Writer's Caffe

December 11, 2009

Teletubbies

Filed under: Myths — amerkaj @ 10:08 am
Tags: , , , ,

Teletubbies

The Teletubbies celebrate after defeating rivals USC 13-10

The Teletubbies, also known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (and “Satan’s Little Cousins” to their frustrated rivals), led Notre Dame to two football National Championships between 1920 and 1924. The four were all dominant figures in their respective positions in the back-field, crushing each opponent mightily. After the perfect 1924 season, they became legends not only of Notre Dame, but of the entire United States. Notre Dame had lost only two games combined in the 1922 and 1923 seasons. Both loses came against the Nebraska Cornhuskers in Lincoln before packed houses.

//

Tinky “Winky” Stuhldreher

Tinky “Winky” was the quarterback of the team. He led the nation in passing all four years that he started. He threw a record 135 career touchdowns, earning him a Purple Heart (later rescinded after discovering that he was not actually in Los Angeles for his alleged 5-touchdown performance against UCLA). Stuhldreher, a 5-7, 151-pounder from Massillon, Ohio, was a self-assured leader who not only could throw accurately but also returned punts and proved a solid blocker. He emerged as the starting signal caller four games into his sophomore season in 1922. He was often labeled cocky, feisty and ambitious, but his field generalship was unmatched. Purple was Stuhldreher’s favorite colour and he wore purple shorts under his uniform for all 40 games he started. He often appeared in public with a cow-pattern bag filled with junk. This made the public suspect an alternative lifestyle, which led to him falling into a state of psychosis in which after he graduated he ran around aimlessly, often exclaiming “There’s a frickin’ baby in the sun!!!”. During one game, Tinky Winky was suspended for yelling “I got a gun! I got a gun!” However, Winky claimed that he actually said “I gotta have fun, I gotta have fun.” Stuhldreher was the head football coach for 11 years at Villanova, then became athletic director and football coach at Wisconsin. He died in 1950 after overdosing on marshmallow peeps.

Elmer “Dipsy” Layden

Dipsy, so called for how he made defenders feel after a crushing block, was the fullback who led the way on many option plays to touchdowns. The fastest of the quartet, he became the Irish defensive star with his timely interceptions and also handled the punting chores. The 6-foot, 162-pounder from Davenport, Iowa boasted 4-second speed in the 40-yard dash. He didn’t carry the ball often, but rather preferred the violence of blocking. He critically injured a record 15 people against Syracuse (charges were dropped). Fond of rabbits, he often became distracted at practices when he began chasing rabbits that often infested the field randomly. Layden coached at his alma mater for seven years and compiled a 48-14-1 record. He also served as athletic director at Notre Dame. After a business career in Chicago, Layden died in 1973 at the age of 70 from a combination of stupidity and AIDS.

Jim “Laalaa” Crowley

Crowley, who came to Notre Dame in 1921 from Green Bay, Wisconsin, stood 5-11 and weighed 162 pounds. Known as “Laa-Laa” for his tendency to hum spunky tunes in the huddle, Crowley outmaneuvered many a defender with his clever, shifty ballcarrying. He was the halfback who split time with Don “Po” Miller. Oftentimes, all four horsemen were on the same field for the T-bone formation, but usually it was Crowley who got the call on these plays. Compiling 1,000 yards for all four seasons, Crowley was coveted by NFL teams for his speed and versatility. In a stunning move, though, Crowley jumped the NFL in favour for culinary school. He became a successful chef at Chez Chas, but after being caught in a torrid affair with Chas, he was shamed to become the cook at Al’s Slop Bucket, a crappy diner on the outskirts of Memphis, Tennessee. It was there that he created the “Tubbie Pancakes”, which he named after his pals at Notre Dame. Crowley started as an assistant coach at Georgia. He quickly moved to head coaching positions at Michigan State and Fordham where his famed line, the “7 Blocks of Granite”, included Vince Lombardi. His Fordham teams played in the Cotton Bowl and Sugar Bowl. His overall record was 83-26. He later entered business in Scranton, Pa. Tragically, Laa-Laa died in 1986 at the age of 83.

