Writer's Caffe

December 21, 2009

Teenager

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 6:32 pm
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Teenager

You may be looking for Teenagers (Animal) and not even know it!

Get off my lawn!

~ Adults on teenagers

It's so unfair!

~ Teenagers on everything

Eddie found himself a white womens!

Teenagers have always been a threat to us. Always hanging around everywhere, causing trouble and whatnot. Setting a bad example for the young ones, the only ones that actually look up to them. I tell you, teenagers have never done anything for the greater good. If they aren’t out in the middle of the night causing trouble, chances are they’re laying around in the basement doing drugs or something of the sort. Teenagers are the number one factor for parents to kill their children just before their thirteenth birthdays, just to keep them from becoming teenagers. Never do anything for nobody, just out there causing trouble, day and night… lousy teenagers.

//

History

They been around for almost as long as Jesus. They didn’t start getting bad until after Marilyn Manson was in school. It was a coincidence that, as soon as s/he graduated, people started hearing “Oh, those teenagers have been causing trouble at the football games again,” or, “Oh, them teenagers are complaining about ‘so and so’ again.” Things really started to go downhill after the war though, and after old people began to make shitty uncyclopedia articles about teenagers, written entirely in the fuckin’ first person. Luckily, a local teenager who actually gives a shit about stuff cleaned it up so it looked more like an encyclopedia entry than a diary entry.

Anyway, they started having kids. They were everywhere, and adults began to dread the day they became their parents age; they thought they would be just the same. The day finally came along, and they turned out to be worse than their parents. Those Hippies started complaining about the governments, and the wars, which, according to meticulous research, was all those damn kids ever did.

Some still held out hoping that things would get better after the war, but as soon as the soldiers came back, they all just started being rude, lazy assholes. They refused to respect adults for what they did, and decided to shun them instead.

Today, the teenagers are much nicer. They don’t shoot anybody; they just sucker punch them. In rare occasions, they would go out of their way to make your life miserable. Blocking subway doors, staring at your “jugs”, blaring music, and talking loudly are, simply, their best asset. But, compared to today’s adults, teenagers are like a kitten, running away from a rabid raccoon, the adults. Damn bastards, trying to tell us what to do…

Now that’s hard work. I’m sure he never took life for granted.

Work Ethic

Who needs a work ethic with a sex drive like that anyway? Few “hard-working teenager” sightings have been reported since the 60’s. Back in the medieval times, women, young boys, and teenagers would have to wake up at 4:30 and go out in the bitter cold to feed the animals, milk the cows, bang a girl or two, collect the chicken eggs, and help make breakfast. Then they would have to walk 10 miles uphill, both ways, in the freezing rain, to go to school so we could get ourselves a proper education, so they would have the right to whine curmudgeonly about how hard it was. We also had to fight a troll on the way, but we recieve experience points for that. Today, the kids don’t have any work ethic, because times have changed.

Sure, most are spoiled and never do anything for themselves, (Except getting sex, lots and lots of sex. Plus drugs, lots of drugs.) If those old fucks had acted the way teenagers do now, they would have been flogged, doused in vinegar, and castrated. It doesn’t help that alleged parents of teenagers keep buying them all sorts of fancy gizmos, without expecting anything back from the lazy bums. It is expected of the majority of the teenaged population to have learned a thing or two before they become adults, says a recent study from the Newcastle Retirement Home research team.

Look at this teenager attacking Tokyo… tsk, tsk.

Social Complex

“Complex” is an understatement. A teenager’s social life is simple … all they have to do is sit around and talk on the phone all day, and if they ever even bother to get outside the house they always have “cellular electroradiotelephones” with them. They never seem to care about anyone but themselves, even when they’re in a relationship, they usually neglect each other and never seem to be with each other. Whens teens get together, they move in packs of 3,5,13, or any other odd number. Its not currently know why they group in odd numbers, but research is underway. If teens do get together, it’s always with a bunch of others of their kind, and their main ritual is causing trouble for everybody. It’s true, one teenager’s bad enough, but if a few of them congregate, it’s hell.

Other than just hanging out in little groups, one sees them alone, walking around. Attempts to be polite, have so far failed to elicit a reply. According to many senior citizens, it’s only fair that they are treated the same way. “Step on their toes, cane ’em in the knee, whatever I can think of to get back at ’em for all those years they took from me” is what Mr. Pitters, a token senior says on the issue. He’s not the only one either, just about all crotchety oldies feel the same way, especially those who participate in bingo, bacarat, or bridge. All of the old farts agrees that the world would be a better place if it weren’t for teenagers. They say this, of course, without realising that the world’s population would be wiped out without them, and that the old people themselves are more useless than they claim teenagers to be.

Habits

Sleeping habits of teenagers have been in high disarray. Other habits, like ugly girls who go to parties, get guys drunk, and come back home pregnant. One would feel sorry for them if it wasn’t what they were planning for in the first place.

Sleeping Habits

According to a WTAJNG (Why Teens Are Just No Good) survey, these are teenagers’ favorite activies.

Teenagers don’t usually go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. They claim they’re studying their books. But The Royal Society of Retired Batshits figure that if they would actually study, they’d get better grades and do something with their life, instead of just lying around. Anyway, since they don’t get to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning, they usually don’t wake up until 1 or 2.

They might show up to school late and blame it on studying, but they normally just don’t bother. They end up sitting in the basement some more, blaring music so loud everyone in town can hear. Better than the weekends I suppose, they tend to stay up about twice as late those nights, and they’re always a lot more rowdy in lieu of parties. Teenagers are rarely seen during the day when the aged populace is out and about.

Eating Habits

The eating habits are probably the most interesting thing, which isn’t saying much. They’re only interesting because they vary so much. You see, the males will eat anything in sight, cause they all want to be big and strong…much like fat people, only they don’t get fat. But some of them do.

The guys all want to be big and strong, much like Chuck Norris, but the girls all like to be small and skinny because they think it makes them prettier. In this case, anorexia can be a problem. To solve it, tell her she’s skinny enough, and maybe, JUST maybe, she’ll stick her finger down her throat and “blow chunks” on your Ecko shirt or your Timberland shoes. How do you like them apples? Not tasty, are they?

Strange thing is, though, they never seem to eat in front of each other. Too embarrassed I guess. I always see them alone, at home, munching on whatever they can find usually. What they eat is never very healthy, always chips, or cookies, or mac and cheese. Or, if they’re extremely fat, lazy, or just don’t feel like it, nothing at all. They don’t seem to worry much about their health, and yet most of them never get ill. It’s miraculous how teenagers can do anything and not get hurt, sick, or, in rare circumstances, laid. It’s like they’re…invincible! They’re like the modern-day Supermen! Seniors, a word of caution: you might not want to jump off a building on a skateboard. You might…crack a hip. That’s it. Crack a hip. Where a teenager would only get a skinned knee, not crack their head open or a hip.

Role in Society

Teenagers don’t do anything at all to help the community, except when they’re caught shoplifting and have to do community service. It doesn’t work to educate them, but at least they can’t cause harm when they’re at it. According to the stereotype, teenagers only seem to harm society, if you think about it. They are always breaking the law by drinking, doing drugs, loitering, and making Chuck Norris jokes.

Overall

Overall, teenagers aren’t much good for anything. Not good for working, not good for teaching, and not good for talking to. They’re pretty much not good for anything, other than the occasional cane-beating by pissed off old fogies who take out their anger by bitching on uncyclopedia in an unfunny way. Although, if we ever run out of food, one could just eat a few of them. Hell, it didn’t do me any harm.

That old woman next door

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 6:26 pm
Tags: , , ,

That old woman next door

She’s up there… watching, waiting, smoking…

Jesus Christ, she's old!!

~ Neighbor on That old woman next door

You know, for an old hag, she's quite fine in the bag

~ Oscar Wilde on That old woman next door

That's not humanly possible!

