Writer's Caffe

December 13, 2009

IQ:Sample test

Filed under: PC — amerkaj @ 11:19 am
Tags: , , ,

IQ:Sample test

Warning: This will probably make no sense to you.
This article may be hilarious if you are familiar with whatever it pretends to explain, but otherwise you will probably have no idea what the hell is going on. If you can think of a way to make it more accessible, please do.
IQ Test
Name: <insert name here>

This IQ test is Free. You have 1 hour, starting from yesterday.

Mathematical Section

This section assumes the use of Microsoft Windows 2010. Please make sure it is spotless. If you are caught using hacked or non-regulation windows, you will be destroyed. Furthermore, if you do not use windows at all, you must then remove your left lung (right lung for left-handed people) with yogurt and seaweed and use that as a replacement Microsoft Windows. You have been warned.

– 0. Define infinity as a whole number without using any numbers or symbols(n, x, ∞).
1. Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a ruler. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s and how they will help us in the future of technology.

2. Find the value of h to the nearest square unit in the diagram to the right. (Diagram not to scale.)

3. If one of the measurements in the triangle has an error bound three-eighths of the difference between the other three sides of the triangle (accurate to one-half of a decimal place), locate the incorrect side and calculate a new value for h.

4a. Using only an abacus, calculate the percentage error of the 90 degree angle at the corner of this piece of paper.

4b. Prove or otherwise show that 2 plus 2 equals fries for all non-zero values of 2, but a bushel of potatoes for zero values of 2. Do it now.

5. Deduce the letter Y and subtract 100 then divide the number infinity by this number. (show your work)

6. Explain how you can use melted ice cream and century old Gatorade to create cold fusion.

7. Explain in no less than 48 A4 sides on the subject of why the answer to math isn’t 1. Showing the true value for it and how you derived your answer. You must show all of your work.

8. Prove Fermat’s Last Theorem. Use only the margin for writing your proof.

If this is what you think an apple is, you are most certainly wrong.

9. Little Johnny sharpens his finger in a pencil sharpener. If his arms are 1 meter long, and the speed of sound going through a diamond is smaller than the speed of light, how many more fingers will Little Johnny be able to sharpen before he feels the pain? Express the answer in microfortnights.

10a. If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in an hour and a half, how many waffles does it take to shingle a dog house? Estimate the answer and round to the nearest thousandth. Show all work on the margin of this paper.

10b. From the answer you got in 10a, figure out how many chickens it would take to combine with the dog house to make a flying machine.

10c. How long would it take for these chickens to lay eggs? Include illustrations.

10d. Using the transitive property, calculate the probability of a waffle-shingle imploding into a quasar.

11. Calculate the square root of yellow and multiply it by any secondary color. You may use a prism. Show all work using crayon in the correct color of the answer (accurate within 40 nanometres of wavelength).

12. Count backwards in your head from infinity, and show your thoughts on paper without writing any numbers, letters, symbols, or random scribbles.

13. Calculate the amount of peer pressure applied to get someone to drink in high school. You may use either Torr or PSI in your answer. But not e. That’s obscene.

14. If Bob is eating a ham sandwich at a rate of 24 bites per second and the sandwich has lettuce, pickles, and mustard, when will Joe finish his sandwich? (use the theory of unrelativity and the quadratic formula to find your answer.) State Bob’s time of death.

15. Calculate all possible answers for the question: “How long won’t it take you to complete this test?” Using only an eraser and a protractor. Show all work, but only as far as manual labor.

16. Describe the smell of the letter 3 in 100 words or less, without the use of psychedelic drugs.

17. What does the letter F taste like? Is this not dissimilar but unlike the smell of three, or haven’t you not ever tasted what not F doesn’t taste like? Write your answer without using the letters A, E, I, O, U or sometimes Y. For every time you use one of these letters, you will die.

18. What is the value of the hypotenuse when AE2+BE2=CE2?

19. What is the value of the hypotenuse when nothing really matters anymore?

20. If Johnny shoves a golf ball up his nose and it isn’t Thursday, how much would his appointment be if Ryan Sheckler wasn’t born?

20,3. Joshua is 85 years old. When he is walking down the stairs, there is a probability of 76% that he will fall. If he falls, there is a probability of 98% that he will break his spine. If he breaks his spine, there is a probability of 82% that he will be paralyzed. There is also a probability of 95% that this will happen one week before his birthday. He may also die (54%). Calculate the probability of this: Joshua falls down the stairs, does not break his spine, still becomes paralyzed, all 46 days before his birthday. Joshua does not die then, but dies later, on his birthday.

21a. If you were given 1 chicken, explain how you would make a hydrogen bomb out of the chicken.

21b. If you were given 1 hydrogen bomb, explain how you would make a chicken out of the hydrogen bomb.

22. How many kittens could a woodchuck huff if a woodchuck could huff kittens?

23. If it is Thursday and the person sitting beside you is smoking a clarinet, then how many sevens can fit into an upside down 4? Use basic Trigonometry and the Pythagorean theorem.

24. Using only prime numbers, describe the relation between yesterday and tomorrow. Once you have found that answer, cook a hamburger with a blow dryer and sell it on the black market.

25. Using only the spine of the dead hamster (see 1.5) measure the width of this piece of paper, then write your answer in the form of a function.

26. Choose at least two problems from this list: P vs. NP. Solve using only the slide rule provided. Once you have solved the problem, explain, in detail and at great personal risk, the effect that this equation might have had on the Renaissance period of Sierra Leone. All work must be typed. You may not use a computer, typewriter, or any other print-setting device.

28. If a=b, b=c, and c is a prime number, why does j have a dot at the top? Express your answer in scientific notation. You may only use ink obtained by cutting a calculator in half lengthwise. Points will be deducted for cutting the calculator into any fraction other than 1/2 or by cutting any way other than lengthwise. Explain your answer without using any recognizable characters.

29. If a starving African lion is released into a room where someone is taking an IQ test, and it leaps at an angle of 37 degrees towards the test-taker, how far can it travel? You will test your answer in a live simulation in approximately 47 seconds.

30. Write out, on the back of your paper, all possible answers for the equation x=x. All answers must be given for credit.

31. Use the Pythagorean theorem, the law of relativity, and Fermat’s Last Theorem to prove that aardvarks are, indeed, equal to anteaters.

32. Write the correct value of infinity divided by 3 to 7 decimal places.

33. Using the Alternative Theory of Mathematics, solve for x, in which x is equal to the number of fingers on your foot. Unacceptable answers are: anything involving a decimal, fraction, or percentage, infinity, any number less than or equal to 0, or anything other than a number greater than 9000. Note: If you are a Neanderthal or a primate, skip this question- it will not count against you.

34. There are five babies. Differentiate this function in terms of pink.

35. If x=5, discuss the feasibility of a socialist government run by E.T. in terms of x. Show your work.

36. Only using similar triangles, prove that the sky is blue.

37. If e is equal to Pi, and Pi is equal to blueberry, how much does (aj^2 + bj + c + j) equal in terms of Pi? Integrate any function using blueberry.

38. Explain the use of an internal combustion engine. Use a rabbit to define x, and the chair you’re sitting on to calculate the probability of rain in the next 4-5 months.

39. If a man jumps at a 500 degrees angle straight at the ground at 50 miles per millisecond, how long will a flight to London take?

