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December 14, 2009

Make A Metal Song

Filed under: Music — amerkaj @ 3:46 pm
Tags: , , ,

HowTo:Make A Metal Song

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This is NOT a heavy metal band

What a load of shit.

~ Oscar Wilde on Heavy metal music

There's more music in a Billy Goat shitting in a tin can!

~ Old people on Heavy metal and Goats shitting in a billy can

I'm too tough to let this article offend me!!

~ Metal Head on this article

What a load of bullocks.

~ The Sex Pistols on Heavy metal music

I'm not smart enough to let this article offend me!!

~ Another Metal Head on this article

So you’re in a heavy metal band and want to create a heavy metal song? Well you’ve come to the wrong place – as you see, heavy metal songs require no talent to make. Heavy metal music is just a guitar, bass and drums playing as loud as possible with a loud, deep, scary voice just yelling over the top.

//

Step 1: Getting A Band Together

So you have decided to fill this world with just a litlle bit more hate and crap music? well creating a metal band is a great way to make new friends! (but mostly enemies). first your going to have to find yourself some band members, dont worry too much about their talent or music knowledge this is one genre you dont have to worry about those things! members of metal band usually fits into these catagoreys:

This is what you are looking for. Note: the coolness
  • The Quiet artistic one who plots a mass shooting
  • The bald one with the orange beard
  • The one with 2 brain cells and is only in the group because of his ability to scream and kick the shit out of people
  • The short skinny one that can kinda sing, but really cannot but leave him alone cause that just shows how deep he is!!!
  • The one with really festy hair
  • The sexual maniac
  • The Woman

Step 2: Choosing your Genre

Thid style of music is reknown for having over 50 dirent genres that sound the same here are a few to get a basic idea, it is important that you choose a genre that you feel comfortable with (another popular idea is to claim to be another genre other then metal like say Psycadelic Rock, but really not being like that genre at all. a good example being the band Tool):

  • Gay
  • Knida Gay
  • Black metal
  • Kinda Black Metal
  • Screamo metal
  • Gothic Metal
  • bloody screamo black metal

Step 3: Create a name for your song

First of all, you must make a name for your song. Most heavy metal bands will just choose some sick name for their songs (eg. Cum Is Yum, Bloody Face, Chainsaw In The Cunt, Anal Bleeding, I Cum On Your Grave). generally people in a heavy metal band have a low IQ so we could not think up any names so learn from the experts:

File:Chain saw in the cunt.gif

Once you choosen that, you must make the lyrics.

Step 4: Making the lyrics

When creating lyrics, the aim is make them at the least musically possible. This can be done by repeating the name of your song into the microphone very loudly. But who really cares? You could just say anything into the microphone very loudly and no-one would understand you, everyone is just listening to the loud noise anyway.

Example of heavy metal lyrics:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAbAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYEAH!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Any questions? good, now let’s move on.

Step 5: Make a loud noise

Ok, so now you’ve come up with lyrics and now you need some loud, shitty noise behind you. First of all, make sure the Guitar is on as loud as it can go then turn distortion on, now play a really simple power cord on the lowest string you can (commonly referred to as power chord E5) contrasting it with a very high sreching solo. Then, with the Bass, turn it up to full volume as well, but instead of putting distortion on, just hit the top string as hard as you can at any speed you want. And finally, Drums, it’s quite simple really, just hit as many drums as you can as fast and loud as you can.

Step 6: The form of a Metal Song

After listening to a few metal songs you will find that they genraly follow the same form this form is the: Soft – Build – Scream – Rinse and Repeate method, we surgest this method if you would like to attract a emale audience alternativly you gan just use the Scream Method

Step 7: Play your piece of shit song

Now you just get a gig and make everyone listen to your awful music. It’s simple!

After that, your band will be as cool as these guys!

