Writer's Caffe

December 9, 2009

2010 FIFA World Cup

Filed under: News — amerkaj @ 3:43 pm

The revised logo for the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa has been designed to incorporate the host nation’s actual national sport..


NASA Funding Cut After Water Found on Moon

Filed under: News — amerkaj @ 2:49 pm

NASA Funding Cut After Water Found on Moon

NASA Headquarters, 20 Kilometers Below the Surface of Mars — NASA President Hal Nyenthowsend today officialy announced that, as of the 15th of November, 2009, NASA would cease to exist as the White House had cut “every last cent of it’s funding” due to “wasteful use of resources and poor performance”.

The recession is rumoured to be a factor in the decision, however, the funding cut comes after a series of blunders by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration dating back over 20 years.

The American Government had been under pressure to cut funding to the program since 1982 when its Steven Spielberg directed propaganda film, E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial, failed to put the organization in a good light. In fact the popularity of government scientists decreased significantly after the films release.

The Administration’s woes continued with a failed publicity stunt in the early 90’s. Their decision to start sending celebrities in to space to make NASA “cool again” quickly backfired when Baywatch star and nobel laureate Pamela Anderson made a trip into the cosmos for an undisclosed sum of money. An oversight by NASA scientists meant that Ms Andersons breast implants exploded as her shuttle was reentering earth’s orbit covering the control panels in silicone and destroying the electrical circuits running the ship. Ms Anderson was lucky to live through the ordeal and successfully sued NASA for $10,000,000 in plastic surgeons fees and reparations for emotional distress.

The final straw came this week when it was announced that water had been found on the moon. What had seemed like a successful bombing mission occured on October 9th this year, however, the elation of bombing something other than another country turned to dissappointment when it was found that there was nothing but water on the barren lunar body. “I think it’s quite obvious we were looking for oil. Even diamonds or gold would have justified bombing ir.. uh, the moon,” president Barack Obama was quoted as saying yesterday “It was a disappointment to find out that thee lunar surface contains only useless water.” He went on to say “The U.S. doesn’t bomb anything for something as unimportant and worthless as water. This is why the decision to cut funding has been made.”

When asked about what would happen to all of the old rocket ships and space shuttles Dr Nyenthowsend said that they would be traded in for cash towards new, more fuel efficient, rockets ships and space shuttles which would be designed and created by General Motors. These new ships are not expected to work.

Super-powered Chinese soldiers scare the Hell out of everybody

Filed under: News — amerkaj @ 2:40 pm

Super-powered Chinese soldiers scare the Hell out of everybody

BEIJING, China — Military professionals across the globe have been thrown into a panic, since the Chinese unveiled their “ultra-soldiers” to the public this morning at a hastily convened press conference. Bred from birth as killing machines, these fearsome men possess powers beyond the ken of most human beings.

Stories about the amazing levels of strength, endurance, speed, and mental acuity have been circulating among the literati of modern warfare. Brigadier Sir Arthur Conan Polyandry of Sussex, England told UnNews, “Individual soldiers with the ability to levitate! This will revolutionize the art of war, and scares the Hell out of potential opponents of China. Bollocks!”

A government source close to President Hu Jintao told UnNews of, “the enormous dedication of these selfless soldiers. That they have advanced the martial traditions of Shaolin and Taoist secrets of alchemy into such a powerful weapon, is truly remarkable.”

Our source in the Pentagon said, “the Joint Chiefs are in a panic. This stuff is miles ahead of any black programs we’ve got in the fire. I think we’re all fucked!”

Contemporary art piece sells for £193000, worth more than man’s life

Filed under: News — amerkaj @ 2:29 pm

Contemporary art piece sells for £193000, worth more than man’s life

29 June 2008

LONDON (where else?!) — England. A piece of art by contemporary artist Darren Endsala was sold today at an auction at Sotheby’s for the sum of £193,000. The piece, which is called ‘This Took Me Five Minutes’ was painted by Endsala in 1998, and the title refers to the composition of the art painting.

Endsala’s painting

Endsala said at the sale: “Five minutes is a long time y’know. Some people take less than five minutes to create something as significant as a baby, you know…You know, four of the five minutes I spent thinking of the idea, half a minute was spent furiously looking about for some blank canvas and inks, and the remaining half-a-minute was spent between meditating on the genius of my new idea, and actually executing it.”

