use half an Oreo as your only measurement tool. (Extra marks will be given if the Oreo is replaced with a lemur.) Show working.

46. Taking X to equal the amount of tennis rackets in a sports shop and Y to equal the amount of money in a particular bank, calculate the probability of a toasted waffle having a significant impact on the Ukrainian presidential election of 2034.

47. Disprove all Euclidean geometry with nothing but Euclidean geometry and a 38-dimensional tesseract. Show your work by carving it into the back of a live crocodile. You may not sedate the crocodile. Failure to do so will result in a total collapse of the universe.

Reasoning Section

The information contained in this article is dangerous.
Do not try this at home, kids; go over to a friend’s house.

This is a no-brainer section. This does not mean that the questions are easy, it means you must remove your brain and put it under your desk for this section of the test. You will receive an F if you are caught using your brain, or if you are caught looking at someone else’s. If you are already brain deficient, you may proceed without caution. Note: For people who require a brain to function correctly, you may choose not to remove it, but you will receive only half-marks for successfully answered questions.
1. What would happen if the sun burned out? Practical experimentation is permitted.

2. If Achmed is a dead terrorist and has 3 oranges and 2 apples, how would he go about constructing a nail bomb?

3. Perform a miracle. You will be awarded extra marks for creativity.

4. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with the flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

5. If This is That, and These are Those, and today is not Sunday, how long will it take for Tim to finish this test?

6. If Jimi Hendrix has six apples and Johnny has four apples, where’s the polar bear to eat the apples?

7. Using the piano, construct a time machine to hand in this test before you were given it.

Jack Daniel’s was far too expensive, so you have a cheap copy.

8. Using your innovation, write your answers to the rest of the test in your own blood. If you cannot do this question, blood can be provided for you at the cost of three points.

9. Justify the need for ham sandwiches.

9a. Using the answer to the previous question, explain a mouse.

10. Without testing, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? How many to get to the center of a Dum-Dum? We’ve provided the Tootsie pop and we would provide a Dum-Dum, but nobody likes Dum-Dum’s.

11. Consider the liar paradox: “This sentence is false.” Presume this statement is true. Discuss.

11a. Extra points will be awarded if you could prove that sentence really to be false.

12. If a bear is traveling North North-East towards Narnia at a velocity approaching the speed of light for one hour, then turns left at the 864th junction and continues straight ahead for another decade, what colour is his hat? (Bonus: What species of bear is it?)

13. If a biplane is traveling south from Chicago at eleventy-six mph, and suddenly begins changing direction at random intervals, how probable is it that the pilot will get a raise within the next month?

14. If it takes a man and a half a day and a half to dig a hole and a half with a shovel and a half, then how long would it take a grasshopper with a peg leg to kick all the seeds out of a cucumber?

15. Express your weener as a fraction. Divide this by the smell of the number 3. How many apples does little Johnny now have? If you do not have a weener, use someone else’s.

16. If you had 3 Pepsi’s and drank 2 of them, how much more refreshed are you?

17. If, after drinking the Pepsi’s from the previous question, you are still not satisfied, how many Snickers should you eat?

18. Describe the universe; give four examples.

19. Memorize the entire English dictionary and recite it in your choice of any West African language. Minimum of fifty clicks per definition.

20. If a glass isn’t half empty or half full when it’s spilled on the floor, how long does it take little Johnny to fix?

22. What? Who done it? Explain:

23. Using your inability to do the impossible, find the answer to the following question without doing so; Is this question correctable?

24. If Ooon-cha weighs 38 grams, and a Tyrannosaurus Rex weighs 20 tons, how many swings against a wall does it take to kill a bag full of kittens? (Hint: Disregard any chance of Slovenian army intervention)

25. Understand and explain your girlfriend. (If you do not have a girlfriend the instructor will provide you with one) (Results may vary).

26. Brad Pitt is more religious than Paris Hilton. Katie Price is less conservative than Brad Pitt and Angela Lansbury is just as clever as Roger Federer. How will this affect Richard Dawkins’ sales.

