Writer's Caffe

December 12, 2009

Loneliness

Filed under: Art — amerkaj @ 9:55 am

Loneliness

Image:Heartm.gif xX mY bRoKeN hEaRt Xx (Image:Ljicon.gifMy_Night_mare_XoX) wrote, @ 2006-01-24 15:15:00

Image:Ljarrows.JPG

Current Mood: Image:Sad.gif suicidal

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Current Music: My Chemical Romance

Dis moovie r0cks. Lullzzzz. “im so ronery.”

Loneliness (for Victoria)

Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.

It is the feeling that no one loves me.

Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of my Teenaged Angst.

No one understands me.

No one loves me.

My family claims that they do, but we all know they’re lying.

God, I hate them so much; the fakes.

The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care

All live in my iPod.

Note to self: Try this later.

Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?

I’m not.

Not since she left me.

I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,

or perhaps he’s just more Scene than I, or maybe it’s his hair.

It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.

She was so much better than the girl last week.

I let her draw Xs and cut lines on my wrists in sharpie.

They’re still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.

They are tempting me.

School is such a waste.

This is how I’d look if my parents didn’t suck!

We’re supposed to learn about things that don’t matter.

Who cares about poets and plays,

When the world has no meaning?

I can’t wait to get my new glasses,

Although I don’t need them at all.

That’s why i stare at my computer screen all day.
My dad took away my razor set last weekend.

I hate him. He doesn’t understand me.

The doctorss are still worried about my problems.

I hate them too. They don’t care about people or saving lives.

A pair of kiddie scissors aren’t sharp enough to cut. But they’re all I have.

This sucks. These thirteen years have been a waste,

And I want to end it all now.

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December 9, 2009

Art That Looks Like Nothing

Filed under: Art — amerkaj @ 3:07 pm

Art That Looks Like Nothing

A Spanish Sunset

So you want to be an artist, but have absolutely no real credible talent in art? Join the club. You are absolutely sure you want to be an artist? Well okay then, I am going to let you in on a little secret that will get you into art without actually having to do anything. The secret is Art That Looks Like Nothing.

More commonly referred to as abstract, or modern artwork, among members of the club, so that the secret will never be revealed. It is actually very easy to make these “abstract” and “surreal” paintings, or sculptures, or whatever your medium of choice is. When you finish make sure you give it a trippy name, so that the critics will refer to it as either abstract or surreal, and thus, think it is brilliant.

//

History of Art That Looks Like Nothing

Art that looks like nothing developed as an icon of the 1930’s, where poor people who suffered greatly from the great depression needed to find a way to make a quick dollar without putting forth much effort at all. After marketing their work under the title of abstract, or surreal, the poor families made a killing[1]. Having found this new gold mine of salvation, art that looked like nothing began zooming into people’s homes, giving them a great outlook on the bleak future, and giving America hope for a new beginning.

Death of Art That Looks Like Nothing, 1946

Following World War 2, many artists who produced art that looks like nothing during the war began to reap the benefits of the new economy. They made more money than they could have ever imagined. However this, unfortunately lead to the decline of art that looks like nothing. With the money being made by the second from sales of the magnificent art that looks like nothing, artists began to quit while they were ahead. They already had a steady pension plan coming in from the artwork they had already produced, and that money was theirs to keep, however if anyone caught on to their scheme, then they could face very hefty charges and fines. Thus, they left the market of Art that looks like nothing forever, or did they?

Rebirth of Art That Looks Like Nothing, 1979-Present

Following the Viet Nam War, people looked for the beautiful art that looks like nothing, but found that quantities were very slim, and prices had skyrocketed, leaving many homes without the beauty of this art. Seeing the exploiting that could be done from this new demand for art that looks like nothing, many new, young artists arose from the ashes of the fallen artists of art that looks like nothing, and begun producing art that looks like nothing at exceptional rates.

With this new birth of art that looks like nothing, many people made their lives complete by buying brand new art that looks like nothing, and even buying remakes of some of the classic art that looks like nothing. The ways of the new artists have continued to grow over the decades, and have reached impressive sales by the present time with many people learning the secret of the art that looks like nothing, art that looks like nothing has become one of the most world-renowned forms of art there is, and nobody suspects a thing!

Piet Mondrian’s “Composition 10” the cornerstone of art that looks like nothing.

