Africa

Did you know…

that Africa is God’s blindspot?

Africa sad.

“The only thing positive about Africa is HIV.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Africa

“No surprise people evolved and moved out!”

~ Charles Darwin on Africa

Africa is not actually a country, but a continent. It is widely agreed to be Earth’s shittiest continent, in more ways than one. For one thing, most of the land is wracked with hunger, poverty, disease, genocide, giant bugs, giant apes and hopelessness. Also, it is caked in feces. Not a pleasant place to be, all things considered. It’s got exotic animals though. Suh-weet!

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History

If colonial Africa had been a plate, it would’ve looked like this. Without the abundant food, of course.

By comparison, if precolonial Africa had been a plate, it would’ve looked like this. With some more fruit, of course.

The continent of Africa was first formed many many moons ago. Exactly how many moons ago is not important unless you’re studying geology, and since you are currently browsing Uncyclopedia, I think it’s safe to rule that one out.

Africa is notable in that it is the original homeland of the human species. Keep in mind that this is the consensus reached by the scientific community only. Fundamentalists for some reason do not like the idea that Adam and Eve were Africans. Charming lot, those fundamentalists.

Back at the dawn of humanity, Africa was a harsh yet beautiful land. The climate was comfortable, the Sahara was a vast grassland, and the animals were not nearly as vicious as they could have been. Gotta look for the silver lining in these things. Africa was also home to the first human civilizations, including the Egyptians and the various tribes of the West Coast. No, not California. Africa. Stay focused. Things aren’t always about America, you know.

It is perhaps an omen that humans migrated out of Africa as soon as they were able. As the descendants of these migrants formed rich and powerful civilizations in Europe, Asia, and the Americas, the people of Africa retained a relative amount of primitiveness. Maybe it was the heat. Heat does make you lethargic, after all.

The African people paid for their technological tardiness when the White Man arrived just after the Middle Ages. Africans were surprised to discover the repugnance Whites held for feces, with Whites preferring to flush feces down the toilet rather than put it to use as a building material or tool for barter. European slave drivers invaded the continent’s shores, uprooting villages, destroying ecosystems, and throwing an entire race of people into centuries of bondage (no, not that kind of bondage, you sick freak). Just think of it as the moment Africa “jumped the shark,” so to speak.

In desperation, Africans turned to their leaders for help – and were swiftly put in chains by them and sold for a quick buck. Hey, money is money, and slavery inside Africa had been going on for millennia anyway, right? Right. Now we shall not speak of this again.

As time progressed, Africa was gradually liberated from the shackles of European oppression, for reasons ranging from British overlords benevolently handing over power as a just reward for exceptional service to the empire, to French dictators tiring of the badonkadonk and choosing to focus instead on children, to German masters stripping the land of all usable resources and, out of boredom, seeing what would happen if they turned loose their uneducated, angry, and sexually promiscuous subjects onto one another with no competent leadership or direction whatsoever — the latter of which eventually progressed into the longest running joke in the history of affluent white people.

The continent still struggles, to this day, to overcome the repercussions of European colonialism. Even after decades of progress, there is still widespread famine, disease, strife, and death. But hey, you can’t blame their corrupt leaders for not trying, right? Right? Well, maybe you can.

Economy

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Nothing?

The money raised during the 1985 fundraiser “USA for Africa” benefited wildlife especially.

“Don't cancel Africa's debts - consolidate them into one affordable monthly payment!”

~ The World Bank on Africa

The African economy is referred to as “fecal-fiscal”. This is because most African nations’ currencies are “worth shit”. Feces has played an important role in African history. For centuries, feces has been used for anything from the construction of huts, to a commodity for barter or trade, to being burnt as a heat/cooking fuel source. In fact, it is also the staple food of the land. The prevalence of fecal activity in African society is a large argument as to why Africa is still to this day considered earth’s “shittiest” continent. Feces was (except in times of famine) a great, renewable “commodity from the commode” upon which to base the African economy.

Summary of some better-known African economic models:

• Saharan Africa: It has, like, two people per square mile. There is no economy. At all. None.
• Egypt: Mainly trinket-based, with a side of thievery and a sprinkling of bombs. By the way, would you like to buy this wonderful artifact stolen directly from an ancient tomb?
• Nigeria: PRINCE AND HEIR APPARENT PRINCE OUBOUGOU AMA IWABE NHYNHUJU WISHES TO GENEROUSLY TRANSFER TO OVERSEAS THE SUM OF ONE HUNDRED TRILLION TRILLION ZIMBWABWEAN DOLLARS (ZUSD. 1 x 10^26)(TRANSLATES TO USD $0.17) FROM AFRICA, INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. PLEASE HELP!
• Congo (Both DRC and RC): Drugs, plus revenue from infecting people with jungle rot and ransoming them for the cure. Also blood diamonds thanks to colonials and posh-speaking Poms. Also, selling videos of the violence to horror film producers.
• East Africa: Safaris. Nothing else matters here.
• Zimbabwe: A 50 trillion zimbabwean dollars economy (translates to USD 21,99). But if you do not count the piracy, this value decreases to 5,50 zimbabwean dollars. Turns out Zimbabwe’s debt is somewhere around 200% of their actual economy…nice try though.
• Somalia: A single $10 bill. Unfortunately it is too crumpled to be accepted by the nation’s thousands of well-stocked vending machines. Recently they have discovered the art of piracy, hoping to add another $10 bill towards the countries rising economy.
• South Africa: Great. Unless you count the AIDS.
• Kenya: The only known exporter of Lions and Tigers. A recent poll revealed that Kenya remains on the map due only to the song.

