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December 24, 2009

Christmas

Filed under: Religion — amerkaj @ 9:17 pm
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Christmas

Official corporate logo for Christmas.

How a person looks in traditional Christmas attire. Let this serve as a warning to the rest of you.

Christmas, invented by Coca Cola, is a public holiday celebrating the birth of Santa Claus. Or the invention of presents. Or something like that. It is commonly marked by streets lined with vibrant light displays, people wearing stupid red hats, vastly increased spending at most retail stores (including Best Buy and Wal Mart) and fake snow, despite the fact that it hasn’t actually snowed at Christmas for fifty thousand years. Annoying children are also a common sight, with their sugarplum bullshit taking up all the good commercial-watching time. All cultures have a midwinter festival, but Christians wanted their own name for their ritual whereby they honor the glory of parking in parking lots, eating live turkeys, biting the heads off of chickens and standing in lines. Christmas is also the only time of the year when rape is considered legal, as long as it performed under mistletoe.

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The celebration of Christmas

In preparation for Christmas, the masses flock down at once to the town centre to buy their loved ones presents, often causing intense overcrowding, riots, stampeding, crushing, suffocation, death and misery. This period of pre-Yuletide humanitarian chaos is known as “Christmas shopping”. Usually it will last from around mid-morning on the 20th of December to late evening on the 24th of December, when the majority of the public gets off their asses and actually does something for their fellow people for a change.

Devout Christians and non-Christians alike celebrate Christmas on the 25th of December with the same rituals every year. Having wrapped their presents and placed them under the Christmas tree, children and parents emerge from their bedrooms, having had sleepless nights for very different reasons indeed. The children happily open their presents while the parents are just happy that the Christmas ordeal is mostly over for another year. They will eat turkey, drink alcohol and pull crackers filled with the notoriously tedious “Christmas cracker jokes” that drive more people to suicide than depression, mental illness and financial problems combined. They also present Christmas cards, but no one actually cares about those unless they’ve got money in.

There is no real standard for the kind, amount, or number of Christmas gifts presented; the only real requirement is that one’s credit card balances must have gone up by at least 165% with at least one card maxed out. If the giver hasn’t achieved this, then obviously the giver doesn’t love any of the people on his Christmas list and will die horribly alone and unloved in return. Remember: bankruptcy = love at Christmas time. They then gather around the TV or fireplace, and sing Christmas songs, classic holiday tunes such as “Every kiss begins with Kay,” “Snap Crackle & Poop”, and the holiday classic, “Welcome to Chili’s”. Also, people sometimes decorate their homes with bright Christmas lights, usually ones guaranteed to cause seizures. As part of the Christmas cheer, these lights are put up before thanksgiving and are left on until the Rapture.

What is the True Meaning of Christmas?

A Romanian family enact the nativity scene. In the same clothes they wear throughout the rest of the year. You can help end tragic displays of poverty like this by donating to Comic Relief.

“The true meaning of Christmas is going on shopping sprees and watching washout celebrities sing badly on T.V.”, says an expert on the holiday, “But some don’t see that. I, and many other Christians, am greatly concerned by the increasing tendency to honor the birth of Jesus Christ on this day. Don’t you people know what Christmas is all about? It’s all about wrapping paper, gift bags, parking lots, and discount prices!!!(And pretending to have spent lots of money on your mother-in-Law’s gift)”

However, in reality, to many people across the world Christmas is a time of coming together. Family and friends from across the country come together, to spend this most special of days. People who would otherwise die for each other – fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, friends and colleagues – meet up and with a little alcohol, little to do and the pressure of being happy, learn to hate each other.

“What Christmas is all about” is a common theme in literature and arts. In the animated holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, the main character, Charlie Brown, is depressed because he believes Christmas is too religious, and wants to know what Christmas is really all about. At the end, he finds out, when his friend makes a touching speech, quoting from a Wal-Mart catalog: “‘50% off on all holiday items!!!! Don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!’. That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!” Charlie Brown and his friends then go to a McDonald’s together, to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. In actuality, the true meaning of Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus. Of course, all the preachers and clergymen like to bullshit people with all this biblical crap about Jesus Christ and Christmas being related. Assholes… What do they know? And as far as I’m concerned ‘Santa Claus’ Is a wanted criminal, I mean he does break into people’s houses every year!

Replacement with “Holiday”

The card market changed to be more Generic in their cards, celebrating “Holidays” now instead

The Supreme Court has officially declared the word Christmas to be offensive and politically incorrect as we all now celebrate ‘Holiday’. The event is popular for celebrating the birth of “Generic, nameless savior and/or prophet,”, as well as the glory of “Intelligent, all-powerful being.” Holiday is one of the most popular celebrations in Scandinavia today.

X-Mas

Christmas is also called X-mas by fans of the X-Men, who celebrate the day as “International X-Men Day”. They believe that Jesus Christ was in fact a superhero. The Bible confirms this, listing such superpowers as healing, foretelling the future, heat vision, underwater breathing, flying, walking on water, super human strength and the ability to destroy evil with a wink of his eye and a thumbs up. Jewish and Islamic X-Men tend to believe that while Tom Jones was a hero, he was not a “super” hero.

X-Mas is also commonly typed online be people who are lazy piles of shit who can’t type 4 more letters in a word.

Is Christmas Losing it’s Commercial Origins?

Many people are growing concerned that the true meaning of Christmas, buying things at a discount store and then eating and drinking until you throw up, is being forgotten in today’s world. “I am greatly concerned by the amount of giving, caring, and honoring of God that took place this Christmas season,” says Wal Mart chairperson Melville Cardboard, “All this talk about Nativity, and loving those around you, and a season of joy? Have you people forgotten the meaning of Christmas?” There were serious concerns from atheists that Christmas was being infiltrated by religion.

these Raspberry Christmas Trees are popular among the red-green colorblind

Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican?

Celebrating Christmas in Mecca

Often depicted as an obese man wearing a tasteless red, ermine trimmed suit, Santa Claus is a self-employed Caucasian male who’s been married to the same woman for several centuries. It appears likely that he is a churchgoer, insofar as he is a Catholic saint and a former bishop. It has to be assumed here that Claus was released from his vows, or else he would not have been married.

Frequent arguments have erupted over the political affiliation of Claus. Ten years ago, Dick Cheney inadvertently dealt a savage blow to the morale of the Republican Party when he misidentified the political affiliation of Santa Claus in his best-selling book, Parliament of Whores. “Santa Claus,” he said, “is a Democrat.” However it is perfectly obvious from his demographic profile alone that Santa is in fact a Republican.

This assessment is often rebutted by Democrats with Anne-McCaffery counter-analysis: Santa Claus has no children. High-achieving professionals without children trend Democratic. While the Clausian canon does not specifically address the issue of Santa’s children, numerous extra-canonical sources suggest that Claus did, in fact, reproduce. Numerous Christmas TV movie specials alone support this point.

