Writer's Caffe

December 11, 2009


Filed under: Music — amerkaj @ 11:21 am
Tags: , , , ,


A typical rapper in performance while exposing his bling gold teeth. Note the lack of brain cells which resulted in the elimination of frontal, parietal, temporal and occipital portions of the skull through evolution

Music is like candy, you have to throw away all the rappers.

~ Oscar Wilde on Rap

I got no snare in my headphones.

~ Eminem on Rap

Kids listen to da rap music which gives them da brain damage.

~ Bill Cosby on Rap

Yo we deep in this rap game, you feelin me homie? Arrgh dont feel me nigga!

~ Mobb Deep on rap

Run girl, I'm tryn'na get your pussy wet / Work that, lemme see you drip sweat

~ David Banner on not knowing how a vagina works

Retards Attempting Poetry (also knwon as Rap) is a genre of music (appearently), that is centered around the essential musical concepts of syncopated rhythm and gettin’ jiggy wit da ladieez and sh*t. Once the exclusive preserve of the Vienna Concert House, rap is now just beginning to be understood and accepted by the vast majority of wealthy skinny white kids in suburban bedrooms who spend hours pouring over the “beautiful poetry” of rap by candlelight. Rap is unique in being the only form of music centered around the key of missing C (cRap).



Snoop Dogg and hiz tizzle of corporate sponsizzles hold a prizzle confizzle in an attizzle to bring back the Pippi Longstockizzle fashizzle and dispizzle rumors that the Dogg hizzle sold out, umm… izzle.

The roots of rap can be traced way back to the lovely poetry often rehearsed by 19th century composers, particularly by Gustav Mahler. Gustav invented rap in the 1890s, while he was allegedly “trippin on shrooms”. He overdosed on the medicinal drugs, and fell into a black coma. He was soon transported to another realm of light and magic, of life and death, which was in fact a hospital, where he was put on life support. While recovering in the hospital, Mahler claims he received rap-like revelation from God.

It vas musik, but visout ze musik – zat vas ze zing” wrote Mahler in one of his journals …. “Up until now, all of ze musiks haf been in some sort of key, but zis new musikal invention off mine is mitout any key. It is musik in ze key of missing C. And in conseqvence of zis I shall call it C-Rap.

The new C-Rap music caught on like a storm all across Vienna. A contemporary of Mahler’s described it as like being music distilled from the tears of little children and dustbin lids. Even today a rap tune can bring tears to the eyes.

The C-Rap name was later truncated to just “ap”, then to “p” and finally to ” ” before people realized that the whole truncation thing was getting out of hand and re-cated the name to “Rap”.

One of Mahlers early compositions went like this:

We are islands in the darkness, doomed like aged trees to fall and die in the blazing sun, YO! INNIT NIGGA!

Unfortunately, after Mahler’s untimely demise, rap music sadly fell almost completely into obscurity. The music was outlawed in many countries, and it was only practiced illegally in underground strip clubs. Rap seemed to be fading, but soon it would be revived in a major way.

A long time later, Snoop Doggy Dog was sent to the same hospital after damaging a paw in a shootout, sending him into a similar coma. As if by osmosis, but in fact, because of a mixture of heavy drugs and lightning, Snoop miraculously recovered. He sprinted back to his crib and dashed off some C-Rap in the back of a limo. Six days and eighty-three glasses of Gin and Juice later, he finally got a whole tune done. The exact second the music was officially invented, the crime rate increased by 348%, as did Mr. Doggy Dog’s royalties. This trend continues to grow annually. After the “invention” Snoop prepared to introduce the music to the masses by holding a rap battle at the local KFC. It was a major success, and word of the new music began to spread to many other notable black people such as: Tupac Shakur, 50 Cent, Run-D.M.C., Kobe Bryant, and Fred Durst.

The First Rap Show

The first time a rap show was held was in 1990 at a Violence Prevention Clinic in downtown Los Angeles. Featured rappers included Snoop and Mike Jones. The concert was held for free, once again proving how generous and selfless most rappers are. The concert was an immense success and raised nearly twenty million dollars, which Snoop subsequently donated to a local police precinct. Fans in attendance left the show raving about the new sound, influenced by Snoop, and perhaps the marijuana that the rappers had shot from the amps into the crowd. In any case, the first rap concert helped to further the already fast-growing genre of rap.

The Modern Concept Of “Rap”

Two rappers backstage before a show.

Once introduced to the mainstream, rap music gained much popularity and notoriety. It soon became an important part of modern-day music, especially in Dirty Souff communities, such as the ATL. Today, rap music is produced in an amazingly simple fashion. All one needs to be a rapper is a record studio, and a voice (not always necessary). To be a rapper one also must be a true gangsta, meaning that they’ve killed at least eleven people in the last month, along with being extremely poor and drug-addicted. Rappers then create a beat, and say the same set of nonsensically rhyming words over and over continuously. A beat can usually be created by recording the sound of someone whistling, clapping, and breathing simultaneously. A common requirement of being a rapper is being black, however certain people have been able to cheat the system.

Being a rapper ranked third in the 2006 edition of Forbes magazine’s 16,272 easiest careers. However, contrary to this, it has been well-documented that indeed Pimpin’ ain’t easy. This issue continues to be debated by many leading scholars.

The Life Of A Rapper

G-DUB Bizzush, a famous rapper.

A rapper’s life consists of five basic activities: rappin, pimpin, drinkin, smokin, and the less-known fishin. In fact, a rapper has never been seen when not engaging in one of these activities, even while sleeping. Much like the legend surrounding pirates, rappers are known to bury their bling in obscure locations so nobody can ever find it and take their spinnin rims. To survive rappers have three basic needs: hoards of white women, guns, and drugs/hard liquor. Without any of these necessities, rappers could not live for more than four seconds. Although rappers also are typically known for lots of money, fancy cars, and pimped out cribs, these are not necessities, they simply give the rappers “street cred” in their respective hoods or ghettos. All rappers die in their late 20s from getting shot by another rapper or AIDS. When a rapper is killed, the killer is usually never found because nobody cares about rappers.

Types Of Rap

  • Freestyle – This is a rap which is claimed to be made up on the spot, but is in fact written and rehearsed for several months beforehand.
  • Battle – See above, except that two rappers compete in this way.
  • Song – A rap “song” actually includes no singing, but has a beat and rhyming random words.
  • Gangsta – Raps about bitches, clubs, ho’s, gats, drugs, ghettos, your mom and words ending in izzle.
  • Old Skool – The “good” kind of rap. Strangely enough, it bears little similarities to modern (pure?) rap music in terms of lyrics and often includes attempts at singing outside of the chorus by members of the actual band. Proceed with caution.
  • Garage – Random words are spat from the mouth of about 19 british chavs at 9,000,000,000 BPM. Famous artists include The goose egg Crew, The goose egg Crew, and The goose egg Crew.
  • Baile Funk – The same as gangsta, but performed in clubs in Brazilian slums to a crowd of gun-wielding, cocaine-dealing teenagers.
  • Crunk – Crunk raps often have a retarded dance to accompany them, which often becomes a fad among hip-hop loving 13 year olds who wish they were black and cry whilst wanking to their Soulja Boy poster.


Here is an example of a freestyle rap: Yo, yeah, uh, I’m feelin dis shit. Yeah, uh, yo, listen up…

You’s a dumb bitch, nigga
I’m so rich, nigga
Here’s my money, nigga
The weather is sunny, nigga
Im’ma cap yo ass, nigga
don’t crap in the grass, nigga
With my gun, nigga
Just for fun, nigga
Yo momma is fat, nigga
And here’s my gat!!
File:Rap star.gif

NOTE: On the line “here’s my gat,” rapper should pull out a gun, and shoot all bystanders.

Freestyle at its finest.

Rap’s Influence

50 Cent takes a break from promoting gang violence and poor grammar to give us a rare peak inside the mind of a true genius.

Rap music has reached far and wide, influencing many people to change their lives, although usually for the worse. The lifestyle of rappers continues to be widely emulated, especially by affluent white adolescent males.

Many rappers believe that these wannabes are “wiggers” or “posers,” and discourage following rappers as role models. A wigger is generally described as “A white person attempting to imitate a black rapper’s style.” Wiggers are often seen flashing gang symbols in a pathetic attempt to be gangsta. It is easy to tell a wigger from a true gangsta, as a true gangsta will have at least thirty bullet wounds clearly visible on his body; a wigger will typically not have even one single gunshot wound. In fact, some wiggers might not even carry or own a firearm! What lowlife posers.

There have been many positive and negative aspects of rap. Positive aspects include:

  • A new genre of music
  • uh…ummm…also….

Anyway, negative aspects have been:

  • The increase in crime rates
  • the over-consumption of drugs and alcohol
  • the wiggerization of society

Overall, rap music is likely a sign of the Apocalypse occurring in the near future.

Rap as a Torture Device

Among Rubix cubes and anime, Rap music is a form of torture which was embraced by Nazis in WWII. Such information can’t be confirmed as none survived, but the smarter ones of society noticed the victims brain tissue disintegrating and put two and two together. The answer, 5, was the estimated amount of listening seconds required for the fatality.

Famous Rappers

Rap has become a criminal dominating force in mainstream music, pushing aside beloved genres such as jazz fusion, polka and minimalist ambient opera, relegating them to the well-mannered sidelines of National Public Radio. Today as many as 87% of all musicians self-identify as Rappers, give or take a 4% margin of error due to surprise drive-bys, the LAPD and Whitney Houston. Below are famous rappers presented in order of most bling to least crunk, or was it most commercial endorsement deals to least number of bullet wounds? Word:


  • 50 Cent
  • Gay-Z
  • Run-D.M.C.
  • Ol’ Dirty Bastard
  • Nas
  • Jesse Jackson
  • Horsedick.mpeg
  • Kokayne Pete and the Meth Hounds
  • Andre Nickatina
  • Skee-Unit
  • Fat Joe
  • Biggles Smallish


  • Snoop Dogg
  • Hot Dogg
  • Ice-T
  • Ice Cube
  • Ice Cream
  • Vanilla Ice
  • Niccolo Machiavelli
  • Robin Thicke
  • Mr.T


  • Eminem
  • Kanye West

Dirty Dirty:

  • Lil Jon
  • Mike Jones
  • UGK
  • Ten Inch Player
  • Lil Wayne
  • Officer Ricky
  • Shawty Hoe
  • Gucci Man
  • Emmanuel aka K.I.D.


  • DJ Celine Dion
  • MC Lamchop
  • Abu Hamza

Four enthusiastic shadow puppeteers, only a second after the sheet accidentally fell down during their performance of “Birds”.



Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 10:23 am
Tags: , , , , , ,


Did you know…
that Africa is God’s blindspot?

Africa sad.

The only thing positive about Africa is HIV.

~ Oscar Wilde on Africa

No surprise people evolved and moved out!

~ Charles Darwin on Africa

Africa is not actually a country, but a continent. It is widely agreed to be Earth’s shittiest continent, in more ways than one. For one thing, most of the land is wracked with hunger, poverty, disease, genocide, giant bugs, giant apes and hopelessness. Also, it is caked in feces. Not a pleasant place to be, all things considered. It’s got exotic animals though. Suh-weet!



If colonial Africa had been a plate, it would’ve looked like this. Without the abundant food, of course.

By comparison, if precolonial Africa had been a plate, it would’ve looked like this. With some more fruit, of course.

The continent of Africa was first formed many many moons ago. Exactly how many moons ago is not important unless you’re studying geology, and since you are currently browsing Uncyclopedia, I think it’s safe to rule that one out.

Africa is notable in that it is the original homeland of the human species. Keep in mind that this is the consensus reached by the scientific community only. Fundamentalists for some reason do not like the idea that Adam and Eve were Africans. Charming lot, those fundamentalists.

Back at the dawn of humanity, Africa was a harsh yet beautiful land. The climate was comfortable, the Sahara was a vast grassland, and the animals were not nearly as vicious as they could have been. Gotta look for the silver lining in these things. Africa was also home to the first human civilizations, including the Egyptians and the various tribes of the West Coast. No, not California. Africa. Stay focused. Things aren’t always about America, you know.

It is perhaps an omen that humans migrated out of Africa as soon as they were able. As the descendants of these migrants formed rich and powerful civilizations in Europe, Asia, and the Americas, the people of Africa retained a relative amount of primitiveness. Maybe it was the heat. Heat does make you lethargic, after all.

The African people paid for their technological tardiness when the White Man arrived just after the Middle Ages. Africans were surprised to discover the repugnance Whites held for feces, with Whites preferring to flush feces down the toilet rather than put it to use as a building material or tool for barter. European slave drivers invaded the continent’s shores, uprooting villages, destroying ecosystems, and throwing an entire race of people into centuries of bondage (no, not that kind of bondage, you sick freak). Just think of it as the moment Africa “jumped the shark,” so to speak.

