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December 9, 2009

Seven Deadly Sins

Filed under: Religion — amerkaj @ 8:24 am


Seven Deadly Sins

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One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Seven Deadly Sins! Ha ha ha ha! (Thunder!)

~ Count Dracula on Seven Sins

I didn't do that

~ Kevin Spacey in Se7en

The Seven Deadly Sins, also known as the Capital Vices (Not to be confused with the word VICE) or Cardinal Sins (Not to be confused with the high-ranking catholic priest who molested your little brother), is a classification of the most objectionable vices (Not to be confused with the device for your toothpaste) which has been used since early Christian times to educate and instruct followers concerning (morality) fallen man’s tendency to sin.

The Catholic Church divided sin into two principal categories: (1) “whatever”, which are relatively minor, and no one cares about, and the more severe “Capital” or Mortal sins (Not to be confused with Mortal Kombat). Mortal sins destroyed the life of grace (You bastards! I LOVE her! You killed my imaginary girlfriend, you shitholes!), and created the threat of eternal damnation unless either absolved through the sacrament of Confession, or forgiven through perfect something something something on the part of the penitent, something something bla bla bla bla, yadda yadda.

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List of Sins

The specifications of the sins themselves evolved in time, in accordance to the prevalent teachings of the church and the moral standards of the people at the time.

Original List of Sins

This is the original list of sins, as given by God through a revelation to the first Pope.

  1. Voting Independant, since if you vote that way you are throwing away your vote.
  2. Misspelling key words of a political cause. Such heathens are already partially punished by God by damaging their brain. The punishment for this is to become George W Bush’ cabinet member in his third term in HELL!
  3. Kitten huffing. This should be self-explanatory. The punishment for this in hell is being raped by rabid kittens with AIDS.
  4. Internet downloading*. Despite RIAA’s wishes, you should not download music off the Internet. Unless you enjoy slaving away for eternity. Your hell punishment will involve you being forced to listen to a continuous loop of Barry Manilow’s songs for eternity.
  5. Winking at a baby. This one is puzzling. Winking has become in today’s culture a positive thing, but back in the days of Ookalumba and Winston Churchill it was thought that winking meant that you were a minion of Biff OR that you were imposing a curse on the winkee’s soul. The punishment for this in hell is having to watch your car get keyscratched.
  6. Buying Music from iTunes. This Sin is so terrible that not only does Satan force you to pay a dollar per song, but he doesn’t let you share your purchases with everyone else.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. Never, never, NEVER milk a goat on Wednesday, or else your soul will be devoured and your mind will be forever tortured in the depths of hell. Also, when in hell your punishment will include having to go through sex-ed in High School all over again.
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).
  9. Hocking a loogie. Performing loogie-hocking, especially in public, is proven to cause innocent bystanders to stop going to church. The punishment for this in hell is forever drinking the loogie from Satan’s retarded brother.

10 masturbating on the downhill parts on a roller coster for this you will have blowjobs from old people

11 fucking shit upfast car chases girls booze explosoins gun shots SIN!!! you will have to go to hell but instead of actualy going in you have to wait 234857238905723052309582908529038529052890359025 hours and don’t think i made up that number

List of Sins during the Roman Empire

After the adoption of Christianity by the Roman Empire, the list of sins are changed to adapt to the practices of Romans at the time

  1. Voting for Independent Caesar-candidate. If you did not vote for one of the main Caesar-candidate, like Octavian or Valentian, you are wasting your vote. Look what happened to Brutus.
  2. Misspelling your Latin Grammar. In case you did not read history, Brian of Nazareth almost got decapitated by a Roman officer because he misspelled his Latin graffiti. Don’t count on the Roman officer to correct your grammar. They have learned their lesson and will castrate you instead.
  3. Huffing the Lions of Circus Maximus. This should be self-explanatory. The punishment for this in hell is being raped by rabid lions with AIDS.
  4. Illegally copying each scroll in the Library of Alexandria. Despite Senate’s wishes, you should not copy all scrolls off the Library of Alexandria. Just because it will take you 1000 years to finish copying the scrolls, it doesn’t mean you won’t be caught or sent to hell.
  5. Winking at a baby Roman Citizen. Unlike the original commandment, you may wink at a baby Slave. Just don’t wink at a baby Roman Citizen.
  6. Buying Harps from iMarket. This Sin is so terrible that not only does Caesar force you to pay a denarius per song, but he doesn’t let you share your purchases with everyone else.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. Wait, sorry. I’m not sure why this one is a sin. Not at this time anyway. Feel free to milk your goat on Wednesday, the day of the God of Odin… wait.. that’s it! YOU HEATHEN! YOU WORSHIP A PAGAN GOD! GUARDS! ARREST THIS HEATHEN AND BURN HIM!
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).

