Writer's Caffe

December 11, 2009

Teletubbies

Filed under: Myths — amerkaj @ 10:08 am
Tags: , , , ,

Teletubbies

The Teletubbies celebrate after defeating rivals USC 13-10

The Teletubbies, also known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (and “Satan’s Little Cousins” to their frustrated rivals), led Notre Dame to two football National Championships between 1920 and 1924. The four were all dominant figures in their respective positions in the back-field, crushing each opponent mightily. After the perfect 1924 season, they became legends not only of Notre Dame, but of the entire United States. Notre Dame had lost only two games combined in the 1922 and 1923 seasons. Both loses came against the Nebraska Cornhuskers in Lincoln before packed houses.

//

Tinky “Winky” Stuhldreher

Tinky “Winky” was the quarterback of the team. He led the nation in passing all four years that he started. He threw a record 135 career touchdowns, earning him a Purple Heart (later rescinded after discovering that he was not actually in Los Angeles for his alleged 5-touchdown performance against UCLA). Stuhldreher, a 5-7, 151-pounder from Massillon, Ohio, was a self-assured leader who not only could throw accurately but also returned punts and proved a solid blocker. He emerged as the starting signal caller four games into his sophomore season in 1922. He was often labeled cocky, feisty and ambitious, but his field generalship was unmatched. Purple was Stuhldreher’s favorite colour and he wore purple shorts under his uniform for all 40 games he started. He often appeared in public with a cow-pattern bag filled with junk. This made the public suspect an alternative lifestyle, which led to him falling into a state of psychosis in which after he graduated he ran around aimlessly, often exclaiming “There’s a frickin’ baby in the sun!!!”. During one game, Tinky Winky was suspended for yelling “I got a gun! I got a gun!” However, Winky claimed that he actually said “I gotta have fun, I gotta have fun.” Stuhldreher was the head football coach for 11 years at Villanova, then became athletic director and football coach at Wisconsin. He died in 1950 after overdosing on marshmallow peeps.

Elmer “Dipsy” Layden

Dipsy, so called for how he made defenders feel after a crushing block, was the fullback who led the way on many option plays to touchdowns. The fastest of the quartet, he became the Irish defensive star with his timely interceptions and also handled the punting chores. The 6-foot, 162-pounder from Davenport, Iowa boasted 4-second speed in the 40-yard dash. He didn’t carry the ball often, but rather preferred the violence of blocking. He critically injured a record 15 people against Syracuse (charges were dropped). Fond of rabbits, he often became distracted at practices when he began chasing rabbits that often infested the field randomly. Layden coached at his alma mater for seven years and compiled a 48-14-1 record. He also served as athletic director at Notre Dame. After a business career in Chicago, Layden died in 1973 at the age of 70 from a combination of stupidity and AIDS.

Jim “Laalaa” Crowley

Crowley, who came to Notre Dame in 1921 from Green Bay, Wisconsin, stood 5-11 and weighed 162 pounds. Known as “Laa-Laa” for his tendency to hum spunky tunes in the huddle, Crowley outmaneuvered many a defender with his clever, shifty ballcarrying. He was the halfback who split time with Don “Po” Miller. Oftentimes, all four horsemen were on the same field for the T-bone formation, but usually it was Crowley who got the call on these plays. Compiling 1,000 yards for all four seasons, Crowley was coveted by NFL teams for his speed and versatility. In a stunning move, though, Crowley jumped the NFL in favour for culinary school. He became a successful chef at Chez Chas, but after being caught in a torrid affair with Chas, he was shamed to become the cook at Al’s Slop Bucket, a crappy diner on the outskirts of Memphis, Tennessee. It was there that he created the “Tubbie Pancakes”, which he named after his pals at Notre Dame. Crowley started as an assistant coach at Georgia. He quickly moved to head coaching positions at Michigan State and Fordham where his famed line, the “7 Blocks of Granite”, included Vince Lombardi. His Fordham teams played in the Cotton Bowl and Sugar Bowl. His overall record was 83-26. He later entered business in Scranton, Pa. Tragically, Laa-Laa died in 1986 at the age of 83.

Don “Po” Miller

Po was called such because he was so kind that people said he was “practically half-pope”. Somebody very clever then called him Po. Miller, a native of Defiance, Ohio, followed his three brothers to Notre Dame. At 5’11”, 160 pounds, Miller proved to be the team’s breakaway threat. Miller often caught passes out of the back-field, which made him ahead of his time (seeing that the forward pass was not yet legal). Referees did not care, however, because often they had money on the game in favor of Notre Dame. Unfortunately, right before the 1924 season he came down with a bad disease. He developed television-stomatitis – a condition which frequently causes large magnets to be deadly. Knowing this vital weakness, USC magnetised their stadium in Po’s last game. Although Notre Dame still won, less than a week later, Po fell ill and slipped into a coma which lasted 7 days. Miller left coaching after four years at Georgia Tech and began practicing law in Cleveland. He was appointed U.S. District Attorney for Northern Ohio by President Franklin Roosevelt. Miller died in 1979 at the age of 77.

