Writer's Caffe

December 12, 2009

Napoleon Bonaparte

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 9:39 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte upon his noble steed. This image may seem irresponsibly large, but trust me, Napoleon would have wanted it that way.

I knew that guy. Big, tall, intimidating fellow amirite? Teehee!

~ Oscar Wilde on Napoleon Bonaparte

BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW!

~ Napoleon Bonaparte on his favorite song by Judas Priest

I speak three languages: French, English and Russian. To talk with my cold hard bitch, I use French. For diplomatic correspondences, I use English. And while caressing my horses, I use Russian.

~ Napoleon Bonaparte on on Russians

Well at least I wasn't the only idiot who made the mistake of invading Russia.

~ Hitler on Napoleon Bonaparte

We Surrender!

~ Post Napoleanic French on Their New National Motto

Napoleon “Torrez” Bonaparte was an French military officer, King of Italy, Emperor of France, and a tall man who, as the picture here seems to depict, is apparently a motorcycle enthusiast. He rose to prominence after ending the Reign of Terror that followed the French Revolution, and replacing it with his Reign of a Moderate But Tolerable Amount of Fear. He is famous for being the first person in the French military since Charlemagne to not fellate his troops, being vertically challenged, instituting the Napoleonic Code, pwning most of Europe before losing everything to an Englishman who was named after his boots, being vertically challenged, and getting really ticked off whenever some smartass remarked that he didn’t look very much like Jon Heder. Napoleon is regarded by everyone to be the biggest BAMF in history, famous as one of the greatest military strategists for using his new tactic of blowing the crap out of anything that moves. Especially limeys.

Also, he was tall.

//

Childhood

He was born in 1756 on the island of Corsica and again in 1769 on the Island of Lesbos in Greece. His father was Italian and spoke an Argentinian dialect of Latin-Italian language; his mother was Italian, a putanna who spoke Icelandic and Scots Gaelic, therefore Napoleon grew up speaking Platt-Deutsch. As a child, he loved knocking over the creations of stupid Jenga nerds, so he knew he would join the military some day. As a young child his justification for his actions was usually “Because it was funny.” This was also his justification for taking over Europe. He was fond of saying “Der Furz hat keine nase” just before letting go with a SBD fart. He also enjoyed learning Italian customs. Although many assholes noted scholars Americans like to point out that Napoleon is Corsican few point to the fact that he was a potato trapped in a man’s body. Hitler liked dogs, and we say this to point out the fact that you can say something nice about almost anyone. Sadly, this is not true of Napoleon. As a result of Napoleon’s Corsican birth, many of his troops mistook his war cries for an Italian charge and turned to face the war cry’s source, only to realize it is their general. Napoleon has hovered very close to death on countless occasions as a result.

As a child, he prefered to be called Nappy so many of his fellow Corsicans who wanted him to dominate the world called him “baby Nappy” early on. He spent countless hours playing with his GI Joes, usually in the backyard of the crotchety Russian who lived next door. Growing up in a town where most men stood at least 7’0″, Napoleon was teased about his rather modest[1] height of 3’1″. Scholars believe that this teasing — which crushed his dreams of playing professional basketball and made Napoleon excessively self-conscious of his moderate stature — resulted a tendency to overcompensate in all of his personal endeavors. This condition is known as a Napoleon complex,[2] not to be confused with a Neapolitan complex, which is an illogical obsession with mixed-flavor ice creams.[3]

Early career

Of course, Corsica is boring as hell, so Napoleon joined the French Army as soon as he could. He originally wanted to be in the cavalry, but his superiors told him that the Army didn’t use elephants ponies. Unfortunately, Napoleon didn’t realize that they were insulting his height until they were out of the room, so he couldn’t deliver a snappy comeback. He next tried the infantry, which turned out to be a bust as well, as everyone assumed he was a god and wanted to put him in a temple.

That left the artillery. Napoleon took to it immediately. Something about firing those big, long, powerful cannons just made him feel better about himself. Plus, it takes a lot of cajones to insult a man for being tall when he’s aiming a 6-foot-long gun right at your crotch. Thanks to this newfound love of bossing people around, he was soon promoted to Captain of his brigade. Next, he invented several brilliant strategies, including his clever “trying to figure out what the other guy is going to do ahead of time”, the devious “skipping the wine and cheese parties, getting off your lazy butts and fighting the goddamn battle,” “hiding in the bushes and trees and ambushing the enemy with tomohawks and dynamite,” and the most cunning and revolutionary strategy of all, “not surrendering.”

Because of his ingenious tactics, Napoleon rose to the top of the French military.Soon many of the Republic’s elite distrusted him and decided to send him on a mission to defeat the armies of Ancient Egypt. The Pharaoh and his charioteers fought bravely against hopeless odds, but were finally defeated when Napoleon personally used an artillery gun to blast the nose off of the mighty Sphinx. Fearing the Great Pyramids would be next, Pharaoh surrendered and Egypt was libre.

Napoleon’s ascent was helped by the fact that most of the people who outranked him found themselves beheaded during the Reign of Terror the most famus of wich was the assanation of Peppy La Peow. Since rampant fear and paranoia tend to get a little tedious after a while, the members of the French government (the ones who still had their heads, at least) asked Napoleon to use the French Army to restore order, because few things can calm out-of-control political situations like the judicious use of military dictatorship.

When one politician pointed out that Napoleon could use this opportunity to seize power for himself, he was quickly rebuked by his colleagues. After all, it wasn’t like the French people would allow themselves to be represented in world affairs by a giant person, right?

Napoleon was in fact considered to be the meanest general because if you didn’t like what he said he could easily punch you in the tender region below the belt often known as a pussy region for many. Therefore nobody every opposed him.

Getting to sit in the cushy seat

“A throne is only a bench covered with surround sound speakers and a cup-holder untill I make several assprints on it!”

~ Napoleon talking to Tsar Alexander

Well, it turned out that the French people emperors were usually taller and cooler than kings. As the new monarch, Napoleon I was entitled to all. French people didn’t mind Napoleon’s tallness at all, as such details are easy to ignore when that person has all of the guns. Sure enough, in 1804, he got himself crowned Emperor of France, reasoning that of the amenities that came with the position, the most notable being an increased success rate at picking up chicks and getting laid. He had already married Josephine de Beauharnais in 1798, who by all accounts was one of the hottest pieces of ass in France at the time. Granted, she was about a foot taller than he was, but most people were polite enough not to bring that up.

Pwnage of Europe

Napoleon naturally aroused the jealousy of other Europeans by being such a great (but tall) guy in everything, from military to fashion, from politics to cookery. The British eventually grew weary of him, mostly because he was “so bloody French”, as the Duke of Wellington put it. Thus, when Napoleon decided to invade Italy, there was some cause for concern, but everybody figured it was okay because he was already Italian to begin with. However, when he decided he wanted Austria, too, an international coalition gathered to stop him. Unfortunately, they forgot to take into account Napoleon’s madd skillz at Risk™ and Stratego™, and as a result, the Emperor of France got to add most of Western Europe to his ever-growing list of potential sites for his country estate.[8]

A minor stnank

Apparently, the man didn’t know Russia got cold in the winter.