~ records of That old woman next door born in 1801 A.D.

That old woman next door has owned her house since before you were born. Her house isn’t like anyone else’s house, because it’s really old, and has a tower. The siding is badly weathered, and there is a tin patch on the roof.

//

Her habits

The old woman leaves her house twice each week. Every Sunday morning, she is picked up by a man in a green Cadillac; on Wednesday evenings, it’s a white-haired lady in a blue Dodge Dart, chewing on a German Snackard.

Once, your mother sent you over to her house with a piece of mail that got delivered to your house by mistake. Just when you got up on the porch and were about to put it in her box, she came out and grabbed your wrist and wanted to know “what you thought you were doing” with her mail. When you told her that your mother sent you over because the postman dropped the letter in your mailbox by mistake, she got this crazed look in her eyes, tightened the grip on your wrist, and said “we’ll see about that.” Then she let go of your wrist and disappeared inside. After that, if you found any of her mail left by mistake, you just threw it away, because you didn’t want to have to deal with that crazy old bitch ever again.

Her family

A rare glimpse of the Old Woman Next Door.

The guy driving the Cadillac is her son, Delmar. Delmar has a wife that he found in a catalog called Cherry Blossoms, and a couple of kids, but they don’t come along with Delmar every time he visits. When they do, your mother tells you to be really nice to his son Les, but not to get too close to him. And whatever you do, do not let him show you that “neat-o” collection of toys that he has in the barn behind the house. Evidently “Leslie” went to a special school because he wanted to be a doctor, and he’s been caught playing “hospital” a few too many times with other kids in the neighborhood. If you won’t go into the barn with him, he’ll pass the time using a magnifying glass to burn ants to death on the sidewalk, because the old lady doesn’t like him going into the house either.

Delmar’s daughter, for some reason, parades around the front yard hoping that you’ll notice that she’s playing alone. She’s playing alone because she’s the sort of girl who starts out being a fun playmate, but then she starts wailing on you. When her mother catches that going on, she comes over and starts yelling at you, and then bitch-slaps her daughter and tells her to get in the car and be quiet.

Meanwhile, the old lady’s daughter Marla is, in fact, a vampire. You know this because you heard your parents call her a Lady of the Night one evening after they saw her leave the old lady’s house. And if you think about it, you’ve never seen her in the daytime. As a matter of fact, the only other time you ever saw her is when your father pointed her out on a street corner while she was supposed to be “working.” But she wasn’t wearing a cape, just hot pants and a spandex jacket.

What’s inside?

I tried to get a picture of all the cats but they just scatter before I can get close enough. Except for this black cat, it just sits there and stares at me.

Your mother has been in the old woman’s house just once. That was when the rescue squad arrived and put the old woman on a stretcher, and took her to the hospital after something bad happened to her. When you asked your mother what was in there, her response was: “Well, just what do you think is in there?”

Well, if you knew what was in there, you wouldn’t have to ask! Duh?

Of course, you have no idea what’s in there, because the windows that face your house always have the shades drawn. But what ever it is that’s in there, it smells like fried food and Camel cigarettes. You never see anything actually happening in there either, and every Halloween the place is as dark as pitch.

Indeed, the only time that you’ve ever seen anything even remotely resembling human activity in that house was on two occasions when you were outside playing, and you happened to look up at her house and see into one of the windows just before the lace curtain twitched and closed. Once, when you were up in your room in the middle of the night, you got up and pulled the shade aside just wide enough look over to the house — and you saw the tip of her cigarette glowing red-hot from the dark window facing yours. She must not have noticed you, because she smoked that entire cigarette.

Delivery of Oxygen

The old lady next door now has an oxygen canister delivered to the house every Monday morning by a man in a truck. She’s on oxygen because she’s ruined her lungs smoking those cigarettes. According to her grandson, she hasn’t quit smoking even though there is a danger sign on the side of the oxygen canister telling her not to smoke anywhere near it. But she lights up anyway, one right off the other. You just hope that when she does go kaboom she’ll be somewhere else, like church.

What’s under her porch?

There are hundreds of cats that live under her back porch, to whom she feeds scraps that don’t smell very good. When the cats get really hot, twice a year, they complain loudly by wailing in an ungodly chorus of sounds that make you wonder: are they suffering, or are they having fun? Sort of like what your parents sound like when they go into their room to discuss something really important and flip the lock on the door.

Solicitors

One day, after the Mormons visited your house, your mom got really excited. It wasn’t just because they had left – it was because the next house down the street was hers. You both looked out the window to see what would happen. When they got near the house, one of them started toward it, but the other Mormon grabbed his arm and pulled him back. And here you thought Mormons weren’t afraid of anything.

December 12, 2009

Napoleon Bonaparte

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 9:39 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte upon his noble steed. This image may seem irresponsibly large, but trust me, Napoleon would have wanted it that way.

I knew that guy. Big, tall, intimidating fellow amirite? Teehee!

~ Oscar Wilde on Napoleon Bonaparte

BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW!

~ Napoleon Bonaparte on his favorite song by Judas Priest

I speak three languages: French, English and Russian. To talk with my cold hard bitch, I use French. For diplomatic correspondences, I use English. And while caressing my horses, I use Russian.

~ Napoleon Bonaparte on on Russians

Well at least I wasn't the only idiot who made the mistake of invading Russia.

~ Hitler on Napoleon Bonaparte

We Surrender!

~ Post Napoleanic French on Their New National Motto

Napoleon “Torrez” Bonaparte was an French military officer, King of Italy, Emperor of France, and a tall man who, as the picture here seems to depict, is apparently a motorcycle enthusiast. He rose to prominence after ending the Reign of Terror that followed the French Revolution, and replacing it with his Reign of a Moderate But Tolerable Amount of Fear. He is famous for being the first person in the French military since Charlemagne to not fellate his troops, being vertically challenged, instituting the Napoleonic Code, pwning most of Europe before losing everything to an Englishman who was named after his boots, being vertically challenged, and getting really ticked off whenever some smartass remarked that he didn’t look very much like Jon Heder. Napoleon is regarded by everyone to be the biggest BAMF in history, famous as one of the greatest military strategists for using his new tactic of blowing the crap out of anything that moves. Especially limeys.

Also, he was tall.

//

Childhood

He was born in 1756 on the island of Corsica and again in 1769 on the Island of Lesbos in Greece. His father was Italian and spoke an Argentinian dialect of Latin-Italian language; his mother was Italian, a putanna who spoke Icelandic and Scots Gaelic, therefore Napoleon grew up speaking Platt-Deutsch. As a child, he loved knocking over the creations of stupid Jenga nerds, so he knew he would join the military some day. As a young child his justification for his actions was usually “Because it was funny.” This was also his justification for taking over Europe. He was fond of saying “Der Furz hat keine nase” just before letting go with a SBD fart. He also enjoyed learning Italian customs. Although many assholes noted scholars Americans like to point out that Napoleon is Corsican few point to the fact that he was a potato trapped in a man’s body. Hitler liked dogs, and we say this to point out the fact that you can say something nice about almost anyone. Sadly, this is not true of Napoleon. As a result of Napoleon’s Corsican birth, many of his troops mistook his war cries for an Italian charge and turned to face the war cry’s source, only to realize it is their general. Napoleon has hovered very close to death on countless occasions as a result.

As a child, he prefered to be called Nappy so many of his fellow Corsicans who wanted him to dominate the world called him “baby Nappy” early on. He spent countless hours playing with his GI Joes, usually in the backyard of the crotchety Russian who lived next door. Growing up in a town where most men stood at least 7’0″, Napoleon was teased about his rather modest[1] height of 3’1″. Scholars believe that this teasing — which crushed his dreams of playing professional basketball and made Napoleon excessively self-conscious of his moderate stature — resulted a tendency to overcompensate in all of his personal endeavors. This condition is known as a Napoleon complex,[2] not to be confused with a Neapolitan complex, which is an illogical obsession with mixed-flavor ice creams.[3]

Early career

Of course, Corsica is boring as hell, so Napoleon joined the French Army as soon as he could. He originally wanted to be in the cavalry, but his superiors told him that the Army didn’t use elephants ponies. Unfortunately, Napoleon didn’t realize that they were insulting his height until they were out of the room, so he couldn’t deliver a snappy comeback. He next tried the infantry, which turned out to be a bust as well, as everyone assumed he was a god and wanted to put him in a temple.