List of Heavy metal bands

Here are a list of bands just as shit as yours:

Judas Priest

Iron Maiden

Fisted Bleeding Cunt

Black Sabbath

Ozzy Osbourne

I cum blood into the devils arse hole

Alice Cooper

Rage Against The Machine

Metallica

Torso Rape

Megadeth

Avenged Sevenfold

Slayer

Nine Inch Nails

Weaaaaaarrrrrrrghhhhhhh

Nekrophilia

Nekropedia

Cannibalysm is Grrrrrrreatttt

Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell

The Bob Doles

The Osmonds

Pantera

List of not Heavy metal bands

Here are a list of bands that you will never be as good as:

The Beatles

Pink Floyd

Led Zeppelin

Deep Purple

Slipknot

The Doors

Rolling Stones

Guns N’ Roses

Jimmi Hendrix

N’Sync

Enough Z’Nuff

See Also

  • Heavy Metal
  • ARGH! My Ears!
  • Deafness
  • Shit
  • Guitar
  • Bass
  • Drums
the witer of tis aticl is a 2yr old.
plese help fix all the speeling mistkaes!
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December 11, 2009

Prog Rock

Filed under: Music — amerkaj @ 2:24 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Prog Rock

A late addition to the Prog Rock scene, Germany’s Wilhelm Scream featured traditional airbrushed artwork on their gatefold double album covers, as well as a 38 minute opus to the Battle of Thermopylae.

The Pink Floyds 1978 Album was panned by PETA.

Original cover for Jethro Tull’s “Thick as a Brick”

I much prefer Brighton Rock, or Blackpool if I can't get any of that

~ Noël Coward on Prog Rock

We do not write "songs". We write "suites", "epics" and "concept pieces". We do not write "lyrics". we write poetic expressions of the truth of the Universe. GET IT STRAIGHT!!

~ Pete Sinfield on Prog Rock

Mekanïk Üdü Wüdü futura de Kommandöh! Magma 1001°Centigrades Janik Top. Špaćank Uć Đaerž. Merci

~ Christian Vander on God knows what

I think we need some mandolin around here.

~ Mike Oldfield on music

Pfff...Yeah, mandolin. How original.

~ Ian Anderson on Mike Oldfield on music

Underwater.

~ Mike Oldfield on originality

Oh...

~ Ian Anderson on Avant-garde

I had one of those once, before I bought my Minimoog.

~ Rick Wakeman on women

Moog sucks. I could ARP your head off!!!

~ Tony Banks on Moog

Overrated.

~ Mike Oldfield on ARP, Moog and women

A Flower?!

~ Peter Gabriel on erm...well...eh...erm...

A discipline that does not lead to a compassionate practice may be said to have failed.

~ Robert Fripp on God knows what

Prog Rock (not to be confused with Prod rock) was a particularly widespread, genre of music, which is thought to be mostly under control now in the civilised world. Groups such as Pink Floyd, Deaf To Van Gogh’s Ear, ELP, Genesis, King Crimson, Rush, Yes and the much later Marillion were rife amongst the, pseudointellectual (mainly male) youth, much as the Grunge genre of the early 90’s became to deadly effect. Most Progressive Rock bands only lasted a limited time, band members often breaking up due to musical similarities (or in Pink Floyd’s case, Roger Waters), except Marillion who defined the Popular Prog Rock genre.

Sometimes referred to as “Prague Rock” due to its roots in Czechloslovakian Folk Music, progressive rock rebelled against the more popular regressive rock, in which artists would work backwards, from material about self actualization, metaphysical ethics and gnoseology, to songs like “Work Sucks”, “School Sucks”, “I Want My Mommy” and finally “Gurgle Gurgle”. In short, progressive rock groups decided to stop writing three-minute songs about sex and instead wrote ten-minute songs about God knows what (although it is believed that Jon Anderson knows the meanings of the lyrics of all prog songs ever written).

And remember: if we’d had CDs in 1971, “Echoes” would have been eighty-seven goddamn minutes long.

//

Origins of Prog Rock

Prog rock was first founded when some racist Europeans decided they had it with that rock music based on “nigger blues” and decided to create rock music based on Aryan classical music. Just like Hitler they were hugely popular at their heyday, but as soon as they tried too hard they were thrown in the trashcan, only to be talked about with shame. Today they mostly hang around dark websites reminsicing about Robert Fripp and Brian Eno’s sudden hair loss. Some folks still believe Jon Anderson will lead them back to prog days of yore but Jon (from his hospital bed) has deemed it “Quite improbable and inherently unlikely”.

With their love for the flamboyant and theatrical Progressive Rock soon cut a colourful swave through the music scene, as long haired youths nodded knowingly into pints of Guinness and light ales worldwide, whilst discussing the musical virtuosity of Karn Evil 9, or the sheer genius of a 27 minute Mellotron solo, or the sheer genius of a 18 minute guitar solo, or the sheer genius of a 3 second bass solo. Every single progressive band from the heyday used a man named Bill Bruford as a drummer because he thought 4 was 7.