After conquering most of Europe, Napoleon set his sights on Russia to further his goal of making history associate his name with really, really big things.[9] Thus, in the summer of 1812, he gathered the Grande Armée and marched towards Moscow. All went as planned, except for two minor oversights on Napoleon’s part. First, he’d intended for his troops to live off the land during their invasion, but Napoleon quickly found out that Russia was pretty much a barren wasteland.[10] Second, Napoleon’s map of Europe was apparently not drawn to scale, because the journey from Paris to Moscow took a bit longer than expected. Russia, it turned out, was big. Really, vastly, truly huge. Not only did this put a huge strain on supply lines, it meant that the troops were constantly asking “Are we there yet?” Several times Napoleon had to threaten to turn the army around and go straight back to France if they didn’t settle down.

Anyhow, as a result, by the time Napoleon reached the Kremlin’s gates, he had to tangle with the Russian military’s most potent force: General Winter.

Even though Napoleon’s forces numbered 691,501 men[11] while Winter had only -40° C,[12] the battle was surprisingly close. But in the end, Napoleon had to accept defeat, as the vast majority of his army eventually reverted to the pansiness that the French military had been known for in days of yore and started whining and complaining about things getting frozen in the cold, including their wine, their cheese, their baguettes, and their limbs. The wusses. However, Napoleon argued at the time that this was not a retreat from Moscow — the Emperor had merely decided that he’d have more success advancing on Paris. Furthermore, he later claimed that he’d changed his mind about adding Russia to his collection since its all-white color scheme didn’t suit the more festive decor of France, Spain, and Italy.

Arguably, Napoleon’s military career peaked with the invasion of Russia. However, Winter’s military career was just getting started, as the Russian Winter would later go on to display similar brilliance in dealing with the German army in 1941-1942. As a result, many military historians now regard the Russian Winter as the greatest military strategist in history.

Exile

When Napoleon returned to France, the Allied forces (who had been camping on the outskirts of Paris) ambushed him and and forced him to abdicate his throne. They then banished him to the island of Elba, in the Mediterranean Sea, where he wouldn’t be able to bother anyone ever again.

Or rather, he wouldn’t have bothered anyone ever again if Amnesty International hadn’t complained loudly that the excessive boredom of Elba constituted a deprivation of Napoleon’s dignity and was therefore a form of torture that had been outlawed by the Geneva Convention. As a solution, it was suggested that the former monarch be given an infantry unit and a ship to keep himself occupied. Though several parties vocally opposed this measure, claiming that Napoleon would almost certainly abuse these privileges, eventually they gave in, just to get the pinkos to shut up.

Waterloo

Due to British Home Office cock ups, Napoleon was released from Elba accidently and within one hundred days, he’d amassed an army of over 9000 and was back in Paris, governing like nothing had happened. After multiple I-told-you-so’s were exchanged, the Allies, lead by the Duke of Wellington, went off to put Napoleon in his place again.

Here, however, Napoleon met his metaphorical Waterloo when the two armies met at a place called, curiously enough, Waterloo, in Belgium.[13] It was as if, again, history was repeating itself noted several nordic proto-UN peacekeepers.[14] It was a bloody battle, full of carnage and strife, with both sides sustaining massive casualties[15], punctuated by breaks for waffles. However, in the end, Napoleon got his ass handed to him on a platter after Wellington’s tactically brilliant move of yelling “Look behind you! It’s a Russian winter!”.

It was as if, again, history was repeating itself noted several nordic proto-UN peacekeepers.

Exile (again)

The allies exiled Napoleon to Gotham City’s Arkham Asylum, which is an island in the middle of a pond of toxic water (or somewhere in Poland). This time, the whiny liberals were told to STFU and GTFO, and Napoleon didn’t get any military units to play with, not even his leaded plastic army of lesbian aliens, which he so dearly loved to blow up with fireworks or the ones made in Malaysia with the so-called ‘Mercun KLCC’. They didn’t even let him bring his Risk™ board, either, even though nobody plays Risk™ on St. Patrick’s ass. This left him with absolutely nothing to do, except pacing, counting the dots on the ceiling tiles in his bedroom (69,105), and scrimshaw. They also took away his platform shoes, which meant he had to go back to moping about his tallness and also his stupid hat, which make him look like the shorter version of King Neptune which left SpongeBob’s eyes blinded.

Napoleon died with a smile in 1824. Later, traces of laughing gas were found in his retarded lungs, suggesting that he had a last sex moment with The female Joker. Some historians cited this as evidence that Napoleon was murdered by excessive raping by Dolly Parton , and it is much easier to agree with them if you want them to shut the fuck up, because let’s face it, nothing’s worse than a pushy historian like your mother. Other scholars claim that he died of super dick cancer, and that anyone who thinks otherwise has never had to spend a year wearing Laura Bush’s panties. Still other historians point to a large number of stinking socks observed in the area, which could be evidence of a Saudi Arabian winter. However, for what it’s worth, I think it was Col. Sanders in the hot pot with a few chicken feathers which gave him the idea of KFC(Kentucky Fucked Chicks).

Accomplishments

  • Napoleon has chinballitis
  • Napoleon got a cake named after him.
  • Someway, somehow, little children seem to get that three-flavor ice-cream with the crappy strawberry stuck between the chocolate and vanilla that is neopolitan, confused with Napolean.
  • People in Norway still likes his hat.

Footnotes

  1. ↑ When I say “rather modest,” I of course mean “ridiculously puny.”
  2. ↑ And if you need me to tell you how it got that name, you’re hopelessly stupid.
  3. ↑ Of course, being Italian, Napoleon suffered from this as well.
  4. ↑ Or Major, or Sargeant… ah, who cares?
  5. ↑ Actually, he was pretty much ripping off Sun Tzu, but nobody bothered to check because they were distracted by Napoleon’s huge cannon.
  6. ↑ Meanwhile, France’s oldest and most reputable white-flag making company, Le Grande Wuss, were forced to file for bankruptcy.
  7. ↑ They were incompetent aristocrats and lawyers anyway.
  8. ↑ So called because Napoleon wanted his estate to cover an entire country.
  9. ↑ And really, at that point the only thing Russia had going for it was its bigness.
  10. ↑ Also, the only alcohol available was cheap vodka, instead of the more sophisticated champagne that the French troops were used to.
  11. ↑ And several prostitutes — armies were always followed by prostitutes back then.
  12. ↑ There might have been a few Russians there, too.
  13. ↑ What are the odds?
  14. ↑ What are the odds?
  15. ↑ A more detailed account of the battle is recounted in the polemic first edition of the novel Ulysses (also mysteriously called “Waterloo”) specifically a chapter titled ABBA or A Belgian’s Bride Arrives, this was later performed by an anonymous deafmute youth at the Eurovision Benefit for the Curing of the Blind Exposition in 1930.
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December 11, 2009

Africa

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 10:23 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Africa

Did you know…
that Africa is God’s blindspot?