Piet Mondrian

Piet Mondrian is considered the father of art that looks like nothing. He began working on art that looks like nothing long before it became popular to do so in the 30s. Mondrian created a series of artworks that featured several black lines, and red, yellow, and blue boxes intertwined within the black lines. This set of art contained 13 pieces, which Mondrian created on one rainy Thursday afternoon in 1920.

Mondrian understood the way to sell his artwork, giving them names like “Composition 10[2]“, “Composition of Yellow, Blue, and Red“, and “Composition II of Yellow, Blue, and Red“, which were so outrageous that people couldn’t help but spend hundreds of dollars on them.

Piet Mondrian continued putting out art that looks like nothing for years during the 1920s, up until his death in 1929, shortly before the boom in creation of art that looks like nothing in 1932. It is a true shame that he could not see what an influence his art that looks like nothing had on the future of art that looks like nothing.

Modern day artists of art that looks like nothing have paid their respects to Piet Mondrian, remaking his artwork, and selling it for their own gain, just as Mondrian would have wanted. You would be surprised at how much money remaking a bunch of black lines would bring in. That is why many aspiring artists of art that looks like nothing begin by remaking old popular Mondrian works.

Recent advances in the paintball field have allowed multiple colors to be used in one gun, making the use of a paintball gun much easier.

Your Palette

So you are sure you want to become an artist for art that looks like nothing? Okay then. The first thing you need to know is the tools that you should use. Art that looks like nothing can be made from almost anything you can possibly think of. Traditional art that looks like nothing has been created using a standard paintbrush, however with technological advances of time we are now able to use almost anything. Quick artwork has been made by repeated firing at a blank canvas with a random assortment of colors from a paintball gun, and that has become one of the most used forms of creation.

However if you are going to go the traditional way, and want to remake a Piet Mondrian masterpiece, you should probably go with the traditional paintbrush, however if you are strapped for time[3] you could still use the paintball gun to make these paintings, besides, if it doesn’t come out looking like a Mondrian masterpiece, you can always market it as your own work.

If you actually care about how good your art that looks like nothing looks, then you probably shouldn’t have taken up making art that looks like nothing, however if you are hell-bent on becoming an artist that makes art that looks like nothing, but still want your work to look good, then you can always use a fine-tooth paintbrush[4]. Other than that, you basically have free reign to test anything you want.

Now What

Well, now you can make your masterpieces. You have learned everything that there is to know about art that looks like nothing and its history, you are fully prepared to spend one rainy afternoon just sitting in your garage, shooting a blank canvas with a paintball gun. Honestly it is a great deal of fun, and it will make you a massive amount of money.

Abstract art

Filed under: Art — amerkaj @ 3:04 pm

Abstract art

An example of abstract art or my puke, depending on the viewer.

Abstract art is an artistic movement started by bitter mathematicians that grew jealous of artists because the latter have been more popular with women throughout history. The works themselves are made of shape and colour based codes that can be decrypted using mathematics, usually translating to awkward jokes about impressionism and who Michelangelo slept with.

//

Structure

The Meaning of Five Minus Two (Study No. 3), Polack Pollock, 1960.

At first glance abstract art might lack any kind of logical pattern or recognisable form, but after a closer inspection conducted by someone with knowledge of the mathematics it is even more confusing. The code that is used in the making process is made of twenty-four different stages and several yet unknown trade secrets that have been passed on for generations. All forms of abstract works have to be placed under precise lighting. This can take days or weeks as the instructions are written in a trigonometric variation of regular binary and have to be read backwards.

History of Abstract

Although it cannot be clearly determined when exactly the movement begun, the earliest known practitioner has been said to be Muhammad, a former religious artifacts merchant and a self-pronounced prophet of Juda-Islam, also one of the best friends of Allah. Muhammad himself was not a very good mathematician or painter which made him a ridiculed outcast in both the artistic and scientific communities. He quickly abandoned his former passion and moved to Jabal Old-nun to pursue his new career as a quicksand gardener.

Trophy Room of the Castrating Female, Glacie Meltwater, 1968.

For the first millennium the abstract movement remained mostly in the east following the Pope’s declaration of abstract to be the works of the Devil, who upon being interviewed on the subject claimed to have dyscalculia and no fingers to hold a paintbrush. After the fall of the Roman Empire, following the destruction of Death Star, the abstract movement fallout started to catch wind in the western mathematics, no longer blocked by the roman wind god. One of the most well-known pioneers of the 13th century, Fibonacci, himself stated he had been inspired by the well-known Greek mathematician Aristillus, specifically his painting Borg-cannon which has also been adapted into a film named El Topo.