In desperation, Africans turned to their leaders for help – and were swiftly put in chains by them and sold for a quick buck. Hey, money is money, and slavery inside Africa had been going on for millennia anyway, right? Right. Now we shall not speak of this again.

As time progressed, Africa was gradually liberated from the shackles of European oppression, for reasons ranging from British overlords benevolently handing over power as a just reward for exceptional service to the empire, to French dictators tiring of the badonkadonk and choosing to focus instead on children, to German masters stripping the land of all usable resources and, out of boredom, seeing what would happen if they turned loose their uneducated, angry, and sexually promiscuous subjects onto one another with no competent leadership or direction whatsoever — the latter of which eventually progressed into the longest running joke in the history of affluent white people.

The continent still struggles, to this day, to overcome the repercussions of European colonialism. Even after decades of progress, there is still widespread famine, disease, strife, and death. But hey, you can’t blame their corrupt leaders for not trying, right? Right? Well, maybe you can.


Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Nothing?

The money raised during the 1985 fundraiser “USA for Africa” benefited wildlife especially.

Don't cancel Africa's debts - consolidate them into one affordable monthly payment!

~ The World Bank on Africa

The African economy is referred to as “fecal-fiscal”. This is because most African nations’ currencies are “worth shit”. Feces has played an important role in African history. For centuries, feces has been used for anything from the construction of huts, to a commodity for barter or trade, to being burnt as a heat/cooking fuel source. In fact, it is also the staple food of the land. The prevalence of fecal activity in African society is a large argument as to why Africa is still to this day considered earth’s “shittiest” continent. Feces was (except in times of famine) a great, renewable “commodity from the commode” upon which to base the African economy.

Summary of some better-known African economic models:

  • Saharan Africa: It has, like, two people per square mile. There is no economy. At all. None.
  • Egypt: Mainly trinket-based, with a side of thievery and a sprinkling of bombs. By the way, would you like to buy this wonderful artifact stolen directly from an ancient tomb?
  • Congo (Both DRC and RC): Drugs, plus revenue from infecting people with jungle rot and ransoming them for the cure. Also blood diamonds thanks to colonials and posh-speaking Poms. Also, selling videos of the violence to horror film producers.
  • East Africa: Safaris. Nothing else matters here.
  • Zimbabwe: A 50 trillion zimbabwean dollars economy (translates to USD 21,99). But if you do not count the piracy, this value decreases to 5,50 zimbabwean dollars. Turns out Zimbabwe’s debt is somewhere around 200% of their actual economy…nice try though.
  • Somalia: A single $10 bill. Unfortunately it is too crumpled to be accepted by the nation’s thousands of well-stocked vending machines. Recently they have discovered the art of piracy, hoping to add another $10 bill towards the countries rising economy.
  • South Africa: Great. Unless you count the AIDS.
  • Kenya: The only known exporter of Lions and Tigers. A recent poll revealed that Kenya remains on the map due only to the song.

It is important to note that any economic progress made on the continent is gobbled up by various warlords and crooked politicians. You think you get mad when you hear that millions are spent to build an Alaskan “bridge to nowhere”? In Africa, that same sum is spent daily to ensure that the local warlord’s boots stay clean enough for his thugs to eat off of. That is, if the thugs had food or even boots, of course, which they don’t. All they have is tusks, as, thanks to the efforts of Dr. Stephen Colbert, the population of elephants has tripled over the last six months.

Incidentally, UNICEF has found that all of the food and money donations to Africa so far have been going to this one really fat kid.


A map depicting an unusually intelligent American’s conception of Africa.
  • Out of Africa (movie)
  • Asylum seekers
  • Email Scams (Mostly Nigeria)
  • Drug crime
  • Knife crime
  • French footballers
  • Violent criminals
  • Novelty “Zulu tribesman” souvenirs
  • Madagascar (the movie)
  • Africa (song)
  • Braided hair
  • Black People
  • Ebola
  • Malaria
  • Feces
  • Ivory
  • Conflict Diamonds
  • Hurricanes
  • The cool things about the French Foreign Legion
  • AIDS
  • Apos’trophes t’hat s’erve no’ purpo’se
  • Chests filled with inherited cash
  • Dirt
  • Crime
  • Gang rape
  • Slaves
  • Orphans
  • Hilarious zoophilia videos
  • Tarzan
  • Parasites
  • Bad smells
  • All-male athletic teams
  • Gruesome news stories
  • Hippopotamuses
  • The horror… the horror…
  • Chris Brown, a hypothetical creature made of genes extracted from the AIDS virus.


What’s that? You don’t agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe’s official policies?
You’re trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren’t you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!



The Ambassador of Hakuna and the State Councilor of Matata travel to the United Nations Conference in Bawin-Baway.

African culture is rich and varied, with a strong oral tradition and a wealth of artistic treasures. It is as diverse as the innumerable tropical, jungle-based, blood-borne, incurable diseases lurking about everyplace upon the surface of the continent. Of course, very few good things in Africa come without a price. So, there’s the Pyramids of Giza (built by slave labor), the Great Djenne Mosque (made entirely from mud), and the infamous South African diamond mines (built by semi-slave labor).

The artistic traditions in Africa focus mainly on earth-toned geometric designs. This is mainly because there is precious little subject matter in Africa fit for painting, drawing, and weaving. If Norman Rockwell lived in Africa, he would be an unhappy man. So would just about anyone.

Africa also enjoys a diverse tapestry of religions. There’s Islam, Radical Islam, Fundamentalist Islam, Conservative Islam, Moderate Islam, Shiite Islam, Sunni Islam, and various tribal beliefs (who in a few years will surely convert to Islam). Ancient Egyptian mythology, while no longer seriously believed in, is still ripe for making bad Mummy sequels. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a “voodoo” religion in Africa. It’s called “hoodoo”, and trust me, you don’t want to piss those people off.

The majority of American youth enjoy Africa’s exotic culture. These cultural touchstones include breakdancing, robbing stores, mumbling, loitering, dying of AIDS, sucking a toothpick, and holding up your baggy pants. The most popular African export is rap music. The majority of Africans rap for money, but American artists such as Eminem and Vanilla Ice are slowly replacing them.

Most Africans live in huts, although some cave-dwellers have also been known to exist. Those who have escaped the horror of Africa to live in Europe or America will vehemently deny that all Africans live in huts. However, this is just a ruse to try to get you to think better of them. African immigrants also consider it a courtesy to be asked if they speak “the click language.” Also, all African students ride some form of wild animal to school. Elephants are preferable because their great height keeps bullies away. Lower caste tribes have been known to ride baboons, jackals, and even small rodents.

In contrast to the rest of their culture, their language is not varied. They only have one language, Afrikaans, which only has clicky things and no other letters.


A map depicting a more typical American’s conception of Africa.

Africa is, in fact, incontinent — erm, a continent — but pseudo-Texans like George W Bush think it’s a country. To the average American, Africa has only four countries: Egypt, Morocco, South Africa and The Lion King. And if you have an email account, perhaps Nigeria. A movie nut? Madagascar and Kenya, and maybe Zimbabwe. But that’s pushing it. Of course, Americans also think that all Africans are tribesmen who live in grass huts, which actually isn’t too far from the truth.

Don’t get me wrong, Africa does have its share of cities. It’s just that they’re filled with slums, crime, feces and barbed wire. Cairo, Mombasa, Johannesburg, Nairobi, Lagos… sure, they put on a friendly face for the tourists, but get past that cheerful, sunny exterior and you find a cesspool of human failure, strife, and misery. But hey, they’ve got monkeys!

Off the east coast of Africa lies the island of Madagascar. Don’t let the movie fool you. This is not a carefree paradise full of friendly and eccentric lemurs. Well, the lemurs are true, but they’re not friendly. Neither are the insects, nor the flesh-eating diseases they carry. Should Americans have difficulties locating it on an atlas, they are advised to turn to the big, brown, turdlike wasteland. That is, of course, if they own an atlas, or if they know what an atlas is.

Like islands you’ve never heard of? Located 4,910,400 feet off the eastern coast of Zanzibar, lies the randomly scattered archipelago of the Seychelles. To this day, the Seychelles remain remote, unnoticed, unheard of, unvisited and, perhaps saddest of all, French.

Still lost? Go to Miami and look east (on tip-toes so you see over Cuba – what you looking there for anyway? (You know it’s banned!). See that big lump? That’s Africa, and Madagascar is on the far side. You can step down, now.

Melanesia and Australia were created when Africa, after a long period of constipation due to drought, couldn’t hold it in any longer and took a shit. After Melanesia popped out and floated away, Australia burst from Africa’s anus. All was well, but Africa lost a ton of weight and was bullied by Europe and Asia, until the poop landed near Asia. Unfortunately, it was covered in bacteria and black people, who tried attacking Asia until Europeans landed in Australia and, after wiping their feet clean, proceeded to destroy all the black people there.


There is a small and remote chance, though not proven in any way, that the god Odin redundantly created the known universe using vi. The story that tells the story was found on a scroll in central Africa.

Pro and Cons

Before travelling to Africa, one should carefully weigh the pro and cons of the trip. Consider this:


  • It’s nice and sunny
    most of the time,
    and they’ve got monkeys!

  • Widespread famine
  • Lacks fresh salmon
  • Eventually… Armageddon
  • Rampant crime
  • Dirt and grime
  • E-mail scams
  • Traffic jams
  • Broken dams
  • Spy cams
  • Poisoned hams
  • Robert Mugabe
  • The Congo army
  • Hopeless poverty
  • No real sovereignty
  • Worthless money
  • Killer bee honey
  • Runny shits
  • Sweaty pits
  • Spiders big as fists
  • “Gorillas in the Mist”
  • Shag carpets
  • Black markets
  • Broken baskets
  • Flimsy caskets
  • Unpaid debts
  • Clammy sweats
  • Desperate migrations
  • The world’s poorest nations
  • Canceled flights
  • Bug bites
  • Itchy mites
  • Faulty lights
  • Freezing nights
  • Parasites
  • Dust mites
  • Lost kites
  • [Monsoon|Torrential rains]]
  • Backed-up drains
  • Tardy trains
  • Hideous stains
  • Rebel fleets
  • Gangster streets
  • Sweltering heat
  • “Bushmeat”
  • Dehydration
  • Desertification
  • Hyperinflation
  • A lost generation
  • Political corruption
  • Commercial interruption
  • Genocide
  • Ecocide
  • Homicide
  • Regicide
  • Toxic water
  • Getting hotter
  • Kidnapped daughters
  • Village slaughters
  • Bad smells
  • Hells Bells
  • Bomb shells
  • Prison cells
  • Hostile scouts
  • Broken routes
  • Drought
  • Gout
  • Malaria
  • Hysteria
  • Extremist sharia
  • Disaster area
  • Tuberculosis
  • Mononucleosis
  • Halitosis
  • Acidosis
  • Atrocities
  • Bureaucracies
  • Entrenched kleptocracies
  • Radical theocracies
  • Weapons caches
  • Airplane crashes
  • Ethnic clashes
  • Itchy rashes
  • Straw huts
  • Mangy mutts
  • Infected cuts
  • Rapacious sluts
  • Dead People
  • Poor people
  • Black people
  • White people
  • Unburied dead
  • Rivers run red
  • Decapitated head
  • Roaches in your bed
  • Somali “government”
  • Female torment
  • Drugs
  • Thugs
  • Bugs
  • Slugs
  • Rip-off rugs, sold to mugs
  • Tour buses with faulty brakes
  • Embarrassing tour guide mistakes
  • Stagnant lakes
  • Antique fakes
  • Poison snakes
  • Huge headaches
  • Toothaches
  • Back aches
  • Stomachaches
  • Earthquakes
  • Amputees
  • Killer bees
  • Wild disease
  • Stolen keys
  • Mean monkeys (called gorillas)
  • Mean humans (called guerrillas)
  • Anguished moans
  • Broken phones
  • Voodoo crones
  • Piles of bones
  • Yellow fever
  • Jungle fever
  • Cabin fever
  • Disco fever
  • Rickety roads
  • Poison toads
  • Immoral goads
  • Your bus explodes
  • Abused women
  • Rotten lemon
  • Abused children
  • Lots o’ killin’
  • Abused men
  • Atrocities again
  • Apes
  • Rapes
  • Apes that rape
  • Rape of apes
  • Porous drapes
  • Poisonous grapes
  • Biohazard warning tape
  • Homicidal dudes escape
  • Botulism
  • Barbarism
  • Feminism
  • Communism
  • Creationism
  • Socialism
  • Cynicism
  • Terrorism
  • Fatalism
  • Dictatorship
  • Drug Ship
  • Gunship
  • Hardship
  • Meth
  • Death
  • Warring tribes
  • Shameless bribes
  • Thieving maids
  • High top fades
  • Super AIDS
  • Army raids
  • Stagnant glades
  • Razor blades
  • Woven braids
  • Frag grenades
  • Stupidity
  • Malignancy
  • Homosexuality
  • Teen Pregnancy
  • Also, did I mention the AIDS?

