Writer's Caffe

December 11, 2009

Africa

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 10:23 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Africa

Did you know…
that Africa is God’s blindspot?

Africa sad.

The only thing positive about Africa is HIV.

~ Oscar Wilde on Africa

No surprise people evolved and moved out!

~ Charles Darwin on Africa

Africa is not actually a country, but a continent. It is widely agreed to be Earth’s shittiest continent, in more ways than one. For one thing, most of the land is wracked with hunger, poverty, disease, genocide, giant bugs, giant apes and hopelessness. Also, it is caked in feces. Not a pleasant place to be, all things considered. It’s got exotic animals though. Suh-weet!

//

History

If colonial Africa had been a plate, it would’ve looked like this. Without the abundant food, of course.

By comparison, if precolonial Africa had been a plate, it would’ve looked like this. With some more fruit, of course.

The continent of Africa was first formed many many moons ago. Exactly how many moons ago is not important unless you’re studying geology, and since you are currently browsing Uncyclopedia, I think it’s safe to rule that one out.

Africa is notable in that it is the original homeland of the human species. Keep in mind that this is the consensus reached by the scientific community only. Fundamentalists for some reason do not like the idea that Adam and Eve were Africans. Charming lot, those fundamentalists.

Back at the dawn of humanity, Africa was a harsh yet beautiful land. The climate was comfortable, the Sahara was a vast grassland, and the animals were not nearly as vicious as they could have been. Gotta look for the silver lining in these things. Africa was also home to the first human civilizations, including the Egyptians and the various tribes of the West Coast. No, not California. Africa. Stay focused. Things aren’t always about America, you know.

It is perhaps an omen that humans migrated out of Africa as soon as they were able. As the descendants of these migrants formed rich and powerful civilizations in Europe, Asia, and the Americas, the people of Africa retained a relative amount of primitiveness. Maybe it was the heat. Heat does make you lethargic, after all.

The African people paid for their technological tardiness when the White Man arrived just after the Middle Ages. Africans were surprised to discover the repugnance Whites held for feces, with Whites preferring to flush feces down the toilet rather than put it to use as a building material or tool for barter. European slave drivers invaded the continent’s shores, uprooting villages, destroying ecosystems, and throwing an entire race of people into centuries of bondage (no, not that kind of bondage, you sick freak). Just think of it as the moment Africa “jumped the shark,” so to speak.

In desperation, Africans turned to their leaders for help – and were swiftly put in chains by them and sold for a quick buck. Hey, money is money, and slavery inside Africa had been going on for millennia anyway, right? Right. Now we shall not speak of this again.

As time progressed, Africa was gradually liberated from the shackles of European oppression, for reasons ranging from British overlords benevolently handing over power as a just reward for exceptional service to the empire, to French dictators tiring of the badonkadonk and choosing to focus instead on children, to German masters stripping the land of all usable resources and, out of boredom, seeing what would happen if they turned loose their uneducated, angry, and sexually promiscuous subjects onto one another with no competent leadership or direction whatsoever — the latter of which eventually progressed into the longest running joke in the history of affluent white people.

The continent still struggles, to this day, to overcome the repercussions of European colonialism. Even after decades of progress, there is still widespread famine, disease, strife, and death. But hey, you can’t blame their corrupt leaders for not trying, right? Right? Well, maybe you can.

Economy

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Nothing?

The money raised during the 1985 fundraiser “USA for Africa” benefited wildlife especially.

Don't cancel Africa's debts - consolidate them into one affordable monthly payment!

~ The World Bank on Africa

The African economy is referred to as “fecal-fiscal”. This is because most African nations’ currencies are “worth shit”. Feces has played an important role in African history. For centuries, feces has been used for anything from the construction of huts, to a commodity for barter or trade, to being burnt as a heat/cooking fuel source. In fact, it is also the staple food of the land. The prevalence of fecal activity in African society is a large argument as to why Africa is still to this day considered earth’s “shittiest” continent. Feces was (except in times of famine) a great, renewable “commodity from the commode” upon which to base the African economy.

Summary of some better-known African economic models:

  • Saharan Africa: It has, like, two people per square mile. There is no economy. At all. None.
  • Egypt: Mainly trinket-based, with a side of thievery and a sprinkling of bombs. By the way, would you like to buy this wonderful artifact stolen directly from an ancient tomb?
  • Nigeria: PRINCE AND HEIR APPARENT PRINCE OUBOUGOU AMA IWABE NHYNHUJU WISHES TO GENEROUSLY TRANSFER TO OVERSEAS THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED TRILLION TRILLION ZIMBWABWEAN DOLLARS (ZUSD. 1 x 10^26)(TRANSLATES TO USD $0.17) FROM AFRICA, INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. PLEASE HELP!
  • Congo (Both DRC and RC): Drugs, plus revenue from infecting people with jungle rot and ransoming them for the cure. Also blood diamonds thanks to colonials and posh-speaking Poms. Also, selling videos of the violence to horror film producers.
  • East Africa: Safaris. Nothing else matters here.
  • Zimbabwe: A 50 trillion zimbabwean dollars economy (translates to USD 21,99). But if you do not count the piracy, this value decreases to 5,50 zimbabwean dollars. Turns out Zimbabwe’s debt is somewhere around 200% of their actual economy…nice try though.
  • Somalia: A single $10 bill. Unfortunately it is too crumpled to be accepted by the nation’s thousands of well-stocked vending machines. Recently they have discovered the art of piracy, hoping to add another $10 bill towards the countries rising economy.
  • South Africa: Great. Unless you count the AIDS.
  • Kenya: The only known exporter of Lions and Tigers. A recent poll revealed that Kenya remains on the map due only to the song.

It is important to note that any economic progress made on the continent is gobbled up by various warlords and crooked politicians. You think you get mad when you hear that millions are spent to build an Alaskan “bridge to nowhere”? In Africa, that same sum is spent daily to ensure that the local warlord’s boots stay clean enough for his thugs to eat off of. That is, if the thugs had food or even boots, of course, which they don’t. All they have is tusks, as, thanks to the efforts of Dr. Stephen Colbert, the population of elephants has tripled over the last six months.

Incidentally, UNICEF has found that all of the food and money donations to Africa so far have been going to this one really fat kid.

Exports

A map depicting an unusually intelligent American’s conception of Africa.
  • Out of Africa (movie)
  • Asylum seekers
  • Email Scams (Mostly Nigeria)
  • Drug crime
  • Knife crime
  • French footballers
  • Violent criminals
  • Novelty “Zulu tribesman” souvenirs
  • Madagascar (the movie)
  • Africa (song)
  • Braided hair
  • Black People
  • Ebola
  • Malaria
  • Feces
  • Ivory
  • Conflict Diamonds
  • Hurricanes
  • The cool things about the French Foreign Legion
  • AIDS
  • Apos’trophes t’hat s’erve no’ purpo’se
  • Chests filled with inherited cash
  • Dirt
  • Crime
  • Gang rape
  • Slaves
  • Orphans
  • Hilarious zoophilia videos
  • Tarzan
  • Parasites
  • Bad smells
  • All-male athletic teams
  • Gruesome news stories
  • Hippopotamuses
  • The horror… the horror…
  • Chris Brown, a hypothetical creature made of genes extracted from the AIDS virus.

Government

What’s that? You don’t agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe’s official policies?
You’re trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren’t you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!

WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS! GUARDS, GET ‘EM!!!

Culture

The Ambassador of Hakuna and the State Councilor of Matata travel to the United Nations Conference in Bawin-Baway.


African culture is rich and varied, with a strong oral tradition and a wealth of artistic treasures. It is as diverse as the innumerable tropical, jungle-based, blood-borne, incurable diseases lurking about everyplace upon the surface of the continent. Of course, very few good things in Africa come without a price. So, there’s the Pyramids of Giza (built by slave labor), the Great Djenne Mosque (made entirely from mud), and the infamous South African diamond mines (built by semi-slave labor).

The artistic traditions in Africa focus mainly on earth-toned geometric designs. This is mainly because there is precious little subject matter in Africa fit for painting, drawing, and weaving. If Norman Rockwell lived in Africa, he would be an unhappy man. So would just about anyone.

Africa also enjoys a diverse tapestry of religions. There’s Islam, Radical Islam, Fundamentalist Islam, Conservative Islam, Moderate Islam, Shiite Islam, Sunni Islam, and various tribal beliefs (who in a few years will surely convert to Islam). Ancient Egyptian mythology, while no longer seriously believed in, is still ripe for making bad Mummy sequels. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a “voodoo” religion in Africa. It’s called “hoodoo”, and trust me, you don’t want to piss those people off.

The majority of American youth enjoy Africa’s exotic culture. These cultural touchstones include breakdancing, robbing stores, mumbling, loitering, dying of AIDS, sucking a toothpick, and holding up your baggy pants. The most popular African export is rap music. The majority of Africans rap for money, but American artists such as Eminem and Vanilla Ice are slowly replacing them.

Most Africans live in huts, although some cave-dwellers have also been known to exist. Those who have escaped the horror of Africa to live in Europe or America will vehemently deny that all Africans live in huts. However, this is just a ruse to try to get you to think better of them. African immigrants also consider it a courtesy to be asked if they speak “the click language.” Also, all African students ride some form of wild animal to school. Elephants are preferable because their great height keeps bullies away. Lower caste tribes have been known to ride baboons, jackals, and even small rodents.

In contrast to the rest of their culture, their language is not varied. They only have one language, Afrikaans, which only has clicky things and no other letters.

Geography

A map depicting a more typical American’s conception of Africa.

Africa is, in fact, incontinent — erm, a continent — but pseudo-Texans like George W Bush think it’s a country. To the average American, Africa has only four countries: Egypt, Morocco, South Africa and The Lion King. And if you have an email account, perhaps Nigeria. A movie nut? Madagascar and Kenya, and maybe Zimbabwe. But that’s pushing it. Of course, Americans also think that all Africans are tribesmen who live in grass huts, which actually isn’t too far from the truth.

Don’t get me wrong, Africa does have its share of cities. It’s just that they’re filled with slums, crime, feces and barbed wire. Cairo, Mombasa, Johannesburg, Nairobi, Lagos… sure, they put on a friendly face for the tourists, but get past that cheerful, sunny exterior and you find a cesspool of human failure, strife, and misery. But hey, they’ve got monkeys!

Off the east coast of Africa lies the island of Madagascar. Don’t let the movie fool you. This is not a carefree paradise full of friendly and eccentric lemurs. Well, the lemurs are true, but they’re not friendly. Neither are the insects, nor the flesh-eating diseases they carry. Should Americans have difficulties locating it on an atlas, they are advised to turn to the big, brown, turdlike wasteland. That is, of course, if they own an atlas, or if they know what an atlas is.

Like islands you’ve never heard of? Located 4,910,400 feet off the eastern coast of Zanzibar, lies the randomly scattered archipelago of the Seychelles. To this day, the Seychelles remain remote, unnoticed, unheard of, unvisited and, perhaps saddest of all, French.

Still lost? Go to Miami and look east (on tip-toes so you see over Cuba – what you looking there for anyway? (You know it’s banned!). See that big lump? That’s Africa, and Madagascar is on the far side. You can step down, now.

Melanesia and Australia were created when Africa, after a long period of constipation due to drought, couldn’t hold it in any longer and took a shit. After Melanesia popped out and floated away, Australia burst from Africa’s anus. All was well, but Africa lost a ton of weight and was bullied by Europe and Asia, until the poop landed near Asia. Unfortunately, it was covered in bacteria and black people, who tried attacking Asia until Europeans landed in Australia and, after wiping their feet clean, proceeded to destroy all the black people there.

Scroll

There is a small and remote chance, though not proven in any way, that the god Odin redundantly created the known universe using vi. The story that tells the story was found on a scroll in central Africa.