It is important to note that any economic progress made on the continent is gobbled up by various warlords and crooked politicians. You think you get mad when you hear that millions are spent to build an Alaskan “bridge to nowhere”? In Africa, that same sum is spent daily to ensure that the local warlord’s boots stay clean enough for his thugs to eat off of. That is, if the thugs had food or even boots, of course, which they don’t. All they have is tusks, as, thanks to the efforts of Dr. Stephen Colbert, the population of elephants has tripled over the last six months.

Incidentally, UNICEF has found that all of the food and money donations to Africa so far have been going to this one really fat kid.

Exports

A map depicting an unusually intelligent American’s conception of Africa.

• Out of Africa (movie)
• Asylum seekers
• Email Scams (Mostly Nigeria)
• Drug crime
• Knife crime
• French footballers
• Violent criminals
• Novelty “Zulu tribesman” souvenirs
• Madagascar (the movie)
• Africa (song)
• Braided hair
• Black People
• Ebola
• Malaria
• Feces
• Ivory
• Conflict Diamonds
• Hurricanes
• The cool things about the French Foreign Legion
• AIDS
• Apos’trophes t’hat s’erve no’ purpo’se
• Chests filled with inherited cash
• Dirt
• Crime
• Gang rape
• Slaves
• Orphans
• Hilarious zoophilia videos
• Tarzan
• Parasites
• Bad smells
• All-male athletic teams
• Gruesome news stories
• Hippopotamuses
• The horror… the horror…
• Chris Brown, a hypothetical creature made of genes extracted from the AIDS virus.

Government

What’s that? You don’t agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe’s official policies? You’re trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren’t you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION! WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS! GUARDS, GET ‘EM!!!

Culture

The Ambassador of Hakuna and the State Councilor of Matata travel to the United Nations Conference in Bawin-Baway.

African culture is rich and varied, with a strong oral tradition and a wealth of artistic treasures. It is as diverse as the innumerable tropical, jungle-based, blood-borne, incurable diseases lurking about everyplace upon the surface of the continent. Of course, very few good things in Africa come without a price. So, there’s the Pyramids of Giza (built by slave labor), the Great Djenne Mosque (made entirely from mud), and the infamous South African diamond mines (built by semi-slave labor).

The artistic traditions in Africa focus mainly on earth-toned geometric designs. This is mainly because there is precious little subject matter in Africa fit for painting, drawing, and weaving. If Norman Rockwell lived in Africa, he would be an unhappy man. So would just about anyone.

Africa also enjoys a diverse tapestry of religions. There’s Islam, Radical Islam, Fundamentalist Islam, Conservative Islam, Moderate Islam, Shiite Islam, Sunni Islam, and various tribal beliefs (who in a few years will surely convert to Islam). Ancient Egyptian mythology, while no longer seriously believed in, is still ripe for making bad Mummy sequels. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a “voodoo” religion in Africa. It’s called “hoodoo”, and trust me, you don’t want to piss those people off.

The majority of American youth enjoy Africa’s exotic culture. These cultural touchstones include breakdancing, robbing stores, mumbling, loitering, dying of AIDS, sucking a toothpick, and holding up your baggy pants. The most popular African export is rap music. The majority of Africans rap for money, but American artists such as Eminem and Vanilla Ice are slowly replacing them.

Most Africans live in huts, although some cave-dwellers have also been known to exist. Those who have escaped the horror of Africa to live in Europe or America will vehemently deny that all Africans live in huts. However, this is just a ruse to try to get you to think better of them. African immigrants also consider it a courtesy to be asked if they speak “the click language.” Also, all African students ride some form of wild animal to school. Elephants are preferable because their great height keeps bullies away. Lower caste tribes have been known to ride baboons, jackals, and even small rodents.

In contrast to the rest of their culture, their language is not varied. They only have one language, Afrikaans, which only has clicky things and no other letters.

Geography

A map depicting a more typical American’s conception of Africa.

Africa is, in fact, incontinent — erm, a continent — but pseudo-Texans like George W Bush think it’s a country. To the average American, Africa has only four countries: Egypt, Morocco, South Africa and The Lion King. And if you have an email account, perhaps Nigeria. A movie nut? Madagascar and Kenya, and maybe Zimbabwe. But that’s pushing it. Of course, Americans also think that all Africans are tribesmen who live in grass huts, which actually isn’t too far from the truth.