Prog Rock is also known to be the final evolution of Rock music, using over-the-top insane musical composition (which may or may not be influenced by LSD hallucinations) and impossible-to-understand lyrics about moonchildren, tales from topographic oceans or “man-ergs” (confirmed to have been influenced by LSD hallucinations). The lower species called Punk decided to rise against it. Punk defended that each band was supposed to write only one 3 chord song during their carrier, and only change this song’s lyrics along the albums. This clashed into a Prog vs. Punk war that lasts to this day, with neither side showing signs of wanting to give up.

Symptoms of Progressive Rock

Symptoms include:

  • Brain Damage.
  • Becoming Schizoid, especially in the 21st Century.
  • Being Gentle (This symptom can only affect giants)
  • Listening to bands such as Pink Floyd, Yes, King Crimson, Kansas, Rush, etc.
  • Feeling it “Coming in the air tonight”.
  • 27 minute song composition (or longer).
  • Keyboard solos.
  • Mandolins (see Mike Oldfield).
  • “Creative” hairstylings (see here).
  • A cape.
  • A wizard hat.
  • A cape and a wizard hat.
  • Interest in pirates.
  • Going down to Willow Farm to look for butterflies, flutterbies and gutterflies.
  • Getting wood when seeing old pics of Greg Lake.
  • Bill Bruford.
  • Dressing up like a killer garden gnome.
  • Getting your ass kicked by Sid Viscious, or kicking Sid Viscious’ ass.
  • Being a talented musician wasting talents on useless music.
  • LSD.
  • Being mistaken for Heavy Metal.
  • Being mistaken for Avant-garde.
  • Being mistaken for Symphonic Rock.
  • Building walls during concerts… Big fuckin’ expensive walls.
  • Carl Palmer punching Elton John in the face.
  • Singing about moonlit knights and eclipses.
  • Spitting in fans’ faces.
  • The ability to understand EXACTLY what Peter Gabriel was talking about (Jon Anderson….).
  • Using big, fancy words that mean nothing.
  • Thinking about Modest Mussorgsky.
  • Drugs.
  • Pete Sinfield.
  • Mellotrons.
  • Touring with a saxophone player.
  • Naming a guitar effect after yourself… You heard me, Robert Fripp.
  • Summoning angles with guitar riffs (i.e. Steve Howe in Close to the Edge).
  • Analogue Synthesizers.
  • Time signatures unknown to mankind (for example only the shreddergod John Petrucci of Dream Theater knows how to play 69/420).
  • Starting to get hits in the 80’s (which is quite scary for a prog-rocker, we’re just not used to it).
  • Starting to talk about modern day warriors and today’s Tom Sawyer.
  • Thinking that Winston Churchill dressed in drag, he used to be a British flag, PLASTIC BAG, WHAT A DRAG!

If you feel you may be suffering from any of these symptoms we advise you to seek medical and psychiatric help immediately.

WARNING: Latest Research has shown possible links between the spread of Progressive Rock and Kitten Huffing. Remember kids, JUST SAY NO!

A typical notation of a Gentle Giant song.

COWBELL HERE!

NO HERE!!

The Progressive Rock Article Suite I-III

Part I: The Definition

Progressive Rock
What It Is?
It Can’t Really Be Defined
Which Leads to Long Battles Boring As Hell Battles Between Morons
“What Is Prog
And What Is Not”

The Truth Lies
Beyond
The Faraway Galaxies

There’s Something On The Loose
Yesterday I Found A Moose… Or Should It Be Goose?
Or Geese Or Meese, Caboose Or Cabeese,
The Mice In The Hice, And The Grouse In The House
Which Jumped Over a Fence
Yes, This Doesn’t Make any Fuckin’ Sense. Anyways, ‘Does Anyone Have Any Good Pot Around Here?’