Santa is renowned for an aggressive adherence to a binary naughty/nice list, which suggests an impatience for nuanced moral positions that betrays his Republican preferences. Santa’s mere willingness to define individuals along a naughty/nice axis demonstrates his indifference to the philosophical stance of, say, The New York Times. And note that no canonical or extra-canonical Clausian text indicates that Santa ever attended college or, God forbid, graduate school.
Others still believe that Mr. Santa is an obvious Communist, the reincarnation of Karl Marx. In Soviet Russia, Santa gets presents from YOU!!!

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December 9, 2009

God

Filed under: Religion — amerkaj @ 3:16 pm

God

God is dead.

~ Nietzsche on God, 1882

You bet He is!

~ Satan on God, 1886

Nietzsche is dead. Guess who won that bet?

~ God on Nietzsche, 1900

God (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah and Jehovah to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Devil’s food cake. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God Himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe’s most notorious compulsive gambler.

The First Bet and Creation of the Universe

Just before Creation, on the night preceding 23 October 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the Celestial Poker Game, Satan, aka the Devil aka Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn’t gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a “sucker’s bet” as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.

In just six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan still leads the bet to this day, and why sports teams never pray to him. It’s also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.

The First People: Adam & Eve

God created the first man Adam from the dust of the ground mixed with God’s spittle, and placed him in a magical garden in Eden, Nevada (now known as Las Vegas, Nevada). Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God “prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring.” But God discovered Lilith was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made Eve.

God then bet Satan that he couldn’t get Adam and his sex-changed cloned sister Eve to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told Adam, “thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.” (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.

Satan, on the other hand, told the always-naked siblings the naked Truth. He said, “Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” (Gen. 3:4-5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked Adam and Eve could no longer suppress their primal urges. They started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Dinner Party.

God was so furious at losing the bet, He blasted the garden into desert. Still furious, He ripped off Satan’s arms and legs. But Satan survived, saying, “It’s only a flesh wound.” Satan slithered off, becoming the first serpent and gaining the nickname “Monty Python.” Because of His actions, God became the first Crime Boss.

Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were “fucking ugly.” They promptly used fig leaves to cover up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren’t really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever “for being smart-arses.” God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift, and sent them to New Jersey.

The brother and sister didn’t die that day as God had said, but lived for hundreds of years. Following Satan’s promise, they declared themselves God and Goddess. They founded Atlantic City, created the Mormon religion, moved to Utah, practiced group marriage with their offspring and beget like, well, rabbits. This became known as polygamy and incest. In their spare time, they founded civilization. This became known as a mistake.

But God didn’t bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as He went back to betting on football.

God Starts To Lose, Decides To Flood World

1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils football game, when it went to its first ad break. God took this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realised that Satan wasn’t there, but was off collecting souls. This was bad news, as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for drastic action.

God decided that the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation. This way, Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had made, especially the puppies and kittens, and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel.[1] So God had to think of a plan to save Noah of Arc, his wife Joan of Arc, and their family whilst leaving the rest to die.

How this was done is detailed in the apocryphal Generations 2:3-9 (Brother Goose translation): “And God, in his infinite wisdom, said, ‘Noah, build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive.’ Noah did so, and God saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every animal and put them on the ark, with the words ‘I’ll bet you £10 I can find the unicorns first!’ Tragically, God feared Satan would gather all human souls before all the animals could be gathered, so God made the heavens release a downpour before he could find two unicorns. The rainy spell lasted 40 days and 40 nights. This created a great flood when the rainwater backed up the sewers. The weatherman, who had predicted a barbeque summer, said he ‘felt like a right twit.’ Then he drowned.”

God’s Greatest Prophets

Job

Many generations after Noah, a man named Job, who was faithful to God, became a highly successful rancher in the land of Uz. One day God bet Satan that Job wouldn’t curse God even if he lost his ranch, wealth, health, wife, children, and got some really nasty boils. Satan, who still missed his limbs, wanted no part of it. But God became so furious, Satan feared another flood. So Satan relented, but pleaded for Job, saying, “Behold, all that he hath is in Thy power; only upon himself put not forth Thy hand (you schmuck)” (Job 1:12).

God followed through with his threat and his bet. Job, who like Satan feared for the world, said, “Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” (Job 1:21). God knew that Job yelled His name in sarcasm and anger (and believed God was a schmuck), but didn’t care because He won the bet.

Abraham, Sarah and Lot

Following God’s success with Job, and His failure to win all souls through Adam and his cloned-sister Eve, God made a new plan. He now focused on creating souls through Abraham and his half-sister Sarah. Satan had said the couple, 100-year-old Abraham and 90-year-old Sarah, were too old to have children. So God bet against the Devil. He then dressed a baby in sheep’s clothing, and snuck him in while Satan wasn’t looking. God laughed at Satan and called the baby “Isaac,” which is Jewish for “laughter.” Scripture scholars later called God’s act a “miracle,” which is Jewish for “cheating.”

Then God almost destroyed His own plan due to His compulsive gambling. God made a bet with Satan that Abraham wouldn’t sacrifice his only son (actually, his only son who wasn’t a bastard–God was cheating again) just because God told him to. The betrayed and confused Abraham, who still thought Isaac was a sheep, was about to axe his son. But the sympathetic Satan intervened, and willingly lost the bet by dressing up a sheep as Isaac and giving it to Abraham to sacrifice instead.[2]

God later destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, where Abraham’s nephew Lot lived, because their casinos refused to give God a percentage of their profits. Also they had legalized homosexuality. God hated homosexuality because it produced no souls for God to win.

But God spared Lot because of the gambling game called Casting Lot. This involved rolling or casting Lot out the back door, and betting on whether he would land face up or face down.[3]

God increased His odds by convincing Abraham to marry many women and to buy several concubines or prostitute slaves. God also improved His chances following the death of Lot’s wife. He talked Lot’s daughters into getting their father drunk with Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, and then having sex with, and getting pregnant by, their father. Both of these acts gave inveterate gambler God more souls to win.

Moses

God mercilessly brought plagues and death on the great Satan-created Empire of Egypt. To protect what Satan still had in Egypt, he let God’s Holy Moses steal thousands of Israeli souls. Later, Moses saw a vision of God after inhaling the fumes from a burning bush. Moses was high on a mountain for 40 days and 40 nights while God carved Ten Commandments on two stone tablets, which He gave to Moses. One was the Tablet of Commandments, and the other was the Tablet of Explanations. Unfortunately, Moses was still under the influence, and dropped the explanation tablet.

Fortunately, Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven also inhaled, and was able to recreate them for his book The Burning Bush and Other Trips. The restored 10 Commandments and their explanations (marked with *) are below:

I I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods nor sacrifice to idols *for I want all the winnings myself.
II Thou shalt not use the name of thy Lord in Vain *for I am wanted in Vain for owing back taxes.
III Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy *by bringing My percentage to the temple.
IV Honor they father and mother *for I am both.
V Thou shalt not murder *unless I tellest thou to.
VI Thou shalt not commit adultery *unless thou askest really nicely. Polygamy and group marriage are fine.
VII Thou shalt not steal *unless it be for My profit.
VIII Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor *unless it be for My profit.
IX Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife *until I have a chance with her first.
X Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy neighbor, including his ass *unless thou canst win it in a game.[4]

Jesus Arrives, God Enters North America

God spent several thousand years watching and betting on football (nations who follow Satan called it soccer). Then, suddenly, God became bored. According to Reverend James Dobson in his book Focus on the Football, this was due to the season finally ending after all the players collapsed. The Book of Gridiron 1:3-5, says, “And it came to pass in those days that the multitude of football players were greatly exhausted, and did fall unto the ground as if dead. For the time and the season for football was without end, for in those days there was no player’s union. And these are the teams and their names: the Angels and the Devils, for there were but two teams.”