Pro and Cons

Before travelling to Africa, one should carefully weigh the pro and cons of the trip. Consider this:

PRO:

  • It’s nice and sunny
    most of the time,
    and they’ve got monkeys!
CONS:

  • Widespread famine
  • Lacks fresh salmon
  • Eventually… Armageddon
  • Rampant crime
  • Dirt and grime
  • E-mail scams
  • Traffic jams
  • Broken dams
  • Spy cams
  • Poisoned hams
  • Robert Mugabe
  • The Congo army
  • Hopeless poverty
  • No real sovereignty
  • Worthless money
  • Killer bee honey
  • Runny shits
  • Sweaty pits
  • Spiders big as fists
  • “Gorillas in the Mist”
  • Shag carpets
  • Black markets
  • Broken baskets
  • Flimsy caskets
  • Unpaid debts
  • Clammy sweats
  • Desperate migrations
  • The world’s poorest nations
  • Canceled flights
  • Bug bites
  • Itchy mites
  • Faulty lights
  • Freezing nights
  • Parasites
  • Dust mites
  • Lost kites
  • [Monsoon|Torrential rains]]
  • Backed-up drains
  • Tardy trains
  • Hideous stains
  • Rebel fleets
  • Gangster streets
  • Sweltering heat
  • “Bushmeat”
  • Dehydration
  • Desertification
  • Hyperinflation
  • A lost generation
  • Political corruption
  • Commercial interruption
  • Genocide
  • Ecocide
  • Homicide
  • Regicide
  • Toxic water
  • Getting hotter
  • Kidnapped daughters
  • Village slaughters
  • Bad smells
  • Hells Bells
  • Bomb shells
  • Prison cells
  • Hostile scouts
  • Broken routes
  • Drought
  • Gout
  • Malaria
  • Hysteria
  • Extremist sharia
  • Disaster area
  • Tuberculosis
  • Mononucleosis
  • Halitosis
  • Acidosis
  • Atrocities
  • Bureaucracies
  • Entrenched kleptocracies
  • Radical theocracies
  • Weapons caches
  • Airplane crashes
  • Ethnic clashes
  • Itchy rashes
  • Straw huts
  • Mangy mutts
  • Infected cuts
  • Rapacious sluts
  • Dead People
  • Poor people
  • Black people
  • White people
  • Unburied dead
  • Rivers run red
  • Decapitated head
  • Roaches in your bed
  • Somali “government”
  • Female torment
  • Drugs
  • Thugs
  • Bugs
  • Slugs
  • Rip-off rugs, sold to mugs
  • Tour buses with faulty brakes
  • Embarrassing tour guide mistakes
  • Stagnant lakes
  • Antique fakes
  • Poison snakes
  • Huge headaches
  • Toothaches
  • Back aches
  • Stomachaches
  • Earthquakes
  • Amputees
  • Killer bees
  • Wild disease
  • Stolen keys
  • Mean monkeys (called gorillas)
  • Mean humans (called guerrillas)
  • Anguished moans
  • Broken phones
  • Voodoo crones
  • Piles of bones
  • Yellow fever
  • Jungle fever
  • Cabin fever
  • Disco fever
  • Rickety roads
  • Poison toads
  • Immoral goads
  • Your bus explodes
  • Abused women
  • Rotten lemon
  • Abused children
  • Lots o’ killin’
  • Abused men
  • Atrocities again
  • Apes
  • Rapes
  • Apes that rape
  • Rape of apes
  • Porous drapes
  • Poisonous grapes
  • Biohazard warning tape
  • Homicidal dudes escape
  • Botulism
  • Barbarism
  • Feminism
  • Communism
  • Creationism
  • Socialism
  • Cynicism
  • Terrorism
  • Fatalism
  • Dictatorship
  • Drug Ship
  • Gunship
  • Hardship
  • Meth
  • Death
  • Warring tribes
  • Shameless bribes
  • Thieving maids
  • High top fades
  • Super AIDS
  • Army raids
  • Stagnant glades
  • Razor blades
  • Woven braids
  • Frag grenades
  • Stupidity
  • Malignancy
  • Homosexuality
  • Teen Pregnancy
  • Also, did I mention the AIDS?

Plus, the monkeys all have rabies. (And of course AIDS)

Conclusion

Africa sucks. Even fucking Cambodia comes off looking better by comparison. After reading about this dank shit-hole, it’s normal to feel depressed. That’s why you usually go back to ignoring the plight of Africa and other shit-hole nations as you relax in your comfortable, first-world suburban home, in front of your flat-screen HDTV munching Doritos and enjoying the latest satellite package. You make me sick.

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December 10, 2009

Kosovo

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:58 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Kosovo

Serb-Albanian-European-American-NATO Republic of Kosovo

Map of Kosovo
motto “In America We Trust”
How to get there Why would you want to?
Largest city Prishtinë (English: Slum)
Official languages Albanian, Serbian, American
President George W. Bush
Area About 2,000,000 square km (Albanian figure)
0 (Serb figure)
Who cares? (American figure)
Population ?
Declaration of Independence 1991
2nd Declaration of Independence 1999
3rd Declaration of Independence 2008
National Hero George W. Bush
Religion rare pro-American Islam 98%, Jew

Yes, I'd say creating this state could be considered a political blunder.

~ Captain obvious

I think Kosovo is looking forward to a great future, just like all my other plans.

~ George Dubya Bush

Kosovo (not to be confused with humanity) is the 53rd state of the USA, which is located in the Balkans. It is home to a large amount of goats and people

//

Geography

The Kosovar people do not actually know the map of their country, hence why they put it on their flag. It is recommended you carry a Kosovo flag with you if you ever visit, because it’s the most accurate guide to the country you will ever get. It is also recommended you then carry this flag to Belgrade.

History

First there were Illyrians and Dardanians (ancient Albanians).
Then they were attacked by Slavs who were immigrating from Siberia and the Urals. These were heavily criticized in the region’s ancient version of the Daily Mail.
Then the Serbs lost their entire army at Kosovo to the Ottomans, who would rule the area for 500 years. The Serbs celebrate this as a national holiday (15th June, St. Vitus’ Day).
The Serbs have always had a claim to the Kosovo region. However, apart from assorted military personnel, there have always been very few Serbs in Kosovo, so their claims defy known logic.

People of Kosovo

Albanians and Serbs. Shit happens. ‘Nuff said.

Economy

Until recently, Kosovo had a thriving economy, which it even managed to maintain after independence. However, their economy plunged into crisis recently as their donkey died.

Traditions

Official Logo of G-Land gettin’ high Fest

Wedding ceremonies consist of downing a few bottles of strong rakia and then driving to the nearest large city (eg Rome or Milan, the Balkans has no cities that anyone gives a shit about). This is so people know they are happy. And drunk.

When a Kosovar Albanian boy is 16, he is initiated into the cult nation. This is done by removing the testicles of a goat and force feeding them to a Serbian girl. This is a sign of something, but no one quite knows what, they just know that they find it funny for some reason. A Greek can also be substituted if Serbs are not available. A custom for younger children is to burn as many Serbs as possible.

Main Events

No major sporting events can be held in Kosovo, because the country is closed once a week for cleaning.

Entertainment

WEED, and lots of it. A commok Kosovar proverb is that “weed makes everything better”. Kosovar children generally get their first weed at the age of 1, however some are already used to it as pregnant Kosovar women smoke it as a childbirth aid.

Sports

Kosovo vs. the Netherlands

Kosovar sports are not any different than European ones, except that local rules state that any sports event cannot begin unless more than half of the players are drunk, high or both. This makes ice hockey and NASCAR particularly interesting. However, this means that the Kosovo FA have been refused admission to FIFA, and Formula 1 refuse to consider Kosovo for a race.

Scotland

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:52 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Scotland

Image:JockDance.gif WARNING
This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt,
drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly.
Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk.
Image:Startan.jpg
Panasonic, or is it Alba?
Democratic Republic of Jockland
Scotland
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: “Dinniae fuck wi’ me, by ‘i wi”
Anthem: Get Tae Buggery
A map of Scotland from the cutting edge cartography department at Glasgow University
Capital Edinburgh
Largest city Loch Ness
Official languages Gaelic, Jockanese
Government Media Backed Socialist European Satellite State
Emperor Alex Salmond
National Hero(es) William Wallace
Declaration
of Independence
Not Yet
Currency Empty Irn Bru Bottles, haggis
Religion Prdestant, Sodomy
Major imports Booze, Frozen Food, Drugs, Polish Immigrants
Opening hours None (Signed on)

The whole world looks to Scotland to see where civilization is going…and is deeply troubled

~ Voltaire on Scotland

Scotland (Gaelic:Scoffamarrsbar) is to England (aka Britain) what Canada is to the US, only with fewer moose and bears, It is also as the appendix is to the human body – not strictly necessary but can get inflamed, causing severe irritation, Indeed despite the Scots being the founder member of the Federation of Nations that hate Britain it harbours no hatred for Those Morris dancing sassenach bastards England. Scotland is also famous for its marvelous weather and unrivaled sporting domination of such events as Shinty and Haggis throwing plus its infamous red haired population, previously thought to be caused by genetics but has recently been discovered to be the side effects of drinking excessive amounts of Irn Bru

//

Historical Political & Existential Situation

Historically, Scotland bore the brunt of several Empires including the Swedish, Roman and English Empires respectively trying to wipe oot the backward n infamously angry inhabitants. For each empire this has turned intae a Vietnam situation as Scotland more or less developed guerrilla fighting n ethical Nihilism in these dark years. Walls were even erected tae keep oot the ‘Blue Genital Aliens’. Rape tactics were also employed tae genetically wipe the Scots oot. Unfortunately fur the invaders the Scots took these ideas on board and have launched programs to breed oot the planet; this is why most people can trace Scottish ancestry (this is also how Edinbugs ur so fuckin’ inbred).

More recently in history more attempts were made to wipe out these surprisingly resourceful people economically, Marge Twatcher used Poll Taxes and stipends to try and starve off this ‘wart on top of England’ as she put it, but this failed as well. The economic decline throughout the eighties gave birth to the “Scottish Hobos” (Trademark) and all Europe were swarmed by the alcoholic inhabitants.

Currently further issues have ensued with Salmond the Hutt being elected as First Minister (Not ‘Prime Minister’ as this would sound too English), his Manifesto threatens England with its main policy of “Pissing off Westminster”. The political policy has the newly elected Scottish National Party (SNP) ignoring the largely underdeveloped north which is now more populated by English than Scots; this is coupled with the desperate urban decay of the larger cities of Glasgow and Edinburgh and time will tell if these cities can be brought back from dissolution as well as the rest of Scotland.

It has been declared by Salmond the Hutt that when he has ‘liberated’ Scotland he will sell it to Norway at a knockdown price, and he hopes that the Norwegians will be able to turn around the failed state.

Further developments have been made to upgrade the Culture selling as much as possible out to America renewing and interest in this Country and one can tell little difference between stereotypes if you’re rich, however the underlying poverty and closet sheep buggery tell of a place far more backward than Eastern Europe.

Westminster has vowed to civilize the place, Gordon Brown the Scottish Prime minister of England has declared “Britain shall not withdraw from Scotland until a firm Democratic Government has been formed.” He also declared that England would never be free from British rule too, so he was being quite fair.

In a religious sense Scotland has been a moot point with most religious needs being satisfied by Buggery (Arse is the Altar) particularly of Sheep and poor Scottish women who have to put up with the generously endowed Scots humping them up the crapper. The Catholic Church is one such Institution along with Empires and Economists that have tried to civilize Scotland, they have failed and many feel Islam to be the answer but John Smeaton has driven the Muslims out. This leaves Buddhism as the only religion not to be ousted, so no hopes there.