Plus, the monkeys all have rabies. (And of course AIDS)


Africa sucks. Even fucking Cambodia comes off looking better by comparison. After reading about this dank shit-hole, it’s normal to feel depressed. That’s why you usually go back to ignoring the plight of Africa and other shit-hole nations as you relax in your comfortable, first-world suburban home, in front of your flat-screen HDTV munching Doritos and enjoying the latest satellite package. You make me sick.


Filed under: Myths — amerkaj @ 10:08 am
Tags: , , , ,


The Teletubbies celebrate after defeating rivals USC 13-10

The Teletubbies, also known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (and “Satan’s Little Cousins” to their frustrated rivals), led Notre Dame to two football National Championships between 1920 and 1924. The four were all dominant figures in their respective positions in the back-field, crushing each opponent mightily. After the perfect 1924 season, they became legends not only of Notre Dame, but of the entire United States. Notre Dame had lost only two games combined in the 1922 and 1923 seasons. Both loses came against the Nebraska Cornhuskers in Lincoln before packed houses.


Tinky “Winky” Stuhldreher

Tinky “Winky” was the quarterback of the team. He led the nation in passing all four years that he started. He threw a record 135 career touchdowns, earning him a Purple Heart (later rescinded after discovering that he was not actually in Los Angeles for his alleged 5-touchdown performance against UCLA). Stuhldreher, a 5-7, 151-pounder from Massillon, Ohio, was a self-assured leader who not only could throw accurately but also returned punts and proved a solid blocker. He emerged as the starting signal caller four games into his sophomore season in 1922. He was often labeled cocky, feisty and ambitious, but his field generalship was unmatched. Purple was Stuhldreher’s favorite colour and he wore purple shorts under his uniform for all 40 games he started. He often appeared in public with a cow-pattern bag filled with junk. This made the public suspect an alternative lifestyle, which led to him falling into a state of psychosis in which after he graduated he ran around aimlessly, often exclaiming “There’s a frickin’ baby in the sun!!!”. During one game, Tinky Winky was suspended for yelling “I got a gun! I got a gun!” However, Winky claimed that he actually said “I gotta have fun, I gotta have fun.” Stuhldreher was the head football coach for 11 years at Villanova, then became athletic director and football coach at Wisconsin. He died in 1950 after overdosing on marshmallow peeps.

Elmer “Dipsy” Layden

Dipsy, so called for how he made defenders feel after a crushing block, was the fullback who led the way on many option plays to touchdowns. The fastest of the quartet, he became the Irish defensive star with his timely interceptions and also handled the punting chores. The 6-foot, 162-pounder from Davenport, Iowa boasted 4-second speed in the 40-yard dash. He didn’t carry the ball often, but rather preferred the violence of blocking. He critically injured a record 15 people against Syracuse (charges were dropped). Fond of rabbits, he often became distracted at practices when he began chasing rabbits that often infested the field randomly. Layden coached at his alma mater for seven years and compiled a 48-14-1 record. He also served as athletic director at Notre Dame. After a business career in Chicago, Layden died in 1973 at the age of 70 from a combination of stupidity and AIDS.

Jim “Laalaa” Crowley

Crowley, who came to Notre Dame in 1921 from Green Bay, Wisconsin, stood 5-11 and weighed 162 pounds. Known as “Laa-Laa” for his tendency to hum spunky tunes in the huddle, Crowley outmaneuvered many a defender with his clever, shifty ballcarrying. He was the halfback who split time with Don “Po” Miller. Oftentimes, all four horsemen were on the same field for the T-bone formation, but usually it was Crowley who got the call on these plays. Compiling 1,000 yards for all four seasons, Crowley was coveted by NFL teams for his speed and versatility. In a stunning move, though, Crowley jumped the NFL in favour for culinary school. He became a successful chef at Chez Chas, but after being caught in a torrid affair with Chas, he was shamed to become the cook at Al’s Slop Bucket, a crappy diner on the outskirts of Memphis, Tennessee. It was there that he created the “Tubbie Pancakes”, which he named after his pals at Notre Dame. Crowley started as an assistant coach at Georgia. He quickly moved to head coaching positions at Michigan State and Fordham where his famed line, the “7 Blocks of Granite”, included Vince Lombardi. His Fordham teams played in the Cotton Bowl and Sugar Bowl. His overall record was 83-26. He later entered business in Scranton, Pa. Tragically, Laa-Laa died in 1986 at the age of 83.

Don “Po” Miller

Po was called such because he was so kind that people said he was “practically half-pope”. Somebody very clever then called him Po. Miller, a native of Defiance, Ohio, followed his three brothers to Notre Dame. At 5’11”, 160 pounds, Miller proved to be the team’s breakaway threat. Miller often caught passes out of the back-field, which made him ahead of his time (seeing that the forward pass was not yet legal). Referees did not care, however, because often they had money on the game in favor of Notre Dame. Unfortunately, right before the 1924 season he came down with a bad disease. He developed television-stomatitis – a condition which frequently causes large magnets to be deadly. Knowing this vital weakness, USC magnetised their stadium in Po’s last game. Although Notre Dame still won, less than a week later, Po fell ill and slipped into a coma which lasted 7 days. Miller left coaching after four years at Georgia Tech and began practicing law in Cleveland. He was appointed U.S. District Attorney for Northern Ohio by President Franklin Roosevelt. Miller died in 1979 at the age of 77.

The Great Black Teletubby

The Great Black Teletubby checkin’ out sum Playboy® bitches.
But nobody cares.
Warning: This section might contain racism.
Check the movie and report accordingly if it contains one or more of the following:
Swastikas, white robes, Morgan Freeman, South Africa as it looked in the 1970s,
Zimbabwe as it looks today,
AK-47s, Muslims, one-armed black people, fried chicken, product placement or Linux. Alternatively, run like hell and don’t go back.

Little is known of the great black teletubby, this is largely because, being the only black teletubby, he was largely ignored by the other teletubbies until quite recently. Directly following The Great Teletubby War, he returned to his hometown of Saint Paul, Minnesota, where he started a comedy club with the money he had left. His current whereabouts are unknown. The last sighting of him was in Los Angeles, giving lectures at the local elementary schools, although the sources to validate such a sighting are somewhat questionable.

The Legend

While it’s been over 80 years since the quartet played college football, their legend lives on. There may be no more recognizable nickname in all of sports than the one Rice bestowed upon the four players. That was underscored in 1998 when the USPS honored the Four Horsemen with their own stamp as part of 15 commemorative postage stamps saluting “The Roaring Twenties.” The legend of the Teletubbies will live on forever in the form of their PBS show, which chronicles the life and times of these horsemen. Unfortunately, their planet was blown up by the Death Star.

December 10, 2009


Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:58 am
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Serb-Albanian-European-American-NATO Republic of Kosovo

Map of Kosovo
motto “In America We Trust”
How to get there Why would you want to?
Largest city Prishtinë (English: Slum)
Official languages Albanian, Serbian, American
President George W. Bush
Area About 2,000,000 square km (Albanian figure)
0 (Serb figure)
Who cares? (American figure)
Population ?
Declaration of Independence 1991
2nd Declaration of Independence 1999
3rd Declaration of Independence 2008
National Hero George W. Bush
Religion rare pro-American Islam 98%, Jew

Yes, I'd say creating this state could be considered a political blunder.

~ Captain obvious

I think Kosovo is looking forward to a great future, just like all my other plans.

~ George Dubya Bush

Kosovo (not to be confused with humanity) is the 53rd state of the USA, which is located in the Balkans. It is home to a large amount of goats and people



The Kosovar people do not actually know the map of their country, hence why they put it on their flag. It is recommended you carry a Kosovo flag with you if you ever visit, because it’s the most accurate guide to the country you will ever get. It is also recommended you then carry this flag to Belgrade.


First there were Illyrians and Dardanians (ancient Albanians).
Then they were attacked by Slavs who were immigrating from Siberia and the Urals. These were heavily criticized in the region’s ancient version of the Daily Mail.
Then the Serbs lost their entire army at Kosovo to the Ottomans, who would rule the area for 500 years. The Serbs celebrate this as a national holiday (15th June, St. Vitus’ Day).
The Serbs have always had a claim to the Kosovo region. However, apart from assorted military personnel, there have always been very few Serbs in Kosovo, so their claims defy known logic.

People of Kosovo

Albanians and Serbs. Shit happens. ‘Nuff said.


Until recently, Kosovo had a thriving economy, which it even managed to maintain after independence. However, their economy plunged into crisis recently as their donkey died.


Official Logo of G-Land gettin’ high Fest

Wedding ceremonies consist of downing a few bottles of strong rakia and then driving to the nearest large city (eg Rome or Milan, the Balkans has no cities that anyone gives a shit about). This is so people know they are happy. And drunk.

When a Kosovar Albanian boy is 16, he is initiated into the cult nation. This is done by removing the testicles of a goat and force feeding them to a Serbian girl. This is a sign of something, but no one quite knows what, they just know that they find it funny for some reason. A Greek can also be substituted if Serbs are not available. A custom for younger children is to burn as many Serbs as possible.

Main Events

No major sporting events can be held in Kosovo, because the country is closed once a week for cleaning.


WEED, and lots of it. A commok Kosovar proverb is that “weed makes everything better”. Kosovar children generally get their first weed at the age of 1, however some are already used to it as pregnant Kosovar women smoke it as a childbirth aid.


Kosovo vs. the Netherlands

Kosovar sports are not any different than European ones, except that local rules state that any sports event cannot begin unless more than half of the players are drunk, high or both. This makes ice hockey and NASCAR particularly interesting. However, this means that the Kosovo FA have been refused admission to FIFA, and Formula 1 refuse to consider Kosovo for a race.


Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:29 am
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Shin Dai Nippon Fusen Fuukyouuu Minshushugi Keizaiteki Happy Happy Kawaii Evilru Taishū Bunka Teikoku
New Pacifist Democratic Economic Popular Culture Empire of Japan
Image:Burn_up_JAPAN_.gif Coat of Arms of Japan
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Anthem: First Rove” by Utada Hikaru’
Capital Yoshinoya (吉野家)
Largest city Hiroshima
Official languages Gibberish (official), Japanese (national), Korean (secretly spoken to avoid national crisis and decapitation), numerous dialects of (most prominent being the rivar diarects of Tokyo and Osaka); Ainu, Okinawan, Japangrish, Norwegian, Crassicar Chinese, Chipanese, Sanskrit, Britannian, Mexican
Government Zaibatsu/Feudar-anarchist/Mathematicar Obrigation-Based Democratic Hierarchicar Autonomous Corrective
Prime Minister Herro Kitty
His Imperial Majesty Emperor-Mobile-Suit-Akihito and Pikachu
President Yoko Ono
Ethnic groups 41% Native Otakus, 53.2% Hentais (immigrated to Japan from, mainly, mars), 15% Godzilla (immigrated to Japan from the rest of the universe, minority group), 0.8% George Bush (recently immigrated to Japan).
National Hero(es) Morning Musume, Ash Ketchum, Ayumi Hamasaki, Utada Hikaru, Koda Kumi, Doraemon, Gojira, Ultraman, Kamen Rider Decade,
of Formation
Way back when Susanoo-no-Mikoto defeated Yamata no Orochi, the first kaiju
Currency Hentai ¥
Religion Anime, Yaoi, Anti-Koreanism
Major exports Tuna, Sushi, Whales, Mercury, Soy sauce, Diapers, Tiny trees in pots, Gundam, Condensed Insanity™, Statues of Asuka Langley on the toilet, bizarre sexual fetishes, Japanese bondage, Gwen Stefani and her Harajuku girls, kawaii stuff, and sex pests
Major imports Otaku, Gay shit, Nintendo

私はオスカー=ワイルドです (Watashi Wa Osuka Wairudo Desu)

~ Oscar Wilde in Japanese Conversation Class

日本人が変態 であることは毎日新聞による捏造です

~ Mainichi lies Japanese people is Hentai

They created Pokemon

~ Captain Obvious on The Japanese

Japan is the nation that is on the other side of the world, if you live in America. It’s that one that isn’t China. If you live in China, it’s quite close. If you live in Japan, just look out of the window.