Africa sad.

The only thing positive about Africa is HIV.

~ Oscar Wilde on Africa

No surprise people evolved and moved out!

~ Charles Darwin on Africa

Africa is not actually a country, but a continent. It is widely agreed to be Earth’s shittiest continent, in more ways than one. For one thing, most of the land is wracked with hunger, poverty, disease, genocide, giant bugs, giant apes and hopelessness. Also, it is caked in feces. Not a pleasant place to be, all things considered. It’s got exotic animals though. Suh-weet!

//

History

If colonial Africa had been a plate, it would’ve looked like this. Without the abundant food, of course.

By comparison, if precolonial Africa had been a plate, it would’ve looked like this. With some more fruit, of course.

The continent of Africa was first formed many many moons ago. Exactly how many moons ago is not important unless you’re studying geology, and since you are currently browsing Uncyclopedia, I think it’s safe to rule that one out.

Africa is notable in that it is the original homeland of the human species. Keep in mind that this is the consensus reached by the scientific community only. Fundamentalists for some reason do not like the idea that Adam and Eve were Africans. Charming lot, those fundamentalists.

Back at the dawn of humanity, Africa was a harsh yet beautiful land. The climate was comfortable, the Sahara was a vast grassland, and the animals were not nearly as vicious as they could have been. Gotta look for the silver lining in these things. Africa was also home to the first human civilizations, including the Egyptians and the various tribes of the West Coast. No, not California. Africa. Stay focused. Things aren’t always about America, you know.

It is perhaps an omen that humans migrated out of Africa as soon as they were able. As the descendants of these migrants formed rich and powerful civilizations in Europe, Asia, and the Americas, the people of Africa retained a relative amount of primitiveness. Maybe it was the heat. Heat does make you lethargic, after all.

The African people paid for their technological tardiness when the White Man arrived just after the Middle Ages. Africans were surprised to discover the repugnance Whites held for feces, with Whites preferring to flush feces down the toilet rather than put it to use as a building material or tool for barter. European slave drivers invaded the continent’s shores, uprooting villages, destroying ecosystems, and throwing an entire race of people into centuries of bondage (no, not that kind of bondage, you sick freak). Just think of it as the moment Africa “jumped the shark,” so to speak.

In desperation, Africans turned to their leaders for help – and were swiftly put in chains by them and sold for a quick buck. Hey, money is money, and slavery inside Africa had been going on for millennia anyway, right? Right. Now we shall not speak of this again.

As time progressed, Africa was gradually liberated from the shackles of European oppression, for reasons ranging from British overlords benevolently handing over power as a just reward for exceptional service to the empire, to French dictators tiring of the badonkadonk and choosing to focus instead on children, to German masters stripping the land of all usable resources and, out of boredom, seeing what would happen if they turned loose their uneducated, angry, and sexually promiscuous subjects onto one another with no competent leadership or direction whatsoever — the latter of which eventually progressed into the longest running joke in the history of affluent white people.

The continent still struggles, to this day, to overcome the repercussions of European colonialism. Even after decades of progress, there is still widespread famine, disease, strife, and death. But hey, you can’t blame their corrupt leaders for not trying, right? Right? Well, maybe you can.

Economy

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Nothing?

The money raised during the 1985 fundraiser “USA for Africa” benefited wildlife especially.

Don't cancel Africa's debts - consolidate them into one affordable monthly payment!

~ The World Bank on Africa

The African economy is referred to as “fecal-fiscal”. This is because most African nations’ currencies are “worth shit”. Feces has played an important role in African history. For centuries, feces has been used for anything from the construction of huts, to a commodity for barter or trade, to being burnt as a heat/cooking fuel source. In fact, it is also the staple food of the land. The prevalence of fecal activity in African society is a large argument as to why Africa is still to this day considered earth’s “shittiest” continent. Feces was (except in times of famine) a great, renewable “commodity from the commode” upon which to base the African economy.

Summary of some better-known African economic models:

  • Saharan Africa: It has, like, two people per square mile. There is no economy. At all. None.
  • Egypt: Mainly trinket-based, with a side of thievery and a sprinkling of bombs. By the way, would you like to buy this wonderful artifact stolen directly from an ancient tomb?
  • Nigeria: PRINCE AND HEIR APPARENT PRINCE OUBOUGOU AMA IWABE NHYNHUJU WISHES TO GENEROUSLY TRANSFER TO OVERSEAS THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED TRILLION TRILLION ZIMBWABWEAN DOLLARS (ZUSD. 1 x 10^26)(TRANSLATES TO USD $0.17) FROM AFRICA, INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. PLEASE HELP!
  • Congo (Both DRC and RC): Drugs, plus revenue from infecting people with jungle rot and ransoming them for the cure. Also blood diamonds thanks to colonials and posh-speaking Poms. Also, selling videos of the violence to horror film producers.
  • East Africa: Safaris. Nothing else matters here.
  • Zimbabwe: A 50 trillion zimbabwean dollars economy (translates to USD 21,99). But if you do not count the piracy, this value decreases to 5,50 zimbabwean dollars. Turns out Zimbabwe’s debt is somewhere around 200% of their actual economy…nice try though.
  • Somalia: A single $10 bill. Unfortunately it is too crumpled to be accepted by the nation’s thousands of well-stocked vending machines. Recently they have discovered the art of piracy, hoping to add another $10 bill towards the countries rising economy.
  • South Africa: Great. Unless you count the AIDS.
  • Kenya: The only known exporter of Lions and Tigers. A recent poll revealed that Kenya remains on the map due only to the song.

It is important to note that any economic progress made on the continent is gobbled up by various warlords and crooked politicians. You think you get mad when you hear that millions are spent to build an Alaskan “bridge to nowhere”? In Africa, that same sum is spent daily to ensure that the local warlord’s boots stay clean enough for his thugs to eat off of. That is, if the thugs had food or even boots, of course, which they don’t. All they have is tusks, as, thanks to the efforts of Dr. Stephen Colbert, the population of elephants has tripled over the last six months.

Incidentally, UNICEF has found that all of the food and money donations to Africa so far have been going to this one really fat kid.

Exports

A map depicting an unusually intelligent American’s conception of Africa.
  • Out of Africa (movie)
  • Asylum seekers
  • Email Scams (Mostly Nigeria)
  • Drug crime
  • Knife crime
  • French footballers
  • Violent criminals
  • Novelty “Zulu tribesman” souvenirs
  • Madagascar (the movie)
  • Africa (song)
  • Braided hair
  • Black People
  • Ebola
  • Malaria
  • Feces
  • Ivory
  • Conflict Diamonds
  • Hurricanes
  • The cool things about the French Foreign Legion
  • AIDS
  • Apos’trophes t’hat s’erve no’ purpo’se
  • Chests filled with inherited cash
  • Dirt
  • Crime
  • Gang rape
  • Slaves
  • Orphans
  • Hilarious zoophilia videos
  • Tarzan
  • Parasites
  • Bad smells
  • All-male athletic teams
  • Gruesome news stories
  • Hippopotamuses
  • The horror… the horror…
  • Chris Brown, a hypothetical creature made of genes extracted from the AIDS virus.