That left the artillery. Napoleon took to it immediately. Something about firing those big, long, powerful cannons just made him feel better about himself. Plus, it takes a lot of cajones to insult a man for being tall when he’s aiming a 6-foot-long gun right at your crotch. Thanks to this newfound love of bossing people around, he was soon promoted to Captain of his brigade. Next, he invented several brilliant strategies, including his clever “trying to figure out what the other guy is going to do ahead of time”, the devious “skipping the wine and cheese parties, getting off your lazy butts and fighting the goddamn battle,” “hiding in the bushes and trees and ambushing the enemy with tomohawks and dynamite,” and the most cunning and revolutionary strategy of all, “not surrendering.”

Because of his ingenious tactics, Napoleon rose to the top of the French military.Soon many of the Republic’s elite distrusted him and decided to send him on a mission to defeat the armies of Ancient Egypt. The Pharaoh and his charioteers fought bravely against hopeless odds, but were finally defeated when Napoleon personally used an artillery gun to blast the nose off of the mighty Sphinx. Fearing the Great Pyramids would be next, Pharaoh surrendered and Egypt was libre.

Napoleon’s ascent was helped by the fact that most of the people who outranked him found themselves beheaded during the Reign of Terror the most famus of wich was the assanation of Peppy La Peow. Since rampant fear and paranoia tend to get a little tedious after a while, the members of the French government (the ones who still had their heads, at least) asked Napoleon to use the French Army to restore order, because few things can calm out-of-control political situations like the judicious use of military dictatorship.

When one politician pointed out that Napoleon could use this opportunity to seize power for himself, he was quickly rebuked by his colleagues. After all, it wasn’t like the French people would allow themselves to be represented in world affairs by a giant person, right?

Napoleon was in fact considered to be the meanest general because if you didn’t like what he said he could easily punch you in the tender region below the belt often known as a pussy region for many. Therefore nobody every opposed him.

Getting to sit in the cushy seat

“A throne is only a bench covered with surround sound speakers and a cup-holder untill I make several assprints on it!”

~ Napoleon talking to Tsar Alexander

Well, it turned out that the French people emperors were usually taller and cooler than kings. As the new monarch, Napoleon I was entitled to all. French people didn’t mind Napoleon’s tallness at all, as such details are easy to ignore when that person has all of the guns. Sure enough, in 1804, he got himself crowned Emperor of France, reasoning that of the amenities that came with the position, the most notable being an increased success rate at picking up chicks and getting laid. He had already married Josephine de Beauharnais in 1798, who by all accounts was one of the hottest pieces of ass in France at the time. Granted, she was about a foot taller than he was, but most people were polite enough not to bring that up.

Pwnage of Europe

Napoleon naturally aroused the jealousy of other Europeans by being such a great (but tall) guy in everything, from military to fashion, from politics to cookery. The British eventually grew weary of him, mostly because he was “so bloody French”, as the Duke of Wellington put it. Thus, when Napoleon decided to invade Italy, there was some cause for concern, but everybody figured it was okay because he was already Italian to begin with. However, when he decided he wanted Austria, too, an international coalition gathered to stop him. Unfortunately, they forgot to take into account Napoleon’s madd skillz at Risk™ and Stratego™, and as a result, the Emperor of France got to add most of Western Europe to his ever-growing list of potential sites for his country estate.[8]

A minor stnank

Apparently, the man didn’t know Russia got cold in the winter.

After conquering most of Europe, Napoleon set his sights on Russia to further his goal of making history associate his name with really, really big things.[9] Thus, in the summer of 1812, he gathered the Grande Armée and marched towards Moscow. All went as planned, except for two minor oversights on Napoleon’s part. First, he’d intended for his troops to live off the land during their invasion, but Napoleon quickly found out that Russia was pretty much a barren wasteland.[10] Second, Napoleon’s map of Europe was apparently not drawn to scale, because the journey from Paris to Moscow took a bit longer than expected. Russia, it turned out, was big. Really, vastly, truly huge. Not only did this put a huge strain on supply lines, it meant that the troops were constantly asking “Are we there yet?” Several times Napoleon had to threaten to turn the army around and go straight back to France if they didn’t settle down.

Anyhow, as a result, by the time Napoleon reached the Kremlin’s gates, he had to tangle with the Russian military’s most potent force: General Winter.

Even though Napoleon’s forces numbered 691,501 men[11] while Winter had only -40° C,[12] the battle was surprisingly close. But in the end, Napoleon had to accept defeat, as the vast majority of his army eventually reverted to the pansiness that the French military had been known for in days of yore and started whining and complaining about things getting frozen in the cold, including their wine, their cheese, their baguettes, and their limbs. The wusses. However, Napoleon argued at the time that this was not a retreat from Moscow — the Emperor had merely decided that he’d have more success advancing on Paris. Furthermore, he later claimed that he’d changed his mind about adding Russia to his collection since its all-white color scheme didn’t suit the more festive decor of France, Spain, and Italy.

Arguably, Napoleon’s military career peaked with the invasion of Russia. However, Winter’s military career was just getting started, as the Russian Winter would later go on to display similar brilliance in dealing with the German army in 1941-1942. As a result, many military historians now regard the Russian Winter as the greatest military strategist in history.

Exile

When Napoleon returned to France, the Allied forces (who had been camping on the outskirts of Paris) ambushed him and and forced him to abdicate his throne. They then banished him to the island of Elba, in the Mediterranean Sea, where he wouldn’t be able to bother anyone ever again.

Or rather, he wouldn’t have bothered anyone ever again if Amnesty International hadn’t complained loudly that the excessive boredom of Elba constituted a deprivation of Napoleon’s dignity and was therefore a form of torture that had been outlawed by the Geneva Convention. As a solution, it was suggested that the former monarch be given an infantry unit and a ship to keep himself occupied. Though several parties vocally opposed this measure, claiming that Napoleon would almost certainly abuse these privileges, eventually they gave in, just to get the pinkos to shut up.

Waterloo

Due to British Home Office cock ups, Napoleon was released from Elba accidently and within one hundred days, he’d amassed an army of over 9000 and was back in Paris, governing like nothing had happened. After multiple I-told-you-so’s were exchanged, the Allies, lead by the Duke of Wellington, went off to put Napoleon in his place again.

Here, however, Napoleon met his metaphorical Waterloo when the two armies met at a place called, curiously enough, Waterloo, in Belgium.[13] It was as if, again, history was repeating itself noted several nordic proto-UN peacekeepers.[14] It was a bloody battle, full of carnage and strife, with both sides sustaining massive casualties[15], punctuated by breaks for waffles. However, in the end, Napoleon got his ass handed to him on a platter after Wellington’s tactically brilliant move of yelling “Look behind you! It’s a Russian winter!”.

It was as if, again, history was repeating itself noted several nordic proto-UN peacekeepers.

Exile (again)

The allies exiled Napoleon to Gotham City’s Arkham Asylum, which is an island in the middle of a pond of toxic water (or somewhere in Poland). This time, the whiny liberals were told to STFU and GTFO, and Napoleon didn’t get any military units to play with, not even his leaded plastic army of lesbian aliens, which he so dearly loved to blow up with fireworks or the ones made in Malaysia with the so-called ‘Mercun KLCC’. They didn’t even let him bring his Risk™ board, either, even though nobody plays Risk™ on St. Patrick’s ass. This left him with absolutely nothing to do, except pacing, counting the dots on the ceiling tiles in his bedroom (69,105), and scrimshaw. They also took away his platform shoes, which meant he had to go back to moping about his tallness and also his stupid hat, which make him look like the shorter version of King Neptune which left SpongeBob’s eyes blinded.