The Great Black Teletubby

The Great Black Teletubby checkin’ out sum Playboy® bitches.
But nobody cares.
Warning: This section might contain racism.
Check the movie and report accordingly if it contains one or more of the following:
Swastikas, white robes, Morgan Freeman, South Africa as it looked in the 1970s,
Zimbabwe as it looks today,
AK-47s, Muslims, one-armed black people, fried chicken, product placement or Linux. Alternatively, run like hell and don’t go back.

Little is known of the great black teletubby, this is largely because, being the only black teletubby, he was largely ignored by the other teletubbies until quite recently. Directly following The Great Teletubby War, he returned to his hometown of Saint Paul, Minnesota, where he started a comedy club with the money he had left. His current whereabouts are unknown. The last sighting of him was in Los Angeles, giving lectures at the local elementary schools, although the sources to validate such a sighting are somewhat questionable.

The Legend

While it’s been over 80 years since the quartet played college football, their legend lives on. There may be no more recognizable nickname in all of sports than the one Rice bestowed upon the four players. That was underscored in 1998 when the USPS honored the Four Horsemen with their own stamp as part of 15 commemorative postage stamps saluting “The Roaring Twenties.” The legend of the Teletubbies will live on forever in the form of their PBS show, which chronicles the life and times of these horsemen. Unfortunately, their planet was blown up by the Death Star.

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December 10, 2009

Kosovo

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:58 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Kosovo

Serb-Albanian-European-American-NATO Republic of Kosovo

Map of Kosovo
motto “In America We Trust”
How to get there Why would you want to?
Largest city Prishtinë (English: Slum)
Official languages Albanian, Serbian, American
President George W. Bush
Area About 2,000,000 square km (Albanian figure)
0 (Serb figure)
Who cares? (American figure)
Population ?
Declaration of Independence 1991
2nd Declaration of Independence 1999
3rd Declaration of Independence 2008
National Hero George W. Bush
Religion rare pro-American Islam 98%, Jew

Yes, I'd say creating this state could be considered a political blunder.

~ Captain obvious

I think Kosovo is looking forward to a great future, just like all my other plans.

~ George Dubya Bush

Kosovo (not to be confused with humanity) is the 53rd state of the USA, which is located in the Balkans. It is home to a large amount of goats and people

//

Geography

The Kosovar people do not actually know the map of their country, hence why they put it on their flag. It is recommended you carry a Kosovo flag with you if you ever visit, because it’s the most accurate guide to the country you will ever get. It is also recommended you then carry this flag to Belgrade.

History

First there were Illyrians and Dardanians (ancient Albanians).
Then they were attacked by Slavs who were immigrating from Siberia and the Urals. These were heavily criticized in the region’s ancient version of the Daily Mail.
Then the Serbs lost their entire army at Kosovo to the Ottomans, who would rule the area for 500 years. The Serbs celebrate this as a national holiday (15th June, St. Vitus’ Day).
The Serbs have always had a claim to the Kosovo region. However, apart from assorted military personnel, there have always been very few Serbs in Kosovo, so their claims defy known logic.

People of Kosovo

Albanians and Serbs. Shit happens. ‘Nuff said.

Economy

Until recently, Kosovo had a thriving economy, which it even managed to maintain after independence. However, their economy plunged into crisis recently as their donkey died.

Traditions

Official Logo of G-Land gettin’ high Fest

Wedding ceremonies consist of downing a few bottles of strong rakia and then driving to the nearest large city (eg Rome or Milan, the Balkans has no cities that anyone gives a shit about). This is so people know they are happy. And drunk.

When a Kosovar Albanian boy is 16, he is initiated into the cult nation. This is done by removing the testicles of a goat and force feeding them to a Serbian girl. This is a sign of something, but no one quite knows what, they just know that they find it funny for some reason. A Greek can also be substituted if Serbs are not available. A custom for younger children is to burn as many Serbs as possible.

Main Events

No major sporting events can be held in Kosovo, because the country is closed once a week for cleaning.

Entertainment

WEED, and lots of it. A commok Kosovar proverb is that “weed makes everything better”. Kosovar children generally get their first weed at the age of 1, however some are already used to it as pregnant Kosovar women smoke it as a childbirth aid.