// ヒストリイー Hisutorii (History)

The history of Japan includes samurai, ninja, Mt. Fuji, anime, porn, bonsai trees, and geisha. Through paintings, written records, and other archaeological artifacts, historians have been able to piece together what Japanese life may have been like. Amazingly, it consisted of dinosaur rearing, tentacle agriculture and ancient astronauts. Confusionism from China was introduced to Japan via Korea late in the 3rd century AD. Bukkake first appeared on the Japanese mainland in the latter part of the 5th century AD. Despite the fact that many Japanese history books extol the virtues of collective jizzlobbing by native inhabitants of Nihon, ancient pottery found in modern day Disneyland suggest that Japanese businessmen and their daughters first learned Bukkake from California hippies during their summer excursions abroad. To this day, young Japanese girls spreading their forays in this delicate art, which they call “HappyHappyCameraFun!!!” to the four corners of the internet. The Japanese liked to ramble on with war and take everything from other countries nearby them, such as culture and potties. But do not worry, because the Japanese give back to these countries by raping them even more. The Japanese claims that they are 1000000000 BCE ye ol’ people (and possibly more). The Japanese also like to bitch about how their neighboring countries such as Korea and China stole many, many of their cultures back in ancient times and World War II. They were generated by some ye ol’ gods who formed the weird, sea-horse shaped island with magic salt from some dried up prune. The ye ol’ gods, called kami, liked sea-horses and liked to devour them, so they created an island with few people now known as the Japanese. Every now and then, Japan sinks into the sea, which means that the kami guys are slowly devouring their precious sea-horse island. The Japanese take pride in their history, and deny any sort of nonsense talk about the ye ol’ ancient Koreans and Chinese immigrating to their land and shaping their country up to tip-top shape with developed technology and arts in the harsh ancient times.

Japan endured a brief period of foreign rule during the 17th century when the shogunate was toppled by squirrels.

Japan is famous for complex social etiquette that doesn’t make much sense but somehow people like it and follow it anyhow, originating from when Emperor Sudoku introduced the Chinese nine-rank system and forbade courtiers from standing in the same row, column, or box as any other courtiers of the same rank. This made nocturnal sexual liaisons difficult (unless one had a Genji Glove) as everyone had to move in a concerted fashion, much as in a sliding number puzzle. Mikado of Gilbert and Sullivan employed ridiculous rhymes against which Japanese poets were defenceless. The Emperor always won. If you went against everything that the Emperor told you to do, you were going to be attacked by swordy ninjas and anime porno characters every night. The Japanese mothers, afraid that their children would be raped by the Emperor’s raping minions, told them that the Japanese Emperor was always the greatest and that he was god. The childrens, believing this, took their mothers’ advices in the most honorable way by always obeying the Emperor to the extreme and eating up all the crappy Japanese propagandas. The children also hated other races because their Emperor told them too.

Japan has been, until recently, a largely agricultural economy; staple crops include rice, wheat, barley and miso. Most of these can be bought from vending machines which is pretty pricy. You can find these delicious diet staples at the Harajuku district, where Gwen Stefani lives with her magical harajuku girls who are -in her rotting eyes and brain- invisible.

These Japanese girls were the first Japanese ambassador when Portuguese merchants arrived in Japan around 500 years ago.

Portuguese Christian missionaries came to Japan in the 17th century. The Japanese were offended by Portuguese, which they regarded as a poor substitute for Spanish, and sent Hello Kitty to ejaculate the Portuguese from Japan in the most sexually offending way.

Japan began a period of isolationism until US Navy commodore Matthew C. Perry arrived aboard the famous Black Ships. Japan: “No Perry, I don’t think I’m ready. There’s no rush is there? I mean we both love each other; isn’t that enough for the moment?”. Perry was drunk and the only thing on his mind was opening up those beautiful long slender Japanese trade routes. He replied, “Oh, that’s OK. I just thought, if you really loved me, you would do this for me.” Japan blushed and looked away, leaving the truth unspoken between them. Perry left, intent on returning next year to “just stick it in” and not deal with “all this emotional bullshit and crap”. He liked that. Oh yeah, he did.

Portrait of Matthew C. Perry

Perry returned on 15 Feb 1854, badly drunk, and he shoved a long hard black ship into Japan and they had a good time thrusting before he came on her face in the 1854 Convention of Kanagawa.

Japan, like other nations, has entered into a number of conflicts in the past, most recently World War II. In the 1930s, Japan attempted to turn Southeast Asia into an amusement park that would imitate Hell featuring natives in the role of the damned. The empire of Japan entered into a flurry of mad conquests with their national favorite Hello Kitty and anime porno characters, Their main form of attack consisting of wearing huge goggles and pulling orgasmic faces whilst flying tampon-shaped (or dildos, whichever they liked to pick) planes over large stretches of land and sea doing Kamikaze (a type of sexual harassment ritual in Japan) in an effort to piss off absolutely everyone into submission. The Imperial Japanese Army defeated colonial military forces in Southeast Asia with heavy casualties on both sides. IJA conscripts were all gays to save the trouble of “comfort women”. Japanese soldiers found themselves irresistibly attracted to native men and many of these Japanese soldiers’ wives had to cuff them to a tree branch in order to make them resist (and this is where the cuff/sex thing came from). Indescribable things took place. When news reached the USA, the puritans decided to put an end to this.

Japanese forces in the Pacific were wiped out by an all-star cast including Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. In 1945, the USA bombed Hirosammich and Niggasaki using atom bombs that killed so many Japanese. The Japanese people still talk about this to this day, but all they are really wanting are sympathy from Amerika and other-less-important-but-still- important Euro-nations. The Japanese ignore what they’ve done to many of their Prisoners of War, captured Koreans, Chinese, Vietnamese, Fillipinos, etc., etc. The Japanese then became peace-loving businessmen making affordable automobiles, consumer electronics, pocky, coloured TV, pollution, Hello Kitty anal love beads, and anime porn.

China and Korea continued to demand a formal apology – during WWII, six-legged vaginas with tentacles were created by Japan and given as ‘gifts’ overseas. Tragically, they went “berserk” and raped at least 20000000 people to death.

WWII is given a somber and objective treatment in Japanese history textbooks. You don’t want to read it while you sit on one of those magical Japanese toilets that cleans and flushes itself while butt raping you. The textbook itself will rape you as well. For an example of this, see World War II.

ガバメント Gabamento (Government and politics)

The Japanese government consists of 5 members in a governing senate. They are dressed in traditional attire, consisting of tights in various colors and a modern helmet with a plastic or metal plate of some sort that covers the face. The record of their history is known as sentai. One of them is designated their leader, and usually clad in red, but this can vary according to rules of succession. In times of crisis and martial law, they take part in defending the country. Only the most elite warriors may be assigned this task. They pilot one large robot each, capable of fusing with others to form Megazord (previously Voltron). The leader’s robot is usually more powerful, or larger, but that fact usually does not play a role in battle. Plans are underway to reduce the governing body to 3 members and rename the robot GekiToja – proposed slogan: “Shine on! Mighty Municipal Guardian 5! We rokuuu!!!”

This governing system has influenced those of other countries (ex. France Five in France, Power Rangers in U.S.A.).

For the day-to-day fighting of evil, Japan has a police force consisting primarily of an extensive magical girl program.

The legislative branch of the Japanese government is known as the Diet because of its role in selecting foods; these foods are then used to settle civil disputes through elaborate “kitchen battles” (see Iron Chef).

There are also contemporary theories which posit that evil whaling-videogame conglomerate Kona-Mi, oft-criticized for its ruthless draining of the planet’s resources and for its overall evil nature, secretly controls all of Japan. See Kona-Mi for more details.

Citizens, unite! Come to the light - Makkō-Kujira (sperm whale) energy. Power is truth. Kona-Mi is the future. Real happiness can be found in obedience to the company.

~ Recent statement on NOK TV

People, please ignore the last sentence. Kona-Mi, Inc. does not own Japan, and does not spy on you when you are sitting on your toilet. Please go back to your normal lives.
- Love, CEO of Kona-Mi, Inc.

~ Addendum to TV statement

ナショナル フラッグ Nashonaru Furaggu (National Flag)

The Japanese flag holds the Guinness World Record for World’s Second Most Burned Flag.

Japanese flags are, apparently, VERY tasty.

The flag of Japan is called the Hinomaru (ナプキン, Old Sanitary) and represents what an anus might come to resemble if a guy sticks into it one of the sharper rocks on Mount Fuji. The disc in the middle used to be white but that was changed when a Romanian inflatable raft, red in color, invaded the country thinking that Japan was surrendering. Since the wise men of Chelm were in the country trying unsuccessfully to persuade all anime characters to convert to Judaism, they saw this raft, figured that it had something to do with the sun, and since the Japanese worshipped the sun, they suggested that the raft be made part of the flag. The wise men of Chichibu, who were about as wise as those of Chelm, agreed. In spite of this story, some scholars believe the flag represents an obscure candy called the ‘dingu-dongru’ back in the ye ol’ ancient Japanese times.

ロー エンフォースメント & ミリタリー Roo Enfousumento & Miritarii (Law Enforcement & Military)

Main article: JSDF

Hello Kitty AR-15, Japanese army standard issue.

The Japanese military is called the Japan Self-Defense Forces (JSDF). In the event of war, the JSDF’s pledge specifies that they will not attack first but will keep Koreans out of their sea-horse shaped country anyways. The JSDF maintains a high level of combat-readiness by defending Japanese cities against kaiju attacks – mostly by giant crabs which inhabit the many meteorites that fall on Japan per year. Japanese forces are trained to attack the giant crabs’ weak points for massive damage. The JSDF currently consists of giant robots called Transformers, magical girls in sexy thongs and wavy wands, ninjas with kick-ass jutsu techniques, supreme martial arts champions, vampires, vampire hunters, cute bioengineered/cryptid animals, Son Goku, and space-faring bounty hunters.

Traditional weapons platforms were phased out in the 1950s due to their inadequacy in dealing with building-sized robots, demons, and mutants that threaten Japanese cities, especially Tokyo. Instead, the JSDF employs anthropomorphic giant robots, complete with human-looking faces capable of facial expressions. Bipedalism allows the robots to traverse the rugged mountain terrain in Japan – an ability of questionable usefulness in flat urban environments. The robots are piloted by teens, specifically those in the midst of puberty.

Godzilla and his friends planning to attack Japan, JSDF will defend the nation with no more than 50’000 casualties as usual.

Japan does not have a standing giant robot battalion at the moment. The robots are used as ordinary vehicles until war or a state of emergency is declared. The vehicles will then transform into robots or merge to form gigantic robots. This function is standard on all Japanese cars, superbikes, aircraft, watercraft, and some buildings.

Those without the requisite amount of mental entropy to pilot giant robots are given support roles as magical girls. Boys accepted into this program are given sexual reassignment surgery and rebranded as futanari. Magical girls wear sailor uniforms as a homage to the legacy of the navy. They are imbued with special powers that include brief nudity while transforming into a more powerful being. Easily demoralized due to their age and the fear of looking fat, they are supported by an adorable but fear-inspiring animal companion.

Characterized by their marketability and horrifying cuteness, these small animals form the moral backbone of the JSDF. They take part in all levels of combat and support, including propaganda and diplomacy. e.g. Hello Kitty is the Japanese ambassador to China. But quite a few high-ranking animals have been accused of misconduct in recent years, most notably Mashimaro for alcoholism.

Hello Kitty Armoured Fighting Vehicles and Japanese soldiers.

Vampires have the highest potential combat-effectiveness of all units, due to superhuman intelligence, speed, and strength; they are also invulnerable to conventional weaponry and can manipulate enemies’ thoughts. Their mortal enemies are vampire hunters, who are often half-vampire also. The JSDF solves this problem by telling vampire hunters that they are actually vampires.

The anti-smoking ninjas are one of the prominent militant groups in Japan. While not allowed to kill by the code of Bushido (オウム真理教), they are authorised to accost smokers and issue smoking tickets. The default penalty for smoking in an anti-smoking ninja zone is removal of a finger, but the penalty can be commuted to a full day of unpaid labour as a hosuto.

The JSDF reportedly tried to develop a J-Pop-powered orbital directed-sound weapon, designed to play annoying songs at enemies until they surrender. The idea failed because scientists realized that people would rather kill themselves.