The Section is over. You may re-insert your brain now. If you find yourself unable to do so, moan incessantly until the instructor becomes annoyed and does it for you. If you were brain deficient before this section, you may negate this and move on to the next section. If you are now brain deficient, but were not before this section, bang your head on the desk and your instructor will provide you with a new brain. (Quality assured by the U.S. Government)

Scientific Section

1. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of the color pink on science. You may draw a diagram to illustrate your answer.

2. You have been provided with a scalpel and some whiskey. Remove your liver and dissect it. After this, drink the whiskey and eat the liver.

3a. Deduce the location of the edge of the universe using the compass and protractor you found in your liver. (See question 2)

3b. Consider the fact that the universe is infinitely expanding. Now, with that in consideration, deduce the location of the edge of the universe in 4 years, 2 months, 9 days, 4 hours, 30 minutes, 2 seconds, and 7 deciseconds.

3 1/2. By using your DNA, find the cure for cancer and submit it to the AMA in the form of a heavy metal song.

4. Determine the gravitational force between you and this test using the scalpel provided earlier. You must show your work. (no materials provided)

4a. Explain to a salmon the Theory of Unrelativity, then train it to finish this test, using only sign language and a tissue.

5. Explain the argument behind the fushestal elementum theory. Use modern pentium particle physics to help disprove this theory.

6. Use the empty whiskey bottle found on your desk and a pencil to observe an experiment where you inject Mercury into your veins. Note down your observations every 30 seconds.

7. Deduce and or hence otherwise find the colour of a neutron.

8. The statement “Light is an absence of darkness” is incorrect. Explain why.

9. Would you rather be a proton or an electron? Why or why not?

10. Prove the non-existence of God. Then, using only words from your argument against the existence of God, prove the existence of God. You may create a God if necessary.

11. Seduce at least 4 emo children using only a computer, myspace and a webcam.

12. Remove the lead from your pencil. Turn this lead into gold. You may use both sides of the paper if necessary.

13. Using the principle of conservation of matter, what will the karat value of the gold produced from the above project amount to? What would the value be if you were to instead use 3 mangoes and a large potato?

14. Describe the entire anatomy of a muppet in terms of ratios of fuzziness to just plain annoying sometimes.

15. Describe what DTN means to you.

1092/71sts. Calculate the circumference of space (correct to 3 significant figures) using only your left thumb and some tooth floss. Using your answer, extrapolate the number of leprachauns present in the forests of Machu Pichu.

16. Determine which of the following sub-atomic particles is most partial to binge-drinking: Up quark, electron, photon

17. Use the Scalpel, the whiskey bottle and the liver remains (see question 2) to find the effect of hamburgers on birds. Note: Bats can’t be used, nor any other reptile.

18. Determine the difference between a seagull.

19. Explain the difference between plutonium’s atomic weight and oxygens atomic weight in a 39 page essay. Use only waffles and a sweatshirt for materials. No materials provided.

The rare venom-spitting red-eyed Bullfrog!

20. Describe in detail what this frog is thinking without using any vowels.

21. What is the gravitational pull of Christina Ricci’s forehead?

22. Why do ducks?

23. Two subatomic particles walk into a bar. Why?

24. Re-Create the death-star using a dildo and a red pencil sharpener. Bonus points will be awarded for the inclusion of a carrot-powered laser.

25. [This question is currently unavailable, due to lack of sandwiches]

25a. *Bonus* Use the carrot-powered laser that you have to destroy 3 random spacial features (black hole, nebula, star, planet, asteroid, etc.)

26. Using only a grape and a leaf, make a three-sided rock. For bonus marks, make a two-sided rock.

27.How long can you breathe underwater tell us when you fail and die?

Extra Credit: End world hunger.


All external logic are prohibited for this section. Use only logic provided by the test. If you are caught using logical thoughts from outside the testing room, you will be subject to lobotomy. Cardiovascular corruptions possible due to extreme stress.