Government

What’s that? You don’t agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe’s official policies?
You’re trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren’t you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!

WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS! GUARDS, GET ‘EM!!!

Culture

The Ambassador of Hakuna and the State Councilor of Matata travel to the United Nations Conference in Bawin-Baway.


African culture is rich and varied, with a strong oral tradition and a wealth of artistic treasures. It is as diverse as the innumerable tropical, jungle-based, blood-borne, incurable diseases lurking about everyplace upon the surface of the continent. Of course, very few good things in Africa come without a price. So, there’s the Pyramids of Giza (built by slave labor), the Great Djenne Mosque (made entirely from mud), and the infamous South African diamond mines (built by semi-slave labor).

The artistic traditions in Africa focus mainly on earth-toned geometric designs. This is mainly because there is precious little subject matter in Africa fit for painting, drawing, and weaving. If Norman Rockwell lived in Africa, he would be an unhappy man. So would just about anyone.

Africa also enjoys a diverse tapestry of religions. There’s Islam, Radical Islam, Fundamentalist Islam, Conservative Islam, Moderate Islam, Shiite Islam, Sunni Islam, and various tribal beliefs (who in a few years will surely convert to Islam). Ancient Egyptian mythology, while no longer seriously believed in, is still ripe for making bad Mummy sequels. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a “voodoo” religion in Africa. It’s called “hoodoo”, and trust me, you don’t want to piss those people off.

The majority of American youth enjoy Africa’s exotic culture. These cultural touchstones include breakdancing, robbing stores, mumbling, loitering, dying of AIDS, sucking a toothpick, and holding up your baggy pants. The most popular African export is rap music. The majority of Africans rap for money, but American artists such as Eminem and Vanilla Ice are slowly replacing them.

Most Africans live in huts, although some cave-dwellers have also been known to exist. Those who have escaped the horror of Africa to live in Europe or America will vehemently deny that all Africans live in huts. However, this is just a ruse to try to get you to think better of them. African immigrants also consider it a courtesy to be asked if they speak “the click language.” Also, all African students ride some form of wild animal to school. Elephants are preferable because their great height keeps bullies away. Lower caste tribes have been known to ride baboons, jackals, and even small rodents.

In contrast to the rest of their culture, their language is not varied. They only have one language, Afrikaans, which only has clicky things and no other letters.

Geography

A map depicting a more typical American’s conception of Africa.

Africa is, in fact, incontinent — erm, a continent — but pseudo-Texans like George W Bush think it’s a country. To the average American, Africa has only four countries: Egypt, Morocco, South Africa and The Lion King. And if you have an email account, perhaps Nigeria. A movie nut? Madagascar and Kenya, and maybe Zimbabwe. But that’s pushing it. Of course, Americans also think that all Africans are tribesmen who live in grass huts, which actually isn’t too far from the truth.

Don’t get me wrong, Africa does have its share of cities. It’s just that they’re filled with slums, crime, feces and barbed wire. Cairo, Mombasa, Johannesburg, Nairobi, Lagos… sure, they put on a friendly face for the tourists, but get past that cheerful, sunny exterior and you find a cesspool of human failure, strife, and misery. But hey, they’ve got monkeys!

Off the east coast of Africa lies the island of Madagascar. Don’t let the movie fool you. This is not a carefree paradise full of friendly and eccentric lemurs. Well, the lemurs are true, but they’re not friendly. Neither are the insects, nor the flesh-eating diseases they carry. Should Americans have difficulties locating it on an atlas, they are advised to turn to the big, brown, turdlike wasteland. That is, of course, if they own an atlas, or if they know what an atlas is.

Like islands you’ve never heard of? Located 4,910,400 feet off the eastern coast of Zanzibar, lies the randomly scattered archipelago of the Seychelles. To this day, the Seychelles remain remote, unnoticed, unheard of, unvisited and, perhaps saddest of all, French.

Still lost? Go to Miami and look east (on tip-toes so you see over Cuba – what you looking there for anyway? (You know it’s banned!). See that big lump? That’s Africa, and Madagascar is on the far side. You can step down, now.

Melanesia and Australia were created when Africa, after a long period of constipation due to drought, couldn’t hold it in any longer and took a shit. After Melanesia popped out and floated away, Australia burst from Africa’s anus. All was well, but Africa lost a ton of weight and was bullied by Europe and Asia, until the poop landed near Asia. Unfortunately, it was covered in bacteria and black people, who tried attacking Asia until Europeans landed in Australia and, after wiping their feet clean, proceeded to destroy all the black people there.

Scroll

There is a small and remote chance, though not proven in any way, that the god Odin redundantly created the known universe using vi. The story that tells the story was found on a scroll in central Africa.

Pro and Cons

Before travelling to Africa, one should carefully weigh the pro and cons of the trip. Consider this:

PRO:

  • It’s nice and sunny
    most of the time,
    and they’ve got monkeys!
CONS:

  • Widespread famine
  • Lacks fresh salmon
  • Eventually… Armageddon
  • Rampant crime
  • Dirt and grime
  • E-mail scams
  • Traffic jams
  • Broken dams
  • Spy cams
  • Poisoned hams
  • Robert Mugabe
  • The Congo army
  • Hopeless poverty
  • No real sovereignty
  • Worthless money
  • Killer bee honey
  • Runny shits
  • Sweaty pits
  • Spiders big as fists
  • “Gorillas in the Mist”
  • Shag carpets
  • Black markets
  • Broken baskets
  • Flimsy caskets
  • Unpaid debts
  • Clammy sweats
  • Desperate migrations
  • The world’s poorest nations
  • Canceled flights
  • Bug bites
  • Itchy mites
  • Faulty lights
  • Freezing nights
  • Parasites
  • Dust mites
  • Lost kites
  • [Monsoon|Torrential rains]]
  • Backed-up drains
  • Tardy trains
  • Hideous stains
  • Rebel fleets
  • Gangster streets
  • Sweltering heat
  • “Bushmeat”
  • Dehydration
  • Desertification
  • Hyperinflation
  • A lost generation
  • Political corruption
  • Commercial interruption
  • Genocide
  • Ecocide
  • Homicide
  • Regicide
  • Toxic water
  • Getting hotter
  • Kidnapped daughters
  • Village slaughters
  • Bad smells
  • Hells Bells
  • Bomb shells
  • Prison cells
  • Hostile scouts
  • Broken routes
  • Drought
  • Gout
  • Malaria
  • Hysteria
  • Extremist sharia
  • Disaster area
  • Tuberculosis
  • Mononucleosis
  • Halitosis
  • Acidosis
  • Atrocities
  • Bureaucracies
  • Entrenched kleptocracies
  • Radical theocracies
  • Weapons caches
  • Airplane crashes
  • Ethnic clashes
  • Itchy rashes
  • Straw huts
  • Mangy mutts
  • Infected cuts
  • Rapacious sluts
  • Dead People
  • Poor people
  • Black people
  • White people
  • Unburied dead
  • Rivers run red
  • Decapitated head
  • Roaches in your bed
  • Somali “government”
  • Female torment
  • Drugs
  • Thugs
  • Bugs
  • Slugs
  • Rip-off rugs, sold to mugs
  • Tour buses with faulty brakes
  • Embarrassing tour guide mistakes
  • Stagnant lakes
  • Antique fakes
  • Poison snakes
  • Huge headaches
  • Toothaches
  • Back aches
  • Stomachaches
  • Earthquakes
  • Amputees
  • Killer bees
  • Wild disease
  • Stolen keys
  • Mean monkeys (called gorillas)
  • Mean humans (called guerrillas)
  • Anguished moans
  • Broken phones
  • Voodoo crones
  • Piles of bones
  • Yellow fever
  • Jungle fever
  • Cabin fever
  • Disco fever
  • Rickety roads
  • Poison toads
  • Immoral goads
  • Your bus explodes
  • Abused women
  • Rotten lemon
  • Abused children
  • Lots o’ killin’
  • Abused men
  • Atrocities again
  • Apes
  • Rapes
  • Apes that rape
  • Rape of apes
  • Porous drapes
  • Poisonous grapes
  • Biohazard warning tape
  • Homicidal dudes escape
  • Botulism
  • Barbarism
  • Feminism
  • Communism
  • Creationism
  • Socialism
  • Cynicism
  • Terrorism
  • Fatalism
  • Dictatorship
  • Drug Ship
  • Gunship
  • Hardship
  • Meth
  • Death
  • Warring tribes
  • Shameless bribes
  • Thieving maids
  • High top fades
  • Super AIDS
  • Army raids
  • Stagnant glades
  • Razor blades
  • Woven braids
  • Frag grenades
  • Stupidity
  • Malignancy
  • Homosexuality
  • Teen Pregnancy
  • Also, did I mention the AIDS?

Plus, the monkeys all have rabies. (And of course AIDS)

Conclusion

Africa sucks. Even fucking Cambodia comes off looking better by comparison. After reading about this dank shit-hole, it’s normal to feel depressed. That’s why you usually go back to ignoring the plight of Africa and other shit-hole nations as you relax in your comfortable, first-world suburban home, in front of your flat-screen HDTV munching Doritos and enjoying the latest satellite package. You make me sick.

December 10, 2009

Kosovo

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:58 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Kosovo

Serb-Albanian-European-American-NATO Republic of Kosovo

Map of Kosovo
motto “In America We Trust”
How to get there Why would you want to?
Largest city Prishtinë (English: Slum)
Official languages Albanian, Serbian, American
President George W. Bush
Area About 2,000,000 square km (Albanian figure)
0 (Serb figure)
Who cares? (American figure)
Population ?
Declaration of Independence 1991
2nd Declaration of Independence 1999
3rd Declaration of Independence 2008
National Hero George W. Bush
Religion rare pro-American Islam 98%, Jew

Yes, I'd say creating this state could be considered a political blunder.

~ Captain obvious

I think Kosovo is looking forward to a great future, just like all my other plans.

~ George Dubya Bush

Kosovo (not to be confused with humanity) is the 53rd state of the USA, which is located in the Balkans. It is home to a large amount of goats and people

//

Geography

The Kosovar people do not actually know the map of their country, hence why they put it on their flag. It is recommended you carry a Kosovo flag with you if you ever visit, because it’s the most accurate guide to the country you will ever get. It is also recommended you then carry this flag to Belgrade.

History

First there were Illyrians and Dardanians (ancient Albanians).
Then they were attacked by Slavs who were immigrating from Siberia and the Urals. These were heavily criticized in the region’s ancient version of the Daily Mail.
Then the Serbs lost their entire army at Kosovo to the Ottomans, who would rule the area for 500 years. The Serbs celebrate this as a national holiday (15th June, St. Vitus’ Day).
The Serbs have always had a claim to the Kosovo region. However, apart from assorted military personnel, there have always been very few Serbs in Kosovo, so their claims defy known logic.

People of Kosovo

Albanians and Serbs. Shit happens. ‘Nuff said.

Economy

Until recently, Kosovo had a thriving economy, which it even managed to maintain after independence. However, their economy plunged into crisis recently as their donkey died.

Traditions

Official Logo of G-Land gettin’ high Fest

Wedding ceremonies consist of downing a few bottles of strong rakia and then driving to the nearest large city (eg Rome or Milan, the Balkans has no cities that anyone gives a shit about). This is so people know they are happy. And drunk.

When a Kosovar Albanian boy is 16, he is initiated into the cult nation. This is done by removing the testicles of a goat and force feeding them to a Serbian girl. This is a sign of something, but no one quite knows what, they just know that they find it funny for some reason. A Greek can also be substituted if Serbs are not available. A custom for younger children is to burn as many Serbs as possible.

Main Events

No major sporting events can be held in Kosovo, because the country is closed once a week for cleaning.

Entertainment

WEED, and lots of it. A commok Kosovar proverb is that “weed makes everything better”. Kosovar children generally get their first weed at the age of 1, however some are already used to it as pregnant Kosovar women smoke it as a childbirth aid.

Sports

Kosovo vs. the Netherlands

Kosovar sports are not any different than European ones, except that local rules state that any sports event cannot begin unless more than half of the players are drunk, high or both. This makes ice hockey and NASCAR particularly interesting. However, this means that the Kosovo FA have been refused admission to FIFA, and Formula 1 refuse to consider Kosovo for a race.

Scotland

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:52 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Scotland

Image:JockDance.gif WARNING
This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt,
drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly.
Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk.
Image:Startan.jpg
Panasonic, or is it Alba?
Democratic Republic of Jockland
Scotland
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: “Dinniae fuck wi’ me, by ‘i wi”
Anthem: Get Tae Buggery
A map of Scotland from the cutting edge cartography department at Glasgow University
Capital Edinburgh
Largest city Loch Ness
Official languages Gaelic, Jockanese
Government Media Backed Socialist European Satellite State
Emperor Alex Salmond
National Hero(es) William Wallace
Declaration
of Independence
Not Yet
Currency Empty Irn Bru Bottles, haggis
Religion Prdestant, Sodomy
Major imports Booze, Frozen Food, Drugs, Polish Immigrants
Opening hours None (Signed on)

The whole world looks to Scotland to see where civilization is going…and is deeply troubled