Several changes have been made to the process of creating abstract art for the last two centuries, like the invention of fractals that caused many old paintings to collapse due to mathematical impossibilities often causing damage to the surroundings and making the air smell purple and rectangular for weeks. Similar and unfortunate accidents briefly outlawed abstract art. The issue was resolved after the royal math division of England developed an art-resistant metal casing for the remaining old paintings.

Since abstract art has been successful in the recent decades it is unknown wether it will continue to be a mathematicians-only movement or evolve into a shared art form, possibly shifting the jokes to be about athletes and Vaseline. One of the current rockstars in abstract, Stephen Hawking, recently published a book accompanied by a series of interviews about the future of the movement, stating that deep space will be the only option after the infamous Red Cross scam failed. This viewpoint is slowly gaining acceptance, but has not yet found the full support of the artistic community. There have been rumours about Muhammad making a comeback, but ever since his run-in with the Persian Gardening Committee in 1856 he has been missing and presumed dead, making the rumours difficult to confirm.

Criticism

The Persistance of Einstein, Dolly Salvador, 1958.

The Abstract Movement has been widely criticised for having double standards, since mocking artists through the medium of art itself contains irony which makes no sense, much like algebra. This comment made most mathematicians angry, leading them to claim that algebra is actually quite simple and easy to explain – unlike modern performance arts. Some critics also claim abstract art is about tax evasion, but rarely go into more detail for legal reasons.

Should you own abstract art?

Here Come the Kilroys, Lick X Steen, 1963.

Displaying abstract art in the home is subject to certain difficulties, not the least of which is determining the orientation of the painting. There are four basic possibilities, and it is suggested you consult a catalogue. The more avant-garde works might require a non-perpendicular orientation if you are to keep with the artist’s intent. Also, some paintings were made to be hung face-to-the-wall as an expression of the painter’s contempt for conventional forms of display. Some paintings are “living art” and are meant to be covered in feces and rotting fruit and left in the sun. Some are intended to be burned in public (performance art), but be careful that the artist did not intend it to be destroyed in complete secrecy.

New laws will likely be pass to ban all other art that art teachers find to be infeanar. If this law is passes then great works of art(which would peices of crap then) would, by law have to be destoyed and launched into schools.

Many people are portesting this movement saying that abstract art is the “crap”, but these poeple are just teenagers, how don’t know anything about art because they make things like the Mona Lisa.

If you purchased an abstract painting as an investment, it may be best to disregard the artist’s intentions entirely. The best thing is to mount it on black velvet in a cheap frame and tell people you bought it in Tijuana.

Aesop’s Fables

Filed under: Books — amerkaj @ 3:01 pm

Aesop’s Fables

Aesop’s Fables are a collection of moral tales by Aesop, who is some old, dead, Greek guy.
These fables use interesting stories, which feature English-speaking animals as the character base, to get across a moral. They were written to be relevant and meaningful to children who could relate to the various stereotypes the animals symbolized. Aesop wrote his stories in this manner because he was inarticulate and couldn’t just get to the point. I had a collection of fables when I was younger, and you know what it taught me? Not a goddamn thing!

Some of Aesop’s Fables

The Tortoise and the Hare

A tortoise and a hare agreed to race. The hare took off at a tremendous pace, but lay down to sleep on the way. The slow but steady tortoise thus emerged victorious.

Moral: Tortoises frequently carry rohypnol. Never leave your drink unattended when tortoises are about.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

All through the summer, the busy ant collected grain for the winter. Meanwhile, the feckless grasshopper did nothing but sing and dance. When winter came, the ant retired to his hole to install storm windows and reorganise his mortgage payments. The grasshopper had died a month earlier when he crashed his Harley into an oncoming semi-trailer during a two week bourbon and cocaine binge. Teenagers still kept pictures of the grasshopper on their walls, years after the ant had died of complications arising from surgery to remove a kidney stone.

Moral: Live fast and die young.

The Boy who Cried Wolf

Once, there was a boy whose job it was to guard the village sheep. Unfortunately, he got a little too ‘attached’ to one of his charges, if you know what I mean. After the Humane Society reported him to the authorities, the cops came to arrest him. Cunningly, the boy cried ‘WOLF!’ very loudly, and then escaped in the ensuing panic.

Moral: Always have a contingency plan; you don’t want to go to prison as a sheep molester, for God’s sake.

