Writer's Caffe

December 10, 2009


Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:52 am
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Image:JockDance.gif WARNING
This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt,
drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly.
Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk.
Panasonic, or is it Alba?
Democratic Republic of Jockland
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: “Dinniae fuck wi’ me, by ‘i wi”
Anthem: Get Tae Buggery
A map of Scotland from the cutting edge cartography department at Glasgow University
Capital Edinburgh
Largest city Loch Ness
Official languages Gaelic, Jockanese
Government Media Backed Socialist European Satellite State
Emperor Alex Salmond
National Hero(es) William Wallace
of Independence
Not Yet
Currency Empty Irn Bru Bottles, haggis
Religion Prdestant, Sodomy
Major imports Booze, Frozen Food, Drugs, Polish Immigrants
Opening hours None (Signed on)

The whole world looks to Scotland to see where civilization is going…and is deeply troubled

~ Voltaire on Scotland

Scotland (Gaelic:Scoffamarrsbar) is to England (aka Britain) what Canada is to the US, only with fewer moose and bears, It is also as the appendix is to the human body – not strictly necessary but can get inflamed, causing severe irritation, Indeed despite the Scots being the founder member of the Federation of Nations that hate Britain it harbours no hatred for Those Morris dancing sassenach bastards England. Scotland is also famous for its marvelous weather and unrivaled sporting domination of such events as Shinty and Haggis throwing plus its infamous red haired population, previously thought to be caused by genetics but has recently been discovered to be the side effects of drinking excessive amounts of Irn Bru


Historical Political & Existential Situation

Historically, Scotland bore the brunt of several Empires including the Swedish, Roman and English Empires respectively trying to wipe oot the backward n infamously angry inhabitants. For each empire this has turned intae a Vietnam situation as Scotland more or less developed guerrilla fighting n ethical Nihilism in these dark years. Walls were even erected tae keep oot the ‘Blue Genital Aliens’. Rape tactics were also employed tae genetically wipe the Scots oot. Unfortunately fur the invaders the Scots took these ideas on board and have launched programs to breed oot the planet; this is why most people can trace Scottish ancestry (this is also how Edinbugs ur so fuckin’ inbred).

More recently in history more attempts were made to wipe out these surprisingly resourceful people economically, Marge Twatcher used Poll Taxes and stipends to try and starve off this ‘wart on top of England’ as she put it, but this failed as well. The economic decline throughout the eighties gave birth to the “Scottish Hobos” (Trademark) and all Europe were swarmed by the alcoholic inhabitants.

Currently further issues have ensued with Salmond the Hutt being elected as First Minister (Not ‘Prime Minister’ as this would sound too English), his Manifesto threatens England with its main policy of “Pissing off Westminster”. The political policy has the newly elected Scottish National Party (SNP) ignoring the largely underdeveloped north which is now more populated by English than Scots; this is coupled with the desperate urban decay of the larger cities of Glasgow and Edinburgh and time will tell if these cities can be brought back from dissolution as well as the rest of Scotland.

It has been declared by Salmond the Hutt that when he has ‘liberated’ Scotland he will sell it to Norway at a knockdown price, and he hopes that the Norwegians will be able to turn around the failed state.

Further developments have been made to upgrade the Culture selling as much as possible out to America renewing and interest in this Country and one can tell little difference between stereotypes if you’re rich, however the underlying poverty and closet sheep buggery tell of a place far more backward than Eastern Europe.

Westminster has vowed to civilize the place, Gordon Brown the Scottish Prime minister of England has declared “Britain shall not withdraw from Scotland until a firm Democratic Government has been formed.” He also declared that England would never be free from British rule too, so he was being quite fair.

In a religious sense Scotland has been a moot point with most religious needs being satisfied by Buggery (Arse is the Altar) particularly of Sheep and poor Scottish women who have to put up with the generously endowed Scots humping them up the crapper. The Catholic Church is one such Institution along with Empires and Economists that have tried to civilize Scotland, they have failed and many feel Islam to be the answer but John Smeaton has driven the Muslims out. This leaves Buddhism as the only religion not to be ousted, so no hopes there.

God himself has spoken out saying “Scotland was a bloody terrible idea” and pointed out that Scots had invented many things of fuckin’ significant use to the world all of them alcohol based. The fact that God was hammered on Whisky was not mentioned. God has now declared that the ‘Lords of Salem’ are the only hope of eradicating this backward and altogether Heathen People.