Don “Po” Miller

Po was called such because he was so kind that people said he was “practically half-pope”. Somebody very clever then called him Po. Miller, a native of Defiance, Ohio, followed his three brothers to Notre Dame. At 5’11”, 160 pounds, Miller proved to be the team’s breakaway threat. Miller often caught passes out of the back-field, which made him ahead of his time (seeing that the forward pass was not yet legal). Referees did not care, however, because often they had money on the game in favor of Notre Dame. Unfortunately, right before the 1924 season he came down with a bad disease. He developed television-stomatitis – a condition which frequently causes large magnets to be deadly. Knowing this vital weakness, USC magnetised their stadium in Po’s last game. Although Notre Dame still won, less than a week later, Po fell ill and slipped into a coma which lasted 7 days. Miller left coaching after four years at Georgia Tech and began practicing law in Cleveland. He was appointed U.S. District Attorney for Northern Ohio by President Franklin Roosevelt. Miller died in 1979 at the age of 77.

The Great Black Teletubby

The Great Black Teletubby checkin’ out sum Playboy® bitches.
But nobody cares.
Warning: This section might contain racism.
Check the movie and report accordingly if it contains one or more of the following:
Swastikas, white robes, Morgan Freeman, South Africa as it looked in the 1970s,
Zimbabwe as it looks today,
AK-47s, Muslims, one-armed black people, fried chicken, product placement or Linux. Alternatively, run like hell and don’t go back.

Little is known of the great black teletubby, this is largely because, being the only black teletubby, he was largely ignored by the other teletubbies until quite recently. Directly following The Great Teletubby War, he returned to his hometown of Saint Paul, Minnesota, where he started a comedy club with the money he had left. His current whereabouts are unknown. The last sighting of him was in Los Angeles, giving lectures at the local elementary schools, although the sources to validate such a sighting are somewhat questionable.

The Legend

While it’s been over 80 years since the quartet played college football, their legend lives on. There may be no more recognizable nickname in all of sports than the one Rice bestowed upon the four players. That was underscored in 1998 when the USPS honored the Four Horsemen with their own stamp as part of 15 commemorative postage stamps saluting “The Roaring Twenties.” The legend of the Teletubbies will live on forever in the form of their PBS show, which chronicles the life and times of these horsemen. Unfortunately, their planet was blown up by the Death Star.

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December 9, 2009

Medusa

Filed under: Myths — amerkaj @ 2:25 pm

Medusa

I'm done with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' bitch!

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Medusa

Perseus about to perform a very short back and sides on Medusa.

Medusa is a good example of what happens if you fall out with your personal stylist. Medusa learnt her lesson too late!

//

Origins of Medusa

You could say Medusa had a pretty rotten life all round. Whereas her sisters got eternal life – she was told she had to be ‘the mortal one’ – but would at least look drop dead gorgeous in the bargain. Medusa took this crumb of comfort and got a job looking after Athena’s temple. Inside it had a huge statue of the supposed virgin goddess scratching her bare bum after a game of tennis – a saucy gift to Athena from Aphrodite. Surrounded with sexual innuendo – Medusa soon fell to her more basic urges and agreed to a quickie with a passing Greek God in the temple. However Athena – who had already installed a discreet CCTV in the temple – saw the whole romp on her Olympus Size HD screen!

Shampoo With Snakeoil

Medusa having an unruly snakelock hair day.

As often happens with people who have slept with Gods – Medusa now thought she had special powers and decided to become a full time model. Her uglier sisters Euryale and Stheno were hired as P.R.s and soon the local Greek papers like ‘The Delphic Oracle’ and ‘Athens Democrat’ chronicled the increasing diva like behavior of Medusa.

A new personal assistant was hired who promised to treat Medusa’s bottle blonde roots. The woman (who was Athena in disguise) gave the luckless Medusa a good hair rinse and her equally ghastly sisters as well. Cleverly – using her godly spells – the transformation of Medusa’s hair into snakes occurred at the New York Fashion show where she was modelling for Karl Lagerlout. In an instance an audience of fashion journalists , designers and Z list celebrities were turned into a sad collection of ugly statues.