During the off season, which was March 25, 0005 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the Angels Cheerleading Squad, God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called “Love.” He immediately claimed He had created it, and called Himself “The God of Love.” (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it “Sex” and himself, “Hot Stuff.”) God noticed one cheerleader in particular, primarily because she was the squad’s only virgin. She was a girl between the ages of 12 and 16 and, according to Reverend Loveshade, God found her “pretty tasty.” Her name was Mary Virginia Lolita Davidson Josephwife, for she was betrothed to a carpenter named Joseph. God ignored the ring on her finger, and wooed her in the traditional Godly way – with a heavenly light and an invitation by an Angel followed by dinner and a movie.[5] He also tricked her into drinking two bottles of Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, claiming it was “holy water.” Once the Virgin Mary was chastely drunk, God has His way with her.

Unfortunately, all did not go as God planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God’s Holy Protection, so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly Virgin Mary was found to be “great with child.” It was obvious to Joseph that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The Angel said, “Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. Also, couldst thou sparest some money for a cab?”[6] (Matthew 1:20). Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin. God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of South America, while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of North America.

God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named “Emmanuel” (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the foetus was a boy. When he discovered it wasn’t, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God. He reversed His trick of making the female Eve from the male Adam, changing one of the infant’s X chromosomes to a Y. To further hide His deception, God told the keeper at the Ramada Inn to claim it was full, so God’s son was born in a manger inside a small cave. God faced another problem when, on the eighth day after the infant transsexual’s birth, Mary and Joseph called him “Jesus.” God quickly claimed “Jesus” was just Puerto Rican for “Emmanuel” (it wasn’t, but Satan didn’t know this because he’d never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.

God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and started referring to Himself as “God the Father.”

The Temptation Bet and The Crucifixion

By Jewish tradition, at age 30 Jesus was recognized as an “elder” (Jewish for “big-headed”). He entered the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Rev. G. Zussiz-Lawd said this was for “personal reasons no one can explain.” But Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven gave an explanation in his book, Don’t Ever Bet Against God Because He’ll Cheat. “Don’t expect a goy Gentile to understand Jews. Moses the Lawgiver fasted on the mountain 40 days and nights to receive the 10 Commandments. It rained for 40 days and nights on Noah of Arc who organized the first floating zoo. So that copycat Jesus? Don’t ask me anymore about Jesus.”

God saw this as a great opportunity for a bet with Satan, and the deal was done. If Satan could persuade Jesus to use his godly powers, God had to hand over all His souls. If Jesus didn’t use his powers, Satan had to hand over all his.

Satan began by trying to convince Jesus that he could turn a rock into bread to satisfy his hunger. Jesus didn’t do it. Satan then brought Jesus to the top of a tall mountain, and told him that everything he saw could be his, if he bowed down and worshiped Satan. Jesus didn’t do it. Finally, Satan brought Jesus to the roof of a temple, and told him to jump off, and test God. Again, Jesus didn’t do it.

Satan, humiliated by his defeat, agreed to give all his souls to God. He secretly marveled at how controlled and strong-willed Jesus was. However, there was something he didn’t know. While Jesus was in the desert, God had secretly been feeding him mutton, Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, Fig Newtons, gebinah cheese and soup with Matzah balls. So Jesus had had no need for stony bread. God had also given Jesus arthritis, so he couldn’t bow down to Satan. And also Jesus had vertigo. Naturally, God neglected to mention these when He tried to collect His winnings. God was about to win the ancient bet. But at the last moment, Satan noticed that the robe of the supposedly starving Jesus had a mustard stain, and Jesus had a bit of catsup in his beard. The bet was off.

But God did not give up. He felt sure His son would continue his father’s deceptive ways when Jesus said, “I am Christ, and shall deceive many.” (Mark 13:6). Although to protect His bet, God did sternly remind His son that his name was in fact Jesus, not Christ. But Jesus soon realized his own father had given him arthritis and vertigo in order to win a bet. Jesus’ friends Peter, Paul and Mary said, “Physician, heal thyself,” and he did so. He then distanced himself from his Father God.

Jesus declared himself “King of the Jews,” and began telling people, “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6). God believed His son was trying to get a monopoly of souls, leaving God the Father with nothing. So God the Father sent His consigliere Judas to betray him, and Jesus was executed on the cross.

This proved to be a cunning move. God the Father raised Jesus from the dead, created and sent his previously imaginary twin the Holy Ghost to convert more disciples, and thus became a Trinity of Gods. This increased His power and gave Himself three seats at the Celestial Poker Game.

Muhammad and the One Bet Rule

Unfortunately for God, the plan to always have three seats at the Celestial Poker Game backfired. He was continually betting against two players as good as He was, because He was betting against Himselves. Even if He won a hand, He’d still lose, and lose twice–and the version of Himself who won would have to split the winnings with two others. God decided it was time to end the Trinity forever.

He came up with a better plan than using the cave-born, supposed-son-of-a-carpenter Jesus who called himself a shepherd. God would find a real shepherd who had no father. At the beginning of the Seventh Century A.D., He found what He wanted: an orphaned Arabic sheep herder named Muhammad ibn ‘Abdullāh (also spelled Muhammad Ali).

Just as He had convinced Jesus to abandon his job as a carpenter in Nazareth to go into the wilderness, God convinced Muhammad to leave his life as a shepherd in Mecca and retreat to a cave in the surrounding mountains for meditation and reflection. According to Islamic beliefs it was here, at age 40, in the month of Ramadan, where Muhammad received his first revelation. This was delivered by a member of the Angel’s team who was sent by “Allah” (God referred to Himself as Allah so He’d sound Arabic).

According to the Qur’an, the revelation given by Angel Jibreel (Gabriel) was:

“There is no God but Allah. Heed His words, for here they be:
You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.”[7].The cave near Mecca where Muhammad stayed was, according to God’s plan, the same one where Jesus was born. This became known as the Ramada Inn and Gambling Casino. This was the first establishment to follow Allah’s new rule of “one person, one bet.” As one of the Five Pilars of Islam, Muslims are expected to travel there once in their lifetime. There they ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. They then spend the rest of their time there gambling away their life savings and their souls.

But according to the Qur’an, if they lose their souls to Allah, Muslims of either sex will be rewarded in Heaven with a huge mansion, 80,000 servants, and 72 beautiful, willing virgins. Islam quickly became God’s most popular religion, and Muhammad God’s most successful prophet.

Unfortunately for God, Satan intervened. Following the death of Muhammad, he convinced a number of Muslims to “free the souls of the infidels” so God would lose them[8]. He also reinterpreted Qur’an, so that instead of God’s women having full rights, respect and recognition, they had to cover themselves in shame and do whatever men told them[9]. Satan actually intended to free women’s souls and encourage them to escape from God’s tyranny, but the plan backfired.