Napoleon died with a smile in 1824. Later, traces of laughing gas were found in his retarded lungs, suggesting that he had a last sex moment with The female Joker. Some historians cited this as evidence that Napoleon was murdered by excessive raping by Dolly Parton , and it is much easier to agree with them if you want them to shut the fuck up, because let’s face it, nothing’s worse than a pushy historian like your mother. Other scholars claim that he died of super dick cancer, and that anyone who thinks otherwise has never had to spend a year wearing Laura Bush’s panties. Still other historians point to a large number of stinking socks observed in the area, which could be evidence of a Saudi Arabian winter. However, for what it’s worth, I think it was Col. Sanders in the hot pot with a few chicken feathers which gave him the idea of KFC(Kentucky Fucked Chicks).

Accomplishments

  • Napoleon has chinballitis
  • Napoleon got a cake named after him.
  • Someway, somehow, little children seem to get that three-flavor ice-cream with the crappy strawberry stuck between the chocolate and vanilla that is neopolitan, confused with Napolean.
  • People in Norway still likes his hat.

Footnotes

  1. ↑ When I say “rather modest,” I of course mean “ridiculously puny.”
  2. ↑ And if you need me to tell you how it got that name, you’re hopelessly stupid.
  3. ↑ Of course, being Italian, Napoleon suffered from this as well.
  4. ↑ Or Major, or Sargeant… ah, who cares?
  5. ↑ Actually, he was pretty much ripping off Sun Tzu, but nobody bothered to check because they were distracted by Napoleon’s huge cannon.
  6. ↑ Meanwhile, France’s oldest and most reputable white-flag making company, Le Grande Wuss, were forced to file for bankruptcy.
  7. ↑ They were incompetent aristocrats and lawyers anyway.
  8. ↑ So called because Napoleon wanted his estate to cover an entire country.
  9. ↑ And really, at that point the only thing Russia had going for it was its bigness.
  10. ↑ Also, the only alcohol available was cheap vodka, instead of the more sophisticated champagne that the French troops were used to.
  11. ↑ And several prostitutes — armies were always followed by prostitutes back then.
  12. ↑ There might have been a few Russians there, too.
  13. ↑ What are the odds?
  14. ↑ What are the odds?
  15. ↑ A more detailed account of the battle is recounted in the polemic first edition of the novel Ulysses (also mysteriously called “Waterloo”) specifically a chapter titled ABBA or A Belgian’s Bride Arrives, this was later performed by an anonymous deafmute youth at the Eurovision Benefit for the Curing of the Blind Exposition in 1930.

December 11, 2009

Gay Pride

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 11:08 am
Tags: , , , ,

Gay Pride

This article is FAB-U-LOUS!

Reading this article will give you a good fashion sense! Please nominate this article immediately!

Gay Pride parades are a deliberate attempt to undo all progress towards mainstream acceptance of gays chance for people of Gayness to show their best and brightest..

A lifetime of listening to disco music is a high price to pay for one's sexual preference.

~ Quentin Crisp

Disco's out. Techno defines my sexuality now.

~ Random raver on Quentin Crisp

Your superlative aesthetic sense reminds me that I am happily married with two children.

~ Oscar Wilde on gay pride

I like me a fag every once in awhile.

~ Barack Obama on cigarettes

They have such a gay flag.

~ Random person

The gay pride, or simply pride, campaign of the gay rights movement has three main premises:

  • that all people of all sexual orientations should be proud, not ashamed, of being young white middle-class gay men;
  • that sexual diversity is a gift to young white middle-class gay men;
  • that sexual orientation and gender identity are inherent and cannot be intentionally altered, unless of course you are bisexual and therefore only fooling yourself.

Remember: just because you have a personal creative output of zero doesn’t mean that you can’t take full credit for creative genius for a lifestyle of disco, drugs and sodomy.

//

Pride parades

Pride parades are held worldwide on whatever is likely to be the most hideously hot day of summer. Young white middle-class gay men of all colours, ages, gender identities and backgrounds freely walk down the centre of the main street of their city wearing three leather straps and a peaked leather cap to pick up guys show that they are proud to be who they are. (And pick up guys.)

Many celebrities and hangers-on attend marches, such as Gandalf, Gloria Gaynor, Sandi Toksvig, and that guy from Eastenders. This is not specifically because they are gay, but to gather free publicity the pride, love and respect that can only come from the gay community.

Gay is normal!

The most important message of a pride day is that gays are just normal people. This is clearly demonstrated by the act of prancing down the middle of the main road of a major city dressed only in a silver jockstrap that leaves one’s pasty white arse hanging out. Exposing one’s breasts or penis, or indeed, both, is also a highly effective way of emphasising one’s typical nature and empathy with mainstream culture. Comical papier-maché ones work too.

Busloads of tourists are the best people to direct this demonstration towards. Japanese tourists in particular will come to understand and fully appreciate the “guy-next-door” nature of homosexuality when they see five men in full drag having a public orgy in the middle of Old Queen Street.

The rainbow flag

I must say I have met a few queer bashers in my time. A good time was had by all.

~ Noel Coward on Gay Pride

The homosexual contribution to aesthetics and culture is vast and undeniable. Homosexuals throughout history have been responsible for such massive quantities of artistic output that present-day proud gays need only vaguely allude to their predecessors’ efforts to take full credit for possessing the creative genius nature, whether or not they are in fact airheaded twinks taking amyl and Ecstasy five nights out of seven and with the personal creative output of an insufficient number of monkeys with typewriters. And if you don’t think so, you’re clearly a homophobic queer-bashing Nazi.

A typical God of Pride. To demonstrate the gay subcultural principle of diversity, we have picked an example whose hair isn’t even bleached. Edgy!

The inherent gay aesthetic sensibility reached its public peak with the spread of the rainbow flag, designed such that no matter what it is placed against, at least one colour will clash jarringly. The flag contains all six colours of the rainbow, bisexuals being represented by the seventh colour that does not exist.

Openness to diversity

Oh, we got all kinds. We got disco and techno. What? No, none of that 'offbeat electronica.' Freak.

~ Gay club owner

Diversity is a fundamental and deeply respected principle of the gay subculture, and it is highly accepting of all varieties of young, pretty, white, cute-arsed, gelled-haired, popped-collared, gym-ratted, nice-dicked males who have never had a sexual thought toward a woman ever, not even after six drinks and when they think none of their friends will find out.

Lesbians, and particularly their prodigious drinking, are absolutely welcome at gay clubs, provided they have the common decency to know their place in the pecking order and not try to get in on a Friday or Saturday, when fag hags are the only women permitted entry. Otherwise the venue would have to install a womens’ toilet, which would spoil the architectural clarity of the building. Or something. That’s the only reason. Lesbians are reminded that the dance floor is not a bumper car arena, and may be asked to leave if they pick a fight.

Transsexuals are also entirely welcome provided they bring their paperwork proving they are the gender they claim to be.

Middle-aged gay men who lack fabulous bodies may come to the event; they are warned to stay in the bears’ pit and not drool over, or lust after, the bronzed young Gods of Pride. Those caught doing so are knighted with the dreaded title of troll by the Gods, who can bestow this title freely because they are young, beautiful and certain that they will never become trolls themselves.

The respect for diversity is such that the common abbreviation for queers is “LGBT”, which stands for “Lesbians, GAY GAY GAY MEN W00T BOYS GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY UH-HUH UH-HUH and tr*ns.” (Look, the women are listed first! Bisexuals, of course, don’t exist.)

Fag hags are diverse too!