40. Using the same method in question 35, discuss the feasibility of sandwiches, in terms of x.

41. If Rabbit Is To Goat And Goat Is To Rabbit What Is Alf To? Extra credit: write a 600 page essay on how this is possible without using a word that means possible or impossible.

42. Why does 1+1 equal 2, 0, 10, 11, any number, and “window” simultaneously?

43. How does 1+1 equal 2, 0, 10, 11, any number, and “window” simultaneously?

44. Does 1+1 really equal 2, 0, 10, 11, any number, and “window” simultaneously? If not, how and why?

45. Calculate the proximity of Alpha Centauri to Earth in 5.2 million years. Use half an Oreo as your only measurement tool. (Extra marks will be given if the Oreo is replaced with a lemur.) Show working.

46. Taking X to equal the amount of tennis rackets in a sports shop and Y to equal the amount of money in a particular bank, calculate the probability of a toasted waffle having a significant impact on the Ukrainian presidential election of 2034.

47. Disprove all Euclidean geometry with nothing but Euclidean geometry and a 38-dimensional tesseract. Show your work by carving it into the back of a live crocodile. You may not sedate the crocodile. Failure to do so will result in a total collapse of the universe.

Reasoning Section

The information contained in this article is dangerous.
Do not try this at home, kids; go over to a friend’s house.

This is a no-brainer section. This does not mean that the questions are easy, it means you must remove your brain and put it under your desk for this section of the test. You will receive an F if you are caught using your brain, or if you are caught looking at someone else’s. If you are already brain deficient, you may proceed without caution. Note: For people who require a brain to function correctly, you may choose not to remove it, but you will receive only half-marks for successfully answered questions.
1. What would happen if the sun burned out? Practical experimentation is permitted.

2. If Achmed is a dead terrorist and has 3 oranges and 2 apples, how would he go about constructing a nail bomb?

3. Perform a miracle. You will be awarded extra marks for creativity.

4. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with the flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

5. If This is That, and These are Those, and today is not Sunday, how long will it take for Tim to finish this test?

6. If Jimi Hendrix has six apples and Johnny has four apples, where’s the polar bear to eat the apples?

7. Using the piano, construct a time machine to hand in this test before you were given it.

Jack Daniel’s was far too expensive, so you have a cheap copy.

8. Using your innovation, write your answers to the rest of the test in your own blood. If you cannot do this question, blood can be provided for you at the cost of three points.

9. Justify the need for ham sandwiches.

9a. Using the answer to the previous question, explain a mouse.

10. Without testing, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? How many to get to the center of a Dum-Dum? We’ve provided the Tootsie pop and we would provide a Dum-Dum, but nobody likes Dum-Dum’s.

11. Consider the liar paradox: “This sentence is false.” Presume this statement is true. Discuss.

11a. Extra points will be awarded if you could prove that sentence really to be false.

12. If a bear is traveling North North-East towards Narnia at a velocity approaching the speed of light for one hour, then turns left at the 864th junction and continues straight ahead for another decade, what colour is his hat? (Bonus: What species of bear is it?)

13. If a biplane is traveling south from Chicago at eleventy-six mph, and suddenly begins changing direction at random intervals, how probable is it that the pilot will get a raise within the next month?

14. If it takes a man and a half a day and a half to dig a hole and a half with a shovel and a half, then how long would it take a grasshopper with a peg leg to kick all the seeds out of a cucumber?

15. Express your weener as a fraction. Divide this by the smell of the number 3. How many apples does little Johnny now have? If you do not have a weener, use someone else’s.

16. If you had 3 Pepsi’s and drank 2 of them, how much more refreshed are you?

17. If, after drinking the Pepsi’s from the previous question, you are still not satisfied, how many Snickers should you eat?

18. Describe the universe; give four examples.

19. Memorize the entire English dictionary and recite it in your choice of any West African language. Minimum of fifty clicks per definition.

20. If a glass isn’t half empty or half full when it’s spilled on the floor, how long does it take little Johnny to fix?

22. What? Who done it? Explain:

23. Using your inability to do the impossible, find the answer to the following question without doing so; Is this question correctable?

24. If Ooon-cha weighs 38 grams, and a Tyrannosaurus Rex weighs 20 tons, how many swings against a wall does it take to kill a bag full of kittens? (Hint: Disregard any chance of Slovenian army intervention)

25. Understand and explain your girlfriend. (If you do not have a girlfriend the instructor will provide you with one) (Results may vary).

26. Brad Pitt is more religious than Paris Hilton. Katie Price is less conservative than Brad Pitt and Angela Lansbury is just as clever as Roger Federer. How will this affect Richard Dawkins’ sales.

The Section is over. You may re-insert your brain now. If you find yourself unable to do so, moan incessantly until the instructor becomes annoyed and does it for you. If you were brain deficient before this section, you may negate this and move on to the next section. If you are now brain deficient, but were not before this section, bang your head on the desk and your instructor will provide you with a new brain. (Quality assured by the U.S. Government)

Scientific Section

1. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of the color pink on science. You may draw a diagram to illustrate your answer.

2. You have been provided with a scalpel and some whiskey. Remove your liver and dissect it. After this, drink the whiskey and eat the liver.

3a. Deduce the location of the edge of the universe using the compass and protractor you found in your liver. (See question 2)

3b. Consider the fact that the universe is infinitely expanding. Now, with that in consideration, deduce the location of the edge of the universe in 4 years, 2 months, 9 days, 4 hours, 30 minutes, 2 seconds, and 7 deciseconds.

3 1/2. By using your DNA, find the cure for cancer and submit it to the AMA in the form of a heavy metal song.

4. Determine the gravitational force between you and this test using the scalpel provided earlier. You must show your work. (no materials provided)

4a. Explain to a salmon the Theory of Unrelativity, then train it to finish this test, using only sign language and a tissue.

5. Explain the argument behind the fushestal elementum theory. Use modern pentium particle physics to help disprove this theory.

6. Use the empty whiskey bottle found on your desk and a pencil to observe an experiment where you inject Mercury into your veins. Note down your observations every 30 seconds.

7. Deduce and or hence otherwise find the colour of a neutron.

8. The statement “Light is an absence of darkness” is incorrect. Explain why.

9. Would you rather be a proton or an electron? Why or why not?

10. Prove the non-existence of God. Then, using only words from your argument against the existence of God, prove the existence of God. You may create a God if necessary.

11. Seduce at least 4 emo children using only a computer, myspace and a webcam.

12. Remove the lead from your pencil. Turn this lead into gold. You may use both sides of the paper if necessary.

13. Using the principle of conservation of matter, what will the karat value of the gold produced from the above project amount to? What would the value be if you were to instead use 3 mangoes and a large potato?

14. Describe the entire anatomy of a muppet in terms of ratios of fuzziness to just plain annoying sometimes.

15. Describe what DTN means to you.

1092/71sts. Calculate the circumference of space (correct to 3 significant figures) using only your left thumb and some tooth floss. Using your answer, extrapolate the number of leprachauns present in the forests of Machu Pichu.

16. Determine which of the following sub-atomic particles is most partial to binge-drinking: Up quark, electron, photon

17. Use the Scalpel, the whiskey bottle and the liver remains (see question 2) to find the effect of hamburgers on birds. Note: Bats can’t be used, nor any other reptile.

18. Determine the difference between a seagull.

19. Explain the difference between plutonium’s atomic weight and oxygens atomic weight in a 39 page essay. Use only waffles and a sweatshirt for materials. No materials provided.

The rare venom-spitting red-eyed Bullfrog!