Writing in A Jew’s Guide to Islam and Other Imitations, Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven wrote, “Muhammad? He claims he sees God at age 40? Again with the 40 thing. Don’t ask me any more about Muhammad and goy gambling. Why can’t we play a nice game of Dreidel?”

God, Satan and Sports

Main article: Sports

With the invention of the printing press, people could now read the holy books for themselves instead of being told by priests, “It all makes sense. Trust us.” Many now realized how foolish religion really was. So the eternal struggle for souls between God and Satan moved back to where it began: Sports.

Team Sports

Team sports were specifically designed by God for winning souls and bets. As non-sports fans have observed, the games are utterly boring unless one bets on a particular team. According to housewife Alice Crabtree, “Take American football. Every game is the same. One guy hikes the ball. The quarterback gets it or he doesn’t. If he does, he tries to run or throw. If he runs, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn’t. If he throws, the receiver either catches it or he doesn’t. If the receiver catches it, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn’t. Boring! Unless, of course, you’ve got a tenner on the game.”

God invented American football, baseball, basketball, cricket, field hockey, ice hockey, polo, and underwater paintball. These sports are an imitation of war, and are all about violence.

Individual Sports

Satan, on the other hand, tried to win bets and souls by creating individual sports that were interesting to watch. This was primarily because participants wore skin tight, skimpy costumes. These included women’s gymnastics, men’s gymnastics, figure skating, bodybuilding, women’s gymastics, cycling, surfing, swimming, diving, and women’s gymnastics. These sports are imitations of love, and are all about sex.

Horse Racing

God’s violent team sports won Him more money, but Satan’s good-looking sports won him more souls. As the primary bet between God and Satan was for souls not cash, this was bad for the Lord.

But God did not give up. He decided to create a sport focused directly on betting itself. Thus He invented horseracing. As Eddie the Bookie wrote in his book, Bet or Die, “Watching horses run in circles over and over and over again is incredibly boring. Everyone who goes to a horse race has to make bets just to keep themselves awake. Fall asleep, and you fall off the stands and get trampled to death.” The odds were so bad that gamblers would end up with nothing to bet but their souls.

God seemed destined to finally win over Satan. But He soon learned that the Devil was no longer His only competition.

God and Gambling in Different Cultures

Atlantic City and Monte Carlo

God faced serious competition for souls and gamblers. In America, the Adam-and-Eve-created Atlantic City began drawing more gamblers than God the Father’s Las Vegas. The sibling god and goddess also drew more and more souls to their Mormon Church (more properly called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As “saints’ means “souls,” the name is a direct mockery of the original God).

Meanwhile, Adam’s ousted first wife Lilith convinced Charles Honoré Grimaldi to declare himself King Charles III and create Monte Carlo in Monaco. This city beat God’s Las Vegas as the Gambling Capitol of the World. (The name “Monte Carlo” translates in English to Lilith’s favorite Monacan activity, which is to “Mount Charles.”)

While undeserved, God blamed Satan for these developments. God knew it was time for a new plan, and a new game.

Dreidel and the Jews

The Talmud and the Mishna both say the gambling game Dreidel was invented by the God-inspired Jew Mattathias. He used it to win back the Holy Temple and its souls in Jerusalem from King Antiochus IV Epiphanes in the 2nd Century B.C. The spinning dreidel is traditionally used by Jews for gambling during the celebration of Mattathias’ victory called Hanukkah (Hebrew: חנוכה‎, pronounced [ˈקanuka], aka Chanukah. This religious holiday is described in detail in Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven’s book, Jewish Words that Make You Spit.)

Later when the Syrian-Greeks forbade Jews gambling because “they were too good at it,” the Jews held secret Dreidel games[10] that were disguised as Bible studies. As the famous Rabbi Akiva said, “Jews without dreidel are like fish without water.”

Bingo and the Pope

Bingo is actually the name of several different gambling games, all approved by God for the monetary benefit of His Church. All versions can be traced back to a lottery game called “Lo Giuoco del Lotto d’Italia” played in Italy in c.1530 (translated into English, the name means “clear out your bank account by playing the Italian lottery”). This was invented by Giulio di Giuliano de’ Medici, which is why God named him Pope Clement VII.

Later, Clement refused to give a divorce to King Henry VIII from his wife and step-sister Catherine of Aragon, who bore Henry daughters but no male heirs. Because of this, King Henry refused to let British people play Bingo, effectively taking away all God’s English souls. God condemned Pope Clement VII for his lack of faith in God’s sex-changing ability, and made the pope eat the lethal death cap mushroom. The British and their colonists in New Zealand and Australia later secretly revived the game as “Housey Housey.”

Dice Games around the World

The Relativity physicist Albert Einstein is famous for saying of God, “I, at any rate, am convinced that He does not throw dice.” Unfortunately for Einstein and the world, Quantum mechanics (and the photo to the right) proved God does. The Lord has inspired people throughout the world to invent dozens of dice gambling games, including Crapaud or Craps (France), Yahtzee (America), Gluckshaus (Germany), Tablero da Gucci (Spain), Chō-Han Bakuchi (Japan), Crown and Anchor (Great Britain), and Mexico (Mexico). God and Satan themselves created dice gambling games, with Satan inventing Demon Dice, and God making Cosmic Wimpout.

Satan and God won a virtually even number of bets and souls through these various dice games, until Satan took a definite lead in the later 20th century. Players began to tire of just throwing dice, so Satan created a game that added other tempting elements designed to win the souls of a multitude of players. In 1974, he invented a new kind of game that used dice, paper and pencil that was called Dungeons & Dragons. In spite of repeated warnings by God’s prophets that this was a game designed to steal souls from God, the roleplaying game flourished. It quickly led to innumerable spinoffs such as Tunnels and Trolls, Vampire: The Masquerade, Toon, Traveller, GURPS, Paranoia, and Munchkin and the Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment.

The Ultimate Competition: The Collaboration

Ultimately, God and Satan did something they had never done before: a collaboration. They invented the In Nomine roleplaying game where players take the side of God (Heaven) or Satan (Hell), and battle it out directly for each other’s souls.[11] The ultimate fate of God’s power and the world’s souls may well be decided here.

Footnotes

  1. ↑ Not to mention that Noah still owed Him money from their last wager.
  2. ↑ It helps to remember that all this swapping babies and sheep occurred before the invention of eyeglasses.
  3. ↑ “Casting Lot” was a precursor to both flipping coins and dice games.
  4. ↑ The 10th Commandment led to the phrase, “you bet your ass.”
  5. ↑ Taking Mary to a movie may not seem impressive until you remember that in those days movies didn’t exist.
  6. ↑ Why did the Angel ask for cab fair? It’s a long ride back to Heaven.
  7. ↑ These holy words of scripture were later put to music by Don Schlitz and performed by Kenny Rogers. The song’s title was one of the most holy names of God, “The Gambler.”
  8. ↑ Satan intended the infidels to be freed from slavery to God, not to be slain. Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding, and encourages all who suffered the loss of family members to send a request for remuneration to Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
  9. ↑ Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding. He desires to free all women from God’s tyranny, and encourages them to uncover themselves and apply for the Devils Cheerleading Squad.
  10. ↑ The spinning dreidel is called teetotum in the shepherd’s section of the Gospel According to Alice (Lewis Carroll translation). “‘Are you a child or a teetotum?’ the Sheep said, as she took up another pair of needles.”
  11. ↑ The ultimate battle between God and Satan was the focus of the 2009 documentary, “Angels & Demons.”