9Hocking a loogie. Performing loogie-hocking, especially in public, is proven to cause innocent bystanders to stop going to church. The punishment for this in hell is forever drinking the loogie from Satan’s retarded brother.

List of Sins during the Crusades

As Muslim empires arose and gained prominence, the clergy has to assert the superiority of their religion to the infidel Muslims.

  1. Voting for the Caliphs. Don’t vote for Caliphs, you terrorist!
  2. Misspelling names of Crusade destinations. This is WHY we lost the crusades. You brought your troops to Canada instead of Israel, you dumbass.
  3. Kitten huffing. This should be self-explanatory. We need the kittens for dinner, since we have shortage of food.
  4. Reading the Bible Unless you are a clergy, reading the Bible is condemned by God. It’s even worse if you dare to blaspheme by claiming to find out inconsistencies and misspellings in the Bible.
  5. Winking at a Christian baby. You may, however, wink at a Saracen baby.
  6. Buying Music from traveling Bards. You are supposed to sing ONLY in the church! This sin is so terrible that not only does Satan force you to pay a crown per song, but he doesn’t let you share your purchases with everyone else.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. HEATHENS! GET HIM!
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).
  9. Not hocking a loogie. In accordance to the medieval code of primitive conduct, you are supposed to be dirty and disgusting.

List of Sins during the Reformation

Since Christendom is divided into Protestants and Catholics, the list become chaotic. However, the Catholic church still maintains dominance in the church’s teachings.

  1. Voting for Martin Luther. Only infidels listen to Martin Luther’s teachings.
  2. Misspelling names of Christian denominations. It’s Presbyterian, not Presbytarian. It’s Protestantism, not Protestanism. It’s Catholicism, not Catholisism. If you get this wrong, God will burn you in hell.
  3. Kitten huffing. whatever.
  4. Reading the Bible If you read the bible, you will start your own denomination. THAT’S WHY WE TOLD YOU NOT TO IN THE FIRST PLACE!
  5. Winking at a Catholic baby. You may wink at a Protestant baby or an Orthodox baby, but winking at a catholic baby will get you to Hell.
  6. Buying Music from Bach. Classical music are only for gays and villains.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. HEATHENS! GET THEM!
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).
  9. Hocking a loogie. Performing loogie-hocking, especially in public, is proven to cause innocent bystanders to stop going to church. The punishment for this in hell is forever drinking the loogie from Satan’s retarded brother.

List of Sins in the modern era

After many evolutions of Christian faiths, this list comprises the culmination of Christian teachings.

  1. Voting Independant, since if you vote that way you are throwing away your vote.
  2. Misspelling key words of a political cause. Such heathens are already partially punished by God by damaging their brain. The punishment for this is to become George W Bush’ cabinet member in his third term in HELL!
  3. Kitten huffing. This should be self-explanatory. The punishment for this in hell is being raped by rabid kittens with AIDS.
  4. Internet downloading*. Despite RIAA’s wishes, you should not download music off the Internet. Unless you enjoy slaving away for eternity. Your hell punishment will involve you being forced to listen to a continuous loop of Barry Manilow’s songs for eternity.
  5. Winking at a baby. This one is puzzling. Winking has become in today’s culture a positive thing, but back in the days of Ookalumba and Winston Churchill it was thought that winking meant that you were a minion of Biff OR that you were imposing a curse on the winkee’s soul. The punishment for this in hell is having to watch your car get keyscratched.
  6. Buying Music from iTunes. This Sin is so terrible that not only does Satan force you to pay a dollar per song, but he doesn’t let you share your purchases with everyone else.
  7. Milking a goat on Wednesday. Never, never, NEVER milk a goat on Wednesday, or else your soul will be devoured and your mind will be forever tortured in the depths of hell. Also, when in hell your punishment will include having to go through sex-ed in High School all over again.
  8. Counting The Number Of Deadly Sins. Satan does not appreciate people who are over-corrective and arrogant when it comes to being correct. Believers are wise not to criticize divine numeration policy. (Tips: make sure you are not committing this sin at this moment).
  9. Hocking a loogie. Performing loogie-hocking, especially in public, is proven to cause innocent bystanders to stop going to church. The punishment for this in hell is forever drinking the loogie from Satan’s retarded brother.
  10. Thinking that this list is the same with the first one. After all, there is one additional sin to consider.
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