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December 12, 2009

Napoleon Bonaparte

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 9:39 am
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Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte upon his noble steed. This image may seem irresponsibly large, but trust me, Napoleon would have wanted it that way.

I knew that guy. Big, tall, intimidating fellow amirite? Teehee!

~ Oscar Wilde on Napoleon Bonaparte

BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW!

~ Napoleon Bonaparte on his favorite song by Judas Priest

I speak three languages: French, English and Russian. To talk with my cold hard bitch, I use French. For diplomatic correspondences, I use English. And while caressing my horses, I use Russian.

~ Napoleon Bonaparte on on Russians

Well at least I wasn't the only idiot who made the mistake of invading Russia.

~ Hitler on Napoleon Bonaparte

We Surrender!

~ Post Napoleanic French on Their New National Motto

Napoleon “Torrez” Bonaparte was an French military officer, King of Italy, Emperor of France, and a tall man who, as the picture here seems to depict, is apparently a motorcycle enthusiast. He rose to prominence after ending the Reign of Terror that followed the French Revolution, and replacing it with his Reign of a Moderate But Tolerable Amount of Fear. He is famous for being the first person in the French military since Charlemagne to not fellate his troops, being vertically challenged, instituting the Napoleonic Code, pwning most of Europe before losing everything to an Englishman who was named after his boots, being vertically challenged, and getting really ticked off whenever some smartass remarked that he didn’t look very much like Jon Heder. Napoleon is regarded by everyone to be the biggest BAMF in history, famous as one of the greatest military strategists for using his new tactic of blowing the crap out of anything that moves. Especially limeys.

Also, he was tall.

//

Childhood

He was born in 1756 on the island of Corsica and again in 1769 on the Island of Lesbos in Greece. His father was Italian and spoke an Argentinian dialect of Latin-Italian language; his mother was Italian, a putanna who spoke Icelandic and Scots Gaelic, therefore Napoleon grew up speaking Platt-Deutsch. As a child, he loved knocking over the creations of stupid Jenga nerds, so he knew he would join the military some day. As a young child his justification for his actions was usually “Because it was funny.” This was also his justification for taking over Europe. He was fond of saying “Der Furz hat keine nase” just before letting go with a SBD fart. He also enjoyed learning Italian customs. Although many assholes noted scholars Americans like to point out that Napoleon is Corsican few point to the fact that he was a potato trapped in a man’s body. Hitler liked dogs, and we say this to point out the fact that you can say something nice about almost anyone. Sadly, this is not true of Napoleon. As a result of Napoleon’s Corsican birth, many of his troops mistook his war cries for an Italian charge and turned to face the war cry’s source, only to realize it is their general. Napoleon has hovered very close to death on countless occasions as a result.

As a child, he prefered to be called Nappy so many of his fellow Corsicans who wanted him to dominate the world called him “baby Nappy” early on. He spent countless hours playing with his GI Joes, usually in the backyard of the crotchety Russian who lived next door. Growing up in a town where most men stood at least 7’0″, Napoleon was teased about his rather modest[1] height of 3’1″. Scholars believe that this teasing — which crushed his dreams of playing professional basketball and made Napoleon excessively self-conscious of his moderate stature — resulted a tendency to overcompensate in all of his personal endeavors. This condition is known as a Napoleon complex,[2] not to be confused with a Neapolitan complex, which is an illogical obsession with mixed-flavor ice creams.[3]

Early career

Of course, Corsica is boring as hell, so Napoleon joined the French Army as soon as he could. He originally wanted to be in the cavalry, but his superiors told him that the Army didn’t use elephants ponies. Unfortunately, Napoleon didn’t realize that they were insulting his height until they were out of the room, so he couldn’t deliver a snappy comeback. He next tried the infantry, which turned out to be a bust as well, as everyone assumed he was a god and wanted to put him in a temple.

That left the artillery. Napoleon took to it immediately. Something about firing those big, long, powerful cannons just made him feel better about himself. Plus, it takes a lot of cajones to insult a man for being tall when he’s aiming a 6-foot-long gun right at your crotch. Thanks to this newfound love of bossing people around, he was soon promoted to Captain of his brigade. Next, he invented several brilliant strategies, including his clever “trying to figure out what the other guy is going to do ahead of time”, the devious “skipping the wine and cheese parties, getting off your lazy butts and fighting the goddamn battle,” “hiding in the bushes and trees and ambushing the enemy with tomohawks and dynamite,” and the most cunning and revolutionary strategy of all, “not surrendering.”