We Want To Be Alone

Medusa and her sisters fled to somewhere less fashionable as they tried to work out how to undo Athena’s spell. But walking around with a nest of vipers hissing and spitting wasn’t going to help the sisters social life. They tried to become a singing trio – The Gorgon Sisters – but they found that audiences were very cold towards them – so the snake haired lovelies got to eating them instead if they didn’t applaud enough. Unsurprising bookings dried up and the Gorgons headed off to an island to instead to prey on passing tourists on their motorboats and yachts.

Perseus Given a Task to Make Him A Hero

“Oh shit – I forgot to look away !” Despite Perseus’s bare bollock heroics – he makes a Bonobo !

Perseus – a surfer boy from Thebes – was by chance looking for a new job in Athens when he saw an advertisement that read : ‘Wanted – A New Greek Hero’. Thinking – why not ?, Perseus applied and was hired by Athena who was still mad with Medusa. She asked him that he would be a very lucky Greek and would appear on the Pantheon News Channel if he could find Medusa and cut off her head. Perseus nodded and booked a flight to the Island of Death !

A Change of Plan

Perseus phoned Athena to say that Medusa had left The Gorgon Sisters and had changed her name to Madonna . She was now touring with Stone Dead Roses so Perseus reasoned the job was off and got a bar job serving his famous ‘Persey Slammers’ instead.

Athena Kicks His Big Fat Greek Arse

When she had heard that Perseus had chickened out of his mythological destiny – she flew down to the bar and using her famed wisdom – punched him through an open window. The reluctant hero agreed to forshorten Medusa as Athena asked.

“Go now Perseus ! – and bring me that bitch’s head. I want it to be centre piece of my new dining room on Olympus.”

She also gave him a flying horse called Pegasus , a pair of spring loaded sandals and the Underpants of Invisibility so that Perseus could sneak up on old snake hair undetected. Athena also gave him the handy ‘Rough Guide to Mythological Monsters and Terrible Beasties’ to read on the journey.

Say Goodnight Medusa

Using the inbuilt monster Sat-Nav installed on Pegasus’s head – Perseus soon found himself in a run down housing estate and outside Medusa’s seedy apartment. A row of stoney postmen and a the petrified Jehovah’s Witness outside her door convinced Perseus he was at the right address.

Sneaking upstairs (and wearing his invisible underpants) – he found Medusa lying on her Emin Unmade Bed surrounded by sheep bones, Nikon Cameras and Amy Winehouse CDs. He looked down at her and saw that despite her green coloured skin and reptilian hairstyle – Medusa had once been quite a looker – like a lost extra on a Star Trek film. Anyway then Medusa’s tiresome snakes smelt him and hissed so Perseus cut off her head left the crime scene for a gory edition of ‘CSI:Classical Athens’ to clear up.

Hello ? Naked Woman Chained to a Rock ??

“She’s not my type. Does Andromeda have a sister ?”

Perseus flew over a naked young woman who had been chained to a rock . A table and chair and set up besides her with a menu that read : ‘Main Course: Andromeda Followed by Snails’.

“Quick ! free me brave Greeky !!, ” screamed Andromeda. “The Sea Monster has just gone off for a piss behind that rock ! I’ll be your wife and hoover every day ” – guessing correctly that as a hero – he would also be bone idle when it came to house work. Perseus could hear the belching , swearing monster coming and told her “Look away now if you don’t want to know the result.”

Perseus pulled out Medusa’s bloody head and waved it at the Monster who promptly turned to a huge pile of stone turds.

Who’s A Hero Now !

Andromeda’s parents who had left her out for the creature came from around a projecting sea cliff and gave Perseus a huge party in celebration crying ‘A Curse Has Been Lifted’. But when Perseus asked if he could now leave – the ungrateful party goers seized his Medusa head bag and had a fatal look. Andromeda cried so much to see all her folks changed into a messy rock gardenthat she asked the Gods to put her into the sky so that could moan up there instead for eternity. You can still see her today doing just that !