~ Voltaire on Scotland

Scotland (Gaelic:Scoffamarrsbar) is to England (aka Britain) what Canada is to the US, only with fewer moose and bears, It is also as the appendix is to the human body – not strictly necessary but can get inflamed, causing severe irritation, Indeed despite the Scots being the founder member of the Federation of Nations that hate Britain it harbours no hatred for Those Morris dancing sassenach bastards England. Scotland is also famous for its marvelous weather and unrivaled sporting domination of such events as Shinty and Haggis throwing plus its infamous red haired population, previously thought to be caused by genetics but has recently been discovered to be the side effects of drinking excessive amounts of Irn Bru

//

Historical Political & Existential Situation

Historically, Scotland bore the brunt of several Empires including the Swedish, Roman and English Empires respectively trying to wipe oot the backward n infamously angry inhabitants. For each empire this has turned intae a Vietnam situation as Scotland more or less developed guerrilla fighting n ethical Nihilism in these dark years. Walls were even erected tae keep oot the ‘Blue Genital Aliens’. Rape tactics were also employed tae genetically wipe the Scots oot. Unfortunately fur the invaders the Scots took these ideas on board and have launched programs to breed oot the planet; this is why most people can trace Scottish ancestry (this is also how Edinbugs ur so fuckin’ inbred).

More recently in history more attempts were made to wipe out these surprisingly resourceful people economically, Marge Twatcher used Poll Taxes and stipends to try and starve off this ‘wart on top of England’ as she put it, but this failed as well. The economic decline throughout the eighties gave birth to the “Scottish Hobos” (Trademark) and all Europe were swarmed by the alcoholic inhabitants.

Currently further issues have ensued with Salmond the Hutt being elected as First Minister (Not ‘Prime Minister’ as this would sound too English), his Manifesto threatens England with its main policy of “Pissing off Westminster”. The political policy has the newly elected Scottish National Party (SNP) ignoring the largely underdeveloped north which is now more populated by English than Scots; this is coupled with the desperate urban decay of the larger cities of Glasgow and Edinburgh and time will tell if these cities can be brought back from dissolution as well as the rest of Scotland.

It has been declared by Salmond the Hutt that when he has ‘liberated’ Scotland he will sell it to Norway at a knockdown price, and he hopes that the Norwegians will be able to turn around the failed state.

Further developments have been made to upgrade the Culture selling as much as possible out to America renewing and interest in this Country and one can tell little difference between stereotypes if you’re rich, however the underlying poverty and closet sheep buggery tell of a place far more backward than Eastern Europe.

Westminster has vowed to civilize the place, Gordon Brown the Scottish Prime minister of England has declared “Britain shall not withdraw from Scotland until a firm Democratic Government has been formed.” He also declared that England would never be free from British rule too, so he was being quite fair.

In a religious sense Scotland has been a moot point with most religious needs being satisfied by Buggery (Arse is the Altar) particularly of Sheep and poor Scottish women who have to put up with the generously endowed Scots humping them up the crapper. The Catholic Church is one such Institution along with Empires and Economists that have tried to civilize Scotland, they have failed and many feel Islam to be the answer but John Smeaton has driven the Muslims out. This leaves Buddhism as the only religion not to be ousted, so no hopes there.

God himself has spoken out saying “Scotland was a bloody terrible idea” and pointed out that Scots had invented many things of fuckin’ significant use to the world all of them alcohol based. The fact that God was hammered on Whisky was not mentioned. God has now declared that the ‘Lords of Salem’ are the only hope of eradicating this backward and altogether Heathen People.

Economy

When not busy hating all foreigners, particularly the Scottish, the average Scot can be found wandering about fields and pubs searching for more treasure to add to their medieval bank vaults. Scotland is famous for exporting many wares/foods which will inevitably destroy your body. Examples of these deadly fetishes are; any possible object being dipped into a deep fat fryer(Examples include Mars Bars and Pizzas), Irn-Bru, Scotch Eggs, Haggis, Sheep, and Rob Schneider. They also export Scotch Tape, Scotch whisky, butterscotch, and hopscotch. Scotland rarely imports goods, but on the occasion that it does it can import goods/wares such as; Electricity, Hills, Tourists, and The Royal Family (German Upstarts). Scotland also had a thriving beer and wine industry but due to the high alchohal content, was deemed hazardous and shut down as a threat to public health. The remaining beers and wines in Scotland are put towards thinning paint and processing nuclear grade plutonium. As is well known, there is no running water in Scotland, but genetic adaptation has allowed the Scots to survive solely on the artificially occurring acidity regulator, known as ‘Irn-Bru’.

Alliances

Scotland’s head-and-shoulders shot from its entry on the Adult Friend Finder website

Scotland is not currently allied with anyone although they do go out drinking and having a good time whilst watching the football (soccer for the W/Yanks) and rugby with Ireland on occasion. Generally speaking, Scotland and Ireland are chums in all things Gaelic and teuchter, both having mastered the art of supplying holidays ideal for fat Americanos. Just think of sectarianism in Glasgow as a lovers’ tiff between a married couple, or a light-hearted joke that got out of hand. Although prone to the odd bit of unwelcome sectarian chanting (and the odd chibbing), in general the peaceful folk of this quaint place leave all the real hooliganism to their bastardly neighbour England. Along with Wales, the three countries were close friends during their high school years, often being given a swirlie (full of fucking oil) by England during study periods; however they lost touch after graduation. They used to get on quite well with France, but the relationship cooled after Scotland got drunk and suggested a threesome with Norway. This proposition was referred to by historians of the time as the Bald Alliance, because it was at this time that Norway’s hair began to come out in clumps.

Though officially insisting that the decision had been mutual, after the split from France, Scotland is widely thought to have let itself go. It put on weight, took up Protestantism, and began importing even more alcopops than before, tripling what was already a world record. Scotland, the country, is not officially at war with any country, the City of Glasgow and the City of Edinburgh have been at war ever since the latter collided with the former. Huge numbers of casualties have resulted on both sides, and both cities are pale shadows of their former selves.

Mostly though Scotland does not really bother about alliances, we have unspeakable social problems, although we tend to side with whoever is against England or “tha Inglish bastards”. We have strong Economic ties with America and it is hoped they will revitalize our backward economy with their exchange students.

National Character

Typical Sco’ish people. Later in the day, knives are also worn.
File:Paintcat08.jpg

The Cat, favorite pet of Scots.

Now it’s my time to shine with these people (the English} whom technically I hate and look down on, yet I so crave their approval and validation The Scottish ”

~ Gordon Brown on becoming Dictator of England

Typically Scottish people are characterized by high achieving muscle-bound anti-social bastards, the reason for their success is not only the substantial pay off from England to stave off independence but also the motivation of the Scots which is hate and resentment, this drives them not only success at home and abroad but to a deep contempt for their fellow man. The national motto of Scotland is, in Latin, “Nemo me impune lacessit” or the Gaelic “Cha togar m’ fhearg gun dìoladh”, which translate roughly to “Yeh fuck with the bull, yee get the hoorns”.