Sacrifice

Filed under: Religion — amerkaj @ 3:12 pm

Sacrifice

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for a priest?

In theology, a sacrifice involves killing an animal or a person, or destroying perfectly good food, as a gift to a deity. The demand of deities for sacrifice is a sort of protection racket.

//

History of sacrifice

Sacrifice enters history with the domestication of the cat. Cats treat their human hosts much as humans treat their gods. For much of the time, cats are content to entirely neglect their religious duties, and ignore their gods and their commandments. On the other hand, cats are likely to demand the attention of their human deities at importunate times.

Cats therefore invented sacrifice in order to claim the attention of their gods. Like the sacrifices offered by humans, a sacrifice made by a cat involves killing some small animal or bird, and laying it at the feet of their deity. Cats find that these sacrifices are usually quite effective at attracting the notice of their gods. Anthropologists agree that humans undertook the practice of sacrifice in imitation of their cats, and that the first animal sacrificed was in fact a cat.

The theology of sacrifice

The practice of sacrifice raises obvious theological issues. Theology typically posits either a single, omnipotent god, or a variety of nigh-omnipotent gods. These gods are said to have power to control the weather, turn volcanoes on and off, and destroy the known universe by an offhand remark.

Priests nevertheless claim that these omnipotent beings are moved and impressed by humans who bring them a dead bird or a dead cow as tribute. A number of explanations have been proposed about reasons why:

  • Sacrifice makes a bloody mess in the temple. You’d probably notice it yourself if a similar mess were made in your house.
  • Sacrificial animals were often burnt. The resulting odor is in some versions said to attract gods.
  • The gods aren’t really as strong as the priests suggest. They need to eat too. In this case, perhaps withholding the sacrifice might be a better strategy for dealing with a recalcitrant deity.
  • Animals contain mana that somehow runs them, much as the blue smoke contained in your computer keeps it going. Sacrifice lets the mana out, which enables the gods to somehow use it, much as the gods want the blue smoke inside your computer.
  • The priests themselves eat the sacrificed animals. Ever see a thin priest? I thought as much.
  • Sacrificial animals serve as scapegoats who pay the penalty for sins that otherwise would have to be paid by the human sinner. Again, the gods aren’t all that their public relations makes them out to be; they are in fact inattentive and easily distracted, and it’s all too easy to convince them that it was really the goat that did it.

Choose your victim

Tradition has hallowed the following items as being especially appropriate for sacrifice:

  • Cats
  • Cows
  • Oxen
  • Virgins
  • Queens
  • Pawns
  • Whooping cranes
  • Hoopoes
  • Cigarettes
  • Liquor, especially rum
  • Pottery
  • Money
  • Television sets
  • Mercedes Benz
  • Paris Hilton

It is important to match the correct victim with the reason why the sacrifice is being offered. A goat is especially appropriate to distract the attention of the gods for any sins you have committed; the gods think goats are capable of anything. Virgins are the traditional offering to influence volcanoes and other weather phenomena. God’s girlfriend may be placated with the sacrifice of a Mercedes Benz, but God’s wife demands the sacrifice of a house. Fortunately, Cthulhu is pretty mellow, and will take whatever you are offering.

The following items are less welcomed by the gods, and as such should only be sacrificed to inferior deities whose threats can be dismissed:

  • Sanrio products
  • Used tires
  • Giraffes
  • Lint
  • Old phone books
  • Lead
  • Leftovers
  • Lab rats
  • Beads
  • Pennies – don’t be ridiculous!

Tradition moreover suggests that some element of ritual be a part of your sacrifice, even if it involves only speaking a few words in a foreign language you do not understand. Etruscan is good.

Human sacrifice

Human sacrifice is perennially popular, largely because it allows you to commit murder under the protection of freedom of religion. It was invented by the Druids, who built Stonehenge as a sort of theatre to accommodate the practice; however, it was perfected by the Aztecs who learned about it via the Druid’s influence in Atlantis. Famous human sacrifice victims include:

  • Jesus H. Christ
  • Joan of Arc
  • Bog Man
  • Robin
  • Swamp Thing
  • Jayne Mansfield
  • Romeo
  • Juliet

For more information about how to properly conduct a human sacrifice, consult Michael Moore’s famous documentary on the subject, Fire Monsters Versus the Son of Hercules. Faiths that continue to practice human sacrifice include Wicca, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Spanish Inquisition, Roman Catholicism, and the Wu Tang Clan.

Pope to appear in Girls Gone Wild film so Americans will know who he is

Filed under: News,Religion — amerkaj @ 9:03 am


Pope to appear in Girls Gone Wild film so Americans will know who he is

16 May 2008

VATICAN CITY, Italy — It has been quite some time since the Pope (leader of some obscure religion apparently) made a visit to the United States. In that time, he has had time to reflect on his visit, and is apparently dismayed by the number of people who had no idea who he was.

In a photoshoot before appearing in the GGW project

A Vatican spokesperson says: “His Holiness was shocked to find himself frequently shoved by passing civilians. He was actually mugged on his way to Ground Zero in New York. Very few people knew who he was, and the only reason people cheered for him when he arrived in Washington DC was because they thought he was the man who played Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars films. Which I guess is understandable. Also, many people thought he was trick-or-treating despite the fact that Halloween was months ago. He was laden with quite a bit of candy, and found this very distressing. Although His Holiness did find the Mars Bars quite scrumptious.”

The Pope has announced his wishes to make himself more known to the American public. He initially hoped to sign a deal with the makers of the Grand Theft Auto games. The deal would have made the Pope the main character of a spin off, Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City. However, before the deal was finalized, Grand Theft Auto IV was released, and the makers of the game were all lynched due to the incredible stupidity of the sequel.

The Pope’s next move was to sign a deal with the makers of the Girls Gone Wild amateur porn films. The Vatican’s spokesman explains: “The pope will not be appearing nude in this film, despite his magnificent breasts. No, he instead will give a sermon at the beginning of the film warning of the dangers of lust. After that, his sermon will be followed with two and a half hours of drunken girl-on-girl action! He’ll become an instant celebrity. The only thing that could make him any more famous would be sleeping with Eliot Spitzer.”

“This is a brilliant public relations move,” says political analyst Justin Cyderhole, “It’ll expose the pope to a whole new generation of people, most of whom have never heard of the Pope and think “the vatican” is a sexual position. Which, incidentally, it is, but that’s not the point. Now, the Pope will show himself to people who normally wouldn’t see him.”

However, the producers of the Girls Gone Wild films are rather concerned about the Pope’s appearance in the film. “He talks for nearly five minutes, which is clearly beyond the attention span of most young American men. I think it’s a shitty idea myself. I mean, the pope leaves all his clothes on! ALL of them!”