God himself has spoken out saying “Scotland was a bloody terrible idea” and pointed out that Scots had invented many things of fuckin’ significant use to the world all of them alcohol based. The fact that God was hammered on Whisky was not mentioned. God has now declared that the ‘Lords of Salem’ are the only hope of eradicating this backward and altogether Heathen People.

Economy

When not busy hating all foreigners, particularly the Scottish, the average Scot can be found wandering about fields and pubs searching for more treasure to add to their medieval bank vaults. Scotland is famous for exporting many wares/foods which will inevitably destroy your body. Examples of these deadly fetishes are; any possible object being dipped into a deep fat fryer(Examples include Mars Bars and Pizzas), Irn-Bru, Scotch Eggs, Haggis, Sheep, and Rob Schneider. They also export Scotch Tape, Scotch whisky, butterscotch, and hopscotch. Scotland rarely imports goods, but on the occasion that it does it can import goods/wares such as; Electricity, Hills, Tourists, and The Royal Family (German Upstarts). Scotland also had a thriving beer and wine industry but due to the high alchohal content, was deemed hazardous and shut down as a threat to public health. The remaining beers and wines in Scotland are put towards thinning paint and processing nuclear grade plutonium. As is well known, there is no running water in Scotland, but genetic adaptation has allowed the Scots to survive solely on the artificially occurring acidity regulator, known as ‘Irn-Bru’.

Alliances

Scotland’s head-and-shoulders shot from its entry on the Adult Friend Finder website

Scotland is not currently allied with anyone although they do go out drinking and having a good time whilst watching the football (soccer for the W/Yanks) and rugby with Ireland on occasion. Generally speaking, Scotland and Ireland are chums in all things Gaelic and teuchter, both having mastered the art of supplying holidays ideal for fat Americanos. Just think of sectarianism in Glasgow as a lovers’ tiff between a married couple, or a light-hearted joke that got out of hand. Although prone to the odd bit of unwelcome sectarian chanting (and the odd chibbing), in general the peaceful folk of this quaint place leave all the real hooliganism to their bastardly neighbour England. Along with Wales, the three countries were close friends during their high school years, often being given a swirlie (full of fucking oil) by England during study periods; however they lost touch after graduation. They used to get on quite well with France, but the relationship cooled after Scotland got drunk and suggested a threesome with Norway. This proposition was referred to by historians of the time as the Bald Alliance, because it was at this time that Norway’s hair began to come out in clumps.

Though officially insisting that the decision had been mutual, after the split from France, Scotland is widely thought to have let itself go. It put on weight, took up Protestantism, and began importing even more alcopops than before, tripling what was already a world record. Scotland, the country, is not officially at war with any country, the City of Glasgow and the City of Edinburgh have been at war ever since the latter collided with the former. Huge numbers of casualties have resulted on both sides, and both cities are pale shadows of their former selves.

Mostly though Scotland does not really bother about alliances, we have unspeakable social problems, although we tend to side with whoever is against England or “tha Inglish bastards”. We have strong Economic ties with America and it is hoped they will revitalize our backward economy with their exchange students.

National Character

Typical Sco’ish people. Later in the day, knives are also worn.
File:Paintcat08.jpg

The Cat, favorite pet of Scots.

Now it’s my time to shine with these people (the English} whom technically I hate and look down on, yet I so crave their approval and validation The Scottish ”

~ Gordon Brown on becoming Dictator of England

Typically Scottish people are characterized by high achieving muscle-bound anti-social bastards, the reason for their success is not only the substantial pay off from England to stave off independence but also the motivation of the Scots which is hate and resentment, this drives them not only success at home and abroad but to a deep contempt for their fellow man. The national motto of Scotland is, in Latin, “Nemo me impune lacessit” or the Gaelic “Cha togar m’ fhearg gun dìoladh”, which translate roughly to “Yeh fuck with the bull, yee get the hoorns”.

The Scots are a strange and rather annoying people who have so little understanding of the concept of freedom that they confuse it with nationalism, or sovereignty. This misunderstanding has caused much trouble for those who attempt to co-exist with their ethnic descendants, the real Americans (wait a second, why isn’t this on Wikipedia?).

Many subscribe to the idea that the Scots hate the English, in truth the Scots hate each other far more than any foreigners.

Another thing that will strike the visitor to our waterlogged land is the tendency for Scots either to be euphoric, angry or wholly disengaged from reality (Leonidas); whether this is the ‘Illness of Scotland’ (see Below) or the concentration of insanity in the genes leaves many scientists baffled, similarly the high achievement is also baffling since the population is mostly illiterate and has low concentration span due to the terrible diets the Scots have.

The English want ultimately to be like the Scottish, the Scots however openly display hate for the English and the further north the more prevalent it is to find that to be called English or “Inglish” is an insult in itself. Of course the term “Inglish” should not be confused with “Inglis”, a Lowland Scottish term for themselves and language (barmy isn’t it?). Even the Cornish try to be like the Scots, but we hate them and we’ll only abide the sight of them when we want tin.

For all those puny races who want to be like the Scottish, they never live up to the peculiar mixture of terrifying anger and humour that characterize this people addicted to having chips on their shoulders and having the kind of misanthropy that usually is found amongst the Germans.

We also see a worship of strange garments that seem like deep seated traditions like Kilts (Skirts) being worn among the men folk, this fills the world with envy for some reason as they are dreadfully uncomfortable, why the English don the outfit at weddings is somewhat tacky, as they are chiefly responsible for trying to ethnically cleanse the Scots or atleast the bad dress – dress being a key word – sense of the Scots.

Culture and Philosophies

The First Minister, Salmond The Hutt, examines his countrymen and future appetizers.

Scottish culture mostly consists of hitting each other with different types of sticks, and getting drunk enough to sing their crappy songs. In order to do this they have developed ‘whisky’ a cross between Irn Bru and Heroine. Scottish Philisophy is mostly developed in pubs, unfortunately because of this, not many of the deep insights developed by these great minds outlast the hangover.

Musical Heritage

Scottish music mostly consists of jumping up and down while shouting,so it’s pretty much the same as everywhere else. Some scottish classics include include, ‘Oh Danny boy, why’d ya drop the soap?’ and ‘Jump for you lassies, he’s hung like a claymore’. It’s best enjoyed while drunk, in fact, according to modern research, it’s Only enjoyed while drunk. Many cats were harmed in the making of this culture.

Religion


Conjectured routes for population of Europe by Scottish tramps within three weeks of the nation’s establishment. (inset: worldwide four days later)

Currently Scotland has two religious groups that are known and originate in Glasgow – one is Celtic and one is Rangers; there is a Protestant or Catholic sense to the Football. Basically if you’re Catholic/Celtic and a girl it means that you will satisfy the Scotsman’s need to bugger (See Anal Sex); if on the other hand if you’re a Protestant/Rangers girl you try not to allow this need of sodomy to ever be spoken about. The clergy on both sides however, like the entire country, is dedicated to sodomy and thus a culture of defeat against the Scotsman’s need to bugger is created. I speak frankly of the matter because if you’re some foxy antipodean chick you need to know the truth about us and the religious needs of Scotland.

The other signs of religion you will find are that it provides the basis for Scots to wound, kill or severely injure each other. It also allows for sectarianism which means mindless intimidation of each other. Many submit that the reason why Scotland is such a small place was not the ethnic cleansing or potato famine but the sheer hatred for one another that has led to such a backward and unfortunate present day Scotland.

In many if not all ways, religion binds the nation together with its need to bugger and fight and also to drink, which is validated every Sunday at church where wine is served in yard goblets in Scotland so the Parishioners can get plastered off their faces even on Sunday.

There’re are also other religions in tiny percentages like Islam or ponce religions like Mormonism and Buddhism; members of these religions frequently complain about issues like the right to conceal oneself with towels, or even several Kippahs stuck together. The SNP under Visconti usually panders to these as it makes them look ‘Multi-cultural’ and ‘Open’. This is in no way indicative of the Scots, who are racist by nature, even against their own country.

Scottish Sporting Achievements

And I have to close my eyes

~ Morrissey on Scottish Sports

As a rule Scotland does not succeed in sporting events, as other countries don’t allow the “head butt” or “Hit and Run” tactics that embody Scottish strategy on all matters. There may come a day when the odd fluke is not the only victory – until that day we Scottish hang our heads in a deep shame. Most Scottish people support Manchester Utd. as an act of medieval fealty . Hell, even the Kenyans do it.

Scottish military

It’s simply effing fantastic that we can send those effing Weegies to kick the effing crap out of those effing ragheads!

~ The Queen on the Royal Scots Guards

Currently Scotland has withdrawn its military from active duty of defending Scotland since the English have told them not to. However many of the fine psychopathic Scots ironically fight for the English like the Ghurkas in Nepal or the child soldiers in Africa. The Tartan Army is the main branch of the Scottish army; ever increasing funds go to hiring recruits, usually selected at age five and trained up to high “Scottish” standards.

It has been announced that whilst Gordon Brown has moved English and mutant forces into the “Overlook” position at their bases as he has sent the Scots to “set aboot” the Foreigners to continue the war of terror.

The illness of ‘Scotland’

Typical symptoms of paranoia from Scotland conditions

The illness of Scotland is something that any visitor will begin to feel after spending any time here – conditions such as a debilitating sense of despair and a fear of the outside world or a general sense of paranoia are symptoms; you may also find Chips on your Shoulders. Skin ailments and asthma from the heavily polluted air may occur, and you may also find that you feel the need to shout at people or become a member of an obscure cult like the Wicca cult in that shite seventies documentary on Shetland. If you suffer from one or many of these symptoms it is a sign that you’re suffering from Scotland; Booze is the prescription cure for the condition – repeat as necessary.

The native folk drink vast quantities of Irn Bru to keep them from committing suicide. It is not recommended that newcomers try this as years of physical abuse defend the Scots from feeling the effects of Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars Bars and Pizzas. Should you be a ‘plus size’ American I would still caution against this difficult regime of physical abuse through diet and lifestyle; should you be Polish, I invite you to try it and see if the communist in you can survive it and live to tell the tale – probably not, but that’s not all bad.

Glasgow Women suffering from Scotland

There is also the symptom of Oompah Loompahism in females; a gross physical condition that affects the Scots women – orange skin and heavily died hair and a harsh masculine look. One would think that these terrible mutations are Chavs/Neds affected by Irn Bru and awful home conditions, however they often display a great deal of intelligence and some degree of understanding of the world so rare in Scotland. This symptom of the illness of Scotland primarily affects third generation ‘Pure Native’ Scots and is incurable unless from a responsible woman beater (Scotsman) who can reverse this terrible symptom of Scotland.

Tony Visconti has made his girl group Girls Aloud copy this strange condition to boost Scotland’s fame, yet even these rough lassies cannot emulate the grotesque look that these unfortunate ‘women’ suffer from.

Geology and Natural history


Geology of Scotland within the British Isles before they collided with Ireland.

According to the English and hence the British Geological Survey based down in England with a little office in Edinburgh, the whole of Scotland is composed of a hard acidic, intrusive sedimentary rock called Stornoway. Everything is the same except from Aberdeen where the granite is a silvery colour, Peterhead where it’s pink and Fort William where it’s olive green. Geologists think that Scotland has some of the world’s oldest rocks, these being the Lewisian originating from Na h-Eileanan Siar where everything is old, even the youngest people. This effectively means that everywhere in the world is made of Scotland. Despite this BGS propaganda, the geology of Scotland appears highly complicated due to numerous geologists going mental with their coloured pencils and making it look structurally complex. If you go to Northwest Scotland for example, you may find Gneiss, a rock geologists named because that’s what it looks like; nice. Unlike granite, the gneiss appears all stripy and no matter what geologists try and brainwash you into, they are really still granites, just stripy and multicoloured due to numerous years of primary school art projects over the years. This is because every village in this part of the world has a school, even if only two children live there.