Concentration, Will Be My Epitaph,

As I drawl on a cracked and open snatch,

If we make it, we can all sit back,

And smoke crack

Shine On You Sane Crystal

In other words Progressive Rock is like Drugs, Drugs & Roll, Rock & Roll, Rocks, Drugs and Spam! (see Jethro Tull for more)

Part II: We Are the Children of Eternal Light / The Author Still Doesn’t Have Any Imagination to Come Up With Something Funny, Including ‘The Cleaning of the Underwear Drawer’, and ‘Cthulhu’s Lament (in $ flat Sergeant-Major, with change)’ (The Development section) in 11/8, 9/8, 5/4, π/7, 9/16, 16mm and acid

Guitar solo (about ten minutes)
Synth solo (about ten minutes)

Well, At Least the Keyboardist Must Wear a Cape.

Bass solo (about two seconds/five notes/not at all)
Drum solo (two minutes, nineteen seconds, by law)
Other guitar solo (about fifteen more minutes)
Random jamming with incoherent lyrics about quantum panties, and audible snoring of the Sound Engineer in the background (about twenty minutes)

Part III: The Definition (Reprise in Five)

Progr     essiv     eRock     WhatI     tIs?I

tCan’     tReal     lyBeD     efine     dWhic

hLead     stoLo     ngBat     tlesB     oring

AsHel     lBatt     lesBe     tween     Nerds

“What     IsPro     gAndW     hatIs     Not”

Coda: T-T-T-T-T-That’s All Folks! (featuring vocalist: Porky Pig)

Expressionistic soundscapes (or: the Sound Engineer yawns, farts, scratches his stomach, walks into the playing room, missteps on the dwarfed flautist of the band because of thick smoke covering the room and falls on the drum set cursing like a seaman)

“Well At Least It’s Fucking Boring And Corny!” – Mr. Obvious (1974)

(fanfares and fade out)

(unfortunately (or not, depending on your preference,) the recorder ran out of tape 17 minutes before the band stopped playing)

Tabulature

Band: Uncyclopediarium
Song:  The Progressive Rock Article Suite Intro

.  - palm mute            /  - slide up to
\  - slide down to        ~  - vibrato
h  - hammer on            b  - Bend
p  - pull off                Suffixes for bend
t  - tap                     f  - full bend     h - half bend  
ph - pinched harmonic        q  - quarter bend  t - tap bend   
*  - see comment             ^  - Hold bend     r - release bend
x  - Succatto                ~  - vibrato bend  e - bend with string breaking
S  - Stutter                 g  - get bent
,  - slight palm mute      () - ghost note, sustained note
(X_X) Ghostface Killah note
"  - tremolo note          <> - Trill
%  - pose                  &  - pluck with an eyebrow 
U  - unintentional action  Y  - really unintentional action
@  - bang the guitar against the monitor
a  - have an acid flashback
q  - do something really fucking stupid
!  - run in circles, waving the guitar in the air
     while uncontrollably picking the strings
u  - untie vocalist's hair from strings
T  - try to tune the string, unsuccessfully
s  - soil yourself on cue and call it avant-garde
F  - set fire to drummer
tb - tab the song while performing it

WARNING: Do not try playing the guitar by banging the strings with your nuts!

       (silence actually because the guitarist is missing)
e ||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|

                                           sound eng: snoring 
e ||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|

        drums: rabadabadam bamdam
e ||-------------------|---------U0--------|-0-----------0-----|-0------------0----|
B#||-------------------|-------------------|---6-----6----6----|---6bf^^^^^r-------|
Hb||-------------------|-------------------|-----0-----0----0--|-----565-65--------|
Db||-------------------|-------------------|-------7----------7|--------4----------|
A#||-------------------|-------------------|-8-----------8-----|-8-----------Y9----|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|------------U0-----|-------------------|

                          drums: dumdurum dumdum           vocal: D A Ab Wb Щ#
e ||-6/7-------------|-5\4---------------|-0-----------%-----|----2--3\2---3-5---|
B#||-------3/4\pi----|---4/5-------------|-2U,-3h22Y,--%-----|-----3--4\3-2------|
Hb||-------------------|-----3\i-----------|-0U,----3Y,--%-----|------2----3--4----|
Db||-------------------|--------&5\&4------|-2U.---------%-----|--0-------4---5---T|
A#||-------------------|-------------&3h2--|-0U.---------%-----|---1---------------|
Bb||-------------------|-------------------|-0U,---------%-----|-------------------|