Each Pride event concurrently hosts Fag Hag-A-Rama, a celebration of big beautiful women with big beautiful love for gay men. Though never formalized as its own celebration per se, it gives the straight, overweight woman friend of every gay man at Pride a chance to get out in the sun, wear a “cute” tube-top and a pair of “fabu” sun glasses. She may even get swept-up in the moment and take to splashing in the fountain where she will have a whale of a good time.

Always supportive, fag hag brigades (and bisexuals, who are allowed to exist at this time) will stay behind after the party moves to the bars and assist with the Pride clean-up, because cleaning up the messes left behind by gay men is the fag hag’s purpose. When finished, they too will go to the Danceteria, where they will sit alone all night at the bar, sipping grasshoppers and waving at men on the dance floor.

Strange but true, apparently:

  • Oscar Wilde was completely homosexual.
  • Kylie Minogue is much more gay than Bob Mould will ever be.
  • If you sense any undercurrent of misogyny in the gay scene, you are a homophobic queer-bashing Nazi, partcularly if you are female.

The lessons gay pride has to teach us all

The ultimate message of gay pride is that gays are normal humans just like everyone else: ignorant, bigoted and stupid.

December 9, 2009

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 4:07 pm

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Incest?

The greatest trickster to ever live.

If in one hand we have an apple, when we boost into the apple frame of reference, which we do through representations of the Lorentz group, it becomes an orange - that is relativity

~ Einstein on adding confusion to the theory of relativity

Imagine that this piece of string were infinite. What? Okay, well imagine that it were really, really long. No, longer than a mile. What? Yes, it would be very long. Okay now? Right, now imagine that this fork is time itself. What? Just because I have a fork handy, that's why. Look...look, just shut up, alright? I'm trying to explain... no, look I'm trying to explain... oh, fuck you all, you can just stay ignorant.

~ Einstein attempting to explain the theory of relativity to a kindergarten class

WHAT DON'T YOU GET ABOUT IT!!??! GIMME A FUCKIN ANSWER!!! YOU GOT ANY FUCKIN IDEAR ABOUT: HEY!!! IT'S FUCKING DISTRACTING!!!! WHAT DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!!??? I'M GONNA KICK YOUR FUCKIN ASS IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND!!! YOU WANT ME TO TEAR UP THIS MACARONI ART PICTURE!!??! YOU WANT ME TO FUCKIN TEAR IT???!! THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NAPPIN RIGHT THROUGH 'AHH DADA DADAHHH' LIKE THIS IN THE BACKGROUND!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH YOU?!?! STAY OUTTA THE FUCKIN DISCUSSION MAN!!! I'M FUCKIN SERIOUS!! YOU'RE A CUTE KID!!! YOU'RE A CUTE KID!!! BUT THAT DON'T FUCKIN CUT IT WHEN YOU'RE FUCKIN BULLSHITTING AROUND ON THE SET ALL THE TIME!!!! Right, let's go again. NO, LET'S NOT GO TO THE POTTY!!! LET'S GO AGAIN!!!!!

~ Christian Bale attempting to explain the theory of relativity to the same kindergarten class.

Einstein did not propose the theory. It was my bar napkin that had the theory written on it along with my phone number..Einstein took the napkin saying he wanted my number, but instead he published the theory. That didn't stop me from sleeping with him though.

~ Stefanie F. on her short but atomic affair with the genius himself

The theory of relativity (by some called Relativism) was proposed by a joint paper by Albert Einstein and Jacques Lacan who said that all relatives in a family were only in their various positions in the family relative to one another in a fixed point in time or space. For instance, a father is a father to a child and he is a brother to his brother. Thus the same person is both a father and a brother, from two different points of view. Well, Einstein wasn’t really that helpful, but he had lots of PhDs and qualifications to make it sound really important, so people credited him with the discovery anyway.

As such, it was one of the most important inventions in history, paving the way for the temporal paradox, the engine which powers the Time machine used by Professor Marty McFly in his famous time travel documentary Forward to the past.

//

Theory of Relativity

Albert Einstein’s 1905 rant “On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies” introduced the wild guess of relativity. Einstein’s marketing agent (also, a closet Jew), suggested there may be some difficulty marketing “wild guess of relativity”, and we’re left today fortunately with the result — “the principle of relativity”. While this principle was not new to Einstein’s work, he found that putting a fork in the microwave may have looked fun, yet in the long run just ended up breaking it. The experiment was new, in it’s focus on placing various other objects in a microwave and seeing what happened. He found that the same power needed to spark a fork in the lab was equal to that required in a kitchen to be the same as that required to blow up a kitten, or melt a hydrated rose, regardless of their rotation or the motion of the body of food, flowers or fauna. Raindrops on roses and radiation on kittens were just a few of his favorite things.

Main Principles

The Theory of Relativity is based on two postulates:

  1. All motion is not absolute, but relative and therefore a matter of opinion, which was disproven when scientists discovered that the universe had a stationary center and therefore an absolute perspective from which all motion was seen.
  2. The speed of light is constant everywhere, except in the Star Wars universe, where it can cross a galaxy in only a few hours; this postulate was simply made up based on absolute nothingness.

From these two postulates, Einstein somehow deduced that increasing an object’s speed will cause it to become heavier and shorter, just as people do when they get old, and cause it to see the rest of the universe speed up, just as people see the world do when they get old. Then he realized that if all motion was relative, then so was speed, and therefore so were masses, sizes, and all that other crap that changes with speed. Thus, it was possible for each of two guys moving past each other at extremely high speed to see the other as being shorter, heavier, and aging less rapidly than himself, and upon stopping, Guy #1 would be older from his own perspective than Guy #2, and Guy #2 would be older from his own perspective than Guy #1.

Resolution

Realizing that his first postulate and his conclusions would normally violate each other and conventional reality, but not realizing that one of his postulates might actually be bullshit, Einstein decided that the only way to resolve this contradiction would be to say that everything was an opinion and therefore true from some perspectives but not all, including the belief that The Theory of Relativity is self-contradictory nonsense based on a fictional premise. But even this “solution” contradicts itself, as some beliefs, like the belief that not everything is an opinion, make themselves true from all perspectives when true from at least one, thereby preventing themselves from being opinions. Modern scientists often amend Einstein’s solution to say that the definition of “opinion” can itself also be an opinion (in some people’s opinions), and that every belief must therefore be an opinion under at least one definition of the word. This lead to The Theory of Relativity’s spinoff, Relativism.

Later, just to annoy scientists further, Einstein declared that gravitational fields were warped areas in the fabric of space-time, contradicting his previous statement that space-time had no fabric to warp. He then declared that both were just his opinions. He may have had multiple personality disorder.

E = mo2

Einstein’s final piece of the puzzle was to formulate an equation he could tack on for idiots everywhere to use when they wanted to sound smart. That is the famous “E = mo2” business. No one actually knows what this means, and it is one of Einstein’s greatest jokes on mankind. With the rise of feminism, women are also free to quote this equation in business meetings without having a clue. Equality is good for science, and progress.

This “equation” was proven to be false in the late 16th century by a peasant named William Dodd. He concluded (with much a much more convincing style of wording) that as Einstein was yet to be born–he himself already being aged 19, was his elder and thus superior of knowledge (see also: Because I says so principle). When interviewed by channel 7 news, Mr. Dodd denied the 14 allegations of sexual assault the hot, large breasted interviewer accused him of, but did comment on Einstein’s rambling being entirely fictional.

The real equation is as follows : Energy = Massive.Opression2

The Einstein's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist.

~ Oscar Wilde on Einstein's Theories

Correlates

One of the strengths of such an enjoyable display is that, if the microwave is not your own, it’s so much more amusing (although Einstein did not derive it this way). For proof, see the back of any tv dinner in which the instructions are translated from another language (e.g. “warning, this product may become hot when heated”).

Simply Put

While it may seem like reading this article has taken approximately an hour, it has really only been about twelve seconds. That, dear readers, is relativity.