Don’t get me wrong, Africa does have its share of cities. It’s just that they’re filled with slums, crime, feces and barbed wire. Cairo, Mombasa, Johannesburg, Nairobi, Lagos… sure, they put on a friendly face for the tourists, but get past that cheerful, sunny exterior and you find a cesspool of human failure, strife, and misery. But hey, they’ve got monkeys!

Off the east coast of Africa lies the island of Madagascar. Don’t let the movie fool you. This is not a carefree paradise full of friendly and eccentric lemurs. Well, the lemurs are true, but they’re not friendly. Neither are the insects, nor the flesh-eating diseases they carry. Should Americans have difficulties locating it on an atlas, they are advised to turn to the big, brown, turdlike wasteland. That is, of course, if they own an atlas, or if they know what an atlas is.

Like islands you’ve never heard of? Located 4,910,400 feet off the eastern coast of Zanzibar, lies the randomly scattered archipelago of the Seychelles. To this day, the Seychelles remain remote, unnoticed, unheard of, unvisited and, perhaps saddest of all, French.

Still lost? Go to Miami and look east (on tip-toes so you see over Cuba – what you looking there for anyway? (You know it’s banned!). See that big lump? That’s Africa, and Madagascar is on the far side. You can step down, now.

Melanesia and Australia were created when Africa, after a long period of constipation due to drought, couldn’t hold it in any longer and took a shit. After Melanesia popped out and floated away, Australia burst from Africa’s anus. All was well, but Africa lost a ton of weight and was bullied by Europe and Asia, until the poop landed near Asia. Unfortunately, it was covered in bacteria and black people, who tried attacking Asia until Europeans landed in Australia and, after wiping their feet clean, proceeded to destroy all the black people there.

Scroll

There is a small and remote chance, though not proven in any way, that the god Odin redundantly created the known universe using vi. The story that tells the story was found on a scroll in central Africa.

Pro and Cons

Before travelling to Africa, one should carefully weigh the pro and cons of the trip. Consider this:

PRO: It’s nice and sunny most of the time, and they’ve got monkeys!

CONS: Widespread famine Lacks fresh salmon Eventually… Armageddon Rampant crime Dirt and grime E-mail scams Traffic jams Broken dams Spy cams Poisoned hams Robert Mugabe The Congo army Hopeless poverty No real sovereignty Worthless money Killer bee honey Runny shits Sweaty pits Spiders big as fists “Gorillas in the Mist” Shag carpets Black markets Broken baskets Flimsy caskets Unpaid debts Clammy sweats Desperate migrations The world’s poorest nations Canceled flights Bug bites Itchy mites Faulty lights Freezing nights Parasites Dust mites Lost kites [Monsoon|Torrential rains]] Backed-up drains Tardy trains Hideous stains Rebel fleets Gangster streets Sweltering heat “Bushmeat” Dehydration Desertification Hyperinflation A lost generation Political corruption Commercial interruption Genocide Ecocide Homicide Regicide Toxic water Getting hotter Kidnapped daughters Village slaughters Bad smells Hells Bells Bomb shells Prison cells Hostile scouts Broken routes Drought Gout Malaria Hysteria Extremist sharia Disaster area Tuberculosis Mononucleosis Halitosis Acidosis Atrocities Bureaucracies Entrenched kleptocracies Radical theocracies Weapons caches Airplane crashes Ethnic clashes Itchy rashes Straw huts Mangy mutts Infected cuts Rapacious sluts Dead People Poor people Black people White people Unburied dead Rivers run red Decapitated head Roaches in your bed Somali “government” Female torment Drugs Thugs Bugs Slugs Rip-off rugs, sold to mugs Tour buses with faulty brakes Embarrassing tour guide mistakes Stagnant lakes Antique fakes Poison snakes Huge headaches Toothaches Back aches Stomachaches Earthquakes Amputees Killer bees Wild disease Stolen keys Mean monkeys (called gorillas) Mean humans (called guerrillas) Anguished moans Broken phones Voodoo crones Piles of bones Yellow fever Jungle fever Cabin fever Disco fever Rickety roads Poison toads Immoral goads Your bus explodes Abused women Rotten lemon Abused children Lots o’ killin’ Abused men Atrocities again Apes Rapes Apes that rape Rape of apes Porous drapes Poisonous grapes Biohazard warning tape Homicidal dudes escape Botulism Barbarism Feminism Communism Creationism Socialism Cynicism Terrorism Fatalism Dictatorship Drug Ship Gunship Hardship Meth Death Warring tribes Shameless bribes Thieving maids High top fades Super AIDS Army raids Stagnant glades Razor blades Woven braids Frag grenades Stupidity Malignancy Homosexuality Teen Pregnancy Also, did I mention the AIDS?

Plus, the monkeys all have rabies. (And of course AIDS)

Conclusion

Africa sucks. Even fucking Cambodia comes off looking better by comparison. After reading about this dank shit-hole, it’s normal to feel depressed. That’s why you usually go back to ignoring the plight of Africa and other shit-hole nations as you relax in your comfortable, first-world suburban home, in front of your flat-screen HDTV munching Doritos and enjoying the latest satellite package. You make me sick.