When not busy hating all foreigners, particularly the Scottish, the average Scot can be found wandering about fields and pubs searching for more treasure to add to their medieval bank vaults. Scotland is famous for exporting many wares/foods which will inevitably destroy your body. Examples of these deadly fetishes are; any possible object being dipped into a deep fat fryer(Examples include Mars Bars and Pizzas), Irn-Bru, Scotch Eggs, Haggis, Sheep, and Rob Schneider. They also export Scotch Tape, Scotch whisky, butterscotch, and hopscotch. Scotland rarely imports goods, but on the occasion that it does it can import goods/wares such as; Electricity, Hills, Tourists, and The Royal Family (German Upstarts). Scotland also had a thriving beer and wine industry but due to the high alchohal content, was deemed hazardous and shut down as a threat to public health. The remaining beers and wines in Scotland are put towards thinning paint and processing nuclear grade plutonium. As is well known, there is no running water in Scotland, but genetic adaptation has allowed the Scots to survive solely on the artificially occurring acidity regulator, known as ‘Irn-Bru’.


Scotland’s head-and-shoulders shot from its entry on the Adult Friend Finder website

Scotland is not currently allied with anyone although they do go out drinking and having a good time whilst watching the football (soccer for the W/Yanks) and rugby with Ireland on occasion. Generally speaking, Scotland and Ireland are chums in all things Gaelic and teuchter, both having mastered the art of supplying holidays ideal for fat Americanos. Just think of sectarianism in Glasgow as a lovers’ tiff between a married couple, or a light-hearted joke that got out of hand. Although prone to the odd bit of unwelcome sectarian chanting (and the odd chibbing), in general the peaceful folk of this quaint place leave all the real hooliganism to their bastardly neighbour England. Along with Wales, the three countries were close friends during their high school years, often being given a swirlie (full of fucking oil) by England during study periods; however they lost touch after graduation. They used to get on quite well with France, but the relationship cooled after Scotland got drunk and suggested a threesome with Norway. This proposition was referred to by historians of the time as the Bald Alliance, because it was at this time that Norway’s hair began to come out in clumps.

Though officially insisting that the decision had been mutual, after the split from France, Scotland is widely thought to have let itself go. It put on weight, took up Protestantism, and began importing even more alcopops than before, tripling what was already a world record. Scotland, the country, is not officially at war with any country, the City of Glasgow and the City of Edinburgh have been at war ever since the latter collided with the former. Huge numbers of casualties have resulted on both sides, and both cities are pale shadows of their former selves.

Mostly though Scotland does not really bother about alliances, we have unspeakable social problems, although we tend to side with whoever is against England or “tha Inglish bastards”. We have strong Economic ties with America and it is hoped they will revitalize our backward economy with their exchange students.

National Character

Typical Sco’ish people. Later in the day, knives are also worn.

The Cat, favorite pet of Scots.

Now it’s my time to shine with these people (the English} whom technically I hate and look down on, yet I so crave their approval and validation The Scottish ”

~ Gordon Brown on becoming Dictator of England

Typically Scottish people are characterized by high achieving muscle-bound anti-social bastards, the reason for their success is not only the substantial pay off from England to stave off independence but also the motivation of the Scots which is hate and resentment, this drives them not only success at home and abroad but to a deep contempt for their fellow man. The national motto of Scotland is, in Latin, “Nemo me impune lacessit” or the Gaelic “Cha togar m’ fhearg gun dìoladh”, which translate roughly to “Yeh fuck with the bull, yee get the hoorns”.

The Scots are a strange and rather annoying people who have so little understanding of the concept of freedom that they confuse it with nationalism, or sovereignty. This misunderstanding has caused much trouble for those who attempt to co-exist with their ethnic descendants, the real Americans (wait a second, why isn’t this on Wikipedia?).

Many subscribe to the idea that the Scots hate the English, in truth the Scots hate each other far more than any foreigners.

Another thing that will strike the visitor to our waterlogged land is the tendency for Scots either to be euphoric, angry or wholly disengaged from reality (Leonidas); whether this is the ‘Illness of Scotland’ (see Below) or the concentration of insanity in the genes leaves many scientists baffled, similarly the high achievement is also baffling since the population is mostly illiterate and has low concentration span due to the terrible diets the Scots have.

The English want ultimately to be like the Scottish, the Scots however openly display hate for the English and the further north the more prevalent it is to find that to be called English or “Inglish” is an insult in itself. Of course the term “Inglish” should not be confused with “Inglis”, a Lowland Scottish term for themselves and language (barmy isn’t it?). Even the Cornish try to be like the Scots, but we hate them and we’ll only abide the sight of them when we want tin.