The Scots are a strange and rather annoying people who have so little understanding of the concept of freedom that they confuse it with nationalism, or sovereignty. This misunderstanding has caused much trouble for those who attempt to co-exist with their ethnic descendants, the real Americans (wait a second, why isn’t this on Wikipedia?).

Many subscribe to the idea that the Scots hate the English, in truth the Scots hate each other far more than any foreigners.

Another thing that will strike the visitor to our waterlogged land is the tendency for Scots either to be euphoric, angry or wholly disengaged from reality (Leonidas); whether this is the ‘Illness of Scotland’ (see Below) or the concentration of insanity in the genes leaves many scientists baffled, similarly the high achievement is also baffling since the population is mostly illiterate and has low concentration span due to the terrible diets the Scots have.

The English want ultimately to be like the Scottish, the Scots however openly display hate for the English and the further north the more prevalent it is to find that to be called English or “Inglish” is an insult in itself. Of course the term “Inglish” should not be confused with “Inglis”, a Lowland Scottish term for themselves and language (barmy isn’t it?). Even the Cornish try to be like the Scots, but we hate them and we’ll only abide the sight of them when we want tin.

For all those puny races who want to be like the Scottish, they never live up to the peculiar mixture of terrifying anger and humour that characterize this people addicted to having chips on their shoulders and having the kind of misanthropy that usually is found amongst the Germans.

We also see a worship of strange garments that seem like deep seated traditions like Kilts (Skirts) being worn among the men folk, this fills the world with envy for some reason as they are dreadfully uncomfortable, why the English don the outfit at weddings is somewhat tacky, as they are chiefly responsible for trying to ethnically cleanse the Scots or atleast the bad dress – dress being a key word – sense of the Scots.

Culture and Philosophies

The First Minister, Salmond The Hutt, examines his countrymen and future appetizers.

Scottish culture mostly consists of hitting each other with different types of sticks, and getting drunk enough to sing their crappy songs. In order to do this they have developed ‘whisky’ a cross between Irn Bru and Heroine. Scottish Philisophy is mostly developed in pubs, unfortunately because of this, not many of the deep insights developed by these great minds outlast the hangover.

Musical Heritage

Scottish music mostly consists of jumping up and down while shouting,so it’s pretty much the same as everywhere else. Some scottish classics include include, ‘Oh Danny boy, why’d ya drop the soap?’ and ‘Jump for you lassies, he’s hung like a claymore’. It’s best enjoyed while drunk, in fact, according to modern research, it’s Only enjoyed while drunk. Many cats were harmed in the making of this culture.

Religion


Conjectured routes for population of Europe by Scottish tramps within three weeks of the nation’s establishment. (inset: worldwide four days later)

Currently Scotland has two religious groups that are known and originate in Glasgow – one is Celtic and one is Rangers; there is a Protestant or Catholic sense to the Football. Basically if you’re Catholic/Celtic and a girl it means that you will satisfy the Scotsman’s need to bugger (See Anal Sex); if on the other hand if you’re a Protestant/Rangers girl you try not to allow this need of sodomy to ever be spoken about. The clergy on both sides however, like the entire country, is dedicated to sodomy and thus a culture of defeat against the Scotsman’s need to bugger is created. I speak frankly of the matter because if you’re some foxy antipodean chick you need to know the truth about us and the religious needs of Scotland.

The other signs of religion you will find are that it provides the basis for Scots to wound, kill or severely injure each other. It also allows for sectarianism which means mindless intimidation of each other. Many submit that the reason why Scotland is such a small place was not the ethnic cleansing or potato famine but the sheer hatred for one another that has led to such a backward and unfortunate present day Scotland.

In many if not all ways, religion binds the nation together with its need to bugger and fight and also to drink, which is validated every Sunday at church where wine is served in yard goblets in Scotland so the Parishioners can get plastered off their faces even on Sunday.

There’re are also other religions in tiny percentages like Islam or ponce religions like Mormonism and Buddhism; members of these religions frequently complain about issues like the right to conceal oneself with towels, or even several Kippahs stuck together. The SNP under Visconti usually panders to these as it makes them look ‘Multi-cultural’ and ‘Open’. This is in no way indicative of the Scots, who are racist by nature, even against their own country.

Scottish Sporting Achievements

And I have to close my eyes

~ Morrissey on Scottish Sports

As a rule Scotland does not succeed in sporting events, as other countries don’t allow the “head butt” or “Hit and Run” tactics that embody Scottish strategy on all matters. There may come a day when the odd fluke is not the only victory – until that day we Scottish hang our heads in a deep shame. Most Scottish people support Manchester Utd. as an act of medieval fealty . Hell, even the Kenyans do it.

Scottish military

It’s simply effing fantastic that we can send those effing Weegies to kick the effing crap out of those effing ragheads!

~ The Queen on the Royal Scots Guards

Currently Scotland has withdrawn its military from active duty of defending Scotland since the English have told them not to. However many of the fine psychopathic Scots ironically fight for the English like the Ghurkas in Nepal or the child soldiers in Africa. The Tartan Army is the main branch of the Scottish army; ever increasing funds go to hiring recruits, usually selected at age five and trained up to high “Scottish” standards.

It has been announced that whilst Gordon Brown has moved English and mutant forces into the “Overlook” position at their bases as he has sent the Scots to “set aboot” the Foreigners to continue the war of terror.

The illness of ‘Scotland’

Typical symptoms of paranoia from Scotland conditions

The illness of Scotland is something that any visitor will begin to feel after spending any time here – conditions such as a debilitating sense of despair and a fear of the outside world or a general sense of paranoia are symptoms; you may also find Chips on your Shoulders. Skin ailments and asthma from the heavily polluted air may occur, and you may also find that you feel the need to shout at people or become a member of an obscure cult like the Wicca cult in that shite seventies documentary on Shetland. If you suffer from one or many of these symptoms it is a sign that you’re suffering from Scotland; Booze is the prescription cure for the condition – repeat as necessary.

The native folk drink vast quantities of Irn Bru to keep them from committing suicide. It is not recommended that newcomers try this as years of physical abuse defend the Scots from feeling the effects of Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars Bars and Pizzas. Should you be a ‘plus size’ American I would still caution against this difficult regime of physical abuse through diet and lifestyle; should you be Polish, I invite you to try it and see if the communist in you can survive it and live to tell the tale – probably not, but that’s not all bad.

Glasgow Women suffering from Scotland

There is also the symptom of Oompah Loompahism in females; a gross physical condition that affects the Scots women – orange skin and heavily died hair and a harsh masculine look. One would think that these terrible mutations are Chavs/Neds affected by Irn Bru and awful home conditions, however they often display a great deal of intelligence and some degree of understanding of the world so rare in Scotland. This symptom of the illness of Scotland primarily affects third generation ‘Pure Native’ Scots and is incurable unless from a responsible woman beater (Scotsman) who can reverse this terrible symptom of Scotland.

Tony Visconti has made his girl group Girls Aloud copy this strange condition to boost Scotland’s fame, yet even these rough lassies cannot emulate the grotesque look that these unfortunate ‘women’ suffer from.