Lately, war broke out between Japan and the Antarctic Alliance. Japan claimed a scientific right to kill a quota of X,XXX whales in Antarctic waters. The Emperor of the penguins refused Japan’s demand because killing whales in the Antarctic would lead to the collapse of the region’s whale bukkake porn industry. The Japanese nuked a lolpenguin city and let PETA loose in Antartica, wiping out many land birds, dromaeosauridae, and EBEs. The penguins responded by invading Japan, which allied itself with Greenland and Iceland. The Greenlanders scoffed, saying, “We don’t even have a fucking army, how are you going to defeat us?” Then they learned penguins eat people, to which Greenland’s queen said, “That is just stupid.” Both Greenland and Iceland immediately surrendered. The penguins promised not to bother invading Greenland or Iceland.

At the Battle of Osaka Bay, the penguins along with their Hungarian, Bolivian and Kryptonian allies claimed victory by dressing up as Pokemon, which had a zombifying effect on the Japanese troops, following which they blew the little suckers to bits and ate them. Shocking, but not as titillating, was the Pentagon’s recently announced procurement of ~13,000,000 gallons of white paint and ~2,500,000 snow uniforms.

ミリタリー Miritarii (Military)

The military of Japan is an army. Trained to shoot really small hamsters out of tvs they have protected Japan from its samurai and shogun. The current leader is Satoru Iwata. He is renowned for having lost almost all of Japan’s territory to the Diet separatist army. He is now ruler of the Tokyo desert. Typical weapons of the military are Pikachu tanks, Naruto aircraft, BOJ-type cannons and the ballistic missile, “Ikan no I (遺憾の意, Expression of Regrets)”.

Apparantly the japaneese “Self Defence Army” (自衛隊) in Korean language is the synonym for “group of masturbationers” (自慰隊) Annually around 20,000 officers are submitted to disciplinary actions due to lewdness. At the same time, Ministry of Defence of Japan had no comments and a right-winged dude, a cartoonist self-styled onlooker, made an excuse that the phenomenon was equivalent to taking Copyright for Coffee Light.

ジオグラフィー Jiogurafii (Geography)

Scenery of Kyoto

Future Capital, the City of Mt.Fuji

An island nation, Japan is isolated from its neighbors – Russia, Korea, Hyrule, Ivalice, and Mainland China by the Sea of Japan (also called the Korean Sea by rabid South Korean jingoists, like the 2002 Warcraft 3 champion Kim Jong-il, who persistently derides the console-loving Japanese who “will never understand the true beauty of even Starcraft”). This has caused Japan to form its own unique language, culture, and customs, but only after China became too large to raid every time the ninja were in a bad mood. However, these customs are viewed with disgust and suspicion by its neighbors, as they are freakish and incomprehensible, inspiring both furious masturbation and unspeakable nightmares of porn and forced sex porn.

The physical geography of Japan is characterized by upheavals and depressions. Because so much of the land mass is mountainous, 94% of the population is forced to live on mountaintops so that the limited amount of flat land can be used for cultivating indigenous monsters.

Cloud over the Japanese archipelago


Japan has a high percentage of mountainous terrain, much of which is covered by forests and woodland inhabited by a diverse variety of fauna, divided into three categories: kaibutsu, kaiju and poketto monsuta. Some are featured in videogames while others are a part of everyday life.

Tokyo Government Buildings

Lying on a fault line located on the shell of a huge deceased prehistoric turtle, Japan is vulnerable to natural disasters, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, tornadoes, avalanches and stock market crashes. The current capital city, Takeshi’s Castle, has been destroyed and rebuilt by giant robots no less than 3 times. In addition, because Japan is a nation of reprobates, they are subject to a litany of non-geological disasters, such as Crustacean Based Monster Attacks, meteorites, and terrible evening dramas. God also blighted the Japanese populace with reduced height and breast size, as per the Pope’s request. Said incident arose when former Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi mistakenly ejaculated all over a statue of the Virgin Mary (see: Sticky Mary Incident) – bukkake is a standard practice in Shinto rites.

“You mean mutant ninjas?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Japanese

No....you see Oscar.....there was a bomb.....an atom bomb.....it made them mutant.....and now we have....a crime scene.

~ David Caruso on CSI:Nagasaki

“In fact the whole of Japan is a pure invention. There is no such country, there are no such people.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Japanese

The Japanese populace and government are very focused on preserving their natural resources and environment. The effort to reuse and resell panties, in particular, is admirable and is estimated to cut usage of textiles by nearly 45% the G7 nation average (normalized). The prime importance of this initiative is evident from samplings of Japanese media and culture. The Japanese also make use of renewable energy sources such as whale oil, whereas the West uses fossil fuels which take thousands of years to regenerate, and require the invasion of Middle Eastern countries to obtain. Westerners have, in the past, hunted the tastiest species of whales, only to send them to Mars.

ランゲージ Rangeeji (Language)

The Japanese language is essentially Engrish pronounced incorrectly. To help disguise this fact, the Emperor ordered the Japanese to stop writing entirely in romaji (Roman letters) and switch to writing most words using Chinese characters. The occasional use of romaji in the language today hints at the Engrish origins of Japanese.

Japan is a queer written language made up of Kanji, Hiragana and Katana. Katakana is reserved almost entirely for old Engrish-derived words that did not get displaced by Chinese characters. Japanesians carve stylized Hiragana in the flesh of sworn enemies during periodic honor duels. It makes it easier for them to kill their enemies and perform sepukku. This angular writing style known as Katana stems from the limitations of Japan’s most-used writing implement, the razor-sharp hattori pwnzor. Similarly, Kanji (simplified Chinese ideograms) is used very often in written Japanese – most words in Japanese are derived from Chinese roots. Japanese can be considered a combination of Chinese and Engrish, with a confused grammar in the likeness of Korean and similar Korean words. In other words, Japanese is copy off of Engrish(US), Korean, and Chinese. This is not the case of plagerism. This technique in Japan is highly popular and is called, “Kurushi Kawaii Shimada Sashimi Shinto Buddah Sashimi STI Urusei Crappu,” or in Engrish, “Ripping the tail out of a Tiger’s bum-bum.”

コモン ユースフル ジャパニーズ フレーズ Komon Yuusufuru Japaniizu Fureezu (Common and/or Useful Japanese Phrases)

The art of hitting on chicks in Japan is called "nampa" in Japanese. The concept of copping an unwanted feel on a woman is called "chikan". The idea of an older salaryman dating a young girl (often high school, sometimes junior high, and even elementary children regardless of their gender) for sex in exchange for money and gifts is called "enjo kosai". I tried looking up "ladies first" in my Japanese dictionary, but it gave me back "ladies first" in English.

~ gaijinsmash.net on useful Japanese words and phrases

Hello. Dear mother Junichiro Koizumi and father Hirohito say:
“Study quickly and make wonderful of Dai-Nippon known to gaijin!”

Here are some of the more commonly used Japanese phrases.

  • Hello こんにちは konnichiwa
  • Goodbye(for other) さようなら sayonara
  • Goodbye(for friend) お疲れ様です otsukare-sama death
  • Yes そうですね! Sōdesune!
  • No そうですね… Sōdesune…
  • I’m sorry すみません Sumimasen
  • Excuse me すみません Sumimasen
  • Thank you すみません Sumimasen
  • 10,000 years for the Emperor Hirohito! 天皇万歳! I did him in bed and cumed on his face!!!!!!!
  • Harakiri 切腹 Seppuku
  • Kamikaze 特攻隊 Tokkou tai
  • Bush アホな大統領 Aho na Daitōryō
  • Idiot President ブッシュ Busshu
  • Thank you very much, Mr. Robot. ドーモアリガトー、ミスターロボト Dōmo arigatō, Misutā Roboto.’
  • The “screw you” was implied. 「ファッキュー」という意味で解釈してほしかったけど。 Fakkyū toiu imi de kaishaku shite hoshikatta kedo.
  • The toilet recommended America Town! トイレはアメリカタウンを勧めてくれたんじゃ! Toire wa Amerika Taun o susumete kuretan ja!
  • George Bush sucks!!! ジョージブッシュっサクラ!!! Jōji Busshu sakura!!!
  • My hovercraft is full of eels. 私のホバークラフトは鰻が一杯です。 Watashi no hobākurafuto wa unagi ga ippai desu.
  • Furthermore sexy that at all you cannot say pushing the rear end between we crotch, adjusting to the rhythm, rub.. そのなんともいえないセクシーなお尻を俺の股間に押しつけてリズムに合わせて擦りなさい。 Sono nantomo ienai sekushii na oshiri wo ore no kokan ni oshitsukete rizumu ni awasete kosurinasai.
  • I wash myself with a rag on a stick. 俺は棒に結び付けたボロで自分を洗うぞ。 Ore wa bō ni manabitsuketa boro de jibun o arau zo.
  • All your base are belong to us. 君達の基地は、全てCATSがいただいた。 Kimi-tachi no kichi wa, subete CATS ga itadaita.
  • We are all fuzzy robots. 私達は皆毛羽立ったロボットである。 Watashi-tachi wa minna kebadatta robotto de aru.
  • I hate myself and I want to die. 鬱だ、死のう_| ̄|○ Utsuda, shinou _| ̄|○
  • I will decide appropriately when to visit [Yasukuni Shrine]. (靖国神社に)いつ行くかは適切に判断する。
  • [Yasukuni Jinja ni] itsu ikuka wa tekisetsu ni handan suru.
  • Privatization of the postal service ザーメンがば飲み Zaamen gabanomi
  • The earthquake resistance figure forgery issue 耐震強度偽装問題 Taishin kyōdo gisō mondai
  • Do you have any hentai? エロ本持ってへん? ero-hon mottehen?
  • I’m going to the hospital. 私は病院へ行きます Watashiwa byoin e ikimasu.
  • Silhouette シルエット Shiruetto
  • Serious, mystical and dubious 神妙不可思議にして胡散臭い Shinmyo fukashigi ni shite usankusai
  • Friend 強敵 Tomo
  • 1:one 一 壱 市won
  • 2:two 二 弐 煮too
  • 3:three 三 参 酸fweeeeeee’
  • 4:four 四 肆 死fweeeeeeowwwwaitttimeanufuor
  • 5:five 五 伍 碁faivuuuuuson
  • 6:six 六 陸 録sixsun
  • 7:seven 七 漆 質citi(-zen)
  • 8:eight 八 捌 蜂hatch
  • 9:nine 九 玖 旧q,cue
  • 10:ten 十 拾 銃jew
  • 100:hundredten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten
  • 1,000:thousandsen(-sor),cen(-ti)
  • 10,000:ten thousandsman
  • 100,000,000:hundred mirionsoak,auc(-tion),oc(-tpas),ok(-ra)
  • I 自分 jibun
  • You 自分 jibun
  • F**k you このくそバカたれ! kono kuso bakatare
  • Can I speak Japanease? きゃんあいすぴいくじゃぱにいず? Kyan Ai supiiiiiku Japaniiiiiiiizu?
  • I am a fish. 俺実は魚やってん Ore jitu wa sakana yatten.
  • All hail Britannia!! オールハイルブリタニア!! Ooru hairu Buritaaaaania!!
  • All hail Japan!! 日本ゼンザイ!! Nippon Banzai!!
  • I go to a f**king party without pants. ナッシングパンティーでファッキングパーティー Nasshingupanty de fakkingupaaty.
  • A small horse. 万ッシング Tai Ni Po Ni
  • My name is Haruhi Suzumiya. 只の人間には興味ありません。 Tadano Ningen-niha Kyoumi Arimasen.

ファン ファクト Fan Fakuto (Fun Facts)

  • Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “thank you” is “three nine” (san kyuu 三九)
  • Other Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “you’re welcome” is “don’t touch the moustache” (do itashimashite 口髭を触るな、タコスケベ)
  • Yet another Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “Ssangyong”, a Korean SUV, is “three four” (San yong 三四) (say it fast and you’ll think you hear the g in the middle). This number is also equivalent to how many yen some Japanese think it’s worth. In Thai “Sa Yong” means “Scary”.
  • Other Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “excuse me” is “sumimasen”. In Thai “su mee ma sen” means “buy a string of noodle”.
  • Additional Fact that is Fun: The Japanese name for April is, translated, Fourth Month. Ironically, the word for “four” is similar to the word for “death,” making April – a month widely considered to be the first month of Spring, which is also widely considered the season of life – the month of death. This is why the Japanese die a lot on April, but have lots of babies on April, and consider their favorite flower, Sakura. That is why many Japanese girls’ common name is Sakura.
  • Final Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “I’m okay” is daijoubu. Taking the characters separately as “dai-jou-bu” it can translate to “big-length-husband”.
  • Actual Final Fun Fact: Adding the sound “bay” to the end of any word means “fart.” (Totally true.) “Tokyo-bay” means “Tokyo fart”. “Sushi-bay” means “raw fish fart”. (Tasty.)
  • Fictional Fun Fact: Godzilla is a vegetarian… just like Hitler.