Nobody has yet told the Pope that the video he’s introducing is called Girls Gone Wild:Catholic Schoolgirl Slumber Party.”

Seven Deadly Sins

Filed under: Religion — amerkaj @ 8:24 am


Seven Deadly Sins

Satan Loves This Article

The Prince of Darkness — the ultimate purveyor of all things wicked, vile, and malevolent — has personally reviewed this article. The submitter and all subsequent editors are damned to eternal torment in hellfire
Considering selling your soul? For great rates call 1-800-666-EVIL.

One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Seven Deadly Sins! Ha ha ha ha! (Thunder!)

~ Count Dracula on Seven Sins

I didn't do that

~ Kevin Spacey in Se7en

The Seven Deadly Sins, also known as the Capital Vices (Not to be confused with the word VICE) or Cardinal Sins (Not to be confused with the high-ranking catholic priest who molested your little brother), is a classification of the most objectionable vices (Not to be confused with the device for your toothpaste) which has been used since early Christian times to educate and instruct followers concerning (morality) fallen man’s tendency to sin.

The Catholic Church divided sin into two principal categories: (1) “whatever”, which are relatively minor, and no one cares about, and the more severe “Capital” or Mortal sins (Not to be confused with Mortal Kombat). Mortal sins destroyed the life of grace (You bastards! I LOVE her! You killed my imaginary girlfriend, you shitholes!), and created the threat of eternal damnation unless either absolved through the sacrament of Confession, or forgiven through perfect something something something on the part of the penitent, something something bla bla bla bla, yadda yadda.

//

List of Sins

The specifications of the sins themselves evolved in time, in accordance to the prevalent teachings of the church and the moral standards of the people at the time.

Original List of Sins

This is the original list of sins, as given by God through a revelation to the first Pope.

  1. Voting Independant, since if you vote that way you are throwing away your vote.
  2. Misspelling key words of a political cause. Such heathens are already partially punished by God by damaging their brain. The punishment for this is to become George W Bush’ cabinet member in his third term in HELL!
  3. Kitten huffing. This should be self-explanatory. The punishment for this in hell is being raped by rabid kittens with AIDS.
  4. Internet downloading*. Despite RIAA’s wishes, you should not download music off the Internet. Unless you enjoy slaving away for eternity. Your hell punishment will involve you being forced to listen to a continuous loop of Barry Manilow’s songs for eternity.
  5. Winking at a baby. This one is puzzling. Winking has become in today’s culture a positive thing, but back in the days of Ookalumba and Winston Churchill it was thought that winking meant that you were a minion of Biff OR that you were imposing a curse on the winkee’s soul. The punishment for this in hell is having to watch your car get keyscratched.
  6. Buying Music from iTunes. This Sin is so terrible that not only does Satan force you to pay a dollar per song, but he doesn’t let you share your purchases with everyone else.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. Never, never, NEVER milk a goat on Wednesday, or else your soul will be devoured and your mind will be forever tortured in the depths of hell. Also, when in hell your punishment will include having to go through sex-ed in High School all over again.
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).
  9. Hocking a loogie. Performing loogie-hocking, especially in public, is proven to cause innocent bystanders to stop going to church. The punishment for this in hell is forever drinking the loogie from Satan’s retarded brother.

10 masturbating on the downhill parts on a roller coster for this you will have blowjobs from old people

11 fucking shit upfast car chases girls booze explosoins gun shots SIN!!! you will have to go to hell but instead of actualy going in you have to wait 234857238905723052309582908529038529052890359025 hours and don’t think i made up that number

List of Sins during the Roman Empire

After the adoption of Christianity by the Roman Empire, the list of sins are changed to adapt to the practices of Romans at the time

  1. Voting for Independent Caesar-candidate. If you did not vote for one of the main Caesar-candidate, like Octavian or Valentian, you are wasting your vote. Look what happened to Brutus.
  2. Misspelling your Latin Grammar. In case you did not read history, Brian of Nazareth almost got decapitated by a Roman officer because he misspelled his Latin graffiti. Don’t count on the Roman officer to correct your grammar. They have learned their lesson and will castrate you instead.
  3. Huffing the Lions of Circus Maximus. This should be self-explanatory. The punishment for this in hell is being raped by rabid lions with AIDS.
  4. Illegally copying each scroll in the Library of Alexandria. Despite Senate’s wishes, you should not copy all scrolls off the Library of Alexandria. Just because it will take you 1000 years to finish copying the scrolls, it doesn’t mean you won’t be caught or sent to hell.
  5. Winking at a baby Roman Citizen. Unlike the original commandment, you may wink at a baby Slave. Just don’t wink at a baby Roman Citizen.
  6. Buying Harps from iMarket. This Sin is so terrible that not only does Caesar force you to pay a denarius per song, but he doesn’t let you share your purchases with everyone else.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. Wait, sorry. I’m not sure why this one is a sin. Not at this time anyway. Feel free to milk your goat on Wednesday, the day of the God of Odin… wait.. that’s it! YOU HEATHEN! YOU WORSHIP A PAGAN GOD! GUARDS! ARREST THIS HEATHEN AND BURN HIM!
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).

9Hocking a loogie. Performing loogie-hocking, especially in public, is proven to cause innocent bystanders to stop going to church. The punishment for this in hell is forever drinking the loogie from Satan’s retarded brother.

List of Sins during the Crusades

As Muslim empires arose and gained prominence, the clergy has to assert the superiority of their religion to the infidel Muslims.

  1. Voting for the Caliphs. Don’t vote for Caliphs, you terrorist!
  2. Misspelling names of Crusade destinations. This is WHY we lost the crusades. You brought your troops to Canada instead of Israel, you dumbass.
  3. Kitten huffing. This should be self-explanatory. We need the kittens for dinner, since we have shortage of food.
  4. Reading the Bible Unless you are a clergy, reading the Bible is condemned by God. It’s even worse if you dare to blaspheme by claiming to find out inconsistencies and misspellings in the Bible.
  5. Winking at a Christian baby. You may, however, wink at a Saracen baby.
  6. Buying Music from traveling Bards. You are supposed to sing ONLY in the church! This sin is so terrible that not only does Satan force you to pay a crown per song, but he doesn’t let you share your purchases with everyone else.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. HEATHENS! GET HIM!
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).
  9. Not hocking a loogie. In accordance to the medieval code of primitive conduct, you are supposed to be dirty and disgusting.

List of Sins during the Reformation

Since Christendom is divided into Protestants and Catholics, the list become chaotic. However, the Catholic church still maintains dominance in the church’s teachings.