20. Describe in detail what this frog is thinking without using any vowels.

21. What is the gravitational pull of Christina Ricci’s forehead?

22. Why do ducks?

23. Two subatomic particles walk into a bar. Why?

24. Re-Create the death-star using a dildo and a red pencil sharpener. Bonus points will be awarded for the inclusion of a carrot-powered laser.

25. [This question is currently unavailable, due to lack of sandwiches]

25a. *Bonus* Use the carrot-powered laser that you have to destroy 3 random spacial features (black hole, nebula, star, planet, asteroid, etc.)

26. Using only a grape and a leaf, make a three-sided rock. For bonus marks, make a two-sided rock.

27.How long can you breathe underwater tell us when you fail and die?

Extra Credit: End world hunger.

Logic

All external logic are prohibited for this section. Use only logic provided by the test. If you are caught using logical thoughts from outside the testing room, you will be subject to lobotomy. Cardiovascular corruptions possible due to extreme stress.

1) Using the time machine created using the piano, create a bagel-Powered sidearm function.

2) Use the bagel-powered sidearm function to invade Kuwait.

  • Bonus: using the bagel sidearm function and your liver remains, prove newton’s 5th law using counter-evidence.

3) What is the answer to this question?

4) Do not answer this question.

5) Did you realize that the previous question was not, in fact, a question, but a command?

6) So, should you have answered #3?

7) Imagine a color you have never seen before. Name this color.

7b) Describe this color to a blind person. If you do not have a blind person one will be provided for you.

8) If P, then Q. If Q, then P. Therefore, R? Explain in exactly nineteen words without using letters.

True and/or False

Please only answer with “True” and/or “False”. Failure to do so will disqualify your test and/or test your disqualification. -1. true or false?

1. Describe the nature of the universe.

2. Sanity.

3. 7+19 = ?

4. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he was riding a train going 45.3 MPH leaving London heading towards Los Angeles with a wind resistance of 20MPH?

5. Write a sixty-line sonnet using only the words “My”, “her”, “was”, “should,” “bacon,” and “Jerry Springer.”

6. Why?

7. The answer to this question is “False”.

8. The Doe family was an ancient Amphibian race.

9.When Johnny’s head falls off, how many muffins will Bill not have?

10. The moral dilemma between doing what is right and what is easy.

11. The man reads the dictionary fifteen times, each time reading a different book. Explain your answer without using letters, words, numbers or symbols. [BONUS: What was the man’s name?”]

12. When did you have your computer last updated? You must not include a date nor a specific event that happened at that exact point in time.

13. If 3.14 is pie then why cant we eat it? Explain this with cutting a orange in half, a rhyming word starting with the letter KAT, and then feed a dead homeless man this pie.

Bonus: write a 800 page essay on how I got this Question mark up side down (¿).

14. In 5 words explain the meaning of life, For extra marks use two words.

15. Using your answer from 14, explain Newton’s 5th Law in full detail without using the words ‘Newton’, ‘the’, ‘when’, ‘how’, or ‘why’. For bonus marks don’t use any of the following letters: A, E, I, O, or U.

Linguistic Section

This section is a section involving language. You must answer every question in English or Cambodian. Failure to do so will result in a F-.

Diagram for representational purposes only.

1. Describe in detail. Be objective, broad, and specific.

2. Which of the below is the odd one out:

  • Camembert
  • Trout
  • Cheddar
  • Brie
  • You

3. Spell antidisestablishmentarianism, without looking at how it has been spelled on this paper.

4. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis is a technical term for a lung disease. Explain the origin of its naming, with references to Greek architecture.

5. Find the exact point at which you would die of boredom from taking this test. Use evidence from The Catcher In The Rye to help explain your answer.

6. Kill yourself and hand in the test promptly 2 hours after answering this question.

7. Try to find a correct synonym for “antonym”.

8. Try to find a correct anagram for “anagram”, preferably one that is also a synonym for antonym.

9. Create an invasion force using a pen, an apple and a car, then implement this in a strike on East Germany.

10. Describe the word “indescribable”, without using the word describe or any negatives.

11. Why?

12. John has never not refrained from not avoiding not doing his homework. Is it not untrue that he has not forgotten to do his homework unless today is not Monday?

13. How would this test affect John if he refrained from not uncompleting this test if yesterday is not tomorrow?

14. Write out all of the words in the English language. You may ask for additional paper if needed.

15. In five minutes, ten thousand drunken crazed aborigines will storm the exam room. Calm them down. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.

16. Quote the Bible 7 times, each one give reference to how it inspired a Tori Amos lyric.

17. What is a scransom?

18. How many times may one flange a scransom before it becomes exflangulated?

19. Using the word “using”, how long does it take to establish a democratic government in Saudi Arabia?

20. There is no 20!

21. Do not answer this question. How can I answer that question if it is not a question? That was a question. Answer that question.

Writing Prompt

1) a) Dog. Why? Explain in a 42 page essay including introduction, body, and conclusion. BE SPECIFIC

2) Summarize the great works of Proust in terms of only: your mom, a PVC catsuit, a feather and Chewbacca

3) “Because.” Discuss.

4) Prove, in 100 words or less, the Riemann Hypothesis.

5) Summarize Proust’s Remembrance of Times Past using only words related to pigs and/or wild boar. Your summary may not exceed 15 words.

6) Does all your base are belong to us? Write a one word essay using at least 100 direct quotations from ancient scriptures for great justice. Do not forget to set us up the bomb. Make your time.

7) Describe the color yellow in a 15-page essay and its impact on coin-operated body waxing machines.

8) Write a 60-page essay explaining why Madonna is a Cylon.

9) Make a recording of a 2 word essay on how Pythagoras defeated tom cruise why calculating his theorem while

breaking the world record for the longest time sitting on goose while finding the square root of the speed of light.

Extra credit :If a woolly mammoth was thawed out and then lost on Jeopardy, then what is the bone density of a normal rock?

10) Write a 15 page essay about the letter “9” 10b) If Nicki Dan McMonaghan is streaking at a football game at the speed of 19 muscle spasms per fathom how is it that Donald Trump’s skin tastes better than Arby’s curly fries.(Answer this question without using the words “Albert”, “Narwhale”,and “Donny Osmand”. (Bonus: Find the answer to cat squared divided by parrot).

Language Skills

1) Outlet of the window holding the spider in the air and I DORIGIFUTOKARUCHIZU When thinking about the life of a bowl of soup donut … Hoolio believe? yoyoyo mosquitoes, wear a disguise when all along the Theater heheheheh funny! Kids quiet! Or a monkey to life. For dipping sauce, Pruning the roses. If this hole is not gunna Judas can not open the mole rat Distance, the plane out, I imagine my sister’s going with love goo gooo The second time, she is a good idea is not gunna have not been … This is your time to It is my thumb is that you need to really understand, you have all the adventures Loser is the world’s mega-Doo DADIZUNI monkeys to attack the pony CMNMJG puppy. By OMG. Last night, I went to the store and bought a lot of cool things like eating your video For vegetables, I bought the peanut hearts and their toes! My brother and I use the magic of fine dust and weeding out the cheese for breakfast, I try. My sister To kill anyone behind for the next BUBITORAPPUMEIN is a healthy way Issues like awesomeness. Insensitive people, meet their death in a pet REMONEDOKURIO Trogdor hole to Mrs. Dolphin, my league is not required poo I will appear in the basement. If I die, I will change the foundation of the Apes I, I was swimming in summer and winter … I knew love butterflies are flying in the sea 12:00 mutation in a runny nose, hot pickled skiers from the slopes of our mountains! This Are written in a strange way. Hooblop words have to be decoded.