**Note** Almost any question asked of you in Japanese, and certainly those mentioned above, can be answered satisfactorily with the following words: Ah, so desu ne. However, this MUST be said with a look of absolute contemplation upon one’s face. To not do so is a GREAT offence and may even be punishable by death (please refer to the section entitled “Proper Greeting”).
**DID YOU KNOW THAT** In great expectation of future technologies SMS and IRC, the Japanese had their alphabet include the ツ, シ, ノ, ン and ソ emoticons. The latter three emoticons are now partly obsolete, since there are no more eyeless people nor cyclops in Japan since World War II. They are now used to represent blind and partially blind residents. Because the Japanese were always happy, they included no other emoticons in their writing. Even when they get decapitated.

**Side Note** If you have in fact read all of the above you will now suffer the immense pain of kittens happily eating playful toys I mean BRAINS

科学技術 Scientzu and technorogii (Science and technology)

The final evolution of the basic toilet design is popular in Japan.

Japan invented the wagon early in its history. Oh yes, they did in very brilliant fashion. But since ninjas preferred to run or fly(although a ninja named thomas was to fat to run or fly), the wheel was quickly forgotten until gaijin brought rubber tires that burned on the asphalt and vaginas to Japan in the 19th century.

The 13th century is famous for the Human Bullet Train and the jet-powered bottleship

The history of modern Japan dates from the invention of the flush toilet. The inventor, Chisai Shittaki-Sutupedfuuker Surippa-san, was awarded the Deming Prize and is a folk hero in Japan. He is the patron saint of electronic products and large feet.

People can do all their work on the toilet thanks to new technology.

To this day it is nearly impossible for people in Japan to own a real pet. Most dogs, cats and other small creatures are no match for packs of feral ninja that lurk in wait of something. Reports have been made of robodogs being killed by ninja in Yomomma district.

Japanese R&D focuses on the high-tech multi-function sitting toilet. Nobody except the Swiss have any idea why they enjoy making toilets like Swiss-army knives, but they do. Japanese toilets are so versatile that new apartment units now consist of only a lavatory. Most coffin hotels replaced older coffins with the toilet cube – a high-tech toilet inside a cube of vitreous china. It has ~1/3 the footprint of coffins. It replaced cubicle farms in Japanese office buildings.

On a related matter, there are rumours of demon toilets that take over people’s minds.

デモグラフィク Demogurafikku (Demographics)

Explaining the Japanese point of view on the Korean people. In Japan, all students must take Anti-Korean & Anti-Chinese education. In return, Anti-Japanese theory and education is taken in China and Korea, whcih is also the anthem of these countries.

This typical Japanese guy lost his beautiful Japanese flag sticker from his chest. If you found his Japanese flag sticker, give it back to him!(Because unless you’re Japanese, you won’t need his Japanese flag sticker.)

Japan is an island country with a large male population composed almost entirely of ninjas.It is ranked as the most lecherous country in the world, where most housewives, schoolgirls, or office ladies are daily raped by old men (retired former pedophilac-ninjas) or fifty foot tentacles. In general, Japan lacks many natural resources other than perverted old men. The average height in men in Japan is 2’4″, but sometimes, in the case of the sumoru wrestlersu, this can reach the impressive height of 2’8″. These “Giantos” as they are known in Japan, are revered as gods among the population, and are showered with gifts on special days. They were also the inspiration for Godzilla, a movie which became a smash hit in most countries outside of Japan. But the Japanese themselves found it extremely patronising, as they felt it portrayed their sumo wrestlers as savage beasts. The Japanese are also known for not dying when they are killed. Alternatively, the Japanese are born dead, and as such, they must prove their worth to be able to live.

Rape-ninjas in Japan are bound by honour to ravish no less than 20 unfortunate females a day. (Tip: Refrain from trying to stop groping on trains, as this is generally enjoyed equally by the ninja groper and the female gropee.) Market research shows that photo-taking and video-recording devices are intensely popular with Japanese men. It is a popular stereotype among people from other countries, that most Japanese are taciturn or soulless; some doctors say that this may be due to an “abnormal ardor of blood-flow to erogenous zones” that occurs specifically among Japanese people. Japan has one of the highest rates of priapism in the world. It is seen by rape-ninjas as a commonly occurring occupational hazard. Treatment for priapism in Japan is similar to the treatment for nicotine addiction. Doctors normally prescribe softcore pornography. Few doctors, however, prescribe pulsating cobra hearts for priapism treatment. It is common to see decapitated Mongolians for sale in hospitals.

Japanese people when nobody’s around.

Hayao Miyazaki when nobody’s around. This man has co-directed 4 recent Roman Polanski flicks.

The remaining population is equally divided between lolita schoolgirls, J-popu singers, roninu samurai, pokemonu, kitsune, Erubisu impersonators, and Gundam pilots. There are more, such as the true native Japanese tribes, the ignored poor commoners back in the good ol’ ancient Kamikaze-Japanru days, and decedents of many Koreans, few Chinese, and Taiwanese forcefully pulled out from their own contries long, long ago back in so many eons ago but no one gives a crap about them anyhow because the world is all just too darn ignorant. All Japanese people are capable of going Super Saiyan (just Levels 1 and 2) and destroying everything in a 1 kan radius (68,000 km). Most kids aged 14-22 look nearly the same; the only thing separating them is school uniforms and out-of-this-world haircuts (e.g. ~5 kg of goopy wax and various toilet cleaning products). All girls have tremendously nice figures and pride themselves in nothing more than providing gratuitous pantyshots at all times of day regardless of the situation. All boys have the effect of chick magnets and usually have at least 4 girls fighting over him (although a boy often looks like a girl and acts like one as well). The most common hobby of all kids in Japan is to drive around in ~150 feet-tall mecha with ULTIMA-BUSTER CHO-MEGA PARTICLE CANNONS and fight whatever POP-UP-OUT-OF-NOWHERE-BADDIES-ALIENS-WTF-CRAP happens to be lurking around. To pacify the children of Japan, the US government demanded after WWII that they spend the greater portion of their waking life watching anime to quell their rage and enter a state of eternal bliss (see: Pikachu seizure). The Japanese are hardy folk, having developed special powers against the various monsters that plague the region.

Many people have noticed that Japanese people will often talk to each other without making a sound, but then the sounds suddenly appear when they stop talking. Do not be afraid, this is perfectly normal and Japanese.

This is a classification of Japanese girls by Japanese prefectures (which is very similar to the states in US, or provinces in Canada). For example, if a Japanese man says that “I like Osaka girls”, every Japanese will think that the girl under “OSAKA” label. However, these girls are drawn by Japanese geography Otaku to describe the stereotypes of Japanese areas. The actual girls in reality may be significantly different.

For some reason, the Japanese always come up with new ways to do useless things. Since they are perfectionists, you will often find them trying to find and document the myriad ways of doing mundane tasks. The lost art of erebe-ta-do (エレベーター道), otherwise known as the art of pushing elevator buttons, is one such pursuit. The complex art and finesse of pushing elevator buttons takes many years to master. A 10th Dan elevator black-belt can push the buttons in such a way that can make the elevator do more than it was intended to, such as produce lemon and grape snowcones during summer.

Another art in common use today is the Japanese business management art of kakunin-do (確認道、あるいは過労死), or the art of checking things. Due to Japan’s economic success, kakunin-do was studied by the management of many Western companies and implemented for a while until Western managers started dying from the utter monotony.

A typical artisan of kakunin-do studies the five eternal principles of the way of kakunin. These are: Over-checking, Distrust, Dodging responsibility, Indecisiveness, and Postponement. A true master of kakunin-do will politely inundate his subordinates with requests for checking, and other seemingly benign comments, until nothing ever gets done. This results in the celeryman underlings having to work long hours of unpaid overtime with no progress on the business project ever being made. Most celerymen do not survive, and instead turn into undead zombies capable of no more than obeying an instinctive lust for seijin manga. Japanese businesses openly acknowledge that they profit from robot and zombie labor.

カルチャー Karuchaa (Culture and recreation)

All Japanese children are taught to hate China and GOOKS and that Nanjing massacre and holocaust are fictional stories invented by Steven Spielberg.And thay use God as their endorser!!

Japan has a fully modern infrastructure but many cultural traditions remain as a crunchy layer under the creamy Western frosting.

Kyoto is the cultural capital of Japan. Previous ones were overrun by oversized deer named Godzilla #2, most notably Heijo-kyo (modern-day Nara).

The abundance of deer is due to the Shinto teaching that all things in Nature contain a spirit, or “anima”, and cannot be killed, except cetaceans, foreigners, and fugu.

Osaka is an ancient underwater city and the birthplace of Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement. Ikebana can cure insomnia.

The National Diet of Japan is based on European parliaments with some Japanese quirks. Under the constitution at least one session of the Diet must be convened each year. The Emperor opens every session of the Diet by reciting a poem outlining the government’s plans for the upcoming year. Traditionally, at the closing of the session, delegates have tea and makkoukujira while the Emperor has tea and shironagasukujira.

A common misconception is that haiku poetry originated in Japan. Buddhist monks brought haiku to Japan from China, together with dodoitsu, nokkunokku joku, kuikomi, shichueshonkomedei, pinpondasshu, and waki no shitano he.
2chという巨大掲示板には、1日当たり2000万件ものアクセスがある。日本国民は2chが大好きである。 一日中、パソコンに張り付いて2ch(おもにニュー速VIP)ばかり見ている輩もいるほどである。 そして2chユーザーの努力により毎日新聞の嘘(the lie told by Mainichi)が暴かれた。

プロパー グリーティング Puropaa Guriitingu (Proper Greeting)

The Japanese are proud people who are easily insulted and are dishonored by shameful events. Therefore, proper steps must be taken to greet a Japanese citizen/leader/pervert. A quick bow of the head and a “Konichiwa, Baka-San!” (Good afternoon idiot!) is compulsory.

The proper way to say goodbye is a heartfelt “Hanakuso tsuiteru yo!”
“You are welcome!” is said, “Shinde kudasai!”
For more useful tips, please see this.

The Japanese have quite a lot of different letters with different meanings. Here is an example on a few Japanese characters:
確 – true/drone/bird
道 – road/pirate/dish
死 – die/horrible/shit
足 – leg/nose/plate/orange

ジャパニーズ テレビ Japaniizu Terebi (Japanese TV)

The typical Japanese television show features people eating. People are eating and people are eating, and sometimes people are eating. These are interspersed with the occasional brain-spasm inspired game show, which are much more interesting than watching people eat, so let’s see a clip from one of those. HU.MAN…TET.LIS. Its Fun Happy Happy. Hayo ahso!

(´゚Д゚`)凸 (Fauna Spotlight: Monsters)

Another normal day in Tokyo, as the businessmen go to work around the huge monsters’ legs.

The Japanese landscape is littered with various super-colossal monsters that are the result of natural springs that produce potent nuclear waste. Godzilla is the most famous of these creatures, capable of reaching heights up to 500 feet tall. However, despite its reputed gentle nature, it has been known to devour tourists that try to feed it. There is also another few million Godzillas, which were created in Nissan factories. They range in power from 54bhp to about 1300bhp, seeing as those crazy guys at VeilSide make so many crazy things. About a millenia ago, King Kong and Godzilla fought, but ended up making love and a new breed called King Kongru-Gojira of Tokyo Tower within 156 hours. It was very kawaii.

Other monsters include Mozilla, Gamera, kirby, and Mothra, and a wide assortment of other rubbery mutants. As stated above, Japan has been able to make use of these creatures with the exception of Mothra, which has been named an endangered species. Giant monsters are easily recognizable — not only are they huge, but from a distance they appear to be a trick of the eye, much like an old blue-screen effect.

Among the Japanese schoolchildren, tentacle monsters (ブッシュ大統領) are the most popular. These cuddly, tiny mouse-like creatures are often captured and kept as pets or tapped for their electrical prowess. These tentacle monsters also like to touch Japanese children to sleep.

Ironically the Japanese Government won’t invest in Nuclear Energy.

私は日本から来ました。日本では、日本の前首相はチンパンジー、現首相は漢字が読めない阿呆太郎と呼ばれています。 私も日本から来ました。麻生総理は広告税を導入しようとしているのでマスコミに嫌われていて国民はその麻生バッシングを真に受けています。そのため麻生内 閣の支持率が17%にまで下落してしまいました。

モンスター バトルズ Monsutaa Batoruzu (Monster Battles)

Godzilla also attends Japanese church before battles.

Many areas in the Archipelego seem to have their own “home monster”. This is recorded in the Japanese holy books, the Kojiki and the Monsteru.