1) Using the time machine created using the piano, create a bagel-Powered sidearm function.

2) Use the bagel-powered sidearm function to invade Kuwait.

  • Bonus: using the bagel sidearm function and your liver remains, prove newton’s 5th law using counter-evidence.

3) What is the answer to this question?

4) Do not answer this question.

5) Did you realize that the previous question was not, in fact, a question, but a command?

6) So, should you have answered #3?

7) Imagine a color you have never seen before. Name this color.

7b) Describe this color to a blind person. If you do not have a blind person one will be provided for you.

8) If P, then Q. If Q, then P. Therefore, R? Explain in exactly nineteen words without using letters.

True and/or False

Please only answer with “True” and/or “False”. Failure to do so will disqualify your test and/or test your disqualification. -1. true or false?

1. Describe the nature of the universe.

2. Sanity.

3. 7+19 = ?

4. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he was riding a train going 45.3 MPH leaving London heading towards Los Angeles with a wind resistance of 20MPH?

5. Write a sixty-line sonnet using only the words “My”, “her”, “was”, “should,” “bacon,” and “Jerry Springer.”

6. Why?

7. The answer to this question is “False”.

8. The Doe family was an ancient Amphibian race.

9.When Johnny’s head falls off, how many muffins will Bill not have?

10. The moral dilemma between doing what is right and what is easy.

11. The man reads the dictionary fifteen times, each time reading a different book. Explain your answer without using letters, words, numbers or symbols. [BONUS: What was the man’s name?”]

12. When did you have your computer last updated? You must not include a date nor a specific event that happened at that exact point in time.

13. If 3.14 is pie then why cant we eat it? Explain this with cutting a orange in half, a rhyming word starting with the letter KAT, and then feed a dead homeless man this pie.

Bonus: write a 800 page essay on how I got this Question mark up side down (¿).

14. In 5 words explain the meaning of life, For extra marks use two words.

15. Using your answer from 14, explain Newton’s 5th Law in full detail without using the words ‘Newton’, ‘the’, ‘when’, ‘how’, or ‘why’. For bonus marks don’t use any of the following letters: A, E, I, O, or U.

Linguistic Section

This section is a section involving language. You must answer every question in English or Cambodian. Failure to do so will result in a F-.

Diagram for representational purposes only.

1. Describe in detail. Be objective, broad, and specific.

2. Which of the below is the odd one out:

  • Camembert
  • Trout
  • Cheddar
  • Brie
  • You

3. Spell antidisestablishmentarianism, without looking at how it has been spelled on this paper.

4. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis is a technical term for a lung disease. Explain the origin of its naming, with references to Greek architecture.

5. Find the exact point at which you would die of boredom from taking this test. Use evidence from The Catcher In The Rye to help explain your answer.

6. Kill yourself and hand in the test promptly 2 hours after answering this question.

7. Try to find a correct synonym for “antonym”.

8. Try to find a correct anagram for “anagram”, preferably one that is also a synonym for antonym.

9. Create an invasion force using a pen, an apple and a car, then implement this in a strike on East Germany.

10. Describe the word “indescribable”, without using the word describe or any negatives.

11. Why?

12. John has never not refrained from not avoiding not doing his homework. Is it not untrue that he has not forgotten to do his homework unless today is not Monday?

13. How would this test affect John if he refrained from not uncompleting this test if yesterday is not tomorrow?

14. Write out all of the words in the English language. You may ask for additional paper if needed.

15. In five minutes, ten thousand drunken crazed aborigines will storm the exam room. Calm them down. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.

16. Quote the Bible 7 times, each one give reference to how it inspired a Tori Amos lyric.

17. What is a scransom?

18. How many times may one flange a scransom before it becomes exflangulated?

19. Using the word “using”, how long does it take to establish a democratic government in Saudi Arabia?

20. There is no 20!

21. Do not answer this question. How can I answer that question if it is not a question? That was a question. Answer that question.