Because of his ingenious tactics, Napoleon rose to the top of the French military.Soon many of the Republic’s elite distrusted him and decided to send him on a mission to defeat the armies of Ancient Egypt. The Pharaoh and his charioteers fought bravely against hopeless odds, but were finally defeated when Napoleon personally used an artillery gun to blast the nose off of the mighty Sphinx. Fearing the Great Pyramids would be next, Pharaoh surrendered and Egypt was libre.

Napoleon’s ascent was helped by the fact that most of the people who outranked him found themselves beheaded during the Reign of Terror the most famus of wich was the assanation of Peppy La Peow. Since rampant fear and paranoia tend to get a little tedious after a while, the members of the French government (the ones who still had their heads, at least) asked Napoleon to use the French Army to restore order, because few things can calm out-of-control political situations like the judicious use of military dictatorship.

When one politician pointed out that Napoleon could use this opportunity to seize power for himself, he was quickly rebuked by his colleagues. After all, it wasn’t like the French people would allow themselves to be represented in world affairs by a giant person, right?

Napoleon was in fact considered to be the meanest general because if you didn’t like what he said he could easily punch you in the tender region below the belt often known as a pussy region for many. Therefore nobody every opposed him.

Getting to sit in the cushy seat

“A throne is only a bench covered with surround sound speakers and a cup-holder untill I make several assprints on it!”

~ Napoleon talking to Tsar Alexander

Well, it turned out that the French people emperors were usually taller and cooler than kings. As the new monarch, Napoleon I was entitled to all. French people didn’t mind Napoleon’s tallness at all, as such details are easy to ignore when that person has all of the guns. Sure enough, in 1804, he got himself crowned Emperor of France, reasoning that of the amenities that came with the position, the most notable being an increased success rate at picking up chicks and getting laid. He had already married Josephine de Beauharnais in 1798, who by all accounts was one of the hottest pieces of ass in France at the time. Granted, she was about a foot taller than he was, but most people were polite enough not to bring that up.

Pwnage of Europe

Napoleon naturally aroused the jealousy of other Europeans by being such a great (but tall) guy in everything, from military to fashion, from politics to cookery. The British eventually grew weary of him, mostly because he was “so bloody French”, as the Duke of Wellington put it. Thus, when Napoleon decided to invade Italy, there was some cause for concern, but everybody figured it was okay because he was already Italian to begin with. However, when he decided he wanted Austria, too, an international coalition gathered to stop him. Unfortunately, they forgot to take into account Napoleon’s madd skillz at Risk™ and Stratego™, and as a result, the Emperor of France got to add most of Western Europe to his ever-growing list of potential sites for his country estate.[8]

A minor stnank

Apparently, the man didn’t know Russia got cold in the winter.

After conquering most of Europe, Napoleon set his sights on Russia to further his goal of making history associate his name with really, really big things.[9] Thus, in the summer of 1812, he gathered the Grande Armée and marched towards Moscow. All went as planned, except for two minor oversights on Napoleon’s part. First, he’d intended for his troops to live off the land during their invasion, but Napoleon quickly found out that Russia was pretty much a barren wasteland.[10] Second, Napoleon’s map of Europe was apparently not drawn to scale, because the journey from Paris to Moscow took a bit longer than expected. Russia, it turned out, was big. Really, vastly, truly huge. Not only did this put a huge strain on supply lines, it meant that the troops were constantly asking “Are we there yet?” Several times Napoleon had to threaten to turn the army around and go straight back to France if they didn’t settle down.

Anyhow, as a result, by the time Napoleon reached the Kremlin’s gates, he had to tangle with the Russian military’s most potent force: General Winter.

Even though Napoleon’s forces numbered 691,501 men[11] while Winter had only -40° C,[12] the battle was surprisingly close. But in the end, Napoleon had to accept defeat, as the vast majority of his army eventually reverted to the pansiness that the French military had been known for in days of yore and started whining and complaining about things getting frozen in the cold, including their wine, their cheese, their baguettes, and their limbs. The wusses. However, Napoleon argued at the time that this was not a retreat from Moscow — the Emperor had merely decided that he’d have more success advancing on Paris. Furthermore, he later claimed that he’d changed his mind about adding Russia to his collection since its all-white color scheme didn’t suit the more festive decor of France, Spain, and Italy.

Arguably, Napoleon’s military career peaked with the invasion of Russia. However, Winter’s military career was just getting started, as the Russian Winter would later go on to display similar brilliance in dealing with the German army in 1941-1942. As a result, many military historians now regard the Russian Winter as the greatest military strategist in history.

Exile

When Napoleon returned to France, the Allied forces (who had been camping on the outskirts of Paris) ambushed him and and forced him to abdicate his throne. They then banished him to the island of Elba, in the Mediterranean Sea, where he wouldn’t be able to bother anyone ever again.