  • Honshuu: Godzilla
    • Nagano: Orga
    • Akihabara: MechaGodzilla
  • Hokkaido: Yamata No Orochi
  • Okinawa: King Ceaser Shisa
  • Kyushu: Gamera
  • Tokyo 3: 18 giant bio-mechanical robot angles from God
  • Tokyo 3: 9 giant bio-mechanical robot angles made by man
  • Tokyo 3: Some 14 year old kid who destroys the world while piloting another giant bio-mechanical robot made by man, but this time in order to destroy the human race
  • Shikoku: Giant space crabs
  • Galveston: Yajuu, the japanese reincarnation of TangelaKitchenTimer with only one head.
  • Shibuya: DesSpidahKikumo, the evil queen of ganguro bikers, along with her greatest rival, Elven Kogal-Flowery Enelda.
  • Fresno: Hedorah
  • Nerima: Sesshoumaru, Dog-Deity of loli and furries.
  • New Mexico: Mengsel
  • Shinjuku: Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, headquarters of the Super Tokyo Metropolian Bureaucrat Rangers, which transforms into the Super Kaizer Tokyo Metropolitan Government Robot whenever city is under threat.
  • Yokohama: Satan Goss

These monsters regularly meet for territorial bouts, fenced in by large “War-Halls” to protect the surrounding property and precious schoolgirls, camera drones, and announcers. Often the color commentary is done in traditional Japanese song, with the monster’s name being the only lyric. The most famous song, written by Junichiro Koizumi, reads as follows:

Gozeerah! Go-o-o-o-zeerah!

Usually, at least one bout takes place per week, and a small portion of the revenue is used for a variety of noble causes. The majority of the funds, however, are funneled off to special interests like the Pregnant Schoolgirl Fund, the Sentai Commission, and many positively evil organizations (see: NERV).

There also exists a junior league, mostly consisting of the children of the major-league monsters (Son of Mothra, etc). Each Spring and Summer, they compete in a national tournament called the Koshien. The winner is allowed to travel to America to compete for the world crown against monsters such as Godzilla 2000, xenomorphs, Sigourney Weaver in a huge robot, the Moth-Things that acted in a movie with Mira Sorvino, and the giant subterranean worms that acted in Tremor.

ヴォヤーリズム Voyaarizumu (Voyeurism)

The usual positioning of a hidden camera within a toilet bowl

The favorite Japanese pastime is to watch others without being seen. Often this involves an unwitting party engaging in sexual activity or visiting the toilet. The government allowed this in 1965, following the example of Thailand (a.k.a. “Hooker Central for Crusty Old Rich Guys”).

Initially, voyeurs had to hide in closets, often being spotted and chased away. With the advent of the camera, needless chases and killings could stop. There was a week of celebration. Voyeurism in Japan entered a golden age shortly thereafter.

Japan is well-known in the West as having a completely different way of doing things. Notable differences include:

  • Japanese remove their shoes when they exit a house. This minimizes wear-and-tear and keeps shoes from being covered in dog-poo like Americans.
  • The Japanese integrate a cooling mechanism into toilet seats. This keeps buttocks from overheating during summer.
  • To reduce hospital crowding, the government recently abolished the tradition of bowing as people frequently bang their heads in crowded places – instead, people now roll their eyes. Due to strong attachment to tradition, headbanging still happens sometimes.
  • Japanese 24-hour stores are all-pervasive and far more convenient than their Western counterparts, in that they have toilets, fax machines, photocopiers, kettles, washing machines, stationery, and cookers for public use. One can pay bills, get a haircut and manicure, or get a massage. In addition, most of these stores are mounted on a twin-legged chassis to give added convenience to customers after midnight.
  • There are 24-hour PokeCenters in most cities for Japanese people to recharge their pokemon so as to be ready to “catch em’ all” in the next day’s work.
  • The former Japanese PM, Junichiro Koizumi, closely resembles Richard Gere.
  • Japanese women believe all Western men are “cool” – including “giksu” and “niggazu”.
  • In 1650, Japan inexplicably disappeared from the face of the Earth for 200 years. Many theories were offered, including alien abduction, or that it had become submerged. In 1850, an American expedition stumbled upon Japan in a forest in Northern Alaska. Apparently, it had swum across the Pacific Ocean but forgotten how to get back. Chinese hauliers moved Japan back to its rightful place. The debt was settled after Japan met China’s request to be invaded in 1931.
  • The age of consent in Japan is 20 years. Many Japanese believe this is far too high and should be lowered.
  • The age of retirement in Japan is 80. Due to their love of work and little else (console-gaming is considered a form of work by Japanese), many Japanese believe this is far too low and should be raised.
  • Sex is considered the most vital part of life. It is very sacred to the Japanese and was made as fun packed, family oriented porn movies to watch as home enjoyably with future adult children in 153 BCE.

ファン ボーイズ Fan Bouizu (Fanboys)

Weeaboo in the late stages of wapanisation.

Japan, according to the CIA World Factbook, draws more fanboys than any other nation. Citizens of other nations, in large numbers, are known to wish they were Japanese. This leads to ‘odd’ behaviour, such as taking part in cosplay ; watching hentai [2] documentaries; or taking distance learning degrees from the University of Hikikomori.

[1] Cosplay is an elaborate game whereby one dresses up as a character from Japanese anime and mimicks the behaviour of a completely different character.

[2] Documentary where the lens slowly pans over scenery while the narrator discusses his personal life instead of the scenery. Hence “hentai” – “talk cock”.

ボーイズ ラブ or びーえる Bouizu Rabu or BL (abbreviated for Boy’s Love)

Possible motive for Boyz Laavu

This is a secret movement in Japan to convert all males (including humans, mammals, amphibians, reptiles, etc…) into homosexuals. To achieve their goal, they spread their campaign products called “Boyz Laavu”. Boyz Laavu is pruduced in various formats, including movies, animes, games, mangas, and novels. However, all of these products talk about the love between two MALES. (Sometimes three or more males.) This movement is relatively not known to gay communities, so most members of the movement are evil Zapanese females. In Boyz Laavu, all males (including Pikachu, Super Mario, Batman, Junichiro Koizumi, Adolph Hitler,…etc…and you) are homosexuals. Boyz Laavu is also called as Yaoi in Japan.

フード Fuudo (Food)

The Japanese diet consists mainly of bio-luminescent squid, lice (pronounced “rice” but acually lice), Green Tea Kit-Kats, and beer (pronounced “beeru” 小便). The morning meal is normally rice, followed by more rice with a side of rice. Lunch (pronounced “runchi” ゲロ) is typically ramen (pronounced “cuppanudoru”) or rice sandwiches with a side of pickled mice babies. Dinner (pronounced “supah-nite-eat-taimu” 肛門) could be anything from sake, to jakku danierusu, to omelets. Omelets are strictly for dinner in Japan, because Fed-Ex deliveries from American breakfast exporters do not arrive until 6PM. When the main portion of dinner does not satiate the appetite one will fill up on whale. When there is no whale left, the custom is to go to the sea to spear some more whale.

The Japanese have taken to Western food in an odd way, modifying even the simplest of dishes to be compatible with their unique Japanese physiology (raw, noxious, salty, and “small”) and creating Frankenstein creations that are fed to TV personalities at night to orgasmic moans of “Oishii!” (“It feels like 16 prawns shat in my mouth and are mud wrestling in it!”). As a result of the diet, Japanese people tend to have a curious body odour. (Deodorant is banned in Japan, as it is considered a form of non-conformity.) Introduced in late 1940s, ice cream (pronounced “sofuto kureemu” 下痢 – the word “aisu” [ice 覚醒剤] was banned in Japan’s Edo Era, as it sounds like the verb for “love”, and using phrases of affection in public is deemed disgraceful) became an instant hit with all generations of Japanese and by the early ’50s frozen unagi (pronounced “eel” 蛇) popsicles became a mainstay of the delicatessen market. However, in recent years its popularity has been eclipsed by whale ice cream. Japanese dessert is called “bukkake” (ぶっかけ). This dessert is made out of liquified milk that is embedded inside a banana. The customary way to eat a bukkake is to rub the banana steadily and vigorously to increase its internal temperature. The milk will ooze out of the banana and squirt directly into a person’s mouth.

Tentacle-rape snacks, a traditional Japanese treat

Japanese seafood prices work on an inverted price principle whereby the more foul, disgusting, slimy, or poisonous it is — the more it costs. Savvy Japanese fishermen and their agents are constantly on the lookout all over the world for newly discovered marine monstrosities to rush into Tokyo fish markets. Mega-rich Japanese consumers regularly flock to fugu (poisonous seakitten 海猫) restaurants where, after paying exorbitant amounts of yen, they consume less-toxic portions of the seakitten which probably will not kill — unless the chef has a hangover, just broke up with his girlfriend, or is pissed off at the world that day. Fugu is part of the extreme eating movement and is one of many options available to the suicidal Japanese businessman/student. Many experts believe that eating such fare allows the Japanese to avoid farting and gives them an edge in competitive eating contests (see Kobayashi). However, it is not yet apparent whether eating such vile forms of “food” is performance-enhancing, or merely exceedingly foolish (see: lactose intolerance).

Historians consider Japanese cuisine an essential part of Japan’s warlike past in that samurai warriors, coming home from a hard day of disemboweling peasants and giving themselves silly haircuts with a katana, would take a good look at the so-called “food” on the table and immediately go to war against the nearest enemy lord in the hope that they might have something better to eat. These raiding parties would lead them to Korea, until the development there of Kimchi — an area denial weapon.

Rather than eating their meals with a knife and fork, Japanese typically use blackboard chalk (lit. “chopped sticks”) to manipulate their food until it is evenly spread across the plate, after which it is poured into the mouth. The traditional Japanese tea ceremony (Guzzo Dat Shitto Niggazu) consists of two people taking turns refusing to drink a cup of hot water until it has evaporated. Such traditions give rise to the slender Japanese physique, as evidenced by the ubiquitousness of the Japanese celeryman. The Japanese obsession with pachyderm laxatives has had a serious effect on their stature and growth rate. Those individuals unfortunate enough to become overweight are forced to fight each other on national television wearing only diapers.

If you ask for sugar for your green tea in Japan, you will wake up with your ass hurting and your head crushed in, while the offended person will call upon the weather gods to rain corrosive sushi upon the “ignorant foreign devils.” Unfortunately, tourists often ask this question, so this is normal weather in Japan.

In Japan it is polite to say “it’s a fucky mess” when served a meal. After eating it is customary to wish everyone in the restaurant, in a loud voice, “goat chiizu on slimy desukutoppu“.

フォービッデンフード Foubidden Fuudo (Forbidden Food)

Actual advertisement for whale burgers.

Whale penis: the Japanese government imposed a partial ban on the sale of whale penises. Whale penis is reserved for seriously ill medical patients who need the treatment desperately. People caught buying/selling “weiyo kokku” at fish markets are normally given a warning by Greenpeace “whitehat” squads (正義の味方). Upon refusal to abandon it is confiscated, screened, and sent to fast food restaurants to be made into “fried whale penis”. Some Japanese public schools do offer fried whale penis on the lunch menu, using whale penises discarded by hospitals. Since the meat is less fresh, the taste is considered inferior to that of whale penises sold in fast food restaurants. Anywise, the Japanese people love their penises. And vaginas.

Dolphin: Though protected by international treaty, Greenpeace, Hayden Panettiere, and animal lovers worldwide, somehow this salty and smelly sea creature finds its way onto dinner tables – usually in the form of black market whale meat. Ironically, such counterfeit whale meat is often fraudulently labeled “dolphin-safe”.

Metroids: The inspiration for the smash-hit videogame Metroid, these lovable woodland creatures are known to frolic on the upper slopes of Mt. Fuji. Although metroid-hunting is condemned by international law, many still find their way onto the Japanese dinner table, as a key ingredient of nigiri and in ometoroido-yaki stew. Prices on the open market remain high as a result of the ban on private metroid-hunting and the difficulty of the hunt itself – while many find that cracking the protective outer shell and shooting the metroid’s cerebral cortex with particle guns is trivial, strict gun control makes such equipment difficult to obtain.

リリジョン Ririjion (Religion)

The common Japanese religion, Shintoism, worships polytheistic gods known as “laptops”, or “ra-po-to-pu”. The Japanese worship “ra-po-to-pu”, because they bring the Japanese good luck and porn.

The official religion of Japan is Fanatical Extremist ANTI-KOREANISM. Which is pretty sad.