2) Explain why when a sentence is translated from English to Japanese, and then back again several times, it becomes more and more gelatinous.

3) Recite the FBI warnings at the beginning of a movie in Spanish while speaking the native tongue of a horse simultaneously. If you do not succeed, call a local agent. Our operators are standing by.

4) The coffee does the lard of your love and the stern of my mouth where the extreme nuclear weapon of the tacos has been attached in me. Explain this sentence in terms of infinity squared.

Extra credit

1) Once your done eat the 1st pie never to exist.

2) Then tell me all the digits of pi.

3) Prove that the universe is infinite.

4) List the name of everything that doesn’t exist.

5) Try to decipher the text of rabid 12 year old fan girls on Brad Pitt’s twitter page while drinking a glass of water.

Thank You

Please leave all testing materials which you do not own above the desk in a levitating gravity stasis field. If you do not have one you can find one inside the matter/antimatter superextension compressor found under your desk along with the piano. When the invigilator tells you to do so, kindly leave the testing hall in an orderly fashion. Thank you for taking the test, and have a nice day.

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December 12, 2009

Mozilla Firefox

Filed under: PC — amerkaj @ 9:46 am
Tags: , , , ,

Mozilla Firefox

This article is best viewed with Internet Explorer.

While on the surface, Firefox and Thunderbird may appear to be a couple of fancily-clad computer nerds…

…the truth is far more sinister.

Certificate of Steve Ballmer to help Firefox to set a world record.

Coincidence…I think not

Internet Explorer is so fond of firefox, it pretends that it IS Firefox.

Who could resist that…face?

Mozilla Firefox battles Mario in her fox form.

Mozilla Firefox has been known to very carefully approach W3C orders and guidelines. This page is rendered in strict conformance to the latest HTML 5.0 RC2 standard.

There is no such thing as a moral or immoral browser; browsers are well coded, or poorly coded. That is all.

~ Oscar Wilde on Mozilla Firefox

Firefox, you say? No I don't play Pokémon

~ Oscar Wilde on Firefox

It seems that there is flux in the spec around cookies, so Firefox 3 won't have cross domain XHR which is a disappointment

~ ajaxian.com on Mozilla Firefox (taken out of its context)

Mozilla Firefox is a famous magical girl of the 21st century, seen by many Europeans (even though she’s technically a United Statesian) as the Western answer to Japan’s infamous “Project Sailor Moon”. She is a direct descendant of the legendary Maozilla and a daughter of now-deceased Mozilla Suite. Mozilla is therefore a last name, but is written first to make fun of the Japanese.

Firefox’s goal is to reclaim a vital artifact lost for humanity a hundred generations ago in Browser Wars: the Interweb, a huge web embedded in the surface and atmosphere of the planet Earth. Her arch enemy is the Interweb Exploder, a giant monster that repeatedly tries to blow up the Interweb, without much success, and zombifies people that connect their computers to it. Both Firefox and the Exploder are web browsers: their duty is to patrol controlled areas of the Interweb and fight minor saboteurs and wreckers.

As a true superhero, Firefox has a sidekick: her younger sister, Mozilla Thunderbird. The relationship between the two is not an easy one, as Thunderbird envies Firefox for her coolness and popularity and Firefox envies Thunderbird for her ability to fly, but nevertheless they are good friends. Thunderbird works as Firefox’s mail agent, reading letters asking her for help, as well as delivering Firefox’s letters to her fanboys to the nearest post office. Although Firefox rarely replies to these fanboys, as she’s too busy saving the world.

//

Biography

Mozilla Phoenix, the elder sister of Mozilla Minotaur, was a rather average high school girl until a shocking event changed her life completely: her father Netscape, founder of the now-defunct Netscape Navigations Corporation, was fired by AOL, Inc. (where Inc stands for Interweb Nuking Company; it was the title AOL earned for destroying ICQ). This layoff caused Phoenix’s mother Mozilla Suite to suffer a lethal heart attack. (In recent episodes, Suite returns in seafaring form.)

Desiring revenge, Phoenix and her brother Minotaur went to the mountains to find the secretive League of Gecko. The magic of the sacred Temple of Gecko transformed Minotaur into a girl and rewarded her with a pair of wings to fly around the world, spreading the word. Phoenix was given wings too and dubbed Firebird, but she wanted something cooler, so when she returned to the temple a second time, she was punished with being transformed into a human-fox hybrid. Arguably this made her hotter than her sister.

Having returned home, Firefox and Thunderbird (as they were now called) took over the Mozilla Foundation, a company disguised as a fundraising campaign for orphans, and created a subsidiary, the Mozilla Corporation, resulting in a two-part organization now known as Mozilla Enterprises, specializing in some high-tech stuff. Furthermore, the sisters swore to protect the Interweb from corporations aiming to destroy or subdue it.

Alter ego

In normal life, Firefox is disguised under the identity of Lucid Fox, CEO of the Mozilla Corporation. The corporation is nominally presided by the alter ego of Thunderbird, Mitchell Baker, an allegedly crazy millionaire who anonymously bought the old Foundation from AOL through a variety of small charity funds.

Upon its formation, most of the Foundation’s research and development was transferred to the Mozilla Corporation. It maintains its revenue by selling a proprietary Interweb application or two, but only Firefox and Thunderbird know what is the company’s actual business. (Later episodes are rumored to reveal that pieces of the users’ souls are sold to an even shadowier organization known only as the Googleplex.)

Arsenal

Mozilla Firefox only has four special abilities, none of which are useful for the average superhero.

  • Her tail, when it’s not hidden, is capable of inflammating everything it touches. Useless.
  • In case of an alien attack on Earth (or a passer-by asking “Who’s that?” or “Tell me about yourself, pretty”) Firefox can grow twice as large as Earth to wrap the planet with her tail and incinerate incoming Death Stars (as well as Earth, of course). No intermediate sizes are available, and moreover she cannot stay in this mode too long since she needs to breathe.
  • Firefox can change skins, transforming into, naturally, a fox with fiery skin, or instantly changing her outfit with one summoned from Mozilla Enterprises (see below).
  • The “Spread Firefox” ability (see below).

Firefox also has a habit of leaving a custom dart at places she visits. The dart has text on it, usually something like this:

Mozilla/5.0 (Insert OS; U; Insert OS Version; en-US; rv:1.9.1.5)* Gecko/20091102 Firefox/3.5.5

*This section has been censored to prevent Windows-Mac-Linux flamewars.

Aside from these, Firefox’s fighting abilities are those of a normal human of her age. What makes her unique, however, is her array of gadgets called extensions, ranging from trivial to indescribably complex.

Extensions

Firefox’s fighting style involves the usage of a variety of so-called extensions – high-tech devices developed at the Mozilla Corporation. Usually the development process is carried out by Firefox’s fanboys, then the blueprints are submitted to the Mozilla Corporation and the fanboys undergo a memory wipe.

At most times, Firefox doesn’t carry all of the extensions with her. She appears as an unassuming fox-girl in modest clothes and summons the extensions, kept in a secret (SSL-protected) Mozilla warehouse as needed. To activate an extension, Firefox yells “Go go extension <name>!”, and it is teleported to her disposal.