The Theory behind The Theory

Einstein’s home designed using relativity so nobody could break in and hurt him

Albert Einstein was an exceptional scientist with a particularly logical mind. One day, after a fight with Stephen Hawking he was forced to take the train home, as Hawking had trashed his hovercar. He was bored, and being a scientist he calculated the speed of the train. It was roughly 200mph. It was at this point he realised that if he was on a train travelling at 200mph an hour towards Bristol, that it was conceivable Bristol might be travelling at 200mph towards him. This would mean he would crash into Bristol at a combined speed of 400mph and a force exceeding 100,000,000 N. It also occurred to him that if Bristol were to hit him at that speed, he would die. Therefore he decided to create a Universal law to prevent this kind of thing happening. He decided that if everything was relative to something else, then only smaller, more sensible, train shaped objects could travel at ridiculous speeds.

The Theory Itself

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity states:

If an object is travelling at a given speed in a given direction, and particularly if the object concerned is travelling at me, or if I am travelling at an object, especially if either the object or myself is travelling at a speed likely to cause injury to me, then only the object, and not the object and the destination, or target, will move, and it will slow down slightly.

~ Albert Einstein

Einstein calculated the maximum safe speed for any given object to be a constant, which he called c. He then calculated the energy an object would have if it was travelling at speed c. This is 0.5mc^2. He then doubled this to take into account the other object travelling towards him, this gave mc^2. This value he called E, or “Einstein’s Energy”. Oddly, he changed the individual letters whilst high so it gave rise to the famous equation:

E = mo2

History of the Theory

At first the theory was unpopular. Many dismissed the idea as “cowardly” or “plain stupid”. It is only recently, with the invention of the Dodge Vyper and other particularly large cars that the theory has become of utmost importance for the protection of small children and other roadkill.

Not only is the Theory the product of a cowardly and unscientific mind, it interferes with the AA route planner

~ Isaac Newton

If a man and an ape are heading towards each other at 200mph, but due to relativity they slow down and do not die then survival of the fittest has not occurred. Hence evolution will not occur. I thus conclude that Albert Einstein is God, and does not exist

~ Charles Darwin

Time Dilation Theory

However, the theory did not end here. Whilst on another train, Albert Einstein realized that if a third party were to watch two objects heading towards each other at speeds he considered unsafe, then relativity would not in fact come into action, as both objects would be heading for the third person, and relativity would be acting on him, and not on Einstein. Panicking, in case he was about to collide into Bristol whilst someone watched, Einstein scribbled down another theory on a napkin.

If two objects are heading towards each other at great velocity, relativity will not be occurring from the prospective of a third party. Hence, particularly if I am on one of the objects, and so things make more sense, time will slow down so I can escape the impending collision

~ Albert Einstein

However, realizing this theory was confusing, particularly to any fourth party involved, he decided to say this would only occur noticeably at speeds close to light speed. Light speed was a term he invented merely to distract the general public from his cowardice and irresponsible creation of physical laws.

Time Dilation also become useful in his later years so he could run out and fetch doughnuts in between catching trains to Bristol.

Special Relativity

Bristol moving at the speed of light

Often the terms Theory of Relativity and Theory of Special Relativity are interchanged. However, despite similarities this is incorrect. Special relativity is a rare occurrence for when regular relativity fails to prevent damage to Einstein. It allows him to move slightly to the left, thus avoiding any number of fast moving objects, which may or may not be Bristol.

Applications of Relativity

To date there is an almost infinite number of uses for Einstein’s theories, but here’s a short list of the most common:

  • The preservation of Albert Einstein
  • The confusion of physics undergraduates so they do not have time to go out, get girlfriends, have children and repopulate the Earth with large numbers of spotty superintelligent beings
  • Preventing particle accelerators from actually working, because if they did, large parts of the planet would instantly vaporise
  • Ensuring anyone using AA route planner will never reach their intended destination
  • Slowing down light so it doesn’t hurt when it hits people
  • Speeding up words so they can travel down phones

As used in hyperspace travel

Einstein’s relativity theory is one of the chief components of most Hyperspace (a.k.a. Hammertime) ship systems, as seen in Star Trek and Star Wars. Their formulation was based on the fact that everything can only be seen relative to everything else, and that everything is really moving at a fantastic speed in every possible direction at every possible time. For instance at this moment you at this moment are spinning around the world, which is spinning round the sun, which is spinning round the galaxy, which is itself spinning round the universe. – thus all you have to do is stop, and you will have travelled an enormous distance – this is the principle at the heart of hyperspace travel.

This is similar to the use of the bumhole.

As relative of itself

The theory of how something can be like something else, but not quite. The theory states that observers can see the same event differently depending on how far they are away from the server. The theory itself is relatively complex. It can only be explain in terms relative to itself. So to adequately understand relativity you have talk like a Bel Air Blonde who just graduated from a Junior College. Like that’s like relative, right?

Relativity In Literature

There was once a small man. He wasn’t terribly small like say, a hobbit, but still pretty small. He was small in a relative sense. The small man lived in a small house. Now don’t get the idea that his house was the same size as him. The house was much larger than the small man. It was only relatively small (when compared to the neighbouring houses). The small man was not poor. In fact, he was quite wealthy. Not as wealthy as say, Bill Gates, but still far from poor. He was rich in a relative sense of the word. Now, the relatively small man living in his relatively small house with his relatively large fortune awoke on one relatively nice day (not perfect, but better than yesterday) to discover that he had a big problem. Not a big problem as in the Holocaust, or Hiroshima, a relatively big problem. He was not alone. Admittedly, that is normally not a problem. A good many of us go through life in the company of others. As human beings we require this contact with other members of our species to remain sane. The issue was that what the relatively small man found within his relatively small home was most certainly not a member of said species. Nope. His visitor consisted of slightly different DNA. His visitor was a troll. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but I am telling the truth. There really was a troll eating pancakes in the relatively nice kitchen within the relatively small man’s relatively small house.

So, anyways, the relatively small man and the relatively small troll stared at each other for a moment before getting into a fight about who the relatively small house and the relatively small fortune belonged to. The man claimed that he had spent many years earning the relatively large fortune and had used it to purchase the relatively small house. The troll claimed that “urrrk urrrk URRRK urk!!!” It was a spectacular fight. That’s not to say that it was anything along the lines of the legendary Super Smash Bros. showdown between “AAA” and Jesus (Jesus won), it was relatively spectacular when placed in comparison with something decidedly unspectacular.

Albert Einstein

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 3:53 pm

Albert Einstein

Einstein, showing the camera what he did to your mom last night.

Common sense is a book written by Thomas Paine. This is why I must travel back in time using the chronosphere to stop Adolf Hitler.

~ Albert Einstein

I find it hard to fathom as to why, or how for that matter, the masses, intensely ignorant as they are, practically worship one Albert Einstein for being of exceptionally intelligent as a result of the theory of relativity despite the fact that, due to their ongoing insistence to be ignoramuses, they do not understand it. If they were to worship all those whom their miniscule minds could not comprehend then I submit to you that they should all worship me, Immanuel Kant, seeing as I cannot formulate a sentence that any of you could have a hope of understanding. It's just not @£$%ing fair damnit!

~ Immanuel Kant on his jealousy of Einstein

Albert Friggin’ Smart’ Einstein or Andy Salazar as he is sometimes called 1879 – 1955) was a German-born smartass, theoretical physicist, and the world’s first true gangsta. He is famous for his theory of relativity, and specifically the parachute-pants equivalence, E = MC Hammer Cubed. Contrary to popular belief, all Einstein’s theories were stolen and plagiarized, having been expressed only a few decades earlier by Max Planck, Henri Poincare or other lesser known gangsters. These Einstein referred to as “hairy-assed Goyim,” and they had to attend Einstein’s lectures as cross-dressers.