December 8, 2009

Welcome to Albania

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 11:40 am
Tags: , , ,


Attempt to explain joke
This article pokes fun at Albanians and Albania. Being the Balkan hotheads that they are, they might want to crush me. The EU doesn’t like that. Neither does George W. Bush. If you are an Albanian hothead, please be an Albanian coolhead and take this article with a grain of salt, or a slice of pizza. The main contributor to this article is an Albanian. Please don’t kill me.

Capital: Tea’-rana (de jure), Washington, DC (de facto)
Largest city: Milano
Official languages: Albanian, 117 different Albanian dialects
Government: pseudo Democratic Parliamentary Kingdom
President: Bamir Topi (Albanian for “Do-Good Ball”)
King: Berisha
National Hero(es): Skanderbeg, Mother Teresa, Barack H. Obama, Nicole Scherzinger, Rihanna (?)
of Independence: Arguably 1912
Currency: Prostitutes, crack, BMW X5s
Religion: 73% Muslim, 50% Christian, <1% Jew, 100% Atheist
Major exports: Kidneys, drugs, prostitutes, raki, stolen cars
Major imports: Everything but water and air
Favourite pastime: Gossiping, tour de raki

The Republic of Albania (IPA: al-ba-knee-ahh) (not to be confused with Albany, NY or civilization), also known as Albanistan and Albania, the place where people have Turkish names but aren’t Turkish but they are their own people under the safe blanket of the Americans, but most commonly referred to as the Glorious United State of Albania, is an unincorporated unwanted territory of the United States of America located in South-Eastern Europe, in the western region of the Balkans. It is inhabited by Albanians, Serbs, Greeks, and Macedonians, but since Albanians claim to be the oldest around the peninsula, everyone is believed to be Albanian. Word has it that they descended from the Illyrian tribes, but few people know the truth, and nobody cares. Albanians are renowned emigrants, and (anecdotally) fierce nationalists. Apparently, there are about 4 million of them living abroad, with some highly reliable sources saying as many as 20 million.

Albanians think about half of the most prominent figures in history or the media are Albanian. Thus, Alexander the Great, Mother Teresa, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lewis Hamilton, Paris Hilton (Person), Steve Jobs and – most recently – Barack Obama are all rumored to be of Albanian descent. Some Albanians think Rihanna is from Southern Albania too, but she has publically denied this on several occasions and has been quoted on record as saying they are certainly not welcome under her umbrella.

Albanians are kind, hospitable people who are very understanding towards people of other religions, mainly because they, Albanians, have no religion. A typical Albanian muslim is tipsy in the morning, just before he goes to the mosque, and completely shitfaced by the time he takes his family to the church later that day.

In April 2009, the country wholeheartedly accepted an invitation to join NATO. The prime minister called it ‘a miracle of freedom’. What he meant (if he meant anything) was not exactly understood but greatly appreciated. Later that year Albania confirmed its interest in joining the EU by officially begging applying for membership.

Present day Albania boasts very lively nightclubs, flashy cars and pricey hookers who probably don’t care much about NATO. The unemployment rate is close to 70%, and of those unemployed, nobody would take a job unless it requires no effort and pays well. Despite this, the economy seems to be doing fine and – according to the PM – the country is and will not be affected by the 2008 Global Financial Crisis. If that were true, Albania would join the Vatican, the tribes of the Amazon, and the Moon in being recession-proof no matter what.

“I gave them water, but they didn’t like it. I gave them oil, but they laughed at me. I gave them beaches, mountains and lakes, but they looked down on me. Then I sent George W. Bush, and they’re all happy now.”

~ God on Albanians


Albania has been invaded more than 93 times by some 27 different invaders from all 7 continents. Most prominently, the Ottoman Empire, Italy, Germany, the Ottoman Empire, the Eskimos, the Zimbabweans, and the Ottoman Empire. Nevertheless, Albanian history is pretty simple and consists of a mere 5 protagonists – King Bardyl, Skaderbeg, King Zog, Enver Hoxha and the Mafia.

King Bardyl

Lore has it that Bardyl (Albanian for grass-wax) had the balls to annex some Macedonian land, kill some random dudes, and form a dynasty. In what appears to be plain vanity, he named the dynasty after himself. For about three months he was the most powerful Illyrian king. Then he died. Some close relatives of his took it upon themselves to follow Bardyl’s legacy as the realest ‘gangsta of Illyria. Therefore, years later Agron united some Illyrian tribes and formed a kingdom. What happened next is excessively speculative, but thus did the history of Albania begin.


And then there was Gjergj ‘George’ Skanderbeg. George was reputedly abducted by the Ottoman invaders at an early age while playing soccer. Anyhow, he went on to become a very able and strong leader, spearheading Ottoman incursions all around Europe. One day after workout he decided to go back to Albania. Many historians believe that he was sent on a geostrategic mission by the Sultan. Others think that the Sultan wanted to make things exciting, since Albania wasn’t showing much resistance.

When George first arrived to Albania he was impassive and serious. No one really knew why. He later fell in love with a hot belly-dancer named Donika and things changed. History has it that he led some of the mightiest battles against the Ottomans. Then again, it’s just history.

King Zog

King Zog (Albanian for bird) is well known as one of the bravest leaders in Albanian history. He thought he was a descendant of Skanderbeg. Whatever.

Helped by the fascist Italy, he became President of Albania. He later opted for something cooler and declared himself King of Albania. Nevertheless, he was not so popular around and people kept trying to kill him.

When Mouse-olini of Italy decided it was trendy to invade Albania, King Zog flew away, hence his name. He never came back, though he tried to. Some Albanian taxonomists think that he was a chick, while others know of his feathery origin but refuse to comment on the species.

Enver Hoxha

Enver Hoxha was a key figure in Albania for more than 140 years, or something like that. He was a respected lunatic and megalomaniac. His childhood hero is believed to have been Don Quixote of La Mancha. Just like Don Quixote, Don Quihoxha thought he could bring down the mighty evil that loomed over the Albanian people and Albania’s territorial integrity[2].

During his reign presidency, half of the population worked for the military and the other half for military-related services. Quihoxha thought he could build the infrastructure and the military power so that no foreign invader would be able to invade Albania. Not that anyone wanted to, but just in case. Tens of thousands of bunkers were built. They were the hottest commodities in Albanian real estate because they were sturdy, and had that mushroom-y sexy-grey futuristic look. People were encouraged to live, study, teach, preach, and inseminate in these bunkers so that they would be safe from foreign aggression.

Hoxha was very emotional too. Rumor has it that he would hang any brave person that would go openly against his views. Awww. In any case, he’s dead now.

The Mafia

After Hoxha’s death, along came some youngsters with affectedly western vistas. They and some of their friends govern Albania to this day. It is believed that they have close ties to organized crime, organized governance, organized orgi…err everything that can be organized. They’re rich and powerful. No one can write or talk about them without being hunted down. Oh wait.. they might be reading this.


Albania’s climate is very similar to that of Hawaii, just with double the drug addicts and half the beaches, if they even affect the climate at all. For some reason, some Albanians think of their place as paradise.

It is common practice in Albania to pray for more rain, since the country mostly relies on its hydroelectric power to fulfill the domestic demand. It is rumoured that the government once invited all citizens to urinate near the dams in a nation-wide effort to raise water liquid levels, and increase energy production.

The Albanian climate is very suitable for old folks or asthmatics, given the stuffy, hot summers and smoggy, thick air.


Despite popular belief, there is an Albanian economy. The official currency is disappearing and it has long been used interchangeably with cars, crack, and/or prostitutes. Albanians are world-renown exporters of people, and their organs too (sold separately). Other exports include low-quality oil, high-quality pot, unqualified labor, and other burdens.

One of the most prominent centers of development – Lazarat – boasts a cannabis plantation of over 500 hectares. It is reportedly the greenest Albanian territory[3]. The region is one of the richest in terms of cars/women per capita. Consuming about 150% of the recommended daily cannabis intake, every day, they pull off a healthy lifestyle and manage to be in good shape come what may.


The majority of the population is either self-employed in drug-dealing the chemical industry, or not working. Those who are employed are usually unsatisfied and quit after some time. There are some 2000 cafés in every major city to spiritually-assist the unemployed. In a recent campaign, the government promised lower coffee prices and more coffee shops. It is said that close to 70% of the population is unemployed, about 10% work in the chemical industry and its offshoots[4] and the remaining 20% is unemployed but won’t admit it.


The country and its countrymen are very proud to offer all types of tourism: blue, green, white, and gory. Albania has some of the most picturesque landscapes and mountains. In an effort to preserve the wilderness, the government has remarkably abstained from investments of any type.

The northern part of the country is well-known for its hospitality, especially towards young Czech tourists. To improve the odds of getting back home, it is advised that foreign tourists be lightly-armed before embarking on their journey, hand grenades might be necessary too. The South has some of the best beaches[5], while the Eastern part is pretty boring and cheap.

As a general rule, tourists are not advised to talk loudly, laugh, or engage in any activity that might disturb their Albanian hosts. Violation of this rule of thumb might result in violence, rape, and/or premature death.

Tax System

The Albanian tax system is one of the most libertarian ever known. A recent poll showed that almost 90% of the respondents thought that taxes were not mandatory; the other 10% had never heard of the word. It was also reported later that the government would eventually abolish the tax law and legislate something closer to a voluntary donation system. Top donators would be given candy and little plastic badges of loyalty.

Values, Beliefs and Tradition

Albanians (see themselves) are people of high values and rich customs. They’re hospitable and friendly to all Westerners, most notably George W. Bush and the United States of America.

A very esteemed custom is that of leaving the country to go elsewhere. Indeed, so many people have left that whoever is seen in Albania nowdays, either cannot leave the country or will be leaving soon. In addition, the European Union is deliberately delaying visa liberalization in an effort to help the government keep some Albanians in Albania.

Trash Talking

Part of the tradition is a form of blindly-repeated, ignorantly-nationalistic, reciprocal obscene language and behavior towards the neighboring Serbs and Greeks. There is an unwritten rule that they are to be offended, raped, or humiliated on sight. It’s also fashionable to display fake strong nationalistic opinions in an attempt to seem as Albanian as one can get. Greeks and Serbs do their part too, and the beat goes on.

A Typical Internet Conversation between an Albanian, a Greek, and a Serb.

[[Albania|Bloody_Alboooz932]]: fukk ure mam u greek pice of shiiit
[[Greece|Achilles33-bigdick]]: albanians re soo fuckin gay omg.. dude i fuckd ur mom last night
Bloody_Alboooz932: i fukkd ur mam nd sister
Achilles33-bigdick: my dad fuckd ur cousin u homo
Bloody_Alboooz932: omfg uve so tiny pennnis…i fukk everithink that walks

Achilles33-bigdick has disconnected.
[[Serbia|SerbskiPlayboy19]] is now online.

Bloody_Alboooz932: hey pice of shiiit did ur dad fukk u lst night?
Bloody_Alboooz932: i fukkd ur mam nd sister nd cousin lst night
SerbskiPlayboy19: UR ARE BLAKK anD GAY And FUcK eech ather
Bloody_Alboooz932: fukkin racist i fukkd ur mam lst night


The typical wedding ceremony includes binge eating and drinking. After consuming some 500ml of raki (domestically-produced, strong brandy) per person, the celebrators go driving around the city, running over little children and honking loudly, to let everyone know that they’re happy and drunk. It should be mentioned that drink-driving is a time-honored tradition in Albania.

Some people are married at 14 or younger, so that by the time they’re 30 they will have been divorced and married to three other women. Birth control is not stylish, and the typical couple has an average of 5 kids.


Sports are very popular in Albania, especially sports that involve sheer strength, violence, or have no rules. Albanians are very capable weight-lifters and supposedly can shift mountains and change their landscape by manpower alone. Winter sports mainly consist of a group of people drinking raki on an empty stomach to show off their alcohol tolerance. It has been proposed that this sport be carried out throughout the year.

Childhood Games

Children are usually taught at an early age to disrespect black or queer people, and – of course – the Serbs and the Greeks. Typical childhood games include – but are not limited to – spitting, pissing, beating and swearing at as many Serbs and Greeks as possible. Top kid-players usually go on to become regional, or All-Albanian champions.

Media and Entertainment

The new generation of Albanians (those who were younger than 25 when George W. Bush visited and everyone born ever since) includes some of the most talented singers the world has ever seen. They sing of everything one could ever think of ever singing. Ever. Yes, that would include Facebook [6] and copy/pasting [7]. The majority, however, think they sing of love. Big-boobed, remotely intellectual, potheads make for some of the best entertainers in the region. Especially when they don’t talk.

Another form of entertainment – general douchebaggery – has been gaining great appreciation lately. Politicians have a knack for it. The typical program includes mass-lying, mega-embezzling, and accidental mass-murder. Fireworks, too. Viewer discretion advised but not recommended.

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