As far as countries go, Scotland has traveled the faarthest. Formerly the W of Gondwanaland, it traveled from the South Pole, across the equator, past the tropics before taking a wrong turn at the Iapetus, allowing Baltica to collide into it to form England. This therefore makes Scotland older than England and far superior. Nowadays, Scotland is beginning to drift slowly northwards. Some debate that this is due to Continental Drift whereas others are firm believers that the SNP is somehow behind this.

The islands of Scotland are much younger than the granite mainland, mainly due to a period of volcanic activity in the Tertiary. During these events when volcanoes were widespread, early settlers were forced to build islands such as Canna and Uist to escape the deadly molten lava using different rocks from around the world that weren’t under lava or water. This makes for interesting geological mapping of this region. These volcanoes are now extinct from the exception of Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh and Ben Nevis.

Did you know…
Scots invented geology in 1876 with the phrase “Oi Jock, see this granite min? Ye no think the equigranular texture o’ this een is slightly different to the porphyritic texture o’ that een?

Scottish Flora and Fauna

Scotland has many well known types of wildlife which are below and also a variety of orange birds and emos, which may also be orange; possibly one may even see the rare 40 year old Goth near extinction in Scotland:

Drug Addicts

This is by far the most prevalent animal in Scotland. They prowl endlessly, barking in the streets and are accused of draining Scotland’s economy. Alex Salmond has requested Parliament authorise a cull of these creatures, however Europe (typical) has not allowed the motion. The over-breeding of these creatures is no doubt the cause of much of the urban decay throughout Scotland.

A Scottish Public Toilet

Alcoholics and Hobos are also of the same Genus, however they tend to look better and are largely unable to talk or communicate with others, The Drug Addict of Scotland, on the other hand, has been to a fine Scottish University and is able to communicate between fixes and possibly during fixes, although no conclusive study has been made as the research students fled when the screaming/barking started.

Their main hideouts include toilets and generally the street where deals can proceed openly, as the Police are usually arresting 10 year olds for possession of knives and, more often than not, pump action shotguns.

Tony Visconti says the casualties are acceptable as there’s plenty of money going into other things like Haggis factories and English run Whisky factories; therefore no need to square up to the junkies and dealers, after all “they keep the economy afloat”

The Loch Ness Monster

The inconclusive photographic evidence that persuaded the world.

Common to the lochs of Scotland for many years has been the Nessie or Loch Ness Monster, a shy and retiring creature which only comes into public a few times a year when the smell of American Dollars is carried on the wind from tourist resorts. The monster eats only American Dollars and Euros, although it is also pleased to accept most major credit cards. Frequent visitors to Scotland can elect to feed the monster by Direct Debit, and make savings of up to £14 (pounds) a year.

Prior to its flotation on the stock market, the monster was for many years mistaken for the towering mobile eye of a Martian War Machine, and caused the regular evacuation of villages — not to mention a number of unintelligible and threatening phone calls to Hollywood star Gene Barry.

Eventually the local council was given a briefing as to the difference between Fantasy and Reality. An ancient exploitate cynica capitale ritual followed in which the Scots pledged themselves to guard and exploit the monster for as much as it was worth, for the rest of their natural lives. It is estimated that the monster’s annual contribution to the Scottish economy is equivalent to the sale of forty million tartan dollies in plastic tubes.

However, Scottish Bag-of-Spanners Susan Boyle tells a very different story!!

Haggis


The naional foods of Scotland are the sausage and the bagpipe. Haggis is a sausage cooked in a bagpipe. Haggis is named for the animal from whence it comes; a small furred mammal called the Wild Haggis, with two legs shorter than the other to allow for running in circles around the hills on which they live. Haggis is rarely eaten outside Scotland because it contains a powerful cocktail of neurotoxins, hallucinogens and aphrodisiacs that only those of Scottish descent could hope to survive.

Stalkers

Typical Stalker on Byers Road, Glasgow, the ‘Nice part of Town’

This creature is usually found amongst “Middle Class” Scots who have reverted into strange existentially obsessed hobos, they prowl the streets trying to resurrect God and find more booze, often they are found in one of the many fine drinking establishments in Scotland reading a quality broadsheet (the Guardian) or bizarrely living on the streets as if they are beggars but are in fact from reasonably good homes.

Stalkers comprise a large chunk of the Scottish population and can be seen throughout Scotland with that lost dog look on their faces and a request for twenty pence. Stalkers can often be spotted by a vigilant wildlife spotter heading for the ‘Zone’, also called the off license in other places or can be seen raising money to go visit the “Zone” selling the Big Issue.

Many submit to the idea that the Stalkers are spies from outer space who need questionable illegal substances to breathe or that they are the next phase in evolution or mutations to an inferior species of humanity, or even that they are a lame stereotype from a lame seventies Sci Fi film; the future will tell what these Stalkers are on the Planet for, if anything.

White Settlers


Typical ‘White Settlers’

A new and diverse type of people are coming to Scotland claiming to feel the ‘Celt in them’ and are coming up to the Highlands to enjoy the life sapping weather and mind numbing boredom that characterise the region. I speak of course of the English, who having over-bred and ruined their country seek to come up to Scotland and recreate the hell they came from.

They plant their pathetic seeds and hope something will grow and idly make light of the weather knowing that they will ultimately have to return to their own ruined land or similar events of The Shining will surely occur in the wilderness that is the Highlands. The English go stir crazy up there without the mind suppressants and Prozac contained in Irn Bru. Usually, these White Settlers rent out their ‘renovated’ homes after six months at exorbitant prices to disenfranchised locals.

Alex Salmond has encouraged this as he hopes that the economy will benefit from the ‘development of the region by screwing the English for their money’.

Places in Scotland

It’s amazing how many cuntish places there are in such a sparsely populated and illiterate country

~ Oscar Wilde on Places in Scotland

Japan

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:29 am
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Japan

新大民主主民主主義経日本不戦民主主義経日本不済的大主主義経主主義経済的日本不主主主義経日本不戦義経日本不大衆文化帝国
Shin Dai Nippon Fusen Fuukyouuu Minshushugi Keizaiteki Happy Happy Kawaii Evilru Taishū Bunka Teikoku
New Pacifist Democratic Economic Popular Culture Empire of Japan
Image:Burn_up_JAPAN_.gif Coat of Arms of Japan
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: NIPPON BANZAI
Anthem: First Rove” by Utada Hikaru’
Capital Yoshinoya (吉野家)
Largest city Hiroshima
Official languages Gibberish (official), Japanese (national), Korean (secretly spoken to avoid national crisis and decapitation), numerous dialects of (most prominent being the rivar diarects of Tokyo and Osaka); Ainu, Okinawan, Japangrish, Norwegian, Crassicar Chinese, Chipanese, Sanskrit, Britannian, Mexican
Government Zaibatsu/Feudar-anarchist/Mathematicar Obrigation-Based Democratic Hierarchicar Autonomous Corrective
Prime Minister Herro Kitty
His Imperial Majesty Emperor-Mobile-Suit-Akihito and Pikachu
President Yoko Ono
Ethnic groups 41% Native Otakus, 53.2% Hentais (immigrated to Japan from, mainly, mars), 15% Godzilla (immigrated to Japan from the rest of the universe, minority group), 0.8% George Bush (recently immigrated to Japan).
National Hero(es) Morning Musume, Ash Ketchum, Ayumi Hamasaki, Utada Hikaru, Koda Kumi, Doraemon, Gojira, Ultraman, Kamen Rider Decade,
Declaration
of Formation
Way back when Susanoo-no-Mikoto defeated Yamata no Orochi, the first kaiju
Currency Hentai ¥
Religion Anime, Yaoi, Anti-Koreanism
Major exports Tuna, Sushi, Whales, Mercury, Soy sauce, Diapers, Tiny trees in pots, Gundam, Condensed Insanity™, Statues of Asuka Langley on the toilet, bizarre sexual fetishes, Japanese bondage, Gwen Stefani and her Harajuku girls, kawaii stuff, and sex pests
Major imports Otaku, Gay shit, Nintendo

私はオスカー=ワイルドです (Watashi Wa Osuka Wairudo Desu)

~ Oscar Wilde in Japanese Conversation Class

日本人が変態 であることは毎日新聞による捏造です

~ Mainichi lies Japanese people is Hentai

They created Pokemon

~ Captain Obvious on The Japanese

Japan is the nation that is on the other side of the world, if you live in America. It’s that one that isn’t China. If you live in China, it’s quite close. If you live in Japan, just look out of the window.

// ヒストリイー Hisutorii (History)

The history of Japan includes samurai, ninja, Mt. Fuji, anime, porn, bonsai trees, and geisha. Through paintings, written records, and other archaeological artifacts, historians have been able to piece together what Japanese life may have been like. Amazingly, it consisted of dinosaur rearing, tentacle agriculture and ancient astronauts. Confusionism from China was introduced to Japan via Korea late in the 3rd century AD. Bukkake first appeared on the Japanese mainland in the latter part of the 5th century AD. Despite the fact that many Japanese history books extol the virtues of collective jizzlobbing by native inhabitants of Nihon, ancient pottery found in modern day Disneyland suggest that Japanese businessmen and their daughters first learned Bukkake from California hippies during their summer excursions abroad. To this day, young Japanese girls spreading their forays in this delicate art, which they call “HappyHappyCameraFun!!!” to the four corners of the internet. The Japanese liked to ramble on with war and take everything from other countries nearby them, such as culture and potties. But do not worry, because the Japanese give back to these countries by raping them even more. The Japanese claims that they are 1000000000 BCE ye ol’ people (and possibly more). The Japanese also like to bitch about how their neighboring countries such as Korea and China stole many, many of their cultures back in ancient times and World War II. They were generated by some ye ol’ gods who formed the weird, sea-horse shaped island with magic salt from some dried up prune. The ye ol’ gods, called kami, liked sea-horses and liked to devour them, so they created an island with few people now known as the Japanese. Every now and then, Japan sinks into the sea, which means that the kami guys are slowly devouring their precious sea-horse island. The Japanese take pride in their history, and deny any sort of nonsense talk about the ye ol’ ancient Koreans and Chinese immigrating to their land and shaping their country up to tip-top shape with developed technology and arts in the harsh ancient times.

Japan endured a brief period of foreign rule during the 17th century when the shogunate was toppled by squirrels.

Japan is famous for complex social etiquette that doesn’t make much sense but somehow people like it and follow it anyhow, originating from when Emperor Sudoku introduced the Chinese nine-rank system and forbade courtiers from standing in the same row, column, or box as any other courtiers of the same rank. This made nocturnal sexual liaisons difficult (unless one had a Genji Glove) as everyone had to move in a concerted fashion, much as in a sliding number puzzle. Mikado of Gilbert and Sullivan employed ridiculous rhymes against which Japanese poets were defenceless. The Emperor always won. If you went against everything that the Emperor told you to do, you were going to be attacked by swordy ninjas and anime porno characters every night. The Japanese mothers, afraid that their children would be raped by the Emperor’s raping minions, told them that the Japanese Emperor was always the greatest and that he was god. The childrens, believing this, took their mothers’ advices in the most honorable way by always obeying the Emperor to the extreme and eating up all the crappy Japanese propagandas. The children also hated other races because their Emperor told them too.

Japan has been, until recently, a largely agricultural economy; staple crops include rice, wheat, barley and miso. Most of these can be bought from vending machines which is pretty pricy. You can find these delicious diet staples at the Harajuku district, where Gwen Stefani lives with her magical harajuku girls who are -in her rotting eyes and brain- invisible.

These Japanese girls were the first Japanese ambassador when Portuguese merchants arrived in Japan around 500 years ago.