  1. Voting for Martin Luther. Only infidels listen to Martin Luther’s teachings.
  2. Misspelling names of Christian denominations. It’s Presbyterian, not Presbytarian. It’s Protestantism, not Protestanism. It’s Catholicism, not Catholisism. If you get this wrong, God will burn you in hell.
  3. Kitten huffing. whatever.
  4. Reading the Bible If you read the bible, you will start your own denomination. THAT’S WHY WE TOLD YOU NOT TO IN THE FIRST PLACE!
  5. Winking at a Catholic baby. You may wink at a Protestant baby or an Orthodox baby, but winking at a catholic baby will get you to Hell.
  6. Buying Music from Bach. Classical music are only for gays and villains.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. HEATHENS! GET THEM!
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).
  9. Hocking a loogie. Performing loogie-hocking, especially in public, is proven to cause innocent bystanders to stop going to church. The punishment for this in hell is forever drinking the loogie from Satan’s retarded brother.

List of Sins in the modern era

After many evolutions of Christian faiths, this list comprises the culmination of Christian teachings.

  1. Voting Independant, since if you vote that way you are throwing away your vote.
  2. Misspelling key words of a political cause. Such heathens are already partially punished by God by damaging their brain. The punishment for this is to become George W Bush’ cabinet member in his third term in HELL!
  3. Kitten huffing. This should be self-explanatory. The punishment for this in hell is being raped by rabid kittens with AIDS.
  4. Internet downloading*. Despite RIAA’s wishes, you should not download music off the Internet. Unless you enjoy slaving away for eternity. Your hell punishment will involve you being forced to listen to a continuous loop of Barry Manilow’s songs for eternity.
  5. Winking at a baby. This one is puzzling. Winking has become in today’s culture a positive thing, but back in the days of Ookalumba and Winston Churchill it was thought that winking meant that you were a minion of Biff OR that you were imposing a curse on the winkee’s soul. The punishment for this in hell is having to watch your car get keyscratched.
  6. Buying Music from iTunes. This Sin is so terrible that not only does Satan force you to pay a dollar per song, but he doesn’t let you share your purchases with everyone else.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. Never, never, NEVER milk a goat on Wednesday, or else your soul will be devoured and your mind will be forever tortured in the depths of hell. Also, when in hell your punishment will include having to go through sex-ed in High School all over again.
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).
  9. Hocking a loogie. Performing loogie-hocking, especially in public, is proven to cause innocent bystanders to stop going to church. The punishment for this in hell is forever drinking the loogie from Satan’s retarded brother.
  10. Thinking that this list is the same with the first one. After all, there is one additional sin to consider.

December 8, 2009

Be a Good Catholic

Filed under: Religion — amerkaj @ 12:02 pm

HowTo:Be a Good Catholic

AAAA AAAA!
This article has been personally approved by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI. He signed Holy Documents of Approval using his Holy Lightsaber
Warning: Jesus has visited this page and determined conclusively that he does not approve.

Perfect Catholics

Welcome, acolyte. We’d like to proudly present you this guide that will help you become a good member of the Roman Catholic sect Church. Well, if you feel you are a good member, you can at least check to see if you are REALLY good member. You should also know that this guide will not show you the basic rules of the Roman Catholic Church. If you don’t know them, you should look here.

Before we start our holy journey, we’d like to point out that this guide has been approved by both Polish and Spanish episcopates as truthful and accurate and got their certificates AbsolutelyRight2 and FantasticallyDeceiving3 respectively.

//

Beginning

Let’s start our holy journey. Follow these points and be sure you meet the requirements:

  • First of all, you need to be born in a family that has been Catholic for at least three generations. If you have even one heretic in a straight line of your genealogical tree, you should give up now – You won’t be a good Catholic!
  • Secondly, you have to be baptised as an infant so you can be indoctrinated from the time you were born. This was the decision of your parents. If you were baptised as an adult, you will be Catholic, but You won’t be a good Catholic!
  • Oh well, you can give an offering to a priest, who will be so grateful that he will backdate your baptism documents. Don’t worry that it will have a bad influence on your Catholic soul. A priest is a saintly person, and for supporting saintly people you will go to heaven! Always remember: Your donation is your salvation.
  • If you don’t have at least four siblings, you should give up now. That means that your parents are heretics that use condoms, so they have no idea how to do it as God obliged people to do, or they just don’t do it so they are idiots, or they are infertile and as we all know, infertility is God’s punishment for your mom behaving like a slut in her youth.
  • If you meet all the requirements listed above, you can start your journey to become a good Catholic!

All requirements of being good Catholic

Money

Money is an important part of a Catholic’s life, probably the most important. The Pope builds his Catholic Empire on money from worshippers and yes, you guessed it: you are going to be one of them. Check to see if you can meet the monetary requirements for being a good Catholic:

  • Remember, each time you visit the Home of God, you need to give some offerings to a priest. World Crisis is not an excuse. You can’t let your parish go bankrupt… Don’t give coins; it’s an insult for God! He sacrificed his son for your sins, so open your purse and give your banknote with the most zeros on it!
  • If you are actually poor, that means that God knew you would be miserly so he took his part already.
  • When a priest visits your home, you should give him a generous donation or Hell fire will burn you!
  • A Bishop does not have never-ending wealth. You should send him some money once a month. Or at least once every two months.
  • It is in good taste is supporting your Cardinal. Send him something once a year.
  • The Pope also has financial troubles. Recently, he couldn’t buy a new diamond-made lamp. Instead, he had to buy a lamp made of ruby. Do you think that is OK? Go to your post office and send him some money!
  • If you don’t agree with the conditions above, you should give up now. You won’t be a good Catholic, you filthy miser!

Attitude to church authorities

You shall listen to this guy. It’s even better if you always agree!

Church authorities are important in every kind of religion. In the Catholic church, there is a big hierarchization of authorities. You need to have respect for them:

  • Love your God more than the other’s Muhammad.
  • Love your Pope more than your God.
  • Love your Cardinal more than your Pope.
  • Love your Bishop more than your Cardinal.
  • Love your Bishop more than another’s Bishop.
  • Love your Priest more than all the above together.
  • Priest from local parish is your only authority in all religion cases. He always knows better what higher instance thought. Your Priest’s word is a saint’s word!
  • Remember that being a priest is a higher form of existence; therefore they do not have to do pee or poo.
  • Remember that your priest cannot be poor (go back to earlier points if you do not remember).
  • Your Priest is always right. Your Priest says that!
  • Priests ARE NOT paedophiles, ARE NOT homosexual and NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER have any kind of intercourse with anybody, including themselves.
  • If you don’t agree with the statements above, you should give up now. You won’t be a good Catholic, you unfaithful scum!

Liturgy

  • High Mass can’t be funny or cool for you or you will become baptist, and for the Catholic Church, baptists are heretics. During High Mass, you shall be sad and grave.
  • During High Mass, the order of importance is this: the priest, your wallet, the cross, altar and High Mass’ intention.
  • One thing you never, ever, ever can do is miss High Mass on Sunday! Otherwise you are a heretic! You have surgery!? Who the hell cares! Run to church because the priest needs your money!
  • You really have to like going to church.
  • Your Priest is always right (we know it has already been in this guide, but you really need to remember this…).
  • He is right even whem he is not right.
  • However, if he is wrong, he is in fact right.
  • If your priest is not right, he is right anyway.
  • If you still don’t get it, you have to be retarded.
  • If you don’t agree with the statements above, you should give up now. You won’t be a good Catholic, you unfaithfully happy Westboro Baptist Church member!