Writing Prompt

1) a) Dog. Why? Explain in a 42 page essay including introduction, body, and conclusion. BE SPECIFIC

2) Summarize the great works of Proust in terms of only: your mom, a PVC catsuit, a feather and Chewbacca

3) “Because.” Discuss.

4) Prove, in 100 words or less, the Riemann Hypothesis.

5) Summarize Proust’s Remembrance of Times Past using only words related to pigs and/or wild boar. Your summary may not exceed 15 words.

6) Does all your base are belong to us? Write a one word essay using at least 100 direct quotations from ancient scriptures for great justice. Do not forget to set us up the bomb. Make your time.

7) Describe the color yellow in a 15-page essay and its impact on coin-operated body waxing machines.

8) Write a 60-page essay explaining why Madonna is a Cylon.

9) Make a recording of a 2 word essay on how Pythagoras defeated tom cruise why calculating his theorem while

breaking the world record for the longest time sitting on goose while finding the square root of the speed of light.

Extra credit :If a woolly mammoth was thawed out and then lost on Jeopardy, then what is the bone density of a normal rock?

10) Write a 15 page essay about the letter “9” 10b) If Nicki Dan McMonaghan is streaking at a football game at the speed of 19 muscle spasms per fathom how is it that Donald Trump’s skin tastes better than Arby’s curly fries.(Answer this question without using the words “Albert”, “Narwhale”,and “Donny Osmand”. (Bonus: Find the answer to cat squared divided by parrot).

Language Skills

1) Outlet of the window holding the spider in the air and I DORIGIFUTOKARUCHIZU When thinking about the life of a bowl of soup donut … Hoolio believe? yoyoyo mosquitoes, wear a disguise when all along the Theater heheheheh funny! Kids quiet! Or a monkey to life. For dipping sauce, Pruning the roses. If this hole is not gunna Judas can not open the mole rat Distance, the plane out, I imagine my sister’s going with love goo gooo The second time, she is a good idea is not gunna have not been … This is your time to It is my thumb is that you need to really understand, you have all the adventures Loser is the world’s mega-Doo DADIZUNI monkeys to attack the pony CMNMJG puppy. By OMG. Last night, I went to the store and bought a lot of cool things like eating your video For vegetables, I bought the peanut hearts and their toes! My brother and I use the magic of fine dust and weeding out the cheese for breakfast, I try. My sister To kill anyone behind for the next BUBITORAPPUMEIN is a healthy way Issues like awesomeness. Insensitive people, meet their death in a pet REMONEDOKURIO Trogdor hole to Mrs. Dolphin, my league is not required poo I will appear in the basement. If I die, I will change the foundation of the Apes I, I was swimming in summer and winter … I knew love butterflies are flying in the sea 12:00 mutation in a runny nose, hot pickled skiers from the slopes of our mountains! This Are written in a strange way. Hooblop words have to be decoded.

2) Explain why when a sentence is translated from English to Japanese, and then back again several times, it becomes more and more gelatinous.

3) Recite the FBI warnings at the beginning of a movie in Spanish while speaking the native tongue of a horse simultaneously. If you do not succeed, call a local agent. Our operators are standing by.

4) The coffee does the lard of your love and the stern of my mouth where the extreme nuclear weapon of the tacos has been attached in me. Explain this sentence in terms of infinity squared.

Extra credit

1) Once your done eat the 1st pie never to exist.

2) Then tell me all the digits of pi.

3) Prove that the universe is infinite.

4) List the name of everything that doesn’t exist.

5) Try to decipher the text of rabid 12 year old fan girls on Brad Pitt’s twitter page while drinking a glass of water.

Thank You

Please leave all testing materials which you do not own above the desk in a levitating gravity stasis field. If you do not have one you can find one inside the matter/antimatter superextension compressor found under your desk along with the piano. When the invigilator tells you to do so, kindly leave the testing hall in an orderly fashion. Thank you for taking the test, and have a nice day.

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