Common extensions used by Firefox include:

  • A comlink for contacting the Mozilla headquarters, made in the style of a palantir disguised as a globe.
  • Adblock, a pair of goggles that make all surrounding advertising placards and banners invisible, allowing Firefox to see through them.
  • IE Tab, a cloaking device which disguises Firefox as the Interweb Exploder and emulates all its quirks and inconsistencies.
  • Fasterfox, a speed-up accessory that lets her arrive on websites before she even decides to actually go there.
  • DOM Inspector, a handy tool that gives her the ability to detect dirty old men from the thousands of fanboys she has and blast them before they could get anywhere near her.
  • CrashZilla, a remote control device for dropping anvils on people chatting nearby (or asking Peer to shoot them).
  • NoScript, a force field generator that protects her from Clickjacking attacks and seeing untrusted active content.
  • Fission, a portable nuclear bomb launcher.
  • Stylish, a magic wand that allows her to change the appearance of her outfit and surroundings.
  • Personal Menu, a mind-controlling device that allows her to convince restaurant workers to prepare for her whatever meal she wants.
  • A Wikipedia search PDA, used by Firefox when she meets an unknown monster to search Wikipedia for information about its vulnerabilities.
  • Internet Exploder theme, so big of a theme it slows it down to internet exploder speed and making it look like IE3.
  • KillBill, a utility to let the user automatically terminate one IE user every 24 hours.
  • Downthemall! an extension that brings all people in the area but Firefox to their knees.
  • VideoStealer, can steal videos from any mobile phone she sees.

And many more. The complete list of Firefox extensions is strictly classified, although Uncyclopedia has recently managed to get hold of Mozilla Corporation’s official list of worst 100 extensions, created by none other than Firefox herself.

Spread Firefox

A participant in the Spread Firefox campaign.

The “Spread Firefox” special ability is triggered by Firefox with the help of fanboys. To ensure that Firefox succeeds in casting it, fanboys need to endlessly prove to non-fanboys that Firefox is much cooler than her rivals and that they really should ask her for an autograph. With such support, Firefox can create copies of herself. When the copies (who are usually busy painting “GET FIREFOX!!!” on nearby walls, which explains why so many things are out to get Firefox) are no longer required, she gets rid of them by yelling the magic phrase: “Version update!” As a side effect, it temporarily disables her ability to summon extensions.

Enemies

Firefox’s infamous memory leak.

As a magical girl, Mozilla Firefox often encounters plentiful villains bearing grand schemes to take over the world. For some reason, all of them seem to think that the first step necessary to take over the world is to get rid of Firefox. Should she meet them, she fights and always wins, because… well, because magical girls always win. Firefox’s reported invulnerability to all kinds of attacks may also have to do something about it.

Microsoft

At first, the Microsoft Widow making Corporation didn’t care much about Firefox, as long as she was blocked from viewing its own website. However, as Firefox quickly gained popularity in both the magical girl fandom and the furry fandom, Microsoft came to be concerned. Firefox proved to be faster and more agile than the lazy, oversized Exploder monster, and won most fights by using her “tabbed browsing” feature, which means that Firefox keeps locations of her hidden stashes in an address book with tabs, for easy access.

Microsoft was so annoyed that Steve Ballmer called Firefox a communist browser, probably due to her obsession with the color red. Some of Ballmer’s followers even brought evidence for an actual conspiracy between Firefox and the Soviet regime, and Ballmer himself publicly swore to Fucking Kill her.

To accomplish this, Microsoft has begun transforming the Exploder into a cute little Prince Charming of ambiguous gender, incorporating many of Firefox’s traits (except his clothing is blue, rather then red-orange), as well as giving him the special ability to disintegrate phishing poles. How exactly it will help him combat Firefox is not revealed.

Dora the Explorer ditched Internet Explorer in favor for Firefox. Call her “Dora the Firefox.”

KDE

The KDE Kommunity hates FirefoKs beKause she does not Konform to KDE’s poliKy of addinK irritatinK features liKe rotatinK loKos and KonsuminK all resourKes she Kan find (it has been perKeived that FirefoKs eats very little*, even when she’s a Kuest at a party). KDE’s “Konqueror”, a Spanish Konquistador who Kan transform into KonKui the draKon, sometimes harasses FirefoKs, but always fruitlessly.

*InterestingKly, this statement is disputed by many FirefoKs eKs-fanboys who have now turned to Operaman, KonKui or Safari. One of them even swears to the FlyinK SpaKhetti Monster that he has seen FirefoKs swallow a 1 KiKabyte memory Khip. Of Kourse, KonKui’s appetite is not disKlosed.

Captain Obvious Operaman showing off.

Operaman

Operaman is a browser with the third largest fanbase, after the Exploder and Firefox. His dream is to have the second largest fanbase, after Firefox. To accomplish this, he sings the letter “O” in the most awkward ways possible, improvising entire operas and charming Exploder fanboys.

Operaman is physically faster and stronger, but without extensions like Firefox. This works in Firefox’s advantage when the two collide, although this happens rarely, as both are busy fighting their way into the Exploder’s domain. Operaman has been known to use extreme force against it’s adversaries firefox and Exploder. However, he usually has to resort to an x-factor style sing-off, as he cannot run multiple processes at once(not being a woman).

Nonetheless, Operaman has made it crystal clear that he will not stop until the fat lady sings.

AOL

Having their own browser, specializing in artificially lowering Interweb users’ IQ in a futile attempt to destroy the Interweb itself doesn’t stop AOL from growing crappy Firefox clones out of DNA acquired from her hair. Nobody cares, as they are obviously incapable of doing anything besides making Firefox laugh to near-death. Not that they can use it to their advantage, though.

“I hate you, Mozilla. And my suit is way cooler than yours.”

God and Godzilla

This is self-explanatory: God hates furries; therefore, by deduction, God hates Firefox. God did not yet dare to actually challenge her to a duel, even in his ultimate, world-annihilating form known as Godzilla, but an increasing number of so-called-experts actually believe that, should such a fight happen, Firefox would easily win.

Steve Jobs

It is a well known fact the Steve Jobs hates furries; therefore, by deduction Steve Jobs hates Firefox. Unlike God, Steve Jobs is determined to assimilate Firefox using his latest invention, Safari, and aid his buddy Bill Gates and his browser Idiot Exploiter on their war on furrydom!

Future

Like you really have a choice…

Firefox is expected to totally dominate the Interweb by 2012 (see the chart). After that, she will probably retire, having accomplished her primary mission, and live a quiet family life, probably married to half-beaten Prince Exploder. Peace, harmony and W3C directive compliance will enter the Interweb, and the horrors of the Browser Wars will only remain where they should have been in the first place — in a thick book entitled “How not to attempt to conquer the world”.

A prediction of changes in browser fanboy base that, according to Dr. Emmett Brown, are pretty accurate. Great Scott, this is heavy!

Of course, Firefox is prone to the corruption of the dark side, like you and me, and there’s no guarantee she will always remain good-meaning, responsive and fast. However, this is less likely than the explosion of the nuclear plant near your home, if you don’t live next to one. Because… well, because magical girls are all cute and pretty and can never go evil. It would just spoil the fun.

Unfortunately, Mozilla Corporation may be sued for setting small animals on fire, and then wrapping them around the earth, which for some reason has been taken over by blue plastic. So, please befriend Firef … no, that’s advertising, I cannot do that. Damn.