Sports

Kosovo vs. the Netherlands

Kosovar sports are not any different than European ones, except that local rules state that any sports event cannot begin unless more than half of the players are drunk, high or both. This makes ice hockey and NASCAR particularly interesting. However, this means that the Kosovo FA have been refused admission to FIFA, and Formula 1 refuse to consider Kosovo for a race.

December 8, 2009

Welcome to Albania

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 11:40 am
Tags: , , ,

Albania

Attempt to explain joke
This article pokes fun at Albanians and Albania. Being the Balkan hotheads that they are, they might want to crush me. The EU doesn’t like that. Neither does George W. Bush. If you are an Albanian hothead, please be an Albanian coolhead and take this article with a grain of salt, or a slice of pizza. The main contributor to this article is an Albanian. Please don’t kill me.

Capital: Tea’-rana (de jure), Washington, DC (de facto)
Largest city: Milano
Official languages: Albanian, 117 different Albanian dialects
Government: pseudo Democratic Parliamentary Kingdom
President: Bamir Topi (Albanian for “Do-Good Ball”)
King: Berisha
National Hero(es): Skanderbeg, Mother Teresa, Barack H. Obama, Nicole Scherzinger, Rihanna (?)
Declaration
of Independence: Arguably 1912
Currency: Prostitutes, crack, BMW X5s
Religion: 73% Muslim, 50% Christian, <1% Jew, 100% Atheist
Major exports: Kidneys, drugs, prostitutes, raki, stolen cars
Major imports: Everything but water and air
Favourite pastime: Gossiping, tour de raki

The Republic of Albania (IPA: al-ba-knee-ahh) (not to be confused with Albany, NY or civilization), also known as Albanistan and Albania, the place where people have Turkish names but aren’t Turkish but they are their own people under the safe blanket of the Americans, but most commonly referred to as the Glorious United State of Albania, is an unincorporated unwanted territory of the United States of America located in South-Eastern Europe, in the western region of the Balkans. It is inhabited by Albanians, Serbs, Greeks, and Macedonians, but since Albanians claim to be the oldest around the peninsula, everyone is believed to be Albanian. Word has it that they descended from the Illyrian tribes, but few people know the truth, and nobody cares. Albanians are renowned emigrants, and (anecdotally) fierce nationalists. Apparently, there are about 4 million of them living abroad, with some highly reliable sources saying as many as 20 million.

Albanians think about half of the most prominent figures in history or the media are Albanian. Thus, Alexander the Great, Mother Teresa, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lewis Hamilton, Paris Hilton (Person), Steve Jobs and – most recently – Barack Obama are all rumored to be of Albanian descent. Some Albanians think Rihanna is from Southern Albania too, but she has publically denied this on several occasions and has been quoted on record as saying they are certainly not welcome under her umbrella.

Albanians are kind, hospitable people who are very understanding towards people of other religions, mainly because they, Albanians, have no religion. A typical Albanian muslim is tipsy in the morning, just before he goes to the mosque, and completely shitfaced by the time he takes his family to the church later that day.

In April 2009, the country wholeheartedly accepted an invitation to join NATO. The prime minister called it ‘a miracle of freedom’. What he meant (if he meant anything) was not exactly understood but greatly appreciated. Later that year Albania confirmed its interest in joining the EU by officially begging applying for membership.

Present day Albania boasts very lively nightclubs, flashy cars and pricey hookers who probably don’t care much about NATO. The unemployment rate is close to 70%, and of those unemployed, nobody would take a job unless it requires no effort and pays well. Despite this, the economy seems to be doing fine and – according to the PM – the country is and will not be affected by the 2008 Global Financial Crisis. If that were true, Albania would join the Vatican, the tribes of the Amazon, and the Moon in being recession-proof no matter what.

“I gave them water, but they didn’t like it. I gave them oil, but they laughed at me. I gave them beaches, mountains and lakes, but they looked down on me. Then I sent George W. Bush, and they’re all happy now.”

~ God on Albanians

History

Albania has been invaded more than 93 times by some 27 different invaders from all 7 continents. Most prominently, the Ottoman Empire, Italy, Germany, the Ottoman Empire, the Eskimos, the Zimbabweans, and the Ottoman Empire. Nevertheless, Albanian history is pretty simple and consists of a mere 5 protagonists – King Bardyl, Skaderbeg, King Zog, Enver Hoxha and the Mafia.