Where’s My Head ?

Perseus got home and traded in all his heroic gifts in for a spanking new Ferrari. However he did keep the head – it was useful to get rid of other people he wasn’t keen to see anymore. But Athena came knocking and took away Medusa’s head and stuck it on her shield.

“Well what ever turns you on Athena, ” said Perseus. “Now can I retire and wait for the myth makers to catch up and finish my story ? Do you fancy a ‘Persey Slammer’ as well – doesn’t the hero get the girl in the end ??”

“Sorry Perseus..You lose ” and with that Athena turned him into a well hung statue – the least she could do for the cheeky Greek hero . ” Now at least you won’t sully your myth in future. ”

Moral of the Story

Pegasus left the heroic adventure business and retired to Rhodes to play night time beach volley ball instead.

Greek Gods are touchy bastards so if you are going to mock them – check if they have a sense of humour. Athena didn’t have one and nor did Apollo. However Aphrodite was good for a giggle usually.

Her Special Powers

Medusa is supposed to have had the following powers:

  • Turn you into stone if you look at her eyes.
  • Went out shopping with a wooly hat on her head.
  • Not going crazy with twenty snakes on the top of her head hissing all the time.
  • Scaring her barber shitless.
  • Hot in bed as long as you kept the lights off.
  • Not a girl you want to bring home for mother.
  • Useful if you fancied a pair of Stone Clad Jeans.
  • Someone even Mick Jagger would not fancy trifling with.

Medusa: I have just left Amy Winehouse’s place after a crackasmack party.

Footnotes

  • Perseus was later sued by Medusa’s sisters for killing a mythical monster without a license.
  • Statues to Perseus lopping off Medusa’s head in her seedy bedsit were later changed by the Greeks into a poetic cave.
  • There is a lost play about Medusa by Euripides entitled ‘Me and My Snakes’.
  • Quotes come from Athena’s own autobiography.
  • Or that could just be another tall tale.
  • Hesiod was out at lunch for that particular myth.
  • A painting by my mum shows a similar theme.
  • Plato said the same thing to Aristotle once.

I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle

Filed under: Myths — amerkaj @ 2:15 pm

I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle

IT’S A FUCKING TRIANGLE.

No, seriously. The Bermuda Triangle is fucking lame. Don’t believe me? You’re lame too. I have scientific evidence on my side. The Bermuda Triangle is a bunch of New Age horseshit, and may even be a pyramid scheme. Here’s why.

//

The Bermuda Triangle

The Bermuda Triangle is an imaginary area of ocean between Bermuda, Puerto Rico, and Myanmar. The idea is that you draw lines between these islands and then inside the triangle there are ghosts. Spooky!…if you’re three years old. “Oh noes mommy!! Teh bad water is going to eat teh boats!!!” Grow up! First, planes rock, who the fuck cares about boats? The Bermuda Triangle is just a story made up by sailors, and here’s a hint: sailors are drunk 95% of the time. These are the same people that came up with patent nonsense like mermaids and neap tides, and now you’re letting them tell you that this one specific area of water shaped like a triangle is going to leap out like the alien does in that movie Alien and rip your face off? No way, because that alien was awesome and the Bermuda Triangle is definitely not awesome.

Hell, Lloyd’s of London, the world’s biggest largest insurance company, whose fucking job it is to know where ships will sink most often, says that the Bermuda Triangle is a piece of bullshit. They won’t charge you extra to insure your boat if you tell them it’s going through the Bermuda Triangle. And Jesus H. Christ, if an insurance company won’t charge you higher premiums for doing something, then the odds are pretty strong that said activity is perfectly safe.

Triangles

Not so menacing now, is it?

The Hoagie Triangle: a 1000% improvement.

I’ve seen triangles in math class. Triangles are always small. There’s no way you could even have a triangle hundreds of miles on a side because you couldn’t find a piece of paper big enough.