December 9, 2009

Holocaust Tycoon

Filed under: PC — amerkaj @ 3:09 pm

Holocaust Tycoon

The most fun you can have outside a Gulag!

~ Ehud Barak

Dear God! How horrible, I can't believe how fat I look compared to these people! We should share diet tips...

~ Oscar Wilde on Holocaust Tycoon

This is more fun than Disneyland!

~ Walt Disney

Holocaust Tycoon is a simulation computer game, released for Windows XP and Wii platforms in 2006. It was developed by Ka-tzetnik Enterprises in Berlin, and later released throughout Europe by WN Software. In Holocaust Tycoon, the player must successfully manage a camp, without going bankrupt, whilst avoiding the attention of invading Allied Forces.

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Gameplay

The player begins with an empty plot of land, levelled and ready for development. In the early stages of the game, the player will build his camp, adding huts, arranging for political opponents, enemy aliens, specific ethnic or religious groups to be transported in, and the construction of (initially experimental) gas chambers. As with most games of this genre the early development is the most important stage, as the structure of the camp is crucial to its survival. Controversially, players are encouraged to cram as many people into huts, to heighten profit (refered to in-game as ‘death toll’).

Eventually, as the camp develops, more options become available. For example, the player must then negotiate contracts with various loyal companies, such as gas providers, freight rail and ancient computer companies (IBM is available). The object of this game is to build an organised and brutal camp, allowing your Commandant promotion whilst gaining the love and appreciation of the Master Race.

Although primarily a strategy game, the game contains a few action-oriented “mission sequences”. Verlassen Verboten! is a first-person shooter in which the player must prevent camp residents from climbing the fence or tunneling. In Trash Day, the player must keep the disposal units running under an increasingly heavy stream of biological waste.

Punters form an orderly queue to acquire Concentrated Orange Jews. Just one mug contains 100% of a punter’s recommended daily intake of Zyklon B. From Uncle Auschwitz!

Units

These are the basic units in the original Holocaust tycoon.

  • Führer – The player’s character. The strongest unit in the game. You can modify the face, but not the moustache.
  • Prisoners – Cannot be created, only imported. For 50 Reichmarks a prisoner can be converted into a “weasel”. He can be told apart from the other prisoners by the fact that he is wearing 18 golden watches and 4 pairs of shoes.
  • Ferret – cost: 250. These specially trained SA soldiers (no, they are not actual ferrets) are used to hunt out tunnels and escape schemes hatched by prisoners.
  • SA-forces – cost: 100. Normal soldier units, and your main camp defenders. The SA forces have the Goose-step ability which gives them +50% moving speed.
  • SS-forces – cost: 500. Better than SA-forces. Special power: can turn your enemies to your allies.
  • Gestapo Forces – cost: 200. Sneak attack prisoners and enemies and civilians and Jews.
  • Furnace truck – cost: 2000. Fast truck with a furnace mounted on the roof. Burns your enemy.
  • Gas Chamber bomb – cost: 5000. Drops a big gas chamber on your enemies.
  • Executioner – cost: 50. Basic unit, armed with a luger. Special power: May evolve if supplied with a Leaf Stone.
  • Doctor – cost: 200. Doctors are very important special units that can perform various scientific experiments. With a doctor, you can create new poisons and chemical weapons just by sacrificing a few prisoners for the the testing.
  • Überdöpperführer – cost: 6000 Can give units moustaches, for a price, turning them into “Kleinführer”, but has low attack.
  • Kleinführer – cost: 600 The strongest of your foot soldiers, other than the Führer.
  • French – cost: only 10, but highly prone to surrender as soon as any actual fighting takes place, they also possess the special ability by throwing cheese at the enemy. This inflicts +10 Damage and poisoning, but remember.. do not rely on these frogs.
  • Kim Jong-Ill – cost: fucking loads and company for an hour. Able to betray your team and attack your units or himself. Also can set nukes that haven’t even been invented yet onto his enemies. Special ability: Care-bear-stare, AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

Enemies

Holocaust Tycoon in its early development.

  • Stalin – He is your main opponent and competitor in the game. He’s also a fanatic practitioner of genocide and will try to beat your killing records with his gulag camps. Luckily he is only allowed to exterminate his own people and sometimes captured German soldiers, you aren’t bothered by this restriction.
  • Allies’ Soldier – The basic enemy unit. Rough equivalent of SA-forces.
  • Soviet Soldier – A soldier that moves very fast, but has low maximum health. Will fire eight bullets, then throw three javelins, then if still not dead, will impale your men with his handy red flag.
  • American Soldier – A strong unit, but will sit around eating hamburgers when not fighting. Will strangle your men with stockings, club them with Hershey bars, or use any other stuff that he might have handy. Very rarely will he know how to work his gun. The American military training system just doesn’t work like that, yet somehow they always seem to kick your ass. Or at least let the Russians do the work then take the credit. Highly prone to friendly fire and team killing.
  • British Soldiers – One of the most difficult units to defeat yet easy to fathom. The Briton will fight till his dying breath, but if told the Americans will bankrupt the British Empire after the war they will defect to your side. The British are very strict during combat; at all times they carry a small copy of the Geneva convention, if captured they will bore your troops to death by reading out what you can and can’t do to them. WARNING!! Keep your soldiers away from British leftovers!!! The British meals will immediately poison your soldiers.
  • South African Soldier – A racist, anti-democratic Fascist, Since they share so many similarities to Germans they are difficult to defeat, the result of a single South African soldier penetrating your lines will be total destruction of your forces, Do not try to reason with them, They are so illogical and are such Mighty Warlords that you will be unable to defeat them through either logic or warfare.
  • South American Soldier – Very authoritarian, tyrannical and oppressive. Look out for the Argentine and Chilean ones, esp. with German surnames.
  • French Soldier – Very rarely seen on the field of battle except when carrying supplies for British soldiers. If attacked, is almost certain to attempt to wave a white flag.
  • Czech Soldier – Willing, but not actually able to fight. If given enough beer can evolve into either prisoners or British soldiers.
  • Slovak Soldier – We rather call them “Untermenschen” but Americans know them as “Slow fucks” and the British as “cheap labour”.
  • Polish Soldier – an Easter-egg unit that comes in riding horses. Hilarious. They fought off their enemies by marching backwards.
  • WwL Soldier – As soon as these captured soldiers from the Worlds without Limits Clan enter your camp, they rape everything in sight. They spread a disease called “Terminal Gonorrhea”. The only cure for an infected person is to pour beer down their pants but they are usually killed by the Canadian soldiers since they have their beer.
  • Belgian Soldiers – They sometimes appear on the battlefield, but never join the fight because they only have 4 bullets each. if you shoot them the belgian gouvernment will send you a long, and boring letter in which they will ask you to stop the fighting, this letter wil not close untill you’ve complety copied it backwards and send it back. That’s what they call political warfare. Van Damnne annoying!
  • Anti-Nazi – These terrifying ninjas will appear during the night. They are stronger than the SA-forces (they break roughly even with Kleinführer). They appear and kill silently. They release every prisoner they find.
  • Enemy Doctor – Heals enemy units. Can be a real nuisance, especially if they break into your House of Death. It makes them all 50% more effective.
  • Winston Churchill – His cigar smoke makes your troops pass out, and dissolve your fences. A combination of his cigar and a bottle of whisky may result into terrible damage to both your soldiers and your camp. It also makes all babies born in the camp look like him. Luckily, he doesn’t appear until later in the game.
  • General Patton – Enters game via Sherman Tank. Hurls insults at American Soldiers, bringing them immediately to attention for the purpose of listening to his long, drawn-out, demoralizing monologues. Patton is very dangerous unit because he doesn’t take shit from friend or foe, shooting at everything that moves.
    Special Ability number 1: Reincarnation.
    Special Ability number 2: Using the guts of your killed soldiers as grease for the treads of his tank. This makes his tank very fast and therefore very hard to hit.
  • Al Queda – If the game is completed, you will be fighting these bastards the next time you play. Warning, these guys have no intelligence and are highly prone to explosions. Mainly from themselves. Special Ability: Hijack.
  • Canadian Soldier – This is the most powerful opponent in the game. However, this is soley due to the fact that the Americans have told them you have all their beer. If they ever find out the Americans have their beer, they will defect to your side.
  • Australian Soldier – A relatively weak unit, due to their habit of drinking large amounts of beer on the battlefield (and everywhere else). They have trouble loading their rifles and are very poor shots, however their vast numbers make them very dangerous and hard to defeat.