Everyday life of a Catholic

  • You shall pray as often as possible, but don’t go crazy with it! Otherwise you can become a batpist and that’s definitely not good.
  • You shall have three copies of the HOLY BIBLE. However, you can’t read the Bible or, what is much worse, understand it. Understanding the Bible is for Jehovah’s Witnesses.
  • You can’t eat meat on Fridays. Just accept it and it will be cool. No, you can’t eat meat even if it is the only food available to you at the time. No! No meat on Fridays. Just, just accept it, OK?
  • You should permanently join your hand to your rosary. This way you will be showing your dedication to Saint Virgin Mary and you won’t lose it.
  • You should note down every sin you committed. That makes it easier at confession.
  • You should go to priest for confession at least once a month. Of course you have to bring with you a nice amount of money for his troubles.
  • If the above statements are not right for you, give up now. You won’t be a good Catholic!

Holy war

  • Actually, “holy war” is the basis of the everyday life of a Catholic. Yes, Muslims are better show offs, but trust me, Catholics also have their Jihad.
  • First of all, you shall watch only Catholic TV, listen to Catholic radio and read only Catholic newspapers to protect yourself from bad influence coming to you from the bad Jewish Communistic world full of heathens.
  • You shall not think that everything good on this world comes from God and everything bad comes from the Devil. No! That’s what Protestants say! Everything bad on this world comes from Jews, Communists and atheists, and the Roman Catholic Church is fighting against those heretics!
  • Remember, every Protestant, Baptist or Mormon is a heretic and every Eastern Orthodox Catholic is a schismatic! Don’t confuse those definitions. Heretics are destined to be burnt at the stake after cruel tortures, and schismatics can be converted to Roman Catholicism!
  • Remember that each atheist is a blasphemer and heretic at the same time! You shall kill any atheist at once!
  • Remember that each deist is also blasphemer and heretic at the same time! It’s a lesser level than atheist but they are also destined to be killed at once.
  • But remember that each agnostic is an idiot as he just doesn’t know. You can’t blame him for that. However, you shall kill him using holy fire, and God will know if he was ours or not ours.
  • Kill each Satanist you see. It’s not against the Ten Commandments; it’s getting closer to salvation.
  • You should cite the Bible each time you have any conversation with anybody. Or maybe not..that’s what Protestants are doing. Forget about this point.
  • You shall argue to the bitter end that God exists and is Catholic!
  • Each argument ends by using holy fire to burn your opponents that are of course heretics.
  • Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Don’t sleep during High Mass!
  • Atheism doesn’t exist! It’s just another heresy!
  • Crusade against Jihad!
  • Use holy fire against suicidal bomb attacks!
  • You also shall accept and execute all statements above, otherwise You won’t be a good Catholic!

Contraception

  • Contraception was invented by heretics.
  • If you use any kind of contraception, you are a heretic!
  • Each intercourse shall end with pregnancy. Otherwise, intercourse will be a deadly sin! Oh, you also can be infertile but it’s God’s punishment as this occurs only when you want to have children.
  • If you did it in any other position than classical, you have committed a deadly sin! It’s worse than using condoms!
  • If you don’t want to have children, go buy a layette. You can expect a baby in 9 months.
  • If you don’t want to make your Catholic Family bigger, you are a heretic working on the Devil’s side! Go to hell!
  • You can’t have prurience! It’s sin!
  • The only acceptable methods of spending onself are: adding bromine to your morning cereal, and looking at Rosie O’Donnell.
  • Each spermatozoon is saintly! It’s potential life. If you waste it, you are a sinner!
  • If you even think about using condoms, remember that using one causes salmonella, mumps, scurvy, staphylococcus, glaucoma, eczema, plague, ebola, denga and AIDS. Using condoms can also make you bald, redundant, depressed and addicted to alcohol. All that leads to masturbation, and if you practice that: you will burn in hell!
  • If you think that haveing children and not using contraception is not for you, give up. You won’t be a good Catholic!

Masturbation

Masturbation is one of worst things that a Roman Catholic can ever do! Never, ever, ever masturbate yourself! Or you will go blind! And you will get tetanus! And AIDS! Masturbation is absolutely forbidden for all Roman Catholics! If you masturbate, you can die! You will die and go to hell! Don’t do this! If you think you are an ugly bastard and you think you can’t live without masturbation, give up now because You won’t be a good Catholic!

Abortion

Abortion is another deadly sin, equal to murder. If you want to be a good Catholic, you can’t even think about having an abortion (for you or your girlfriend… WIFE! It’s obvious you can’t have intercourse before your wedding!). However, we have few simple rules about abortion:

  • Jesus in Scrubs TV Series said that Every life is precious. And that means simply: no abortion!!!
  • Abortion is a murder and sin. You will burn in hell after having an abortion!
  • Oh well… If the parents are drug takers with no future… NO!!!! ABORTION IS A MURDER!!!! It doesn’t matter that half of egg cells are automatically removed from a woman’s body as part of a natural process!
  • Abortion can’t be done even if giving birth to a child can kill the pregnant woman!
  • Abortion can’t be done even for a 12-year-old girl! She shall be a virgin up to her wedding day!
  • Abortion can’t be done even for a raped woman (even if she is a 12-year-old girl)!
  • Abortion can’t be done even for the victim of a mass rape (even if she is a 12-year-old girl)!
  • Abortion is a murder!!!

Roman Catholic and dogmas

  • All Catholic dogmas are true. Well…you say some of them were not mentioned in the Holy Bible? Well…God forgot and he is providing these forgotten dogmas to us so we can spread them around the Roman Catholic world.
  • Saint Virgin Mary was born from a virgin; she bore Jesus while a virgin and she also died as a virgin. Impossible? Then fuck off! You won’t be a good Catholic if you don’t believe that!
  • God is magnificient, merciful and he loves everyone! You need to really believe that or this God will slap the door to Heaven in your face.
  • You don’t have to be circumcized if you want to be a good Catholic. That’s why Catholics are better than Jews.
  • You can’t be circumcised!!! Even if you had phimosis! Suffering is a way to salvation!
  • If you don’t agree with the above dogmas, give up now, because You won’t be a good Catholic.

Death of a Catholic

  • A Catholic should die in his bed while praying on his rosary and holding a blessed-wax candle in his hands. Of course there should be a priest next to him waiting for at least 10% of his will.
  • Every Catholic has to have a Catholic funeral (with obvious costs; the priest needs to sacrifice his time for that). There can’t be any heretic within 10 kilometres. Take care of any heretics in the area by using holy fire.
  • Actually, you can’t really take care of your own funeral arrangements. Well, you should force your family to give you an appropriate funeral but they can be lame and will not do it…Well, then your family is not really Catholic and, if the statements above are not fulfilled, You weren’t a good Catholic!

Summary

Well…If you came through this difficult way and you meet all requirements and you agree all statements…You are a good Catholic!!!

But if you miss even one requirement…then You are not a good Catholic. Your future depends on your choices. If you were a bad Catholic, you will go to hell. If you were a heathen, you will go to your own Heaven or Hell or in what you believe. If you were an atheist, it’s enough to engrave on your tomb, I’m not going anywhere!

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