//

Birth

Einstein (pronounced WANG-STAIN) as featured in MA1

The crazy mixed up retard of an accident in time travel, the Albert Einstein who shocked the world was truly the son of Rollock the Genius. Hoping to get some action (you know what sort of action I mean ) in Germany, the young retard was thought the secret to time travel by Rollock. Upon travelling from the future to the past in the late 1800s, he met an agnostic prostitute and converted her to Judaism. After enjoying the time old Charleston, they settled down in a bed near Berlin. Some complications in the time machine caused Einstein to be born as a sixty year old man the next day. This was later corrected by Rollock through the use of french mustard. Rollock trained the young Einstein in his ways, including the secret style of penguino ninjitsu, and gave him the credit for the theory of Tiger Ballz. Later a giant chicken ball came and crushed Einstein, sending him into an alternate reality, and replacing him with the 615th reincarnation of the Evil Lord Xenu. He came back to the present and wrote this article.

Death

‘einstein passing though every point in the universe’.

As we all know Einstein’s life came to a tragic end when he imploded in a spectacularly unsuccessful attempt to win a bet that he could generate a mini black hole by cycling around the world faster than the speed of light. Then tragedy struck as Einstein drew level with the velocity of light he became infinitely dense instantaneously passing through every point in the universe. This had the unfortunate side effect of giving him infinite gravitational force which in turn caused the infinitely large Einstein and the entire universe of space and time to fold in on itself until it disappeared into an infinitely small point that is commonly referred to by some of the world’s most respected theoretical astrophysicists as a “lil’ biddy dot”. However Einstein is alive and well as he like Doctor Who, Tony The Tiger, and Gordon Day reformed. He is currently living in Holland under the psuedoname Sylvester Rollock.

An alternate, now disregarded theory suggests that Einstein died as a result of his brain spontaneously dividing π by 0. E= mc2 is the result of his death.

Conspiracy Theories

There is increasing speculation that the story surrounding Einstein’s death is more intricate than previously thought. Many moustachologists believe that he actually travelled through time to 1996, changed his name to Des Lynam and forged a successful career as a British television presenter. Credence to this hypothesis has grown since the sudden disappearance of Des Lynam in 2006. While cynics propose that Lynam is not in fact Einstein and merely faded into obscurity after being fired from his job on Countdown for being too boring, realists believe he travelled back to his original time.

The truth about Einstein’s PENIS

Several time travelling Einsteins meeting with God to play dice

According to secret historical documents in the Pentagon, Einstein’s well-known picture was taken while he was licking a Russian prostitute. Actually she wasn’t a prostitute: She was an NKVD agent. It was the winter of 1926 in Germany. Because of the economical crisis in Germany after World War One, there was no coal to warm up. Sly Soviet agents were aware of this situation; they also were knowing of Einstein’s excess libido. So, all they need were a beautiful woman and a camera. And someone to use the camera, of course. After Einstein began licking, the cameraman were coming close slowly. But the cameraman involuntary hit the furniture tripod. Einstein discovered him. The cameraman were still trying to do his job. While Einstein was looking on the cameraman with confused eyes, he attempted to say “whadda fuck is goin’ on?”. But he couldn’t. Because of the cold weather, his tongue stuck down his chin. So shame… “The great physicist” hadn’t got a foresight about what’s the combine of cold weather and wet objects. Meanwhile, cameraman took the picture and went back to Moscow. Stalin purposed to use that picture to blackmail Einstein and get him with the precious scientific secrets which would accomplish the Soviet Nuclear Program. But the plans didn’t work anymore. Because there was more “hardcore” photos of Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky, those taken in an orgy made in Kremlin. (Rumours say the orgy pictures transmitted to the USA by Trotsky as a result of his strive against Stalin.) Roosevelt threatened to publicise those pictures if they don’t return the picture of Einstein. And Stalin stepped backward.

It has been theorized by Eistein himself that this is perhaps the stupidest section in this article.

Effects of Relativity

When Einstein invented space and time and espresso he realised that if you go really fast, like Olympic athletes do, you get really small. This phenomenon was recently witnessed in the success of Chinese athletes in the 2008 Olympic games.

Einstein’s Famous Formula

How Einstein got to the “So called famous formula – E=mc^2”

When we think of Einstein we think of his formula E=MC² and we often wonder what it stands for or what it means from the point of a editor from the Observer newspaper. Unfortunately Einstein got in a feud with the Nobel Peace Prize committee and refused to tell anyone until they apologize with a pair of smoking shoes of his size.

Although we may never truly understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it is assumed to be related to the concept of relative association in that where this is a way there is a will, and that where there is will there is likely to be a relative.

Another interpretation which appears more likely than anything to do with Energy, Mass or the Speed of Light is Albert Einstein’s Theory of Cheesology.

Taking his famous equation of:

math

One can assume the letters represent:

  • Eat – The E stands for Eat.
  • More – The M stands for More.
  • Cheese – The C stands for Cheese.

Turning the equation into an English sentence should result in:

“Eat More Cheese than you normally would.”

The fact that Cheese is squared in the above equation results in eating to excess in order to square the amount of Cheese you would normally eat. For example, if you ate 50g of Cheese per day, then to abide by Einstein’s Law then you must eat math in order to be consuming the necessary amount of cheese.

This 50g squared amount is equal to 2.5kg (2500g) which is the FCO’s (Food Consumption Organization) recommendations on daily cheese consumption.

It is still unknown what kind of cheese he might be referring to.That was one deduction why he was awarded the Nobel Prize. More cheese would imply better health for people. But the Norwegian screwed-up committee got confused with the various theories and awarded him the Nobel Prize for Physic instead of Nutrition and Health.

However, a shocking and profound theory has recently emerged in the scientific community. The founder of Purdue has recently suggested Einstein meant to say “Eat More Cheese SQUARES“. If true, then the very foundations of science would be shaken by the sheer power of the newly promoted Cheese Squares.

Einstein’s feud with Pythagoras

Although Einstein is mainly known for his advances in the scientific field, he was also quite the romantic poet.

Since they were both born Albert and Pythag have always been at war. Even during maths classes with Mrs C Roberts in MA1 they fought, trying to come up with the most intelligent formulas and theories. In the end Albert won by bribing Mrs Roberts with a sack of parsnips and he got top degrees. After school they went their separate ways with Albert going to Germany, then America, and Pythag going to Samos and then Memphis Uni. Eventually they both made their career defining theories, Einstein’s E=MC² and Pythag’s a²+b²=c². At the maths awards at the end of the year, Pythag won the maths award for Best Theorem, but Albert couldn’t bear to see him win so he cut him down with his secret weapon, before claiming he won and hypnotising everyone with his maths. This was the end of their feud, and Albert then became known as the world’s greatest mathematician, and Pythag was quietly forgotten by all but Mrs C Roberts and kids who have to learn his theorem.

Einstein’s rapping career

rare copy of E=MCPIMPED found in basement of old packrat

Beware the knockoffs.

Einstein was once completely set for rapping, he went by the name A-stein E-stein. He teamed up with the likes of Kid Rock, Eminem, JAYZEE, Weird Al and Reuben Glaser. He has had a few albums out, one was labeled “PI Sucks ASS”. Due to the large words and frequent references to science, Einstein’s first ablum didn’t sell well at all. His partner was a small black man named “COX” who later committed suicide after Einstein’s second attempt at an album called “E=equals MCpimped2.” His hit song from this one was “Big Brains Bring Bucks”. But once again his attempts ended up bad, this album only sold 742 copies. Einstein was now without COX, or rapping skills, so he tried once more at an album, this one was “Gimme All Da Plutonium!” This album had only 8 songs on it, and only 65 copies were made. The price for this album on websites such as Ebay is through the roof. After this attempt at a record, Einstein hung up his bling, and went back to science 100%. This is one man who will go down in the hall of fame of rap, which will hopefully have a dedication to COX.

