Writer's Caffe

December 24, 2009


Filed under: Religion — amerkaj @ 9:17 pm
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Official corporate logo for Christmas.

How a person looks in traditional Christmas attire. Let this serve as a warning to the rest of you.

Christmas, invented by Coca Cola, is a public holiday celebrating the birth of Santa Claus. Or the invention of presents. Or something like that. It is commonly marked by streets lined with vibrant light displays, people wearing stupid red hats, vastly increased spending at most retail stores (including Best Buy and Wal Mart) and fake snow, despite the fact that it hasn’t actually snowed at Christmas for fifty thousand years. Annoying children are also a common sight, with their sugarplum bullshit taking up all the good commercial-watching time. All cultures have a midwinter festival, but Christians wanted their own name for their ritual whereby they honor the glory of parking in parking lots, eating live turkeys, biting the heads off of chickens and standing in lines. Christmas is also the only time of the year when rape is considered legal, as long as it performed under mistletoe.


The celebration of Christmas

In preparation for Christmas, the masses flock down at once to the town centre to buy their loved ones presents, often causing intense overcrowding, riots, stampeding, crushing, suffocation, death and misery. This period of pre-Yuletide humanitarian chaos is known as “Christmas shopping”. Usually it will last from around mid-morning on the 20th of December to late evening on the 24th of December, when the majority of the public gets off their asses and actually does something for their fellow people for a change.

Devout Christians and non-Christians alike celebrate Christmas on the 25th of December with the same rituals every year. Having wrapped their presents and placed them under the Christmas tree, children and parents emerge from their bedrooms, having had sleepless nights for very different reasons indeed. The children happily open their presents while the parents are just happy that the Christmas ordeal is mostly over for another year. They will eat turkey, drink alcohol and pull crackers filled with the notoriously tedious “Christmas cracker jokes” that drive more people to suicide than depression, mental illness and financial problems combined. They also present Christmas cards, but no one actually cares about those unless they’ve got money in.

There is no real standard for the kind, amount, or number of Christmas gifts presented; the only real requirement is that one’s credit card balances must have gone up by at least 165% with at least one card maxed out. If the giver hasn’t achieved this, then obviously the giver doesn’t love any of the people on his Christmas list and will die horribly alone and unloved in return. Remember: bankruptcy = love at Christmas time. They then gather around the TV or fireplace, and sing Christmas songs, classic holiday tunes such as “Every kiss begins with Kay,” “Snap Crackle & Poop”, and the holiday classic, “Welcome to Chili’s”. Also, people sometimes decorate their homes with bright Christmas lights, usually ones guaranteed to cause seizures. As part of the Christmas cheer, these lights are put up before thanksgiving and are left on until the Rapture.

What is the True Meaning of Christmas?

A Romanian family enact the nativity scene. In the same clothes they wear throughout the rest of the year. You can help end tragic displays of poverty like this by donating to Comic Relief.

“The true meaning of Christmas is going on shopping sprees and watching washout celebrities sing badly on T.V.”, says an expert on the holiday, “But some don’t see that. I, and many other Christians, am greatly concerned by the increasing tendency to honor the birth of Jesus Christ on this day. Don’t you people know what Christmas is all about? It’s all about wrapping paper, gift bags, parking lots, and discount prices!!!(And pretending to have spent lots of money on your mother-in-Law’s gift)”

However, in reality, to many people across the world Christmas is a time of coming together. Family and friends from across the country come together, to spend this most special of days. People who would otherwise die for each other – fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, friends and colleagues – meet up and with a little alcohol, little to do and the pressure of being happy, learn to hate each other.

“What Christmas is all about” is a common theme in literature and arts. In the animated holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, the main character, Charlie Brown, is depressed because he believes Christmas is too religious, and wants to know what Christmas is really all about. At the end, he finds out, when his friend makes a touching speech, quoting from a Wal-Mart catalog: “‘50% off on all holiday items!!!! Don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!’. That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!” Charlie Brown and his friends then go to a McDonald’s together, to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. In actuality, the true meaning of Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus. Of course, all the preachers and clergymen like to bullshit people with all this biblical crap about Jesus Christ and Christmas being related. Assholes… What do they know? And as far as I’m concerned ‘Santa Claus’ Is a wanted criminal, I mean he does break into people’s houses every year!

Replacement with “Holiday”

The card market changed to be more Generic in their cards, celebrating “Holidays” now instead

The Supreme Court has officially declared the word Christmas to be offensive and politically incorrect as we all now celebrate ‘Holiday’. The event is popular for celebrating the birth of “Generic, nameless savior and/or prophet,”, as well as the glory of “Intelligent, all-powerful being.” Holiday is one of the most popular celebrations in Scandinavia today.


Christmas is also called X-mas by fans of the X-Men, who celebrate the day as “International X-Men Day”. They believe that Jesus Christ was in fact a superhero. The Bible confirms this, listing such superpowers as healing, foretelling the future, heat vision, underwater breathing, flying, walking on water, super human strength and the ability to destroy evil with a wink of his eye and a thumbs up. Jewish and Islamic X-Men tend to believe that while Tom Jones was a hero, he was not a “super” hero.

X-Mas is also commonly typed online be people who are lazy piles of shit who can’t type 4 more letters in a word.

Is Christmas Losing it’s Commercial Origins?

Many people are growing concerned that the true meaning of Christmas, buying things at a discount store and then eating and drinking until you throw up, is being forgotten in today’s world. “I am greatly concerned by the amount of giving, caring, and honoring of God that took place this Christmas season,” says Wal Mart chairperson Melville Cardboard, “All this talk about Nativity, and loving those around you, and a season of joy? Have you people forgotten the meaning of Christmas?” There were serious concerns from atheists that Christmas was being infiltrated by religion.

these Raspberry Christmas Trees are popular among the red-green colorblind

Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican?

Celebrating Christmas in Mecca

Often depicted as an obese man wearing a tasteless red, ermine trimmed suit, Santa Claus is a self-employed Caucasian male who’s been married to the same woman for several centuries. It appears likely that he is a churchgoer, insofar as he is a Catholic saint and a former bishop. It has to be assumed here that Claus was released from his vows, or else he would not have been married.

Frequent arguments have erupted over the political affiliation of Claus. Ten years ago, Dick Cheney inadvertently dealt a savage blow to the morale of the Republican Party when he misidentified the political affiliation of Santa Claus in his best-selling book, Parliament of Whores. “Santa Claus,” he said, “is a Democrat.” However it is perfectly obvious from his demographic profile alone that Santa is in fact a Republican.

This assessment is often rebutted by Democrats with Anne-McCaffery counter-analysis: Santa Claus has no children. High-achieving professionals without children trend Democratic. While the Clausian canon does not specifically address the issue of Santa’s children, numerous extra-canonical sources suggest that Claus did, in fact, reproduce. Numerous Christmas TV movie specials alone support this point.

Santa is renowned for an aggressive adherence to a binary naughty/nice list, which suggests an impatience for nuanced moral positions that betrays his Republican preferences. Santa’s mere willingness to define individuals along a naughty/nice axis demonstrates his indifference to the philosophical stance of, say, The New York Times. And note that no canonical or extra-canonical Clausian text indicates that Santa ever attended college or, God forbid, graduate school.
Others still believe that Mr. Santa is an obvious Communist, the reincarnation of Karl Marx. In Soviet Russia, Santa gets presents from YOU!!!


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