                sixth string: Zb J# µb @!^#* ouch, it hurts [goes to her mom]
e ||-1\2---4--4--------|-3---5-3-3\2-------|-16h14---10\2------|-24h23-----23h20---|
B#||---2--3-2----------|--4-4-34----3\4----|----15h10---3h4----|-----16h12---------|
Hb||---3\2--3----------|---2--4-------24h23|--------------14h5-|---------7h5--8h6--|
Cb||------4----2-------|----4-5------------|-------------------|-------------------|
A#||---------5--2------|-------------------|-------------------|-------------------|
Bb||-----------2-2be   |                   |                   |                   |

        drums: undistinguishable from line noise    audience: [wakes up]
e ||-24-----------!--!-|-!20--------@6--@-@|@Googol@--@--0-----|--Y8--7h3----------|
B#||--23h20---23---!-!-|---!---------@3-@--|-@                 |                   |
Hb||--22---22h20----!--|---!-!!!u----@4@-@4|--@8--@-@          |                  F|
Cb||---------------!---|-!--!---u---@-2@@2-|--@5-@-@-@---0-----|--Y9h5---7b~e      |
A#||---------------!-!-|-!--!---u-----@69--|----@20@-----------|-------------------|
Bb||                   |                   |                   |                   |

Bankruptcy

One common side effect of Progressive Rock is bankruptcy. This can be caused by the following:

  • Hiding behind 1 million dollars worth of effects boxes on a stool while high paid session musicians jam right next to you.
  • Touring with a 50-piece orchestra
  • Utilizing 37 session musicians
  • Did you ever ask your self, progger… Why does your keyboard player have 27 keyboards and an electronic percussion set-up on stage? Why does your guitar player have 15 guitars up on stage? Why does your singer need those weird expensive costumes? Can’t he just sing? Why is your drummer using a set that would make Neil Peart hold a garage sale?
  • Roger Waters
  • Holding a concert on a floating stage in Venice.
  • Touring in Japan, Italy and Germany, instead of in your own country, where nobody listens to your music.
  • Disbanding 7 times, only to reform after a while with a completely different line-up

Most of this can be alleviated by contracting different viruses such as Punk or Indie.

Rap

Filed under: Music — amerkaj @ 11:21 am
Tags: , , , ,

Rap

A typical rapper in performance while exposing his bling gold teeth. Note the lack of brain cells which resulted in the elimination of frontal, parietal, temporal and occipital portions of the skull through evolution

Music is like candy, you have to throw away all the rappers.

~ Oscar Wilde on Rap

I got no snare in my headphones.

~ Eminem on Rap

Kids listen to da rap music which gives them da brain damage.

~ Bill Cosby on Rap

Yo we deep in this rap game, you feelin me homie? Arrgh dont feel me nigga!

~ Mobb Deep on rap

Run girl, I'm tryn'na get your pussy wet / Work that, lemme see you drip sweat

~ David Banner on not knowing how a vagina works

Retards Attempting Poetry (also knwon as Rap) is a genre of music (appearently), that is centered around the essential musical concepts of syncopated rhythm and gettin’ jiggy wit da ladieez and sh*t. Once the exclusive preserve of the Vienna Concert House, rap is now just beginning to be understood and accepted by the vast majority of wealthy skinny white kids in suburban bedrooms who spend hours pouring over the “beautiful poetry” of rap by candlelight. Rap is unique in being the only form of music centered around the key of missing C (cRap).

//

Invention

Snoop Dogg and hiz tizzle of corporate sponsizzles hold a prizzle confizzle in an attizzle to bring back the Pippi Longstockizzle fashizzle and dispizzle rumors that the Dogg hizzle sold out, umm… izzle.

The roots of rap can be traced way back to the lovely poetry often rehearsed by 19th century composers, particularly by Gustav Mahler. Gustav invented rap in the 1890s, while he was allegedly “trippin on shrooms”. He overdosed on the medicinal drugs, and fell into a black coma. He was soon transported to another realm of light and magic, of life and death, which was in fact a hospital, where he was put on life support. While recovering in the hospital, Mahler claims he received rap-like revelation from God.

It vas musik, but visout ze musik – zat vas ze zing” wrote Mahler in one of his journals …. “Up until now, all of ze musiks haf been in some sort of key, but zis new musikal invention off mine is mitout any key. It is musik in ze key of missing C. And in conseqvence of zis I shall call it C-Rap.