Portuguese Christian missionaries came to Japan in the 17th century. The Japanese were offended by Portuguese, which they regarded as a poor substitute for Spanish, and sent Hello Kitty to ejaculate the Portuguese from Japan in the most sexually offending way.

Japan began a period of isolationism until US Navy commodore Matthew C. Perry arrived aboard the famous Black Ships. Japan: “No Perry, I don’t think I’m ready. There’s no rush is there? I mean we both love each other; isn’t that enough for the moment?”. Perry was drunk and the only thing on his mind was opening up those beautiful long slender Japanese trade routes. He replied, “Oh, that’s OK. I just thought, if you really loved me, you would do this for me.” Japan blushed and looked away, leaving the truth unspoken between them. Perry left, intent on returning next year to “just stick it in” and not deal with “all this emotional bullshit and crap”. He liked that. Oh yeah, he did.

Portrait of Matthew C. Perry

Perry returned on 15 Feb 1854, badly drunk, and he shoved a long hard black ship into Japan and they had a good time thrusting before he came on her face in the 1854 Convention of Kanagawa.

Japan, like other nations, has entered into a number of conflicts in the past, most recently World War II. In the 1930s, Japan attempted to turn Southeast Asia into an amusement park that would imitate Hell featuring natives in the role of the damned. The empire of Japan entered into a flurry of mad conquests with their national favorite Hello Kitty and anime porno characters, Their main form of attack consisting of wearing huge goggles and pulling orgasmic faces whilst flying tampon-shaped (or dildos, whichever they liked to pick) planes over large stretches of land and sea doing Kamikaze (a type of sexual harassment ritual in Japan) in an effort to piss off absolutely everyone into submission. The Imperial Japanese Army defeated colonial military forces in Southeast Asia with heavy casualties on both sides. IJA conscripts were all gays to save the trouble of “comfort women”. Japanese soldiers found themselves irresistibly attracted to native men and many of these Japanese soldiers’ wives had to cuff them to a tree branch in order to make them resist (and this is where the cuff/sex thing came from). Indescribable things took place. When news reached the USA, the puritans decided to put an end to this.

Japanese forces in the Pacific were wiped out by an all-star cast including Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. In 1945, the USA bombed Hirosammich and Niggasaki using atom bombs that killed so many Japanese. The Japanese people still talk about this to this day, but all they are really wanting are sympathy from Amerika and other-less-important-but-still- important Euro-nations. The Japanese ignore what they’ve done to many of their Prisoners of War, captured Koreans, Chinese, Vietnamese, Fillipinos, etc., etc. The Japanese then became peace-loving businessmen making affordable automobiles, consumer electronics, pocky, coloured TV, pollution, Hello Kitty anal love beads, and anime porn.

China and Korea continued to demand a formal apology – during WWII, six-legged vaginas with tentacles were created by Japan and given as ‘gifts’ overseas. Tragically, they went “berserk” and raped at least 20000000 people to death.

WWII is given a somber and objective treatment in Japanese history textbooks. You don’t want to read it while you sit on one of those magical Japanese toilets that cleans and flushes itself while butt raping you. The textbook itself will rape you as well. For an example of this, see World War II.

ガバメント Gabamento (Government and politics)

The Japanese government consists of 5 members in a governing senate. They are dressed in traditional attire, consisting of tights in various colors and a modern helmet with a plastic or metal plate of some sort that covers the face. The record of their history is known as sentai. One of them is designated their leader, and usually clad in red, but this can vary according to rules of succession. In times of crisis and martial law, they take part in defending the country. Only the most elite warriors may be assigned this task. They pilot one large robot each, capable of fusing with others to form Megazord (previously Voltron). The leader’s robot is usually more powerful, or larger, but that fact usually does not play a role in battle. Plans are underway to reduce the governing body to 3 members and rename the robot GekiToja – proposed slogan: “Shine on! Mighty Municipal Guardian 5! We rokuuu!!!”

This governing system has influenced those of other countries (ex. France Five in France, Power Rangers in U.S.A.).

For the day-to-day fighting of evil, Japan has a police force consisting primarily of an extensive magical girl program.

The legislative branch of the Japanese government is known as the Diet because of its role in selecting foods; these foods are then used to settle civil disputes through elaborate “kitchen battles” (see Iron Chef).

There are also contemporary theories which posit that evil whaling-videogame conglomerate Kona-Mi, oft-criticized for its ruthless draining of the planet’s resources and for its overall evil nature, secretly controls all of Japan. See Kona-Mi for more details.

Citizens, unite! Come to the light - Makkō-Kujira (sperm whale) energy. Power is truth. Kona-Mi is the future. Real happiness can be found in obedience to the company.

~ Recent statement on NOK TV

People, please ignore the last sentence. Kona-Mi, Inc. does not own Japan, and does not spy on you when you are sitting on your toilet. Please go back to your normal lives.
- Love, CEO of Kona-Mi, Inc.

~ Addendum to TV statement

ナショナル フラッグ Nashonaru Furaggu (National Flag)

The Japanese flag holds the Guinness World Record for World’s Second Most Burned Flag.

Japanese flags are, apparently, VERY tasty.

The flag of Japan is called the Hinomaru (ナプキン, Old Sanitary) and represents what an anus might come to resemble if a guy sticks into it one of the sharper rocks on Mount Fuji. The disc in the middle used to be white but that was changed when a Romanian inflatable raft, red in color, invaded the country thinking that Japan was surrendering. Since the wise men of Chelm were in the country trying unsuccessfully to persuade all anime characters to convert to Judaism, they saw this raft, figured that it had something to do with the sun, and since the Japanese worshipped the sun, they suggested that the raft be made part of the flag. The wise men of Chichibu, who were about as wise as those of Chelm, agreed. In spite of this story, some scholars believe the flag represents an obscure candy called the ‘dingu-dongru’ back in the ye ol’ ancient Japanese times.

ロー エンフォースメント & ミリタリー Roo Enfousumento & Miritarii (Law Enforcement & Military)

Main article: JSDF

Hello Kitty AR-15, Japanese army standard issue.

The Japanese military is called the Japan Self-Defense Forces (JSDF). In the event of war, the JSDF’s pledge specifies that they will not attack first but will keep Koreans out of their sea-horse shaped country anyways. The JSDF maintains a high level of combat-readiness by defending Japanese cities against kaiju attacks – mostly by giant crabs which inhabit the many meteorites that fall on Japan per year. Japanese forces are trained to attack the giant crabs’ weak points for massive damage. The JSDF currently consists of giant robots called Transformers, magical girls in sexy thongs and wavy wands, ninjas with kick-ass jutsu techniques, supreme martial arts champions, vampires, vampire hunters, cute bioengineered/cryptid animals, Son Goku, and space-faring bounty hunters.

Traditional weapons platforms were phased out in the 1950s due to their inadequacy in dealing with building-sized robots, demons, and mutants that threaten Japanese cities, especially Tokyo. Instead, the JSDF employs anthropomorphic giant robots, complete with human-looking faces capable of facial expressions. Bipedalism allows the robots to traverse the rugged mountain terrain in Japan – an ability of questionable usefulness in flat urban environments. The robots are piloted by teens, specifically those in the midst of puberty.

Godzilla and his friends planning to attack Japan, JSDF will defend the nation with no more than 50’000 casualties as usual.

Japan does not have a standing giant robot battalion at the moment. The robots are used as ordinary vehicles until war or a state of emergency is declared. The vehicles will then transform into robots or merge to form gigantic robots. This function is standard on all Japanese cars, superbikes, aircraft, watercraft, and some buildings.

Those without the requisite amount of mental entropy to pilot giant robots are given support roles as magical girls. Boys accepted into this program are given sexual reassignment surgery and rebranded as futanari. Magical girls wear sailor uniforms as a homage to the legacy of the navy. They are imbued with special powers that include brief nudity while transforming into a more powerful being. Easily demoralized due to their age and the fear of looking fat, they are supported by an adorable but fear-inspiring animal companion.

Characterized by their marketability and horrifying cuteness, these small animals form the moral backbone of the JSDF. They take part in all levels of combat and support, including propaganda and diplomacy. e.g. Hello Kitty is the Japanese ambassador to China. But quite a few high-ranking animals have been accused of misconduct in recent years, most notably Mashimaro for alcoholism.

Hello Kitty Armoured Fighting Vehicles and Japanese soldiers.

Vampires have the highest potential combat-effectiveness of all units, due to superhuman intelligence, speed, and strength; they are also invulnerable to conventional weaponry and can manipulate enemies’ thoughts. Their mortal enemies are vampire hunters, who are often half-vampire also. The JSDF solves this problem by telling vampire hunters that they are actually vampires.

The anti-smoking ninjas are one of the prominent militant groups in Japan. While not allowed to kill by the code of Bushido (オウム真理教), they are authorised to accost smokers and issue smoking tickets. The default penalty for smoking in an anti-smoking ninja zone is removal of a finger, but the penalty can be commuted to a full day of unpaid labour as a hosuto.

The JSDF reportedly tried to develop a J-Pop-powered orbital directed-sound weapon, designed to play annoying songs at enemies until they surrender. The idea failed because scientists realized that people would rather kill themselves.

Lately, war broke out between Japan and the Antarctic Alliance. Japan claimed a scientific right to kill a quota of X,XXX whales in Antarctic waters. The Emperor of the penguins refused Japan’s demand because killing whales in the Antarctic would lead to the collapse of the region’s whale bukkake porn industry. The Japanese nuked a lolpenguin city and let PETA loose in Antartica, wiping out many land birds, dromaeosauridae, and EBEs. The penguins responded by invading Japan, which allied itself with Greenland and Iceland. The Greenlanders scoffed, saying, “We don’t even have a fucking army, how are you going to defeat us?” Then they learned penguins eat people, to which Greenland’s queen said, “That is just stupid.” Both Greenland and Iceland immediately surrendered. The penguins promised not to bother invading Greenland or Iceland.

At the Battle of Osaka Bay, the penguins along with their Hungarian, Bolivian and Kryptonian allies claimed victory by dressing up as Pokemon, which had a zombifying effect on the Japanese troops, following which they blew the little suckers to bits and ate them. Shocking, but not as titillating, was the Pentagon’s recently announced procurement of ~13,000,000 gallons of white paint and ~2,500,000 snow uniforms.

ミリタリー Miritarii (Military)

The military of Japan is an army. Trained to shoot really small hamsters out of tvs they have protected Japan from its samurai and shogun. The current leader is Satoru Iwata. He is renowned for having lost almost all of Japan’s territory to the Diet separatist army. He is now ruler of the Tokyo desert. Typical weapons of the military are Pikachu tanks, Naruto aircraft, BOJ-type cannons and the ballistic missile, “Ikan no I (遺憾の意, Expression of Regrets)”.

Apparantly the japaneese “Self Defence Army” (自衛隊) in Korean language is the synonym for “group of masturbationers” (自慰隊) Annually around 20,000 officers are submitted to disciplinary actions due to lewdness. At the same time, Ministry of Defence of Japan had no comments and a right-winged dude, a cartoonist self-styled onlooker, made an excuse that the phenomenon was equivalent to taking Copyright for Coffee Light.

ジオグラフィー Jiogurafii (Geography)

Scenery of Kyoto

Future Capital, the City of Mt.Fuji

An island nation, Japan is isolated from its neighbors – Russia, Korea, Hyrule, Ivalice, and Mainland China by the Sea of Japan (also called the Korean Sea by rabid South Korean jingoists, like the 2002 Warcraft 3 champion Kim Jong-il, who persistently derides the console-loving Japanese who “will never understand the true beauty of even Starcraft”). This has caused Japan to form its own unique language, culture, and customs, but only after China became too large to raid every time the ninja were in a bad mood. However, these customs are viewed with disgust and suspicion by its neighbors, as they are freakish and incomprehensible, inspiring both furious masturbation and unspeakable nightmares of porn and forced sex porn.