For all those puny races who want to be like the Scottish, they never live up to the peculiar mixture of terrifying anger and humour that characterize this people addicted to having chips on their shoulders and having the kind of misanthropy that usually is found amongst the Germans.

We also see a worship of strange garments that seem like deep seated traditions like Kilts (Skirts) being worn among the men folk, this fills the world with envy for some reason as they are dreadfully uncomfortable, why the English don the outfit at weddings is somewhat tacky, as they are chiefly responsible for trying to ethnically cleanse the Scots or atleast the bad dress – dress being a key word – sense of the Scots.

Culture and Philosophies

The First Minister, Salmond The Hutt, examines his countrymen and future appetizers.

Scottish culture mostly consists of hitting each other with different types of sticks, and getting drunk enough to sing their crappy songs. In order to do this they have developed ‘whisky’ a cross between Irn Bru and Heroine. Scottish Philisophy is mostly developed in pubs, unfortunately because of this, not many of the deep insights developed by these great minds outlast the hangover.

Musical Heritage

Scottish music mostly consists of jumping up and down while shouting,so it’s pretty much the same as everywhere else. Some scottish classics include include, ‘Oh Danny boy, why’d ya drop the soap?’ and ‘Jump for you lassies, he’s hung like a claymore’. It’s best enjoyed while drunk, in fact, according to modern research, it’s Only enjoyed while drunk. Many cats were harmed in the making of this culture.


Conjectured routes for population of Europe by Scottish tramps within three weeks of the nation’s establishment. (inset: worldwide four days later)

Currently Scotland has two religious groups that are known and originate in Glasgow – one is Celtic and one is Rangers; there is a Protestant or Catholic sense to the Football. Basically if you’re Catholic/Celtic and a girl it means that you will satisfy the Scotsman’s need to bugger (See Anal Sex); if on the other hand if you’re a Protestant/Rangers girl you try not to allow this need of sodomy to ever be spoken about. The clergy on both sides however, like the entire country, is dedicated to sodomy and thus a culture of defeat against the Scotsman’s need to bugger is created. I speak frankly of the matter because if you’re some foxy antipodean chick you need to know the truth about us and the religious needs of Scotland.

The other signs of religion you will find are that it provides the basis for Scots to wound, kill or severely injure each other. It also allows for sectarianism which means mindless intimidation of each other. Many submit that the reason why Scotland is such a small place was not the ethnic cleansing or potato famine but the sheer hatred for one another that has led to such a backward and unfortunate present day Scotland.

In many if not all ways, religion binds the nation together with its need to bugger and fight and also to drink, which is validated every Sunday at church where wine is served in yard goblets in Scotland so the Parishioners can get plastered off their faces even on Sunday.

There’re are also other religions in tiny percentages like Islam or ponce religions like Mormonism and Buddhism; members of these religions frequently complain about issues like the right to conceal oneself with towels, or even several Kippahs stuck together. The SNP under Visconti usually panders to these as it makes them look ‘Multi-cultural’ and ‘Open’. This is in no way indicative of the Scots, who are racist by nature, even against their own country.

Scottish Sporting Achievements

And I have to close my eyes

~ Morrissey on Scottish Sports

As a rule Scotland does not succeed in sporting events, as other countries don’t allow the “head butt” or “Hit and Run” tactics that embody Scottish strategy on all matters. There may come a day when the odd fluke is not the only victory – until that day we Scottish hang our heads in a deep shame. Most Scottish people support Manchester Utd. as an act of medieval fealty . Hell, even the Kenyans do it.

Scottish military

It’s simply effing fantastic that we can send those effing Weegies to kick the effing crap out of those effing ragheads!

~ The Queen on the Royal Scots Guards

Currently Scotland has withdrawn its military from active duty of defending Scotland since the English have told them not to. However many of the fine psychopathic Scots ironically fight for the English like the Ghurkas in Nepal or the child soldiers in Africa. The Tartan Army is the main branch of the Scottish army; ever increasing funds go to hiring recruits, usually selected at age five and trained up to high “Scottish” standards.

It has been announced that whilst Gordon Brown has moved English and mutant forces into the “Overlook” position at their bases as he has sent the Scots to “set aboot” the Foreigners to continue the war of terror.

