Writer's Caffe

December 10, 2009

Kosovo

Filed under: Countries & States — amerkaj @ 8:58 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Kosovo

Serb-Albanian-European-American-NATO Republic of Kosovo

Map of Kosovo
motto “In America We Trust”
How to get there Why would you want to?
Largest city Prishtinë (English: Slum)
Official languages Albanian, Serbian, American
President George W. Bush
Area About 2,000,000 square km (Albanian figure)
0 (Serb figure)
Who cares? (American figure)
Population ?
Declaration of Independence 1991
2nd Declaration of Independence 1999
3rd Declaration of Independence 2008
National Hero George W. Bush
Religion rare pro-American Islam 98%, Jew

Yes, I'd say creating this state could be considered a political blunder.

~ Captain obvious

I think Kosovo is looking forward to a great future, just like all my other plans.

~ George Dubya Bush

Kosovo (not to be confused with humanity) is the 53rd state of the USA, which is located in the Balkans. It is home to a large amount of goats and people

//

Geography

The Kosovar people do not actually know the map of their country, hence why they put it on their flag. It is recommended you carry a Kosovo flag with you if you ever visit, because it’s the most accurate guide to the country you will ever get. It is also recommended you then carry this flag to Belgrade.

History

First there were Illyrians and Dardanians (ancient Albanians).
Then they were attacked by Slavs who were immigrating from Siberia and the Urals. These were heavily criticized in the region’s ancient version of the Daily Mail.
Then the Serbs lost their entire army at Kosovo to the Ottomans, who would rule the area for 500 years. The Serbs celebrate this as a national holiday (15th June, St. Vitus’ Day).
The Serbs have always had a claim to the Kosovo region. However, apart from assorted military personnel, there have always been very few Serbs in Kosovo, so their claims defy known logic.

People of Kosovo

Albanians and Serbs. Shit happens. ‘Nuff said.

Economy

Until recently, Kosovo had a thriving economy, which it even managed to maintain after independence. However, their economy plunged into crisis recently as their donkey died.

Traditions

Official Logo of G-Land gettin’ high Fest

Wedding ceremonies consist of downing a few bottles of strong rakia and then driving to the nearest large city (eg Rome or Milan, the Balkans has no cities that anyone gives a shit about). This is so people know they are happy. And drunk.

When a Kosovar Albanian boy is 16, he is initiated into the cult nation. This is done by removing the testicles of a goat and force feeding them to a Serbian girl. This is a sign of something, but no one quite knows what, they just know that they find it funny for some reason. A Greek can also be substituted if Serbs are not available. A custom for younger children is to burn as many Serbs as possible.

Main Events

No major sporting events can be held in Kosovo, because the country is closed once a week for cleaning.

Entertainment

WEED, and lots of it. A commok Kosovar proverb is that “weed makes everything better”. Kosovar children generally get their first weed at the age of 1, however some are already used to it as pregnant Kosovar women smoke it as a childbirth aid.

Sports

Kosovo vs. the Netherlands

Kosovar sports are not any different than European ones, except that local rules state that any sports event cannot begin unless more than half of the players are drunk, high or both. This makes ice hockey and NASCAR particularly interesting. However, this means that the Kosovo FA have been refused admission to FIFA, and Formula 1 refuse to consider Kosovo for a race.

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1 Comment »

  1. Another Kosovar proverb; When you’re in a hole, keep digging

    Comment by mingimper — December 11, 2009 @ 4:03 am | Reply


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