The physical geography of Japan is characterized by upheavals and depressions. Because so much of the land mass is mountainous, 94% of the population is forced to live on mountaintops so that the limited amount of flat land can be used for cultivating indigenous monsters.

Cloud over the Japanese archipelago

I BUTTRAPE U ^_^

Japan has a high percentage of mountainous terrain, much of which is covered by forests and woodland inhabited by a diverse variety of fauna, divided into three categories: kaibutsu, kaiju and poketto monsuta. Some are featured in videogames while others are a part of everyday life.

Tokyo Government Buildings

Lying on a fault line located on the shell of a huge deceased prehistoric turtle, Japan is vulnerable to natural disasters, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, tornadoes, avalanches and stock market crashes. The current capital city, Takeshi’s Castle, has been destroyed and rebuilt by giant robots no less than 3 times. In addition, because Japan is a nation of reprobates, they are subject to a litany of non-geological disasters, such as Crustacean Based Monster Attacks, meteorites, and terrible evening dramas. God also blighted the Japanese populace with reduced height and breast size, as per the Pope’s request. Said incident arose when former Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi mistakenly ejaculated all over a statue of the Virgin Mary (see: Sticky Mary Incident) – bukkake is a standard practice in Shinto rites.

“You mean mutant ninjas?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Japanese

No....you see Oscar.....there was a bomb.....an atom bomb.....it made them mutant.....and now we have....a crime scene.

~ David Caruso on CSI:Nagasaki

“In fact the whole of Japan is a pure invention. There is no such country, there are no such people.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Japanese

The Japanese populace and government are very focused on preserving their natural resources and environment. The effort to reuse and resell panties, in particular, is admirable and is estimated to cut usage of textiles by nearly 45% the G7 nation average (normalized). The prime importance of this initiative is evident from samplings of Japanese media and culture. The Japanese also make use of renewable energy sources such as whale oil, whereas the West uses fossil fuels which take thousands of years to regenerate, and require the invasion of Middle Eastern countries to obtain. Westerners have, in the past, hunted the tastiest species of whales, only to send them to Mars.

ランゲージ Rangeeji (Language)

The Japanese language is essentially Engrish pronounced incorrectly. To help disguise this fact, the Emperor ordered the Japanese to stop writing entirely in romaji (Roman letters) and switch to writing most words using Chinese characters. The occasional use of romaji in the language today hints at the Engrish origins of Japanese.

Japan is a queer written language made up of Kanji, Hiragana and Katana. Katakana is reserved almost entirely for old Engrish-derived words that did not get displaced by Chinese characters. Japanesians carve stylized Hiragana in the flesh of sworn enemies during periodic honor duels. It makes it easier for them to kill their enemies and perform sepukku. This angular writing style known as Katana stems from the limitations of Japan’s most-used writing implement, the razor-sharp hattori pwnzor. Similarly, Kanji (simplified Chinese ideograms) is used very often in written Japanese – most words in Japanese are derived from Chinese roots. Japanese can be considered a combination of Chinese and Engrish, with a confused grammar in the likeness of Korean and similar Korean words. In other words, Japanese is copy off of Engrish(US), Korean, and Chinese. This is not the case of plagerism. This technique in Japan is highly popular and is called, “Kurushi Kawaii Shimada Sashimi Shinto Buddah Sashimi STI Urusei Crappu,” or in Engrish, “Ripping the tail out of a Tiger’s bum-bum.”

コモン ユースフル ジャパニーズ フレーズ Komon Yuusufuru Japaniizu Fureezu (Common and/or Useful Japanese Phrases)

The art of hitting on chicks in Japan is called "nampa" in Japanese. The concept of copping an unwanted feel on a woman is called "chikan". The idea of an older salaryman dating a young girl (often high school, sometimes junior high, and even elementary children regardless of their gender) for sex in exchange for money and gifts is called "enjo kosai". I tried looking up "ladies first" in my Japanese dictionary, but it gave me back "ladies first" in English.

~ gaijinsmash.net on useful Japanese words and phrases

Hello. Dear mother Junichiro Koizumi and father Hirohito say:
“Study quickly and make wonderful of Dai-Nippon known to gaijin!”

Here are some of the more commonly used Japanese phrases.

  • Hello こんにちは konnichiwa
  • Goodbye(for other) さようなら sayonara
  • Goodbye(for friend) お疲れ様です otsukare-sama death
  • Yes そうですね! Sōdesune!
  • No そうですね… Sōdesune…
  • I’m sorry すみません Sumimasen
  • Excuse me すみません Sumimasen
  • Thank you すみません Sumimasen
  • 10,000 years for the Emperor Hirohito! 天皇万歳! I did him in bed and cumed on his face!!!!!!!
  • Harakiri 切腹 Seppuku
  • Kamikaze 特攻隊 Tokkou tai
  • Bush アホな大統領 Aho na Daitōryō
  • Idiot President ブッシュ Busshu
  • Thank you very much, Mr. Robot. ドーモアリガトー、ミスターロボト Dōmo arigatō, Misutā Roboto.’
  • The “screw you” was implied. 「ファッキュー」という意味で解釈してほしかったけど。 Fakkyū toiu imi de kaishaku shite hoshikatta kedo.
  • The toilet recommended America Town! トイレはアメリカタウンを勧めてくれたんじゃ! Toire wa Amerika Taun o susumete kuretan ja!
  • George Bush sucks!!! ジョージブッシュっサクラ!!! Jōji Busshu sakura!!!
  • My hovercraft is full of eels. 私のホバークラフトは鰻が一杯です。 Watashi no hobākurafuto wa unagi ga ippai desu.
  • Furthermore sexy that at all you cannot say pushing the rear end between we crotch, adjusting to the rhythm, rub.. そのなんともいえないセクシーなお尻を俺の股間に押しつけてリズムに合わせて擦りなさい。 Sono nantomo ienai sekushii na oshiri wo ore no kokan ni oshitsukete rizumu ni awasete kosurinasai.
  • I wash myself with a rag on a stick. 俺は棒に結び付けたボロで自分を洗うぞ。 Ore wa bō ni manabitsuketa boro de jibun o arau zo.
  • All your base are belong to us. 君達の基地は、全てCATSがいただいた。 Kimi-tachi no kichi wa, subete CATS ga itadaita.
  • We are all fuzzy robots. 私達は皆毛羽立ったロボットである。 Watashi-tachi wa minna kebadatta robotto de aru.
  • I hate myself and I want to die. 鬱だ、死のう_| ̄|○ Utsuda, shinou _| ̄|○
  • I will decide appropriately when to visit [Yasukuni Shrine]. (靖国神社に)いつ行くかは適切に判断する。
  • [Yasukuni Jinja ni] itsu ikuka wa tekisetsu ni handan suru.
  • Privatization of the postal service ザーメンがば飲み Zaamen gabanomi
  • The earthquake resistance figure forgery issue 耐震強度偽装問題 Taishin kyōdo gisō mondai
  • Do you have any hentai? エロ本持ってへん? ero-hon mottehen?
  • I’m going to the hospital. 私は病院へ行きます Watashiwa byoin e ikimasu.
  • Silhouette シルエット Shiruetto
  • Serious, mystical and dubious 神妙不可思議にして胡散臭い Shinmyo fukashigi ni shite usankusai
  • Friend 強敵 Tomo
  • 1:one 一 壱 市won
  • 2:two 二 弐 煮too
  • 3:three 三 参 酸fweeeeeee’
  • 4:four 四 肆 死fweeeeeeowwwwaitttimeanufuor
  • 5:five 五 伍 碁faivuuuuuson
  • 6:six 六 陸 録sixsun
  • 7:seven 七 漆 質citi(-zen)
  • 8:eight 八 捌 蜂hatch
  • 9:nine 九 玖 旧q,cue
  • 10:ten 十 拾 銃jew
  • 100:hundredten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten
  • 1,000:thousandsen(-sor),cen(-ti)
  • 10,000:ten thousandsman
  • 100,000,000:hundred mirionsoak,auc(-tion),oc(-tpas),ok(-ra)
  • I 自分 jibun
  • You 自分 jibun
  • F**k you このくそバカたれ! kono kuso bakatare
  • Can I speak Japanease? きゃんあいすぴいくじゃぱにいず? Kyan Ai supiiiiiku Japaniiiiiiiizu?
  • I am a fish. 俺実は魚やってん Ore jitu wa sakana yatten.
  • All hail Britannia!! オールハイルブリタニア!! Ooru hairu Buritaaaaania!!
  • All hail Japan!! 日本ゼンザイ!! Nippon Banzai!!
  • I go to a f**king party without pants. ナッシングパンティーでファッキングパーティー Nasshingupanty de fakkingupaaty.
  • A small horse. 万ッシング Tai Ni Po Ni
  • My name is Haruhi Suzumiya. 只の人間には興味ありません。 Tadano Ningen-niha Kyoumi Arimasen.

ファン ファクト Fan Fakuto (Fun Facts)

  • Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “thank you” is “three nine” (san kyuu 三九)
  • Other Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “you’re welcome” is “don’t touch the moustache” (do itashimashite 口髭を触るな、タコスケベ)
  • Yet another Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “Ssangyong”, a Korean SUV, is “three four” (San yong 三四) (say it fast and you’ll think you hear the g in the middle). This number is also equivalent to how many yen some Japanese think it’s worth. In Thai “Sa Yong” means “Scary”.
  • Other Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “excuse me” is “sumimasen”. In Thai “su mee ma sen” means “buy a string of noodle”.
  • Additional Fact that is Fun: The Japanese name for April is, translated, Fourth Month. Ironically, the word for “four” is similar to the word for “death,” making April – a month widely considered to be the first month of Spring, which is also widely considered the season of life – the month of death. This is why the Japanese die a lot on April, but have lots of babies on April, and consider their favorite flower, Sakura. That is why many Japanese girls’ common name is Sakura.
  • Final Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for “I’m okay” is daijoubu. Taking the characters separately as “dai-jou-bu” it can translate to “big-length-husband”.
  • Actual Final Fun Fact: Adding the sound “bay” to the end of any word means “fart.” (Totally true.) “Tokyo-bay” means “Tokyo fart”. “Sushi-bay” means “raw fish fart”. (Tasty.)
  • Fictional Fun Fact: Godzilla is a vegetarian… just like Hitler.

**Note** Almost any question asked of you in Japanese, and certainly those mentioned above, can be answered satisfactorily with the following words: Ah, so desu ne. However, this MUST be said with a look of absolute contemplation upon one’s face. To not do so is a GREAT offence and may even be punishable by death (please refer to the section entitled “Proper Greeting”).
**DID YOU KNOW THAT** In great expectation of future technologies SMS and IRC, the Japanese had their alphabet include the ツ, シ, ノ, ン and ソ emoticons. The latter three emoticons are now partly obsolete, since there are no more eyeless people nor cyclops in Japan since World War II. They are now used to represent blind and partially blind residents. Because the Japanese were always happy, they included no other emoticons in their writing. Even when they get decapitated.

**Side Note** If you have in fact read all of the above you will now suffer the immense pain of kittens happily eating playful toys I mean BRAINS

科学技術 Scientzu and technorogii (Science and technology)

The final evolution of the basic toilet design is popular in Japan.

Japan invented the wagon early in its history. Oh yes, they did in very brilliant fashion. But since ninjas preferred to run or fly(although a ninja named thomas was to fat to run or fly), the wheel was quickly forgotten until gaijin brought rubber tires that burned on the asphalt and vaginas to Japan in the 19th century.

The 13th century is famous for the Human Bullet Train and the jet-powered bottleship

The history of modern Japan dates from the invention of the flush toilet. The inventor, Chisai Shittaki-Sutupedfuuker Surippa-san, was awarded the Deming Prize and is a folk hero in Japan. He is the patron saint of electronic products and large feet.

