Writer's Caffe

December 14, 2009

Make A Metal Song

Filed under: Music — amerkaj @ 3:46 pm
Tags: , , ,

HowTo:Make A Metal Song

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This is NOT a heavy metal band

What a load of shit.

~ Oscar Wilde on Heavy metal music

There's more music in a Billy Goat shitting in a tin can!

~ Old people on Heavy metal and Goats shitting in a billy can

I'm too tough to let this article offend me!!

~ Metal Head on this article

What a load of bullocks.

~ The Sex Pistols on Heavy metal music

I'm not smart enough to let this article offend me!!

~ Another Metal Head on this article

So you’re in a heavy metal band and want to create a heavy metal song? Well you’ve come to the wrong place – as you see, heavy metal songs require no talent to make. Heavy metal music is just a guitar, bass and drums playing as loud as possible with a loud, deep, scary voice just yelling over the top.

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Step 1: Getting A Band Together

So you have decided to fill this world with just a litlle bit more hate and crap music? well creating a metal band is a great way to make new friends! (but mostly enemies). first your going to have to find yourself some band members, dont worry too much about their talent or music knowledge this is one genre you dont have to worry about those things! members of metal band usually fits into these catagoreys:

This is what you are looking for. Note: the coolness
  • The Quiet artistic one who plots a mass shooting
  • The bald one with the orange beard
  • The one with 2 brain cells and is only in the group because of his ability to scream and kick the shit out of people
  • The short skinny one that can kinda sing, but really cannot but leave him alone cause that just shows how deep he is!!!
  • The one with really festy hair
  • The sexual maniac
  • The Woman

Step 2: Choosing your Genre

Thid style of music is reknown for having over 50 dirent genres that sound the same here are a few to get a basic idea, it is important that you choose a genre that you feel comfortable with (another popular idea is to claim to be another genre other then metal like say Psycadelic Rock, but really not being like that genre at all. a good example being the band Tool):

  • Gay
  • Knida Gay
  • Black metal
  • Kinda Black Metal
  • Screamo metal
  • Gothic Metal
  • bloody screamo black metal

Step 3: Create a name for your song

First of all, you must make a name for your song. Most heavy metal bands will just choose some sick name for their songs (eg. Cum Is Yum, Bloody Face, Chainsaw In The Cunt, Anal Bleeding, I Cum On Your Grave). generally people in a heavy metal band have a low IQ so we could not think up any names so learn from the experts:

File:Chain saw in the cunt.gif

Once you choosen that, you must make the lyrics.

Step 4: Making the lyrics

When creating lyrics, the aim is make them at the least musically possible. This can be done by repeating the name of your song into the microphone very loudly. But who really cares? You could just say anything into the microphone very loudly and no-one would understand you, everyone is just listening to the loud noise anyway.

Example of heavy metal lyrics:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAbAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYEAH!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Any questions? good, now let’s move on.

Step 5: Make a loud noise

Ok, so now you’ve come up with lyrics and now you need some loud, shitty noise behind you. First of all, make sure the Guitar is on as loud as it can go then turn distortion on, now play a really simple power cord on the lowest string you can (commonly referred to as power chord E5) contrasting it with a very high sreching solo. Then, with the Bass, turn it up to full volume as well, but instead of putting distortion on, just hit the top string as hard as you can at any speed you want. And finally, Drums, it’s quite simple really, just hit as many drums as you can as fast and loud as you can.

Step 6: The form of a Metal Song

After listening to a few metal songs you will find that they genraly follow the same form this form is the: Soft – Build – Scream – Rinse and Repeate method, we surgest this method if you would like to attract a emale audience alternativly you gan just use the Scream Method

Step 7: Play your piece of shit song

Now you just get a gig and make everyone listen to your awful music. It’s simple!

After that, your band will be as cool as these guys!

List of Heavy metal bands

Here are a list of bands just as shit as yours:

Judas Priest

Iron Maiden

Fisted Bleeding Cunt

Black Sabbath

Ozzy Osbourne

I cum blood into the devils arse hole

Alice Cooper

Rage Against The Machine

Metallica

Torso Rape

Megadeth

Avenged Sevenfold

Slayer

Nine Inch Nails

Weaaaaaarrrrrrrghhhhhhh

Nekrophilia

Nekropedia

Cannibalysm is Grrrrrrreatttt

Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell

The Bob Doles

The Osmonds

Pantera

List of not Heavy metal bands

Here are a list of bands that you will never be as good as:

The Beatles

Pink Floyd

Led Zeppelin

Deep Purple

Slipknot

The Doors

Rolling Stones

Guns N’ Roses

Jimmi Hendrix

N’Sync

Enough Z’Nuff

See Also

  • Heavy Metal
  • ARGH! My Ears!
  • Deafness
  • Shit
  • Guitar
  • Bass
  • Drums
the witer of tis aticl is a 2yr old.
plese help fix all the speeling mistkaes!
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