The illness of ‘Scotland’

Typical symptoms of paranoia from Scotland conditions

The illness of Scotland is something that any visitor will begin to feel after spending any time here – conditions such as a debilitating sense of despair and a fear of the outside world or a general sense of paranoia are symptoms; you may also find Chips on your Shoulders. Skin ailments and asthma from the heavily polluted air may occur, and you may also find that you feel the need to shout at people or become a member of an obscure cult like the Wicca cult in that shite seventies documentary on Shetland. If you suffer from one or many of these symptoms it is a sign that you’re suffering from Scotland; Booze is the prescription cure for the condition – repeat as necessary.

The native folk drink vast quantities of Irn Bru to keep them from committing suicide. It is not recommended that newcomers try this as years of physical abuse defend the Scots from feeling the effects of Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars Bars and Pizzas. Should you be a ‘plus size’ American I would still caution against this difficult regime of physical abuse through diet and lifestyle; should you be Polish, I invite you to try it and see if the communist in you can survive it and live to tell the tale – probably not, but that’s not all bad.

Glasgow Women suffering from Scotland

There is also the symptom of Oompah Loompahism in females; a gross physical condition that affects the Scots women – orange skin and heavily died hair and a harsh masculine look. One would think that these terrible mutations are Chavs/Neds affected by Irn Bru and awful home conditions, however they often display a great deal of intelligence and some degree of understanding of the world so rare in Scotland. This symptom of the illness of Scotland primarily affects third generation ‘Pure Native’ Scots and is incurable unless from a responsible woman beater (Scotsman) who can reverse this terrible symptom of Scotland.

Tony Visconti has made his girl group Girls Aloud copy this strange condition to boost Scotland’s fame, yet even these rough lassies cannot emulate the grotesque look that these unfortunate ‘women’ suffer from.

Geology and Natural history

Geology of Scotland within the British Isles before they collided with Ireland.

According to the English and hence the British Geological Survey based down in England with a little office in Edinburgh, the whole of Scotland is composed of a hard acidic, intrusive sedimentary rock called Stornoway. Everything is the same except from Aberdeen where the granite is a silvery colour, Peterhead where it’s pink and Fort William where it’s olive green. Geologists think that Scotland has some of the world’s oldest rocks, these being the Lewisian originating from Na h-Eileanan Siar where everything is old, even the youngest people. This effectively means that everywhere in the world is made of Scotland. Despite this BGS propaganda, the geology of Scotland appears highly complicated due to numerous geologists going mental with their coloured pencils and making it look structurally complex. If you go to Northwest Scotland for example, you may find Gneiss, a rock geologists named because that’s what it looks like; nice. Unlike granite, the gneiss appears all stripy and no matter what geologists try and brainwash you into, they are really still granites, just stripy and multicoloured due to numerous years of primary school art projects over the years. This is because every village in this part of the world has a school, even if only two children live there.

As far as countries go, Scotland has traveled the faarthest. Formerly the W of Gondwanaland, it traveled from the South Pole, across the equator, past the tropics before taking a wrong turn at the Iapetus, allowing Baltica to collide into it to form England. This therefore makes Scotland older than England and far superior. Nowadays, Scotland is beginning to drift slowly northwards. Some debate that this is due to Continental Drift whereas others are firm believers that the SNP is somehow behind this.

The islands of Scotland are much younger than the granite mainland, mainly due to a period of volcanic activity in the Tertiary. During these events when volcanoes were widespread, early settlers were forced to build islands such as Canna and Uist to escape the deadly molten lava using different rocks from around the world that weren’t under lava or water. This makes for interesting geological mapping of this region. These volcanoes are now extinct from the exception of Arthur’s Seat in Edinburgh and Ben Nevis.

Did you know…
Scots invented geology in 1876 with the phrase “Oi Jock, see this granite min? Ye no think the equigranular texture o’ this een is slightly different to the porphyritic texture o’ that een?

Scottish Flora and Fauna

Scotland has many well known types of wildlife which are below and also a variety of orange birds and emos, which may also be orange; possibly one may even see the rare 40 year old Goth near extinction in Scotland:

Drug Addicts

This is by far the most prevalent animal in Scotland. They prowl endlessly, barking in the streets and are accused of draining Scotland’s economy. Alex Salmond has requested Parliament authorise a cull of these creatures, however Europe (typical) has not allowed the motion. The over-breeding of these creatures is no doubt the cause of much of the urban decay throughout Scotland.