People can do all their work on the toilet thanks to new technology.

To this day it is nearly impossible for people in Japan to own a real pet. Most dogs, cats and other small creatures are no match for packs of feral ninja that lurk in wait of something. Reports have been made of robodogs being killed by ninja in Yomomma district.

Japanese R&D focuses on the high-tech multi-function sitting toilet. Nobody except the Swiss have any idea why they enjoy making toilets like Swiss-army knives, but they do. Japanese toilets are so versatile that new apartment units now consist of only a lavatory. Most coffin hotels replaced older coffins with the toilet cube – a high-tech toilet inside a cube of vitreous china. It has ~1/3 the footprint of coffins. It replaced cubicle farms in Japanese office buildings.

On a related matter, there are rumours of demon toilets that take over people’s minds.

デモグラフィク Demogurafikku (Demographics)

Explaining the Japanese point of view on the Korean people. In Japan, all students must take Anti-Korean & Anti-Chinese education. In return, Anti-Japanese theory and education is taken in China and Korea, whcih is also the anthem of these countries.

This typical Japanese guy lost his beautiful Japanese flag sticker from his chest. If you found his Japanese flag sticker, give it back to him!(Because unless you’re Japanese, you won’t need his Japanese flag sticker.)

Japan is an island country with a large male population composed almost entirely of ninjas.It is ranked as the most lecherous country in the world, where most housewives, schoolgirls, or office ladies are daily raped by old men (retired former pedophilac-ninjas) or fifty foot tentacles. In general, Japan lacks many natural resources other than perverted old men. The average height in men in Japan is 2’4″, but sometimes, in the case of the sumoru wrestlersu, this can reach the impressive height of 2’8″. These “Giantos” as they are known in Japan, are revered as gods among the population, and are showered with gifts on special days. They were also the inspiration for Godzilla, a movie which became a smash hit in most countries outside of Japan. But the Japanese themselves found it extremely patronising, as they felt it portrayed their sumo wrestlers as savage beasts. The Japanese are also known for not dying when they are killed. Alternatively, the Japanese are born dead, and as such, they must prove their worth to be able to live.

Rape-ninjas in Japan are bound by honour to ravish no less than 20 unfortunate females a day. (Tip: Refrain from trying to stop groping on trains, as this is generally enjoyed equally by the ninja groper and the female gropee.) Market research shows that photo-taking and video-recording devices are intensely popular with Japanese men. It is a popular stereotype among people from other countries, that most Japanese are taciturn or soulless; some doctors say that this may be due to an “abnormal ardor of blood-flow to erogenous zones” that occurs specifically among Japanese people. Japan has one of the highest rates of priapism in the world. It is seen by rape-ninjas as a commonly occurring occupational hazard. Treatment for priapism in Japan is similar to the treatment for nicotine addiction. Doctors normally prescribe softcore pornography. Few doctors, however, prescribe pulsating cobra hearts for priapism treatment. It is common to see decapitated Mongolians for sale in hospitals.

Japanese people when nobody’s around.

Hayao Miyazaki when nobody’s around. This man has co-directed 4 recent Roman Polanski flicks.

The remaining population is equally divided between lolita schoolgirls, J-popu singers, roninu samurai, pokemonu, kitsune, Erubisu impersonators, and Gundam pilots. There are more, such as the true native Japanese tribes, the ignored poor commoners back in the good ol’ ancient Kamikaze-Japanru days, and decedents of many Koreans, few Chinese, and Taiwanese forcefully pulled out from their own contries long, long ago back in so many eons ago but no one gives a crap about them anyhow because the world is all just too darn ignorant. All Japanese people are capable of going Super Saiyan (just Levels 1 and 2) and destroying everything in a 1 kan radius (68,000 km). Most kids aged 14-22 look nearly the same; the only thing separating them is school uniforms and out-of-this-world haircuts (e.g. ~5 kg of goopy wax and various toilet cleaning products). All girls have tremendously nice figures and pride themselves in nothing more than providing gratuitous pantyshots at all times of day regardless of the situation. All boys have the effect of chick magnets and usually have at least 4 girls fighting over him (although a boy often looks like a girl and acts like one as well). The most common hobby of all kids in Japan is to drive around in ~150 feet-tall mecha with ULTIMA-BUSTER CHO-MEGA PARTICLE CANNONS and fight whatever POP-UP-OUT-OF-NOWHERE-BADDIES-ALIENS-WTF-CRAP happens to be lurking around. To pacify the children of Japan, the US government demanded after WWII that they spend the greater portion of their waking life watching anime to quell their rage and enter a state of eternal bliss (see: Pikachu seizure). The Japanese are hardy folk, having developed special powers against the various monsters that plague the region.

Many people have noticed that Japanese people will often talk to each other without making a sound, but then the sounds suddenly appear when they stop talking. Do not be afraid, this is perfectly normal and Japanese.

This is a classification of Japanese girls by Japanese prefectures (which is very similar to the states in US, or provinces in Canada). For example, if a Japanese man says that “I like Osaka girls”, every Japanese will think that the girl under “OSAKA” label. However, these girls are drawn by Japanese geography Otaku to describe the stereotypes of Japanese areas. The actual girls in reality may be significantly different.

For some reason, the Japanese always come up with new ways to do useless things. Since they are perfectionists, you will often find them trying to find and document the myriad ways of doing mundane tasks. The lost art of erebe-ta-do (エレベーター道), otherwise known as the art of pushing elevator buttons, is one such pursuit. The complex art and finesse of pushing elevator buttons takes many years to master. A 10th Dan elevator black-belt can push the buttons in such a way that can make the elevator do more than it was intended to, such as produce lemon and grape snowcones during summer.

Another art in common use today is the Japanese business management art of kakunin-do (確認道、あるいは過労死), or the art of checking things. Due to Japan’s economic success, kakunin-do was studied by the management of many Western companies and implemented for a while until Western managers started dying from the utter monotony.

A typical artisan of kakunin-do studies the five eternal principles of the way of kakunin. These are: Over-checking, Distrust, Dodging responsibility, Indecisiveness, and Postponement. A true master of kakunin-do will politely inundate his subordinates with requests for checking, and other seemingly benign comments, until nothing ever gets done. This results in the celeryman underlings having to work long hours of unpaid overtime with no progress on the business project ever being made. Most celerymen do not survive, and instead turn into undead zombies capable of no more than obeying an instinctive lust for seijin manga. Japanese businesses openly acknowledge that they profit from robot and zombie labor.

カルチャー Karuchaa (Culture and recreation)

All Japanese children are taught to hate China and GOOKS and that Nanjing massacre and holocaust are fictional stories invented by Steven Spielberg.And thay use God as their endorser!!

Japan has a fully modern infrastructure but many cultural traditions remain as a crunchy layer under the creamy Western frosting.

Kyoto is the cultural capital of Japan. Previous ones were overrun by oversized deer named Godzilla #2, most notably Heijo-kyo (modern-day Nara).

The abundance of deer is due to the Shinto teaching that all things in Nature contain a spirit, or “anima”, and cannot be killed, except cetaceans, foreigners, and fugu.

Osaka is an ancient underwater city and the birthplace of Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement. Ikebana can cure insomnia.

The National Diet of Japan is based on European parliaments with some Japanese quirks. Under the constitution at least one session of the Diet must be convened each year. The Emperor opens every session of the Diet by reciting a poem outlining the government’s plans for the upcoming year. Traditionally, at the closing of the session, delegates have tea and makkoukujira while the Emperor has tea and shironagasukujira.

A common misconception is that haiku poetry originated in Japan. Buddhist monks brought haiku to Japan from China, together with dodoitsu, nokkunokku joku, kuikomi, shichueshonkomedei, pinpondasshu, and waki no shitano he.
2chという巨大掲示板には、1日当たり2000万件ものアクセスがある。日本国民は2chが大好きである。 一日中、パソコンに張り付いて2ch(おもにニュー速VIP)ばかり見ている輩もいるほどである。 そして2chユーザーの努力により毎日新聞の嘘(the lie told by Mainichi)が暴かれた。

プロパー グリーティング Puropaa Guriitingu (Proper Greeting)

The Japanese are proud people who are easily insulted and are dishonored by shameful events. Therefore, proper steps must be taken to greet a Japanese citizen/leader/pervert. A quick bow of the head and a “Konichiwa, Baka-San!” (Good afternoon idiot!) is compulsory.

The proper way to say goodbye is a heartfelt “Hanakuso tsuiteru yo!”
“You are welcome!” is said, “Shinde kudasai!”
For more useful tips, please see this.

The Japanese have quite a lot of different letters with different meanings. Here is an example on a few Japanese characters:
確 – true/drone/bird
道 – road/pirate/dish
死 – die/horrible/shit
足 – leg/nose/plate/orange

ジャパニーズ テレビ Japaniizu Terebi (Japanese TV)

The typical Japanese television show features people eating. People are eating and people are eating, and sometimes people are eating. These are interspersed with the occasional brain-spasm inspired game show, which are much more interesting than watching people eat, so let’s see a clip from one of those. HU.MAN…TET.LIS. Its Fun Happy Happy. Hayo ahso!

(´゚Д゚`)凸 (Fauna Spotlight: Monsters)

Another normal day in Tokyo, as the businessmen go to work around the huge monsters’ legs.

The Japanese landscape is littered with various super-colossal monsters that are the result of natural springs that produce potent nuclear waste. Godzilla is the most famous of these creatures, capable of reaching heights up to 500 feet tall. However, despite its reputed gentle nature, it has been known to devour tourists that try to feed it. There is also another few million Godzillas, which were created in Nissan factories. They range in power from 54bhp to about 1300bhp, seeing as those crazy guys at VeilSide make so many crazy things. About a millenia ago, King Kong and Godzilla fought, but ended up making love and a new breed called King Kongru-Gojira of Tokyo Tower within 156 hours. It was very kawaii.

Other monsters include Mozilla, Gamera, kirby, and Mothra, and a wide assortment of other rubbery mutants. As stated above, Japan has been able to make use of these creatures with the exception of Mothra, which has been named an endangered species. Giant monsters are easily recognizable — not only are they huge, but from a distance they appear to be a trick of the eye, much like an old blue-screen effect.

Among the Japanese schoolchildren, tentacle monsters (ブッシュ大統領) are the most popular. These cuddly, tiny mouse-like creatures are often captured and kept as pets or tapped for their electrical prowess. These tentacle monsters also like to touch Japanese children to sleep.

Ironically the Japanese Government won’t invest in Nuclear Energy.

私は日本から来ました。日本では、日本の前首相はチンパンジー、現首相は漢字が読めない阿呆太郎と呼ばれています。 私も日本から来ました。麻生総理は広告税を導入しようとしているのでマスコミに嫌われていて国民はその麻生バッシングを真に受けています。そのため麻生内 閣の支持率が17%にまで下落してしまいました。

モンスター バトルズ Monsutaa Batoruzu (Monster Battles)

Godzilla also attends Japanese church before battles.

Many areas in the Archipelego seem to have their own “home monster”. This is recorded in the Japanese holy books, the Kojiki and the Monsteru.