King Bardyl

Lore has it that Bardyl (Albanian for grass-wax) had the balls to annex some Macedonian land, kill some random dudes, and form a dynasty. In what appears to be plain vanity, he named the dynasty after himself. For about three months he was the most powerful Illyrian king. Then he died. Some close relatives of his took it upon themselves to follow Bardyl’s legacy as the realest ‘gangsta of Illyria. Therefore, years later Agron united some Illyrian tribes and formed a kingdom. What happened next is excessively speculative, but thus did the history of Albania begin.

Skanderbeg

And then there was Gjergj ‘George’ Skanderbeg. George was reputedly abducted by the Ottoman invaders at an early age while playing soccer. Anyhow, he went on to become a very able and strong leader, spearheading Ottoman incursions all around Europe. One day after workout he decided to go back to Albania. Many historians believe that he was sent on a geostrategic mission by the Sultan. Others think that the Sultan wanted to make things exciting, since Albania wasn’t showing much resistance.

When George first arrived to Albania he was impassive and serious. No one really knew why. He later fell in love with a hot belly-dancer named Donika and things changed. History has it that he led some of the mightiest battles against the Ottomans. Then again, it’s just history.

King Zog

King Zog (Albanian for bird) is well known as one of the bravest leaders in Albanian history. He thought he was a descendant of Skanderbeg. Whatever.

Helped by the fascist Italy, he became President of Albania. He later opted for something cooler and declared himself King of Albania. Nevertheless, he was not so popular around and people kept trying to kill him.

When Mouse-olini of Italy decided it was trendy to invade Albania, King Zog flew away, hence his name. He never came back, though he tried to. Some Albanian taxonomists think that he was a chick, while others know of his feathery origin but refuse to comment on the species.

Enver Hoxha

Enver Hoxha was a key figure in Albania for more than 140 years, or something like that. He was a respected lunatic and megalomaniac. His childhood hero is believed to have been Don Quixote of La Mancha. Just like Don Quixote, Don Quihoxha thought he could bring down the mighty evil that loomed over the Albanian people and Albania’s territorial integrity[2].

During his reign presidency, half of the population worked for the military and the other half for military-related services. Quihoxha thought he could build the infrastructure and the military power so that no foreign invader would be able to invade Albania. Not that anyone wanted to, but just in case. Tens of thousands of bunkers were built. They were the hottest commodities in Albanian real estate because they were sturdy, and had that mushroom-y sexy-grey futuristic look. People were encouraged to live, study, teach, preach, and inseminate in these bunkers so that they would be safe from foreign aggression.

Hoxha was very emotional too. Rumor has it that he would hang any brave person that would go openly against his views. Awww. In any case, he’s dead now.

The Mafia

After Hoxha’s death, along came some youngsters with affectedly western vistas. They and some of their friends govern Albania to this day. It is believed that they have close ties to organized crime, organized governance, organized orgi…err everything that can be organized. They’re rich and powerful. No one can write or talk about them without being hunted down. Oh wait.. they might be reading this.

Climate

Albania’s climate is very similar to that of Hawaii, just with double the drug addicts and half the beaches, if they even affect the climate at all. For some reason, some Albanians think of their place as paradise.

It is common practice in Albania to pray for more rain, since the country mostly relies on its hydroelectric power to fulfill the domestic demand. It is rumoured that the government once invited all citizens to urinate near the dams in a nation-wide effort to raise water liquid levels, and increase energy production.

The Albanian climate is very suitable for old folks or asthmatics, given the stuffy, hot summers and smoggy, thick air.

Economy

Despite popular belief, there is an Albanian economy. The official currency is disappearing and it has long been used interchangeably with cars, crack, and/or prostitutes. Albanians are world-renown exporters of people, and their organs too (sold separately). Other exports include low-quality oil, high-quality pot, unqualified labor, and other burdens.

One of the most prominent centers of development – Lazarat – boasts a cannabis plantation of over 500 hectares. It is reportedly the greenest Albanian territory[3]. The region is one of the richest in terms of cars/women per capita. Consuming about 150% of the recommended daily cannabis intake, every day, they pull off a healthy lifestyle and manage to be in good shape come what may.

Employment

The majority of the population is either self-employed in drug-dealing the chemical industry, or not working. Those who are employed are usually unsatisfied and quit after some time. There are some 2000 cafés in every major city to spiritually-assist the unemployed. In a recent campaign, the government promised lower coffee prices and more coffee shops. It is said that close to 70% of the population is unemployed, about 10% work in the chemical industry and its offshoots[4] and the remaining 20% is unemployed but won’t admit it.

Tourism

The country and its countrymen are very proud to offer all types of tourism: blue, green, white, and gory. Albania has some of the most picturesque landscapes and mountains. In an effort to preserve the wilderness, the government has remarkably abstained from investments of any type.