Success and Expansion

Over time, a camp may develop and expand according to economic factors and the development of new industries or medical breakthroughs.

These include:

  • LuftWafflehouse Franchise – Allows you to sell defeated Belgian waffles for profit.
  • Flame grilled Frankfurters and Hamburgers – Raises troop morale by 30%.
  • Concentrated Orange Jews – See your mom – Nutritious. They make your units slowly regenerate health.
  • Dr Mengele’s House of Death – See your dad – Allows you to sacrifice Jews to gain special bonuses.
  • Eichmann’s Train o’ Fun – Can be used to torture inmates.
  • Uncle Adolf’s Jew’s Fizz and Fertilizer Emporium – Makes concentrated orange Jews healthier, increasing their refreshing taste and healing benefits!
  • Herr Doktor’s Un-Scented Soap on a Rope – Lure the people into the gas chamber with this! Make them think it’s a shower!
  • Führer’s Choice Leather Jackets – Make your troops 50% sexier, and more intimidating. They make them easier targets for homosexuals, but they inspire fear and jealousy in their enemies.
  • Nazi Soupenkitschen – Grounded up bone stew served by Jerry Seinfeld, the Jew owner of this restaurant. We hired excellent Scandinavian chefs and a few retards we hadn’t disposed of in the T-4 “Eugenics” program.
  • Auschwitz souvenir shop – Get your lamp shades here! Also come in colors, shapes and sizes (look for the dark brown kind, GAY pink triangles and made by crafty old Danish dudes before we put ’em to sleep).
  • ‘” Auschwitz FireWood Company – Fuel your furnaces with the spark of passion.

Strategy

During the 2006 Tournaments Siegfried Mengele (grandson of) surprised his foes by using a doctor-boom. The idea of a doctor-boom is to have a small army which eventually leads to a few prisoners escaping, but is cheap enough to have plenty money for doctors and have access to cruel biological weaponry quickly. A more commonly used strategy is the one called “Arbeit macht Geld” in which the destruction of Jewish prisoners is held off as long as possible. Instead they are used to drain money by scamming other prisoners, after which the money is confiscated in exchange for a longer lifespan.

Excerpt from the Official Holocaust Tycoon Strategy Guide: Genocide for Beginners

  • Lebensraum is always critical if you want to expand your reign of terror. Build your headquarters as close to natural resources as possible. If you minimize the distance between the ghettos and the extermination camps, you will save on the cost of laying railway track.
  • Save money early in the game by denying your prisoners basic civil liberties. You’ll benefit greatly in the later stages of the game when you can spend your hard earned Reichsmarks on Zyklon B and watch your death toll go through the roof!
  • Try to only hire SS and SA soldiers with blonde hair and blue eyes, as you will find that they are able to run faster, jump higher, live longer and are much more intelligent.
  • Build Dr Mengele’s House of Death as soon as possible to reap the rewards of biological supremacy through extensive experimentation.
  • SS Guards should never be utilised for mass grave digging. The prisoners themselves are more than capable of it, despite their extreme emaciation. If they die whilst digging, there are plenty more to take their place!
  • Once Jews have been killed, search their heads for gold teeth that can be traded to Soviet dissidents for weapons and ammunition!

Prisoner Types

Prisoner types have both advantages and disadvantages which increases the complexity of gameplay:

  • Gingers are easy to contain, as they cannot go outside but they may attempt to burn holes through your walls. Furthermore, other characters may mistake them for carrots and eat them.
  • Gypsies can con guards out of their weapons and cast blood curses on them, but you can give the Jewish prisoners false hope of survival by allowing them to beat the gypsies to death, and their mass grave digging productivity will increase.
  • Poles have difficulty understanding simple orders, but are also the easiest type of prisoner to capture. Poles are also very handy for doing the plumbing, although they might steal your transport.
  • Dutch prisoners are handy to have around, as they know how to keep themselves and their fellow prisoners happy and relaxed. Look out for special character Anne Frank, who unlocks an Easter Egg where your guards’ morale can be quickly increased to maximum by sexually assaulting prisoners.
  • Americans are rare until the later stages of the game, and American prisoners are typically fat and lazy, but smart and know how to escape. You are much better off killing them rather than holding them prisoner.
  • Canadians These prisoners are excedingly rare. Most of them orginate from a failed raid. They will work extremely hard, obey orders, and over all increase productivity. However, all they are doing is lulling your guards into a false sense of security. Even if the prisoner is a kind old man with an artifical leg who would never hurt a fly, one night, he will take off his wooden leg, beat your guards to death, and attempt to make his escape. It is possible to tell theu are getting ready to escape, as beer will begin to disappear, as they need beer to power-up. If deined beer, they are even stronger, as they desprately try to get their beer back. Finally, they can ruin American prisoners, as a single Canadian can drink all the American beer without getting even slightly drunk. May attempt to wedgie British officers, yelling about The Somme.
  • Brits will usually allow your soldiers to do anything to them or other prisoners for about 6 months. After that they will try to kill all your guards and escape. Like Canadians they will work hard, but only until their escape plan is perfected. Brits are the most expensive prisoners to keep, due to their excessive cigarette and whisky consumption. If you supply them with beer, however, you should be prepared for a huge shock…
  • French are astoundingly weak, cowardly and surrenders. They are a rude bunch, always yelling about “vive le resistance”, smell of wine, cheese and garlic, and do not fit the Aryan race model, they have to be done with in swift fashion.
  • Russians are renowned trouble makers and need a firm fist and loose trigger finger to keep in line. However their seemingly endless supply of red flags has its advantages in that burning them increases the morale of your men.
  • Jews are notoriously difficult to deal with. Not only do they have a habit of paying off camp guards with smuggled diamonds, but if kept too close to Christian children, they will kill them and drink their blood. Plagues generally start in the Jewish quarters. However, if you torture the Jews enough, they will eventually reveal where they have hidden their family’s wealth, and if you beat them in the head with the butt of your rifle, generally at least a couple of gold teeth will fall out along with the regular ones. If provoked, you must look out for their horns.
  • Homosexuals can spread homosexuality to other races, including the guards via “recruiting”. Homosexuals die quicker of natural causes, and require greater supervision, especially on Friday nights when they tend to sneak out of the camp to visit German discotheques. However a limited number of homosexuals can also be valuable because they won’t touch the young Jewish girls.
  • Germans are highly succeptible to the spread of homosexuality (see above). You will also encounter German women, but it’s very hard to distinguish them from German “men”, which explains why German men are such easy prey for the Homosexuals. German men with blonde hair and blue eyes who have caught homosexuality, aka ‘teh gheyness’, will make better SS special units (see above) than non-homosexual Aryans. German women, to win German “men” (including guards and prisoners), will perform in sick and twisted German pornography movies, but use caution when employing this tactic! Your Jewish prisoners may win distrubtion rights to the films and buy their way out!
  • Resistance Fighters are a somewhat special type, since they’re more like a subtype of the various other kinds of prisoners. They obey most orders and are quite efficient workers, but they’ve got one huge drawback: they can call upon the local Resistance Squad to rescue them. That’s not too bad, luckily: the Resistance Squad doesn’t give a damn about the non-resistance prisoners and leaves them behind when they’re escaping the camp.
  • Hogan’s Heroes will not make any attempt to escape, thus making it easier to have a record of no escapes from your camp. However, they will attempt to sabotage the war effort from within the camp walls, so you should eliminate them as soon as humanly possible.
  • Black people are the second worst race to the Jews. After you done eradicating all the orange Jews, and all the other subhumans, you must focus on terminating the “people of color” who are like monkeys. The objective is to get rid of six million, plus six billion more of other “non-Aryan” races in the whole world. Make sure you segregate them, but make them equal. Hire Americans who are known to wear white hoods and sheets to take care of them Negroes.
  • Communists are also the second worst race to the Jews. Generally, this will improve your reputation with American prisoners (when executed) but they will tend to kick other prisoners in the face, and sometimes will all line up in order to hail their honorable chairman, therefore taking their execution honorbally (shit). These can include russians but are usually chinese who refuse to understand that they’re prisoners of war, and on the same status as jews.