A Scottish Public Toilet

Alcoholics and Hobos are also of the same Genus, however they tend to look better and are largely unable to talk or communicate with others, The Drug Addict of Scotland, on the other hand, has been to a fine Scottish University and is able to communicate between fixes and possibly during fixes, although no conclusive study has been made as the research students fled when the screaming/barking started.

Their main hideouts include toilets and generally the street where deals can proceed openly, as the Police are usually arresting 10 year olds for possession of knives and, more often than not, pump action shotguns.

Tony Visconti says the casualties are acceptable as there’s plenty of money going into other things like Haggis factories and English run Whisky factories; therefore no need to square up to the junkies and dealers, after all “they keep the economy afloat”

The Loch Ness Monster

The inconclusive photographic evidence that persuaded the world.

Common to the lochs of Scotland for many years has been the Nessie or Loch Ness Monster, a shy and retiring creature which only comes into public a few times a year when the smell of American Dollars is carried on the wind from tourist resorts. The monster eats only American Dollars and Euros, although it is also pleased to accept most major credit cards. Frequent visitors to Scotland can elect to feed the monster by Direct Debit, and make savings of up to £14 (pounds) a year.

Prior to its flotation on the stock market, the monster was for many years mistaken for the towering mobile eye of a Martian War Machine, and caused the regular evacuation of villages — not to mention a number of unintelligible and threatening phone calls to Hollywood star Gene Barry.

Eventually the local council was given a briefing as to the difference between Fantasy and Reality. An ancient exploitate cynica capitale ritual followed in which the Scots pledged themselves to guard and exploit the monster for as much as it was worth, for the rest of their natural lives. It is estimated that the monster’s annual contribution to the Scottish economy is equivalent to the sale of forty million tartan dollies in plastic tubes.

However, Scottish Bag-of-Spanners Susan Boyle tells a very different story!!


The naional foods of Scotland are the sausage and the bagpipe. Haggis is a sausage cooked in a bagpipe. Haggis is named for the animal from whence it comes; a small furred mammal called the Wild Haggis, with two legs shorter than the other to allow for running in circles around the hills on which they live. Haggis is rarely eaten outside Scotland because it contains a powerful cocktail of neurotoxins, hallucinogens and aphrodisiacs that only those of Scottish descent could hope to survive.


Typical Stalker on Byers Road, Glasgow, the ‘Nice part of Town’

This creature is usually found amongst “Middle Class” Scots who have reverted into strange existentially obsessed hobos, they prowl the streets trying to resurrect God and find more booze, often they are found in one of the many fine drinking establishments in Scotland reading a quality broadsheet (the Guardian) or bizarrely living on the streets as if they are beggars but are in fact from reasonably good homes.

Stalkers comprise a large chunk of the Scottish population and can be seen throughout Scotland with that lost dog look on their faces and a request for twenty pence. Stalkers can often be spotted by a vigilant wildlife spotter heading for the ‘Zone’, also called the off license in other places or can be seen raising money to go visit the “Zone” selling the Big Issue.

Many submit to the idea that the Stalkers are spies from outer space who need questionable illegal substances to breathe or that they are the next phase in evolution or mutations to an inferior species of humanity, or even that they are a lame stereotype from a lame seventies Sci Fi film; the future will tell what these Stalkers are on the Planet for, if anything.

White Settlers

Typical ‘White Settlers’

A new and diverse type of people are coming to Scotland claiming to feel the ‘Celt in them’ and are coming up to the Highlands to enjoy the life sapping weather and mind numbing boredom that characterise the region. I speak of course of the English, who having over-bred and ruined their country seek to come up to Scotland and recreate the hell they came from.

They plant their pathetic seeds and hope something will grow and idly make light of the weather knowing that they will ultimately have to return to their own ruined land or similar events of The Shining will surely occur in the wilderness that is the Highlands. The English go stir crazy up there without the mind suppressants and Prozac contained in Irn Bru. Usually, these White Settlers rent out their ‘renovated’ homes after six months at exorbitant prices to disenfranchised locals.

Alex Salmond has encouraged this as he hopes that the economy will benefit from the ‘development of the region by screwing the English for their money’.

Places in Scotland

It’s amazing how many cuntish places there are in such a sparsely populated and illiterate country

~ Oscar Wilde on Places in Scotland

1 Comment »

  1. Never have I read such a finely informed piece of research. This must stand as the definitive guide to Scotland. Bravo, or should I say “Fuckin’ yae”

    Comment by galinoz — December 11, 2009 @ 12:27 pm | Reply

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