Also, spheres are the natural enemy of triangles because one is rounded and three-dimensional and one is pointy and two-dimensional. The Earth is a sphere and thus would not permit a triangle on its surface. I learned that in math class, too.

And even given that such a triangle could exist and given that it existed near Bermuda, why would you want to fill it with ghosts? I can think of much better uses for that triangle. Fill it with hoagies! Sure, yeah, we can have a Hoagie Triangle where instead of swallowing ships and planes it dispenses delicious piping-hot hoagies and grinders with chips on plates! That is where math applies to the real world, fuckers!

Note: The hoagie triangle is only available in Pennsylvania. For the rest of the world, see Sub triangle. Pardon the pun.

Shut the Fuck Up

Merciful meatballs, can we stop hearing about the Bermuda Triangle? How can you make 1.5 million square miles of salt water interesting? You can’t! Let’s face it, if David Copperfield has been there, it’s not cool. Yes, that goes for the Statue of Liberty too.

Other hack jobs from pop culture include:

  • Bermuda Triangle
  • The Bermuda Triangle, a completely different movie we swear!!
  • Somebody trying to cash in with a book SAY IT AIN’T SO!

Stephen King wrote a book on this? And it’s not even one of his comedic ones? Fuck me in the Ozarks!

I hope nobody actually buys this shit.
STOP PRESS: On December 21 2005 the Bermuda Triangle mysteriously disappeared, as if it had never existed. Scientists are baffled as to what it disappeared into, although one was quoted as saying “I’ll give you one guess. And don’t quote me on that or I’ll sue.” Oops…

Ever since said disappearance, the government has advised people to refrain from publicly trying to insult the Bermuda Triangle. It is George W. Bush’s opinion that the Bermuda Triangle has assumed a physical manifestation and has been hunting down people all across the world with what marine-bio-mathematicians and Brendan Benson have described as “one big ass mother fuck’n hand, I swear that thing is evil!” The entirety of the U.S. army has been summoned to fight this monstrosity and until then the whole world is advised to keep their eyes peeled for malevolent geometric figures. Look out behind you!

The Discovery Channel ran a feature on the Triangle. Come to find out, the “mystery” is that methane is causing the ships to sink, and not telekinetic guppies with superiority issues, or whatever crap the new-agers are spewing these days. That’s right folks… methane. WHALE FARTS are what is sinking all of those ships! Perhaps it’s payback for the whaling in the past? If so, they are pretty stupid, seeing as the only whalers nowadays are Japanese. Last time I checked, Japan isn’t in the fucking Atlantic. In conclusion, the Bermuda Triangle is only good for breeding stupid, gassy whales. This ends our tale from “Teh Ghey Planet”

Aids

Filed under: Myths — amerkaj @ 2:09 pm

Aids

A ribbon worn by supporters of the AIDS virus

That which doesn't kill me, can, in fact, kill me.

~ Oscar Wilde on AIDS

Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, otherwise known as: ‘I have what?!’, is a disease which one can acquire, if one so chooses, by licking the exposed cut of, sticking one’s penis inside, a foreigner or diseased animal, or simply by wearing a condom. To cure the ailment it is rumored that one must simply perform a ‘Ring’- like procedure, making a copy of the disease and passing it on to someone else.

If you really don’t want to catch AIDS, the UN has suggested that you ‘go and live in a hole somewhere, having cut off your penis and also your anus if you want to be extra safe.’

// <![CDATA[//

Categorization

AIDS, formerly known as AYDS, is also a revolutionary pill that stopped the obesity epidemic.
Threat Levels:      Fucking ridiculous. We are all going to die.
Classification:     Motherfucking pandemic.
Cure:               You're joking, right?
Appetite:           Seemingly insatiable.
Favorite Color:     Blue.

if you have aids dont use a condom

Biography

Early life

Sex with giant scorpions and spiders is to be avoided if you don’t want to catch AIDS.