Psycho-Analysis

Unbeknownst to casual Einstein-enthusiasts, Einstein had a brief tenure in the world of psycho-analysis. Despite the lack of recognition for his work in this field, his most notable work in this field summated with his phrase, “A good definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results”. Since this somehow unshocking conjecture was made in the late 1930s, it has fallen in reputation and now carries very little weight in the psycho-analysis community. A more appropriate definition of insanity is generally regarded to be possessing female reproductive organs and/or a compulsive shopping habit. Insanity is also often characterized by an affinity for 1980s dance pop. What a sad era that was.

Other Notable Facts

  • Discovered relativity while looking for a shortcut to the East Indies.
  • He showed that no object can travel faster than a lady with to c cup sized breasts.
  • Isaac Newton once said of him, “He is not my relative “
  • Mathematically proved the “I before E, except after C” spelling rule (which is wrong, look at weight, height and supercalafragalisticexpealidocious for example.
  • Although not a chemist, he created the tasty compound Sandwich Oxide SnWCHO2.
  • Discovered the formula “E=MC Hammer”.
  • Inventor of two theories of relativity, which he concocted to explain why some of his children looked more like the postman.
  • Despite great efforts, he could never solve the complexity of German grammar.
  • Once ate his weight in pickled eggs.
  • Although he said that God doesn’t play dice, he firmly believed that God was a great poker player.
  • Designer of the solar powerd flashlight.
  • Once forgot where he lives (no really).

Bin Laden

Filed under: People,Twitter — amerkaj @ 3:40 pm

Tweets:Bin Laden

UnTweets:Bin Laden
left

Name: Osama bin Laden
Location: Afghanistan
Bio: Founder and Supreme Commander of Al-Qaeda.

Following 1
Followers 168,750,000


Bin Laden

I have just awakened after a bad night’s sleep. Sleeping on rocks is most painful, indeed.

05:35am October 29th from web

Now, to the Dawn prayer.. Remember, kids, true warriors of Al-Qaeda never miss the Dawn prayer.

05:38am October 29th from web

I am Osama (53/m/Afghanistan)

Training camp time. It is most fun. Training camps are funny, indeed.

06:02am October 29th from web

We drove over a goat with the Jeep on our way to the camp. May your soul find its way to Paradise, my lesser friend.

06:08am October 29th from web

I see many new faces here, our brethren from all over the globe have come to fight for our most just and noble cause! victory is nigh! \m/

06:12am October 29th from web

Goddamned recruits cannot shoot worth a fig.. the cause is screwed 😦

07:01am October 29th from web

One of the new bastards says that he can’t hit the target because “his gun is old and rusty.” His excuse is unacceptable. Therefore…

08:38am October 29th from web

He has been punished accordingly.

08:49am October 29th from web

I, Osama Bin Laden, am going to teach those inexperienced mountain boys a lesson in accuracy. They can now walk with pride amongst their tribes for they have been taught how to shoot by the most humble Emir himself.

09:11am October 29th from web

The gun jammed and I missed the target. The bastards are laughing and mocking me. They will pay.. with their lives. This I swear :@

09:32am October 29th from web

I hate my life

I’m most embarrassed.. I can suffer this no longer, I am leaving the camp 😦

10:02am October 29th from web

PS. I hate my life.

10:20am October 29th from text

My life is surely harsh. Everyone wants to kill me, I’m hiding in a cave and I can’t go to a disco or a bar without being identified.

10:40am October 29th from text

I see lots of retweets of compassion and sympathy. Thank you, my brethren. Each one of you shall get one more virgin in paradise.

10:46am October 29th from text

Cave, sweet cave.

11:07am October 29th from web

My cunning plan of revenge is ready.. It will kill two goats with one bullet!

11:47am October 29th from web

Time for prayer. I can’t wait to see my most cunning plan in action.

11:58am October 29th from web

Blessed news have just arrived. The Infidels razed the camp to the ground and nobody survived.

12:30pm October 29th from web

My dog. He is now in paradise with his bitches (no pun)

Oh my God! My dog did not survive the ordeal. This is most saddening 😦

12:37pm October 29th from web

Rest in peace my friend, for your death will be avenged.

12:39pm October 29th from web

Part 2 of my most cunning plan. We stage a ter- … Jihadi attack against an Infidel country after we send them a threatening-toned audio-video recording full of vague bullfeces about an impeding Wrath of God.

12:56pm October 29th from web

And as usual, let’s give those two a good old taliban-style voting, my brethren: 1. location of the attack 2. title of the tape. If you to get #voteforterrorstrike into trending, you shall get one more virgin in Paradise.

12:59pm October 29th from web

@BarackObama Where are you?

01:06pm October 29th from web

We received millions of votes, for which we are most glad. Here are the results: The “elected” location of attack is: Washington D.C. but it’s where Sheikh Hussein resides, and he’s one of us. So we shall attack Chicago instead.

02:01pm October 29th from web

…and the “elected” title of the tape is: “Death to Amurikan Infidels.” but it is, indeed, most overused and cliché, so we shall call it “All you motherfuckers are gonna pay” instead. It is most hip.

02:17pm October 29th from web

Observe my beard, for it’s most cute

The Tape has been sent successfully.

02:50pm October 29th from web

I’m on the Infidels’ television! Observe my beard for it is most cute!

02:51pm October 29th from web

I’m on the Interweb, too. I am surely very famous.

02:54pm October 29th from web

Lets pray that my tape makes it to Billboard 200’s top 40 this time. Amen.

02:57pm October 29th from web

Time for prayer. Surely, I’m most pious.

03:07pm October 29th from web

I shall sleep for a while.

03:30pm October 29th from web

I have dreamt of my martyr dog in Paradise.

05:10pm October 29th from web

Entertaining myself to the thought that my dog is enjoying his eternal life in Paradise.

05:15pm October 29th from web

We have caught an unchaste woman walking in the street alone after sunset with her face shamefully exposed. We shall stone her tomorrow by noon.

05:31pm October 29th from web

Time for prayer.

05:35pm October 29th from web

I’m going to pay my neighbour, Sheik Dubya Bush a visit. He invited me for dinner.

06:01pm October 29th from web

He served me pork!

06:49pm October 29th from web

I beheaded him. The filthy infidel.

06:59pm October 29th from web

Time for prayer.. Thankfully, it is the last one for today.

07:15pm October 29th from web

Time to play with my pet goat.

07:37pm October 29th from web

Viagra is, most certainly, magic.

07:48pm October 29th from web

Rumours about a captured Infidel soldier are circulating. If true, we shall behead him like the unholy goat he is. Then we shall exchange his head for 100 of our brethren in Amurikan detention facilities

08:00pm October 29th from web

We have just received a sample of the cocaine rolling out of our all-new production lines in Halmand.

08:13pm October 29th from web

Made with pride in Afghanistan. God bless Afghanistan.

08:15pm October 29th from web

It is time to plan for the attacks on illinois

08:20pm October 29th from web

Planning for jihad while high on cocaine is most cool, for the infidels will not see it coming.

08:23pm October 29th from web

Planning..

08:59pm October 29th from web

The plan is almost ready.

09:28pm October 29th from web

Here it is: We’ll get 10,000 brethren to take the shortcut to Paradise through Illinois. This time, they will get a HUNDRED virgins in Paradise! (while stock lasts)

09:30pm October 29th from web

I’m most surprised! In a mere thirty minutes, a hundred thousand true warriors have ascended to Paradise and a million infidels descended to Hell! This is most gladdening!

09:59pm October 29th from web

Do they have helicopters in Paradise?

The combination of cocaine and good news is most pleasing.. I must be in Paradise..

10:09pm October 29th from web

Do they have helicopters in Paradise? For I am most sure that I am hearing helicopters

10:14pm October 29th from web

Sacred faeces! The Infidels have found me. I wonder, how? Whatever. Now is most assuredly the time to redisappear

10:16pm October 29th from web

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