The northern part of the country is well-known for its hospitality, especially towards young Czech tourists. To improve the odds of getting back home, it is advised that foreign tourists be lightly-armed before embarking on their journey, hand grenades might be necessary too. The South has some of the best beaches[5], while the Eastern part is pretty boring and cheap.

As a general rule, tourists are not advised to talk loudly, laugh, or engage in any activity that might disturb their Albanian hosts. Violation of this rule of thumb might result in violence, rape, and/or premature death.

Tax System

The Albanian tax system is one of the most libertarian ever known. A recent poll showed that almost 90% of the respondents thought that taxes were not mandatory; the other 10% had never heard of the word. It was also reported later that the government would eventually abolish the tax law and legislate something closer to a voluntary donation system. Top donators would be given candy and little plastic badges of loyalty.

Values, Beliefs and Tradition

Albanians (see themselves) are people of high values and rich customs. They’re hospitable and friendly to all Westerners, most notably George W. Bush and the United States of America.

A very esteemed custom is that of leaving the country to go elsewhere. Indeed, so many people have left that whoever is seen in Albania nowdays, either cannot leave the country or will be leaving soon. In addition, the European Union is deliberately delaying visa liberalization in an effort to help the government keep some Albanians in Albania.

Trash Talking

Part of the tradition is a form of blindly-repeated, ignorantly-nationalistic, reciprocal obscene language and behavior towards the neighboring Serbs and Greeks. There is an unwritten rule that they are to be offended, raped, or humiliated on sight. It’s also fashionable to display fake strong nationalistic opinions in an attempt to seem as Albanian as one can get. Greeks and Serbs do their part too, and the beat goes on.

A Typical Internet Conversation between an Albanian, a Greek, and a Serb.

[[Albania|Bloody_Alboooz932]]: fukk ure mam u greek pice of shiiit
[[Greece|Achilles33-bigdick]]: albanians re soo fuckin gay omg.. dude i fuckd ur mom last night
Bloody_Alboooz932: i fukkd ur mam nd sister
Achilles33-bigdick: my dad fuckd ur cousin u homo
Bloody_Alboooz932: omfg uve so tiny pennnis…i fukk everithink that walks

Achilles33-bigdick has disconnected.
[[Serbia|SerbskiPlayboy19]] is now online.

Bloody_Alboooz932: hey pice of shiiit did ur dad fukk u lst night?
SerbskiPlayboy19: ALBANIAN DUMMFUCK..FUCK ALBANIA FUCK KOSOVO
Bloody_Alboooz932: i fukkd ur mam nd sister nd cousin lst night
SerbskiPlayboy19: UR ARE BLAKK anD GAY And FUcK eech ather
Bloody_Alboooz932: fukkin racist i fukkd ur mam lst night

Weddings

The typical wedding ceremony includes binge eating and drinking. After consuming some 500ml of raki (domestically-produced, strong brandy) per person, the celebrators go driving around the city, running over little children and honking loudly, to let everyone know that they’re happy and drunk. It should be mentioned that drink-driving is a time-honored tradition in Albania.

Some people are married at 14 or younger, so that by the time they’re 30 they will have been divorced and married to three other women. Birth control is not stylish, and the typical couple has an average of 5 kids.

Sports

Sports are very popular in Albania, especially sports that involve sheer strength, violence, or have no rules. Albanians are very capable weight-lifters and supposedly can shift mountains and change their landscape by manpower alone. Winter sports mainly consist of a group of people drinking raki on an empty stomach to show off their alcohol tolerance. It has been proposed that this sport be carried out throughout the year.

Childhood Games

Children are usually taught at an early age to disrespect black or queer people, and – of course – the Serbs and the Greeks. Typical childhood games include – but are not limited to – spitting, pissing, beating and swearing at as many Serbs and Greeks as possible. Top kid-players usually go on to become regional, or All-Albanian champions.

Media and Entertainment

The new generation of Albanians (those who were younger than 25 when George W. Bush visited and everyone born ever since) includes some of the most talented singers the world has ever seen. They sing of everything one could ever think of ever singing. Ever. Yes, that would include Facebook [6] and copy/pasting [7]. The majority, however, think they sing of love. Big-boobed, remotely intellectual, potheads make for some of the best entertainers in the region. Especially when they don’t talk.

Another form of entertainment – general douchebaggery – has been gaining great appreciation lately. Politicians have a knack for it. The typical program includes mass-lying, mega-embezzling, and accidental mass-murder. Fireworks, too. Viewer discretion advised but not recommended.

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