Ass Injected death Syndrome(aids) has been around since the late nineteenth century, but at that point it was a relatively small-time disease, infecting monkeys and other small mammals in parts of Sub-Saharan Africa. Then, at some time in the 1960s, with the liberation of homosexuals in America, some of them went a bit OTT and decided it would be a good idea to try and have sex with said monkeys and other small mammals. I’m not kidding. They really did. Anyway, said homos went and had sex with their respective monkeys, and by all accounts it was jolly good fun. Then, they went back to America, and started having sex with humans again. Here the problem arose, as it later transpired that in this cross-species fornication, the unwitting homosexuals had inadvertently transferred the AIDS virus straight into humankind! Uh-oh…

Making it Big

AIDS then went on to propagate itself around the entire human population of Earth. By the start of the twenty-first century, everyone was getting super pissed of with it, as it had infected approximately 32 million people and pretty much fucked over the entire monkey population. In 2005, it was nominated as one of the ‘Most Badass Diseases EVER’, but unfortunately lost the title to Ebola, which is a disease that pretty much makes you bleed out of every orifice when you catch it and then die within a few hours. Poor old AIDS didn’t really have a chance, Ebola is just too badass. AIDS took consolation in the fact that it was way more famous than Ebola, but then someone reminded it that the only reason Ebola isn’t famous is because the moment anyone gets near it, they just fucking die. Now AIDS is really upset.

Later Life

AIDS is not the kind of disease to give up and call it a day though, oh no…it’s now 2009 and the total amount of infected people and monkeys is somewhere around 14 billion, which is rather surprising seeing as the world primate population is only about 11 billion. Hmmm…where are all these extra monkeys/humans coming from? And how did they get on the register for being infected with AIDS? Beats me. Anyway AIDS is now the second most feared disease on Earth.

AIDS: What? No, I’m the number 1 most feared disease on Earth…

Me: Oh, what? Shit, this is awkward, didn’t anybody tell you? Jesus, sorry, man…Cancer’s way more feared than you…

AIDS: WHAT!? Who the fuck is Cancer?

Me: Oh yeh, he’s really scary, you don’t even have to have sex with anything, one day you could be just minding your own business, and then the next thing you know…BAM!…Cancer.

AIDS: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! First I’m not the most badass, now I’m not even the most feared!? (Starts sobbing profusely.)

Me: Oh, don’t cry…

AIDS: But…I’m…n-not…f-f-feared!

Me: Oh, it’s okay, lot’s of people are scared of you, how many have you killed now?

AIDS: F-f-fifty million…

Me: See, there you go! That’s a really big number! Fifty million! Wow! I haven’t killed anyone!

AIDS: R-really?

Me: Well….that anyone is aware of at least….

AIDS: W-what?

Me: Nothing….You are feared though.

Death

On February 26 (which also happens to be my birthday), AIDS was committed to the St. Johns hospital in New Hampshire with a case of terminal cancer. It appeared every AIDS-infected victim was also dying of some variety of tumor or growth, and all of these people simultaneously died at 5 ‘o’ clock on the afternoon of that day. Monkeys became extinct and the remaining human population were left to rebuild what was left of their crumbled civilization. Richard Dawkins said something about natural selection, and someone punched him in the face.

What You Can Do

Pope Benedict XVI arguing that condoms are actually meant to prevent impure thoughts coming out of your head.

Pretty much nothing really. I mean, AIDS is a disease…what are you? From AIDS point of view, you’re nothing but a vector through which it can infect other humans and monkeys. You are nothing to AIDS. If you really want to help prevent it though, I suggest you do like the Pope and propagate abstinence from use of condoms and other devices of sexual protection. That ought to do it. Seriously though don’t engage in any kind of bestiality. Horses, monkeys, dogs and homosexuals are all a big no no……so is Barbara Streisand…. If you really want to try it on with an animal, at least get it tested first. A good way to do this is to go to a vet’s claiming that the animal is your pet, and say that you believe it has been raped by someone carrying the AIDS virus. That way you should be able to molest said animal with no fear of infection yourself, should its tests come up clean. So enjoy you sick fuck!



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