The new C-Rap music caught on like a storm all across Vienna. A contemporary of Mahler’s described it as like being music distilled from the tears of little children and dustbin lids. Even today a rap tune can bring tears to the eyes.

The C-Rap name was later truncated to just “ap”, then to “p” and finally to ” ” before people realized that the whole truncation thing was getting out of hand and re-cated the name to “Rap”.

One of Mahlers early compositions went like this:

We are islands in the darkness, doomed like aged trees to fall and die in the blazing sun, YO! INNIT NIGGA!

Unfortunately, after Mahler’s untimely demise, rap music sadly fell almost completely into obscurity. The music was outlawed in many countries, and it was only practiced illegally in underground strip clubs. Rap seemed to be fading, but soon it would be revived in a major way.

A long time later, Snoop Doggy Dog was sent to the same hospital after damaging a paw in a shootout, sending him into a similar coma. As if by osmosis, but in fact, because of a mixture of heavy drugs and lightning, Snoop miraculously recovered. He sprinted back to his crib and dashed off some C-Rap in the back of a limo. Six days and eighty-three glasses of Gin and Juice later, he finally got a whole tune done. The exact second the music was officially invented, the crime rate increased by 348%, as did Mr. Doggy Dog’s royalties. This trend continues to grow annually. After the “invention” Snoop prepared to introduce the music to the masses by holding a rap battle at the local KFC. It was a major success, and word of the new music began to spread to many other notable black people such as: Tupac Shakur, 50 Cent, Run-D.M.C., Kobe Bryant, and Fred Durst.

The First Rap Show

The first time a rap show was held was in 1990 at a Violence Prevention Clinic in downtown Los Angeles. Featured rappers included Snoop and Mike Jones. The concert was held for free, once again proving how generous and selfless most rappers are. The concert was an immense success and raised nearly twenty million dollars, which Snoop subsequently donated to a local police precinct. Fans in attendance left the show raving about the new sound, influenced by Snoop, and perhaps the marijuana that the rappers had shot from the amps into the crowd. In any case, the first rap concert helped to further the already fast-growing genre of rap.

The Modern Concept Of “Rap”

Two rappers backstage before a show.

Once introduced to the mainstream, rap music gained much popularity and notoriety. It soon became an important part of modern-day music, especially in Dirty Souff communities, such as the ATL. Today, rap music is produced in an amazingly simple fashion. All one needs to be a rapper is a record studio, and a voice (not always necessary). To be a rapper one also must be a true gangsta, meaning that they’ve killed at least eleven people in the last month, along with being extremely poor and drug-addicted. Rappers then create a beat, and say the same set of nonsensically rhyming words over and over continuously. A beat can usually be created by recording the sound of someone whistling, clapping, and breathing simultaneously. A common requirement of being a rapper is being black, however certain people have been able to cheat the system.

Being a rapper ranked third in the 2006 edition of Forbes magazine’s 16,272 easiest careers. However, contrary to this, it has been well-documented that indeed Pimpin’ ain’t easy. This issue continues to be debated by many leading scholars.

The Life Of A Rapper

G-DUB Bizzush, a famous rapper.

A rapper’s life consists of five basic activities: rappin, pimpin, drinkin, smokin, and the less-known fishin. In fact, a rapper has never been seen when not engaging in one of these activities, even while sleeping. Much like the legend surrounding pirates, rappers are known to bury their bling in obscure locations so nobody can ever find it and take their spinnin rims. To survive rappers have three basic needs: hoards of white women, guns, and drugs/hard liquor. Without any of these necessities, rappers could not live for more than four seconds. Although rappers also are typically known for lots of money, fancy cars, and pimped out cribs, these are not necessities, they simply give the rappers “street cred” in their respective hoods or ghettos. All rappers die in their late 20s from getting shot by another rapper or AIDS. When a rapper is killed, the killer is usually never found because nobody cares about rappers.