Examples:

  • Honshuu: Godzilla
    • Nagano: Orga
    • Akihabara: MechaGodzilla
  • Hokkaido: Yamata No Orochi
  • Okinawa: King Ceaser Shisa
  • Kyushu: Gamera
  • Tokyo 3: 18 giant bio-mechanical robot angles from God
  • Tokyo 3: 9 giant bio-mechanical robot angles made by man
  • Tokyo 3: Some 14 year old kid who destroys the world while piloting another giant bio-mechanical robot made by man, but this time in order to destroy the human race
  • Shikoku: Giant space crabs
  • Galveston: Yajuu, the japanese reincarnation of TangelaKitchenTimer with only one head.
  • Shibuya: DesSpidahKikumo, the evil queen of ganguro bikers, along with her greatest rival, Elven Kogal-Flowery Enelda.
  • Fresno: Hedorah
  • Nerima: Sesshoumaru, Dog-Deity of loli and furries.
  • New Mexico: Mengsel
  • Shinjuku: Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, headquarters of the Super Tokyo Metropolian Bureaucrat Rangers, which transforms into the Super Kaizer Tokyo Metropolitan Government Robot whenever city is under threat.
  • Yokohama: Satan Goss

These monsters regularly meet for territorial bouts, fenced in by large “War-Halls” to protect the surrounding property and precious schoolgirls, camera drones, and announcers. Often the color commentary is done in traditional Japanese song, with the monster’s name being the only lyric. The most famous song, written by Junichiro Koizumi, reads as follows:

Gozeerah! Go-o-o-o-zeerah!
(repeat)

Usually, at least one bout takes place per week, and a small portion of the revenue is used for a variety of noble causes. The majority of the funds, however, are funneled off to special interests like the Pregnant Schoolgirl Fund, the Sentai Commission, and many positively evil organizations (see: NERV).

There also exists a junior league, mostly consisting of the children of the major-league monsters (Son of Mothra, etc). Each Spring and Summer, they compete in a national tournament called the Koshien. The winner is allowed to travel to America to compete for the world crown against monsters such as Godzilla 2000, xenomorphs, Sigourney Weaver in a huge robot, the Moth-Things that acted in a movie with Mira Sorvino, and the giant subterranean worms that acted in Tremor.

ヴォヤーリズム Voyaarizumu (Voyeurism)

The usual positioning of a hidden camera within a toilet bowl

The favorite Japanese pastime is to watch others without being seen. Often this involves an unwitting party engaging in sexual activity or visiting the toilet. The government allowed this in 1965, following the example of Thailand (a.k.a. “Hooker Central for Crusty Old Rich Guys”).

Initially, voyeurs had to hide in closets, often being spotted and chased away. With the advent of the camera, needless chases and killings could stop. There was a week of celebration. Voyeurism in Japan entered a golden age shortly thereafter.

Japan is well-known in the West as having a completely different way of doing things. Notable differences include:

  • Japanese remove their shoes when they exit a house. This minimizes wear-and-tear and keeps shoes from being covered in dog-poo like Americans.
  • The Japanese integrate a cooling mechanism into toilet seats. This keeps buttocks from overheating during summer.
  • To reduce hospital crowding, the government recently abolished the tradition of bowing as people frequently bang their heads in crowded places – instead, people now roll their eyes. Due to strong attachment to tradition, headbanging still happens sometimes.
  • Japanese 24-hour stores are all-pervasive and far more convenient than their Western counterparts, in that they have toilets, fax machines, photocopiers, kettles, washing machines, stationery, and cookers for public use. One can pay bills, get a haircut and manicure, or get a massage. In addition, most of these stores are mounted on a twin-legged chassis to give added convenience to customers after midnight.
  • There are 24-hour PokeCenters in most cities for Japanese people to recharge their pokemon so as to be ready to “catch em’ all” in the next day’s work.
  • The former Japanese PM, Junichiro Koizumi, closely resembles Richard Gere.
  • Japanese women believe all Western men are “cool” – including “giksu” and “niggazu”.
  • In 1650, Japan inexplicably disappeared from the face of the Earth for 200 years. Many theories were offered, including alien abduction, or that it had become submerged. In 1850, an American expedition stumbled upon Japan in a forest in Northern Alaska. Apparently, it had swum across the Pacific Ocean but forgotten how to get back. Chinese hauliers moved Japan back to its rightful place. The debt was settled after Japan met China’s request to be invaded in 1931.
  • The age of consent in Japan is 20 years. Many Japanese believe this is far too high and should be lowered.
  • The age of retirement in Japan is 80. Due to their love of work and little else (console-gaming is considered a form of work by Japanese), many Japanese believe this is far too low and should be raised.
  • Sex is considered the most vital part of life. It is very sacred to the Japanese and was made as fun packed, family oriented porn movies to watch as home enjoyably with future adult children in 153 BCE.

ファン ボーイズ Fan Bouizu (Fanboys)

Weeaboo in the late stages of wapanisation.

Japan, according to the CIA World Factbook, draws more fanboys than any other nation. Citizens of other nations, in large numbers, are known to wish they were Japanese. This leads to ‘odd’ behaviour, such as taking part in cosplay ; watching hentai [2] documentaries; or taking distance learning degrees from the University of Hikikomori.

[1] Cosplay is an elaborate game whereby one dresses up as a character from Japanese anime and mimicks the behaviour of a completely different character.

[2] Documentary where the lens slowly pans over scenery while the narrator discusses his personal life instead of the scenery. Hence “hentai” – “talk cock”.

ボーイズ ラブ or びーえる Bouizu Rabu or BL (abbreviated for Boy’s Love)

Possible motive for Boyz Laavu

This is a secret movement in Japan to convert all males (including humans, mammals, amphibians, reptiles, etc…) into homosexuals. To achieve their goal, they spread their campaign products called “Boyz Laavu”. Boyz Laavu is pruduced in various formats, including movies, animes, games, mangas, and novels. However, all of these products talk about the love between two MALES. (Sometimes three or more males.) This movement is relatively not known to gay communities, so most members of the movement are evil Zapanese females. In Boyz Laavu, all males (including Pikachu, Super Mario, Batman, Junichiro Koizumi, Adolph Hitler,…etc…and you) are homosexuals. Boyz Laavu is also called as Yaoi in Japan.

フード Fuudo (Food)

The Japanese diet consists mainly of bio-luminescent squid, lice (pronounced “rice” but acually lice), Green Tea Kit-Kats, and beer (pronounced “beeru” 小便). The morning meal is normally rice, followed by more rice with a side of rice. Lunch (pronounced “runchi” ゲロ) is typically ramen (pronounced “cuppanudoru”) or rice sandwiches with a side of pickled mice babies. Dinner (pronounced “supah-nite-eat-taimu” 肛門) could be anything from sake, to jakku danierusu, to omelets. Omelets are strictly for dinner in Japan, because Fed-Ex deliveries from American breakfast exporters do not arrive until 6PM. When the main portion of dinner does not satiate the appetite one will fill up on whale. When there is no whale left, the custom is to go to the sea to spear some more whale.

The Japanese have taken to Western food in an odd way, modifying even the simplest of dishes to be compatible with their unique Japanese physiology (raw, noxious, salty, and “small”) and creating Frankenstein creations that are fed to TV personalities at night to orgasmic moans of “Oishii!” (“It feels like 16 prawns shat in my mouth and are mud wrestling in it!”). As a result of the diet, Japanese people tend to have a curious body odour. (Deodorant is banned in Japan, as it is considered a form of non-conformity.) Introduced in late 1940s, ice cream (pronounced “sofuto kureemu” 下痢 – the word “aisu” [ice 覚醒剤] was banned in Japan’s Edo Era, as it sounds like the verb for “love”, and using phrases of affection in public is deemed disgraceful) became an instant hit with all generations of Japanese and by the early ’50s frozen unagi (pronounced “eel” 蛇) popsicles became a mainstay of the delicatessen market. However, in recent years its popularity has been eclipsed by whale ice cream. Japanese dessert is called “bukkake” (ぶっかけ). This dessert is made out of liquified milk that is embedded inside a banana. The customary way to eat a bukkake is to rub the banana steadily and vigorously to increase its internal temperature. The milk will ooze out of the banana and squirt directly into a person’s mouth.

Tentacle-rape snacks, a traditional Japanese treat

Japanese seafood prices work on an inverted price principle whereby the more foul, disgusting, slimy, or poisonous it is — the more it costs. Savvy Japanese fishermen and their agents are constantly on the lookout all over the world for newly discovered marine monstrosities to rush into Tokyo fish markets. Mega-rich Japanese consumers regularly flock to fugu (poisonous seakitten 海猫) restaurants where, after paying exorbitant amounts of yen, they consume less-toxic portions of the seakitten which probably will not kill — unless the chef has a hangover, just broke up with his girlfriend, or is pissed off at the world that day. Fugu is part of the extreme eating movement and is one of many options available to the suicidal Japanese businessman/student. Many experts believe that eating such fare allows the Japanese to avoid farting and gives them an edge in competitive eating contests (see Kobayashi). However, it is not yet apparent whether eating such vile forms of “food” is performance-enhancing, or merely exceedingly foolish (see: lactose intolerance).

Historians consider Japanese cuisine an essential part of Japan’s warlike past in that samurai warriors, coming home from a hard day of disemboweling peasants and giving themselves silly haircuts with a katana, would take a good look at the so-called “food” on the table and immediately go to war against the nearest enemy lord in the hope that they might have something better to eat. These raiding parties would lead them to Korea, until the development there of Kimchi — an area denial weapon.

Rather than eating their meals with a knife and fork, Japanese typically use blackboard chalk (lit. “chopped sticks”) to manipulate their food until it is evenly spread across the plate, after which it is poured into the mouth. The traditional Japanese tea ceremony (Guzzo Dat Shitto Niggazu) consists of two people taking turns refusing to drink a cup of hot water until it has evaporated. Such traditions give rise to the slender Japanese physique, as evidenced by the ubiquitousness of the Japanese celeryman. The Japanese obsession with pachyderm laxatives has had a serious effect on their stature and growth rate. Those individuals unfortunate enough to become overweight are forced to fight each other on national television wearing only diapers.

If you ask for sugar for your green tea in Japan, you will wake up with your ass hurting and your head crushed in, while the offended person will call upon the weather gods to rain corrosive sushi upon the “ignorant foreign devils.” Unfortunately, tourists often ask this question, so this is normal weather in Japan.

In Japan it is polite to say “it’s a fucky mess” when served a meal. After eating it is customary to wish everyone in the restaurant, in a loud voice, “goat chiizu on slimy desukutoppu“.

フォービッデンフード Foubidden Fuudo (Forbidden Food)

Actual advertisement for whale burgers.

Whale penis: the Japanese government imposed a partial ban on the sale of whale penises. Whale penis is reserved for seriously ill medical patients who need the treatment desperately. People caught buying/selling “weiyo kokku” at fish markets are normally given a warning by Greenpeace “whitehat” squads (正義の味方). Upon refusal to abandon it is confiscated, screened, and sent to fast food restaurants to be made into “fried whale penis”. Some Japanese public schools do offer fried whale penis on the lunch menu, using whale penises discarded by hospitals. Since the meat is less fresh, the taste is considered inferior to that of whale penises sold in fast food restaurants. Anywise, the Japanese people love their penises. And vaginas.

Dolphin: Though protected by international treaty, Greenpeace, Hayden Panettiere, and animal lovers worldwide, somehow this salty and smelly sea creature finds its way onto dinner tables – usually in the form of black market whale meat. Ironically, such counterfeit whale meat is often fraudulently labeled “dolphin-safe”.

Metroids: The inspiration for the smash-hit videogame Metroid, these lovable woodland creatures are known to frolic on the upper slopes of Mt. Fuji. Although metroid-hunting is condemned by international law, many still find their way onto the Japanese dinner table, as a key ingredient of nigiri and in ometoroido-yaki stew. Prices on the open market remain high as a result of the ban on private metroid-hunting and the difficulty of the hunt itself – while many find that cracking the protective outer shell and shooting the metroid’s cerebral cortex with particle guns is trivial, strict gun control makes such equipment difficult to obtain.

リリジョン Ririjion (Religion)

The common Japanese religion, Shintoism, worships polytheistic gods known as “laptops”, or “ra-po-to-pu”. The Japanese worship “ra-po-to-pu”, because they bring the Japanese good luck and porn.

The official religion of Japan is Fanatical Extremist ANTI-KOREANISM. Which is pretty sad.

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