The Fox and the Grapes

Once a fox saw some black grapes hanging from a vine. He tried every means at his disposal to get to them, but he could not. ‘The grapes are sour’ he declared, and stomped off indignantly. About a day later, the grape withdrawals really started to take hold, and so ended up having to fellate a grape-pusher in Athens.

Moral: Where are my goddamn grapes! Don’t hold out on me, man!

The Punch Line that could

One day a little boy named Jesus kept on making the same joke again and again. Whenever one of his friends would use a verb in conversation, he would take that verb and insert it into the empty space in his formula joke that was metaphoricaly relevant to his life and was evidently symbolic of somthing. The joke went like this; “Your mother *verb used* the *noun used*” or something of equal stupidity. At first he got a few laughs but overall everyone agreed he was a bit of a fag and nailed him to wooden planks to shut him the fuck up once and for all.

Moral: Your mother is the lord and saviour!

The Scorpion and the Frog

One day a scorpion came to the bank of the river. Unable to cross, he asked a frog for a lift. The frog agreed. Four hours later, the frog deposited the scorpion on the bank.

‘Did we have to go via those rapids?’ asked the scorpion. ‘Wouldn’t it have been quicker just to go straight across?’

‘Nah, mate, this was a shortcut,’ replied the frog. ‘That’ll be $67.50.’

Moral: Cabbies are bastards

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Story unavailable at present time due to impending court case concerning blatant copyright infringment.

Moral: Cheaters never prosper

The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse

A town mouse came to see his cousin in the country, and dined at his house. The country mouse spent the evening angrily denouncing the teaching of evolution in public schools. A month later, the country mouse went to the city to return the visit, and was brutally mugged at an ATM. It was six months before he could leave the hospital.

Moral: There’s many a mickle as makes a muckle.

The Dog and the Ghost

A Ghost took to terrorising the people who lived in the area surrounding an abandoned amusement park. A team of Children and their Dog came to investigate. The Ghost attempted to chase the Children out of his abode while the Dog made a sandwich. The Ghost was caught and the Children removed his mask to reveal his true indentity.

Moral: Never underestimate the tenacity of meddling kids… and their dog, too

The Horse and the Bartender

A horse walked into a bar, so the bartender said ‘Why the long face?’

Moral: Hypocritical speeches are easily seen through.

The Horse and the Bartender, Whom Was Also a Horse

A horse walks into a bar, so the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

Moral: Get the punch line right the first time, douche.

The Horse and the Bartender, Who Was Also a Grammar Nazi

A horse walks into a bar, so the bartender says, “The word “whom” is for direct objects and the verb “to be” takes a predicate nominative in the subjective case, not a direct object.”

Moral: I am a douche.

The Grammar Nazi And The Horse

A horse walks into a bar, so the bartender says, “Sprechen Sie nur Deutsch! Tod zu den Juden! Das Reich steigt vor allen Nationen!”

Moral: You lost the war, go home.

The Lion and the Mouse

Once a lion was awakened from his sleep by a mouse. The lion raised his paw to crush the mouse, but the mouse begged for mercy. ‘If you let me live,’ he said, ‘I will one day repay your kindness.’ The lion scoffed at the idea that a humble mouse could ever help a mighty lion, but nonetheless he let the mouse go. The mouse promptly sued the lion for an estimated five hundred thousand dollars, citing assault and mental anguish. The lion took to the bottle, and died a penniless wino.

Moral: No good deed ever goes unpunished.

The Crow and the Pitcher

Once a thirsty crow landed on the table of a beer garden. He noticed that on the table was a pitcher half filled with cheap American beer. The crow tried and tried to dip its head into the pitcher to get the “beer”, but was unsuccessful. He noticed pebbles lying on the pat, and one by one he carried them to the pitcher and dropped them in. Slowly, the level of the beer began to rise, until, at last, the crow could drink. Unfortunately, he drank so much that he became intoxicated and flew into the windshield of an oncoming bus.

Moral: Crows like cheap beer

no… wait…

Moral: Crows like their drinks “on the rocks”

The Dog and the Hare

Fine Ales. Hot Food and a Selection of Sandwiches. Two Meals for the Price of One. Free Parking. Turn off at junction 12 then turn right past the first set of traffic lights, then turn right again at the church and we’re on the the left opposite IKEA.

Moral: Book now to avoid disappointment.

The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Once a wolf decided to get closer to the flock, so he disguised himself as a sheep. He walked amongst the flock, deceiving sheep and shepherd alike. That night, as he was about to devour one of the sheep, he was repeatedly sexually molested by the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Moral: Even the cleverest of schemes can be ruined by a running gag.