Geology and Natural history


Geology of Scotland within the British Isles before they collided with Ireland.

According to the English and hence the British Geological Survey based down in England with a little office in Edinburgh, the whole of Scotland is composed of a hard acidic, intrusive sedimentary rock called Stornoway. Everything is the same except from Aberdeen where the granite is a silvery colour, Peterhead where it’s pink and Fort William where it’s olive green. Geologists think that Scotland has some of the world’s oldest rocks, these being the Lewisian originating from Na h-Eileanan Siar where everything is old, even the youngest people. This effectively means that everywhere in the world is made of Scotland. Despite this BGS propaganda, the geology of Scotland appears highly complicated due to numerous geologists going mental with their coloured pencils and making it look structurally complex. If you go to Northwest Scotland for example, you may find Gneiss, a rock geologists named because that’s what it looks like; nice. Unlike granite, the gneiss appears all stripy and no matter what geologists try and brainwash you into, they are really still granites, just stripy and multicoloured due to numerous years of primary school art projects over the years. This is because every village in this part of the world has a school, even if only two children live there.

As far as countries go, Scotland has traveled the faarthest. Formerly the W of Gondwanaland, it traveled from the South Pole, across the equator, past the tropics before taking a wrong turn at the Iapetus, allowing Baltica to collide into it to form England. This therefore makes Scotland older than England and far superior. Nowadays, Scotland is beginning to drift slowly northwards. Some debate that this is due to Continental Drift whereas others are firm believers that the SNP is somehow behind this.

The islands of Scotland are much younger than the granite mainland, mainly due to a period of volcanic activity in the Tertiary. During these events when volcanoes were widespread, early settlers were forced to build islands such as Canna and Uist to escape the deadly molten lava using different rocks from around the world that weren’t under lava or water. This makes for interesting geological mapping of this region. These volcanoes are now extinct from the exception of Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh and Ben Nevis.

Did you know…
Scots invented geology in 1876 with the phrase “Oi Jock, see this granite min? Ye no think the equigranular texture o’ this een is slightly different to the porphyritic texture o’ that een?

Scottish Flora and Fauna

Scotland has many well known types of wildlife which are below and also a variety of orange birds and emos, which may also be orange; possibly one may even see the rare 40 year old Goth near extinction in Scotland:

Drug Addicts

This is by far the most prevalent animal in Scotland. They prowl endlessly, barking in the streets and are accused of draining Scotland’s economy. Alex Salmond has requested Parliament authorise a cull of these creatures, however Europe (typical) has not allowed the motion. The over-breeding of these creatures is no doubt the cause of much of the urban decay throughout Scotland.

A Scottish Public Toilet

Alcoholics and Hobos are also of the same Genus, however they tend to look better and are largely unable to talk or communicate with others, The Drug Addict of Scotland, on the other hand, has been to a fine Scottish University and is able to communicate between fixes and possibly during fixes, although no conclusive study has been made as the research students fled when the screaming/barking started.

Their main hideouts include toilets and generally the street where deals can proceed openly, as the Police are usually arresting 10 year olds for possession of knives and, more often than not, pump action shotguns.

Tony Visconti says the casualties are acceptable as there’s plenty of money going into other things like Haggis factories and English run Whisky factories; therefore no need to square up to the junkies and dealers, after all “they keep the economy afloat”

The Loch Ness Monster

The inconclusive photographic evidence that persuaded the world.

Common to the lochs of Scotland for many years has been the Nessie or Loch Ness Monster, a shy and retiring creature which only comes into public a few times a year when the smell of American Dollars is carried on the wind from tourist resorts. The monster eats only American Dollars and Euros, although it is also pleased to accept most major credit cards. Frequent visitors to Scotland can elect to feed the monster by Direct Debit, and make savings of up to £14 (pounds) a year.

Prior to its flotation on the stock market, the monster was for many years mistaken for the towering mobile eye of a Martian War Machine, and caused the regular evacuation of villages — not to mention a number of unintelligible and threatening phone calls to Hollywood star Gene Barry.

Eventually the local council was given a briefing as to the difference between Fantasy and Reality. An ancient exploitate cynica capitale ritual followed in which the Scots pledged themselves to guard and exploit the monster for as much as it was worth, for the rest of their natural lives. It is estimated that the monster’s annual contribution to the Scottish economy is equivalent to the sale of forty million tartan dollies in plastic tubes.

However, Scottish Bag-of-Spanners Susan Boyle tells a very different story!!

Haggis


The naional foods of Scotland are the sausage and the bagpipe. Haggis is a sausage cooked in a bagpipe. Haggis is named for the animal from whence it comes; a small furred mammal called the Wild Haggis, with two legs shorter than the other to allow for running in circles around the hills on which they live. Haggis is rarely eaten outside Scotland because it contains a powerful cocktail of neurotoxins, hallucinogens and aphrodisiacs that only those of Scottish descent could hope to survive.

Stalkers

Typical Stalker on Byers Road, Glasgow, the ‘Nice part of Town’

This creature is usually found amongst “Middle Class” Scots who have reverted into strange existentially obsessed hobos, they prowl the streets trying to resurrect God and find more booze, often they are found in one of the many fine drinking establishments in Scotland reading a quality broadsheet (the Guardian) or bizarrely living on the streets as if they are beggars but are in fact from reasonably good homes.

Stalkers comprise a large chunk of the Scottish population and can be seen throughout Scotland with that lost dog look on their faces and a request for twenty pence. Stalkers can often be spotted by a vigilant wildlife spotter heading for the ‘Zone’, also called the off license in other places or can be seen raising money to go visit the “Zone” selling the Big Issue.

Many submit to the idea that the Stalkers are spies from outer space who need questionable illegal substances to breathe or that they are the next phase in evolution or mutations to an inferior species of humanity, or even that they are a lame stereotype from a lame seventies Sci Fi film; the future will tell what these Stalkers are on the Planet for, if anything.

White Settlers


Typical ‘White Settlers’

A new and diverse type of people are coming to Scotland claiming to feel the ‘Celt in them’ and are coming up to the Highlands to enjoy the life sapping weather and mind numbing boredom that characterise the region. I speak of course of the English, who having over-bred and ruined their country seek to come up to Scotland and recreate the hell they came from.

They plant their pathetic seeds and hope something will grow and idly make light of the weather knowing that they will ultimately have to return to their own ruined land or similar events of The Shining will surely occur in the wilderness that is the Highlands. The English go stir crazy up there without the mind suppressants and Prozac contained in Irn Bru. Usually, these White Settlers rent out their ‘renovated’ homes after six months at exorbitant prices to disenfranchised locals.

Alex Salmond has encouraged this as he hopes that the economy will benefit from the ‘development of the region by screwing the English for their money’.

Places in Scotland

It’s amazing how many cuntish places there are in such a sparsely populated and illiterate country

~ Oscar Wilde on Places in Scotland

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