Types Of Rap

  • Freestyle – This is a rap which is claimed to be made up on the spot, but is in fact written and rehearsed for several months beforehand.
  • Battle – See above, except that two rappers compete in this way.
  • Song – A rap “song” actually includes no singing, but has a beat and rhyming random words.
  • Gangsta – Raps about bitches, clubs, ho’s, gats, drugs, ghettos, your mom and words ending in izzle.
  • Old Skool – The “good” kind of rap. Strangely enough, it bears little similarities to modern (pure?) rap music in terms of lyrics and often includes attempts at singing outside of the chorus by members of the actual band. Proceed with caution.
  • Garage – Random words are spat from the mouth of about 19 british chavs at 9,000,000,000 BPM. Famous artists include The goose egg Crew, The goose egg Crew, and The goose egg Crew.
  • Baile Funk – The same as gangsta, but performed in clubs in Brazilian slums to a crowd of gun-wielding, cocaine-dealing teenagers.
  • Crunk – Crunk raps often have a retarded dance to accompany them, which often becomes a fad among hip-hop loving 13 year olds who wish they were black and cry whilst wanking to their Soulja Boy poster.

Freestyle

Here is an example of a freestyle rap: Yo, yeah, uh, I’m feelin dis shit. Yeah, uh, yo, listen up…

You’s a dumb bitch, nigga
I’m so rich, nigga
Here’s my money, nigga
The weather is sunny, nigga
Im’ma cap yo ass, nigga
don’t crap in the grass, nigga
With my gun, nigga
Just for fun, nigga
Yo momma is fat, nigga
And here’s my gat!!
Muddafucka!!!
File:Rap star.gif

NOTE: On the line “here’s my gat,” rapper should pull out a gun, and shoot all bystanders.

Freestyle at its finest.

Rap’s Influence

50 Cent takes a break from promoting gang violence and poor grammar to give us a rare peak inside the mind of a true genius.

Rap music has reached far and wide, influencing many people to change their lives, although usually for the worse. The lifestyle of rappers continues to be widely emulated, especially by affluent white adolescent males.

Many rappers believe that these wannabes are “wiggers” or “posers,” and discourage following rappers as role models. A wigger is generally described as “A white person attempting to imitate a black rapper’s style.” Wiggers are often seen flashing gang symbols in a pathetic attempt to be gangsta. It is easy to tell a wigger from a true gangsta, as a true gangsta will have at least thirty bullet wounds clearly visible on his body; a wigger will typically not have even one single gunshot wound. In fact, some wiggers might not even carry or own a firearm! What lowlife posers.

There have been many positive and negative aspects of rap. Positive aspects include:

  • A new genre of music
  • uh…ummm…also….

Anyway, negative aspects have been:

  • The increase in crime rates
  • the over-consumption of drugs and alcohol
  • the wiggerization of society

Overall, rap music is likely a sign of the Apocalypse occurring in the near future.

Rap as a Torture Device

Among Rubix cubes and anime, Rap music is a form of torture which was embraced by Nazis in WWII. Such information can’t be confirmed as none survived, but the smarter ones of society noticed the victims brain tissue disintegrating and put two and two together. The answer, 5, was the estimated amount of listening seconds required for the fatality.

Famous Rappers

Rap has become a criminal dominating force in mainstream music, pushing aside beloved genres such as jazz fusion, polka and minimalist ambient opera, relegating them to the well-mannered sidelines of National Public Radio. Today as many as 87% of all musicians self-identify as Rappers, give or take a 4% margin of error due to surprise drive-bys, the LAPD and Whitney Houston. Below are famous rappers presented in order of most bling to least crunk, or was it most commercial endorsement deals to least number of bullet wounds? Word:

East:

  • 50 Cent
  • Gay-Z
  • Run-D.M.C.
  • Ol’ Dirty Bastard
  • Nas
  • Jesse Jackson
  • Horsedick.mpeg
  • Kokayne Pete and the Meth Hounds
  • Andre Nickatina
  • Skee-Unit
  • Fat Joe
  • Biggles Smallish

West:

  • Snoop Dogg
  • Hot Dogg
  • Ice-T
  • Ice Cube
  • Ice Cream
  • Vanilla Ice
  • Niccolo Machiavelli
  • Robin Thicke
  • Mr.T

Midwest:

  • Eminem
  • Kanye West

Dirty Dirty:

  • Lil Jon
  • Mike Jones
  • UGK
  • Ten Inch Player
  • Lil Wayne
  • Officer Ricky
  • Shawty Hoe
  • Gucci Man
  • Emmanuel aka K.I.D.

Others:

  • DJ Celine Dion
  • MC Lamchop
  • Abu Hamza

Four enthusiastic shadow puppeteers, only a second after the sheet accidentally fell down during their performance of “Birds”.

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