Easter Eggs

Fortunately the game does not come with many easter eggs, since the Jews have never believed in Easter, the Easter Bunny, chocolate eggs, Jesus, and the hypothesis that Arabs may be human too.

Special levels

  • Special level; McDonald’s . After completing the game, you know when you have accessed it as Hitler will come to your home at night wearing a bright red wig via the window (if there is no window the SS will install one free of charge) to congratulate you saying – “6,000,000 Jews Served!” If Hitler is unavailable you may be visited by Himmler, Mengele, or Mel Gibson’s father to applaud you on a job (and Jude) well done.
  • Special Fun House level (UK version only). Takes place inside of the Fun House: “Burn your body and your brain, without choosing play this game! Fun House, ba-da-da!”
  • Special: It’s a Small Third World after all. Where you take a smooth boat ride across the seven seas and view the five or six continents full of Darkies, Mongoloids and Wogs, represents every ethnic and national stereotype. Beware of the drunken Irish, the criminal I-talians, the savage Indians with feathers on their heads, Chinks of many kinds with slant eye glasses, karate outfits and bowl hair cuts, border-jumping Mexicans and the Israeli exhibit is where we watch the Dirty Jews and Dirty A-rabs fight like non-Christians.

Holocaust Tycoon: Siberia Teaches

Due to the success of the original game, an expansion pack was released in February, 2006. It was called Holocaust Tycoon: Siberia Teaches. In it, the player has to establish a camp in the heart of the motherland (The Soviet Union). The expansion pack has received poor reviews due to its extreme difficulty, a Gamespot reviewer wrote “Fucking JERK OFF, this game is bollocks! The prisoners freeze to death every time!”

The expansion also included some new gameplay including: political prisoners (they give a very big score but are hard to obtain), 3 new first-person shooter maps (“For the motherland!!!”, “Who called Stalin evil?” and “The capitalists are escaping!”) and the ability to expose prisoners to the national anthem of the Soviet Union (like a gas chamber but faster). To complicate matters, camps must remain highly productive at all times, and Stalin must take none of the blame. While peasants and factory workers may be worked to death in your mines, other prisoner types such as aerospace engineers must be kept comfortable while still being forced to work under threat of death. Another aspect that complicates gameplay is that each of the player’s units tries to denounce another one from time to time, or forces another unit to denounce a third one. Every time this happens, at least one of the units involved is executed immediately without adequate replacement. More advanced units (e.g., secret officers, political officers and party secretaries) are more likely to suffer from this fate. During later phases of the game, the player will thus notice a severe lack of high-level units, especially those with veteran status.

At the end of the game’s lengthy campaign, the player will receive an invitation to Stalin’s office. Stalin then orders the player to be eliminated due to “lack of efficiency”. Nobody knows what were the people at Ka-tzetnik Enterprises thinking, but he refuses to tell anyone else, although God is currently looking into the matter.

Holocaust Tycoon: The Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea

In the new expansion pack the player goes beyond controlling a camp in some desolate country to controlling a desolate country. The gameplay gives unprecedented freedom for a video game. As the Minister of the Interior, the player can conduct propaganda campaigns to inspire people to work harder for less food, increase agricultural output by adding paper to bread dough, invent new methods of torture, and use secret prisons to re-educate dissidents by beating them with bamboo sticks. However, most importantly the player has to make comforts available to the Dear Leader to keep him occupied to prevent him from giving on-the-spot guidance. Electronics such as iPods and computers are very effective. If the Dear Leader is not occupied the player has no choice but to follow His idiotic advice. This will result in a disaster for which the player will be blamed for and punished by the Dear Leader.

The reviews for the game were quite good:

  • “Glory to the people’s red army!” – The Dear Leader on Everything (the only words that He ever spoke out loud to the Korean public).
  • “This game sucks, every small failure on part of the player is punished by The Leader, and eventually the player is then sent to a concentration camp. Then the game locks down your computer so you can’t turn it off, and the player is forced to watch as his character suffers for 3 long years in a gulag that he constructed to be eventually killed during the US invasion.”

Holocaust Tycoon; Yugoslavia edition

The long-awaited edition sold out in like 5 minutes, about 3 billion were made.

When Europe after WWII and the fall of Communism had an old saying “Never again”, it did happen again in the former republic of Yugoslavia, the land of fraternal unity of rival ethnic groups with a deadly grudge against each other.

The objective of the game is for your ethnic group faction to set up a smaller but just as deadly “camp” guaranteed to be fun. You need to expand your ground to include enough ground to bury your prisoners in mass graves. But you have to act fast before the NATO air strike with its missles positioned at your prison command headquarters occurs in any moment.

Choose Serbs and try to beat the high score of Ratko Mladić.

Sequel

After way too many expansions for humanity’s own comfort, most were burned but the company producing still made sales. They decided to produce a NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW (quoted from Dr. Phil, an American hater) edition of Holocaust Tycoon. It has only been revealed that there will be jew-eating aliens, as well as more criticism from critics about the fact that the graphics are still set for a 1996 game.

International reception

Despite the fact that Holocaust Tycoon got mostly positive reviews, it has not sold well on the Western market. However, it is a record-breaking seller In Somalia, Afghanistan, Mauritania, Niger, Venezuela, Georgia, Kosovo and North Korea.

It got Best Fictional Event award in Iran.

PC Requirements

General:

  • Turing machine (Analytical Machine recommended)
  • IBM Computer recommended (general speed increase)
  • 65536 MHz Enigma® processor
  • RAM: 16gb DDR4 acer
  • 5000 GB of lebensraum
  • Goldtooth devices are not supported
  • 1000 years warranty recommended
  • Large Achtung Juden sign

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