The Bull and the Frogs

Once there were a couple of frogs standing next to a bull. One of the frogs said to the other: “I bet you can’t inflate yourself to become as big as this bull”. The frog felt offended and went to see her psychoanalyst. The next day she returned and answered: “No, I can’t become as big as the bull but I’m OK with that”.

Then the bull trampled on both frogs.

Moral: Bulls don’t give a shit about frogs.

The Ass, the Cock, and the Lion

An ass and a cock where playing around in a straw-yard. Jimmy “the Lion” Badger, the local sheriff, arrested their owners and threw them in prison. Then the centrist judge sentenced them to nine years in a state penitentiary for sodomy.

Moral: NOT IN THIS COUNTRY!

The Tree and the Reed

“Well, little one,” said a Tree to a Reed that was growing at its foot, “why do you not plant your feet deeply in the ground, and raise your head boldly in the air as I do?”

“I am contented with my lot,” said the Reed. “I may not be so grand, but I think I am safer.”

“OMG n00b.” said the tree. Then a Mexican landscaper came and weed-whacked the reed. “¡Adios Señor Flexibilidad!”

Moral: You’re in America now. Speak English.

The Democrat, the Republican, and the High School Student

The high school student would not go two minutes without a poorly thought out George W. Bush joke or reference. After two hours of it the Democrat and the Republican were both sick to death of the high school student’s poorly thought out and generally unfunny quips. So they put aside their differences and beat the holy hell out of the teenager. Then they went back to disagreeing with each other about the current administration, albeit in a much less annoying enviornment.

Moral: If a guy’s not funny, beat him up and laugh at him.

The Two Men in the Round Room

One day a man, thinking himself clever, decided to trick another man. He invited him to a completely round room, and asked him to pee in the corner after he left. A few minutes later when he returned, he found the man had peed all over the walls, the floor, the furniture, and the ceiling. When he asked him what the hell he was doing, he stabbed him, hid his body in the round basement, and fled.

Moral: If you have any information that can help lead to the capture of this man, please call 1-800-AmericasMostWanted

The Hawk, the Kite, and the Pigeons

The pigeons, terrified by the appearance of a Kite (Bird Of Prey with Large Nasty Talons), called upon the HMO Hawk to insure them. He immediately ran a background check on the pigeons and agreed to insure them for a flat rate of $250(US) a month. When they let him into their shelter for a final inspection, they found that he made more havoc and slew more pigeons in one day than the Kite could pounce upon in a whole year.

Moral: Only acquire insurance from a reputable agent. Trust Life. Trust Geico.

The Nurse and the Wolf

The Wolf, still smarting from his encounter with the Boy who cried Wolf, ran to the nearest hospital whereupon he was tended to by an attractive Nurse wearing a PVC outfit with a low neckline. The Wolf’s eyes turned to lovehearts on stalks and his tongue rolled out across the floor. The Nurse turned into a Bunny and gave the Wolf a stick of dynamite. The Wolf’s fur was blown off in the explosion, and a nearby Pig said “Th-Th-Th-That’s All Folks”.

Moral: Believe everything you see in cartoons

The Tax Collector and the Pharisee

The Tax Collector, always eager to collect taxes and such, was hard at work stealing money from the poor. The Pharisee, on the other hand, was content to remain an uprtight self-righteous prick. Eventually, they both died, although the Tax Collector had more money at the time.

Moral: Not everything has a moral, moron

The Greek, the Macedonian and the Persian

A Greek, a Macedonian and a Persian decided to rob the Ephesus Central Bank together. They succeeded and ran away with some 5,000,000 drachmas. The Civilian Guard, however, was soon after them. The three robbers decided to hide in trees. Each climbed up a separate tree. The Civilian Guard was soon under the trees, wondering if there was something up there. The Greek had done some fast thinking and said ‘tweet’. “Ah, it’s just a sparrow” said one of the guards. The Macedonian then said ‘cuckoo, cuckoo’. “Ah, it’s just a cuckoo” said the guards. After this, the Persian shouted: “Moo!”