As is becoming frequent in the art world these days, Robert Hughes, a conservative art critic, had sent Endsala an email six days before the auction protesting the piece’s value as a piece of art. Endsala replied: “What would he know? Y’know?” He also sent a letter of protest to Sotheby’s, demanding that they cancel the auction.

Meanwhile, on the same day, a man sold his entire life for £192,000, fetching a thousand pounds less than Endsala’s piece. Ian Usher, a man from Darlington, England had sold the lot on eBay, and he was rather disappointed that the auction did not fetch more, as he had included some of his own friends in the auction.

Usher was informed of the sale of the art piece by reporters and was asked for comment: “I wonder what Robert Hughes would say about it?” was his indifferent response. The reporters, keen to press him for more only served to exasperate Usher, who told them to “Get an art!” The coincidence has led many self-appointed cultural critics to comment. The consensus has been that art would now seem to be more valued than life.

One critic, Giannisto Gramsci, an Italian intellectual remarked: “What we are seeing is a hegemony where art is worth more than the human being. The capitalist state is thus maintained by a complex procedure of life-devaluationment and art-glorificational consciousness“. However, a close examination of the painting reveals Endsala’s blatant anti-capitalism. Tarquin Tattersley, a prominent critic and AIDS campaigner, sensing that art is now officially more valuable than life, has said that the AIDS movement should change their official slogan to “Choose art“.

Noah Aic, a professor of child psychology writes: “Perhaps we will see a shift in traditional family planning, as many parents may be more keen to produce pieces of art rather than babies. This auction may set a precedent. Family planning clinics may have to adapt to giving advice not on contraception or infertility but on conceptual art and impressionism instead.

Pope to appear in Girls Gone Wild film so Americans will know who he is

Filed under: News,Religion — amerkaj @ 9:03 am

Pope to appear in Girls Gone Wild film so Americans will know who he is

16 May 2008

VATICAN CITY, Italy — It has been quite some time since the Pope (leader of some obscure religion apparently) made a visit to the United States. In that time, he has had time to reflect on his visit, and is apparently dismayed by the number of people who had no idea who he was.

In a photoshoot before appearing in the GGW project

A Vatican spokesperson says: “His Holiness was shocked to find himself frequently shoved by passing civilians. He was actually mugged on his way to Ground Zero in New York. Very few people knew who he was, and the only reason people cheered for him when he arrived in Washington DC was because they thought he was the man who played Emperor Palpatine in the Star Wars films. Which I guess is understandable. Also, many people thought he was trick-or-treating despite the fact that Halloween was months ago. He was laden with quite a bit of candy, and found this very distressing. Although His Holiness did find the Mars Bars quite scrumptious.”

The Pope has announced his wishes to make himself more known to the American public. He initially hoped to sign a deal with the makers of the Grand Theft Auto games. The deal would have made the Pope the main character of a spin off, Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City. However, before the deal was finalized, Grand Theft Auto IV was released, and the makers of the game were all lynched due to the incredible stupidity of the sequel.

The Pope’s next move was to sign a deal with the makers of the Girls Gone Wild amateur porn films. The Vatican’s spokesman explains: “The pope will not be appearing nude in this film, despite his magnificent breasts. No, he instead will give a sermon at the beginning of the film warning of the dangers of lust. After that, his sermon will be followed with two and a half hours of drunken girl-on-girl action! He’ll become an instant celebrity. The only thing that could make him any more famous would be sleeping with Eliot Spitzer.”

“This is a brilliant public relations move,” says political analyst Justin Cyderhole, “It’ll expose the pope to a whole new generation of people, most of whom have never heard of the Pope and think “the vatican” is a sexual position. Which, incidentally, it is, but that’s not the point. Now, the Pope will show himself to people who normally wouldn’t see him.”

However, the producers of the Girls Gone Wild films are rather concerned about the Pope’s appearance in the film. “He talks for nearly five minutes, which is clearly beyond the attention span of most young American men. I think it’s a shitty idea myself. I mean, the pope leaves all his clothes on! ALL of them!”

Nobody has yet told the Pope that the video he’s introducing is called Girls Gone Wild:Catholic Schoolgirl Slumber Party.”

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