Or rather, he wouldn’t have bothered anyone ever again if Amnesty International hadn’t complained loudly that the excessive boredom of Elba constituted a deprivation of Napoleon’s dignity and was therefore a form of torture that had been outlawed by the Geneva Convention. As a solution, it was suggested that the former monarch be given an infantry unit and a ship to keep himself occupied. Though several parties vocally opposed this measure, claiming that Napoleon would almost certainly abuse these privileges, eventually they gave in, just to get the pinkos to shut up.

Waterloo

Due to British Home Office cock ups, Napoleon was released from Elba accidently and within one hundred days, he’d amassed an army of over 9000 and was back in Paris, governing like nothing had happened. After multiple I-told-you-so’s were exchanged, the Allies, lead by the Duke of Wellington, went off to put Napoleon in his place again.

Here, however, Napoleon met his metaphorical Waterloo when the two armies met at a place called, curiously enough, Waterloo, in Belgium.[13] It was as if, again, history was repeating itself noted several nordic proto-UN peacekeepers.[14] It was a bloody battle, full of carnage and strife, with both sides sustaining massive casualties[15], punctuated by breaks for waffles. However, in the end, Napoleon got his ass handed to him on a platter after Wellington’s tactically brilliant move of yelling “Look behind you! It’s a Russian winter!”.

It was as if, again, history was repeating itself noted several nordic proto-UN peacekeepers.

Exile (again)

The allies exiled Napoleon to Gotham City’s Arkham Asylum, which is an island in the middle of a pond of toxic water (or somewhere in Poland). This time, the whiny liberals were told to STFU and GTFO, and Napoleon didn’t get any military units to play with, not even his leaded plastic army of lesbian aliens, which he so dearly loved to blow up with fireworks or the ones made in Malaysia with the so-called ‘Mercun KLCC’. They didn’t even let him bring his Risk™ board, either, even though nobody plays Risk™ on St. Patrick’s ass. This left him with absolutely nothing to do, except pacing, counting the dots on the ceiling tiles in his bedroom (69,105), and scrimshaw. They also took away his platform shoes, which meant he had to go back to moping about his tallness and also his stupid hat, which make him look like the shorter version of King Neptune which left SpongeBob’s eyes blinded.

Napoleon died with a smile in 1824. Later, traces of laughing gas were found in his retarded lungs, suggesting that he had a last sex moment with The female Joker. Some historians cited this as evidence that Napoleon was murdered by excessive raping by Dolly Parton , and it is much easier to agree with them if you want them to shut the fuck up, because let’s face it, nothing’s worse than a pushy historian like your mother. Other scholars claim that he died of super dick cancer, and that anyone who thinks otherwise has never had to spend a year wearing Laura Bush’s panties. Still other historians point to a large number of stinking socks observed in the area, which could be evidence of a Saudi Arabian winter. However, for what it’s worth, I think it was Col. Sanders in the hot pot with a few chicken feathers which gave him the idea of KFC(Kentucky Fucked Chicks).

Accomplishments

  • Napoleon has chinballitis
  • Napoleon got a cake named after him.
  • Someway, somehow, little children seem to get that three-flavor ice-cream with the crappy strawberry stuck between the chocolate and vanilla that is neopolitan, confused with Napolean.
  • People in Norway still likes his hat.

Footnotes

  1. ↑ When I say “rather modest,” I of course mean “ridiculously puny.”
  2. ↑ And if you need me to tell you how it got that name, you’re hopelessly stupid.
  3. ↑ Of course, being Italian, Napoleon suffered from this as well.
  4. ↑ Or Major, or Sargeant… ah, who cares?
  5. ↑ Actually, he was pretty much ripping off Sun Tzu, but nobody bothered to check because they were distracted by Napoleon’s huge cannon.
  6. ↑ Meanwhile, France’s oldest and most reputable white-flag making company, Le Grande Wuss, were forced to file for bankruptcy.
  7. ↑ They were incompetent aristocrats and lawyers anyway.
  8. ↑ So called because Napoleon wanted his estate to cover an entire country.
  9. ↑ And really, at that point the only thing Russia had going for it was its bigness.
  10. ↑ Also, the only alcohol available was cheap vodka, instead of the more sophisticated champagne that the French troops were used to.
  11. ↑ And several prostitutes — armies were always followed by prostitutes back then.
  12. ↑ There might have been a few Russians there, too.
  13. ↑ What are the odds?
  14. ↑ What are the odds?
  15. ↑ A more detailed account of the battle is recounted in the polemic first edition of the novel Ulysses (also mysteriously called “Waterloo”) specifically a chapter titled ABBA or A Belgian’s Bride Arrives, this was later performed by an anonymous deafmute youth at the Eurovision Benefit for the Curing of the Blind Exposition in 1930.
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