Moral: The Persians are stupid (apparently Aesop was a bit of a racist)

The Other Greek, Macedonian and Persian

Shortly after the shannanigans of the previous Greek, Macedonian and Persian at the bank, a second trio attempted to reenact the event at the Second Ephesus Central Bank. They escaped with an undisclosed amount of drachmas but were befuddled to find the Civilian Guard after them. Again. However, these robbers decided to hide in an old abandoned shed. As the Civilian Guard stormed around outside the shed, the robbers hid inside old, unused sacks. One of the guards walked into the shed, and noticing the sacks, began to kick at the sacks. The quick witted Greek quickly let out a muffled “Meow Meow”. “Ah, it’s just a cat” the Guard announced. The second Macedonian, not all too original but still sharp, let out a “Woof Woof”. “Ah, it’s just a dog” said the Guard. As he approached the Persian’s sack, the Persian shouted “Potatoes Potatoes!”

Moral: Persians aren’t the sharpest spoons in the shed. Also: since the potato was first introduced to Europe during the 16th century, the Persian shows some monumentally bad thinking when shouting the name of a plant no one knows.

The Rabbi, the Priest, and the flaming visage of Frank Lloyd Wright

Uh…

Moral: Hmmm….

The Geisha, the Monk, and the Jew

A geisha, a monk, and a Jew were out fishing on a lake. The geisha was hungry, so she got out, walked on the water, and went to the nearby sushi bar. Thirty minutes later the monk was feeling horny, so he got out, walked on the water, and went to the nearby gay sex club. Minutes later, the Jew decided to find the others, so he got out, tried to walk on the water, but drowned. The monk turned to the geisha and said “I guess we should have told him where the rocks were.”

Moral: Hitler was right. Also, geisha win at everything!

The Ass, The Cock, and The Bitch

Once upon a time, there was this guy who was an ass. He also was a bitch. And a cock.

Moral: After writing this fable, Aesop realized that he was the ass/cock/bitch that he had talked about in his story. He promptly took out a gun and shot himself.

The Fable Above

Once upon a time, there was an author who was uninspired. The author wanted to take part in the clever genius of his peers in writing short stories with ironic and humorous morals. In the end though, he fell short due to the fact the author was just imitating their peers rather than developing inner creativity. LOLZZz AM I RIT7E GUYZ?!?!?!

Moral: Please read the Beginner’s Guide, and please be funny and not just stupid.

The Grasshopper and the Octopus

All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all of his acorns. And also, he got a race-car.

Moral: Don’t bother being original. Just rip off Futurama.

The Lonely Senator

A senator get’s lonely in Washington DC. So he tried prositutes, and he wasn’t happy, he tried gay sex and he wasn’t happy he then got himself a dog and was happy.

Moral: If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.

The Two Muffins

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin said, “Boy it’s hot in here.” The other muffin said, “Holy crap, a talking muffin!”

Moral: Dude – you need to lay off the brownies.

The Importance of Being Earnest

No, you stupid bastard. That was me'

~ Oscar Wilde on Aesop

The Fox and Apollo… and Mercury

A crow caught in a snare prayed to Apollo to release him, making a vow to offer some frankincense at his shrine. But when rescued from his danger, he spaced on his promise. Shortly afterwards, again caught in a snare, he passed by Apollo and made the same promise to offer frankincense to Mercury. Mercury soon appeared and said to him, “O thou most base fellow? What use could one such as I have for stupid frankincense?”

“Dude,” replied the fox, “I’ve got a great source for weed – only $6 a G!”

“Deal.” answered Mercury.

Moral: Frankincense is a f-ing lame gift.

The Fox and the Crow

A crow had a cheese in the beak. Meanwhile, a fox appeared and thought the cheese was very yummy, but he couldn’t reach it, so he played a dirty trick.

“Oh, magnificient bird, you look so pretty. And your flight aparatus…it’s so gorgeous! Could you come over here please?”

The crow then landed, “pretty” as he was. But then the fox stole the cheese, and ate it. The crow was now very sad

Moral: Don’t give your food to foxes

or

Whoever added this story to this article is a friend of Dorithy

The Hare, the Duck and the Hunter

A hunter was out looking for his nightly meal. He was very, very quiet and soon had both a Hare and a Duck cornered. He was unsure of which to take for his stewpot at home.

The Hare told the hunter it was duck season. The Duck maintained it was rabbit season. The Hunter found himself in quite a quandry.

Meanwhile, a sneaky, slant-eyed Jap with buck-teeth began wringing his hands together and laughing evilly. The Hunter, Hare and Duck put aside their differences and united against their common enemy. Through cleverness, strength and good old-fashioned American know-how, they poked the Jap in the butt with a bayonet.

Moral: Buy War Bonds.

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