Writer's Caffe

December 9, 2009

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 4:07 pm

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity

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The greatest trickster to ever live.

If in one hand we have an apple, when we boost into the apple frame of reference, which we do through representations of the Lorentz group, it becomes an orange - that is relativity

~ Einstein on adding confusion to the theory of relativity

Imagine that this piece of string were infinite. What? Okay, well imagine that it were really, really long. No, longer than a mile. What? Yes, it would be very long. Okay now? Right, now imagine that this fork is time itself. What? Just because I have a fork handy, that's why. Look...look, just shut up, alright? I'm trying to explain... no, look I'm trying to explain... oh, fuck you all, you can just stay ignorant.

~ Einstein attempting to explain the theory of relativity to a kindergarten class


~ Christian Bale attempting to explain the theory of relativity to the same kindergarten class.

Einstein did not propose the theory. It was my bar napkin that had the theory written on it along with my phone number..Einstein took the napkin saying he wanted my number, but instead he published the theory. That didn't stop me from sleeping with him though.

~ Stefanie F. on her short but atomic affair with the genius himself

The theory of relativity (by some called Relativism) was proposed by a joint paper by Albert Einstein and Jacques Lacan who said that all relatives in a family were only in their various positions in the family relative to one another in a fixed point in time or space. For instance, a father is a father to a child and he is a brother to his brother. Thus the same person is both a father and a brother, from two different points of view. Well, Einstein wasn’t really that helpful, but he had lots of PhDs and qualifications to make it sound really important, so people credited him with the discovery anyway.

As such, it was one of the most important inventions in history, paving the way for the temporal paradox, the engine which powers the Time machine used by Professor Marty McFly in his famous time travel documentary Forward to the past.


Theory of Relativity

Albert Einstein’s 1905 rant “On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies” introduced the wild guess of relativity. Einstein’s marketing agent (also, a closet Jew), suggested there may be some difficulty marketing “wild guess of relativity”, and we’re left today fortunately with the result — “the principle of relativity”. While this principle was not new to Einstein’s work, he found that putting a fork in the microwave may have looked fun, yet in the long run just ended up breaking it. The experiment was new, in it’s focus on placing various other objects in a microwave and seeing what happened. He found that the same power needed to spark a fork in the lab was equal to that required in a kitchen to be the same as that required to blow up a kitten, or melt a hydrated rose, regardless of their rotation or the motion of the body of food, flowers or fauna. Raindrops on roses and radiation on kittens were just a few of his favorite things.

Main Principles

The Theory of Relativity is based on two postulates:

  1. All motion is not absolute, but relative and therefore a matter of opinion, which was disproven when scientists discovered that the universe had a stationary center and therefore an absolute perspective from which all motion was seen.
  2. The speed of light is constant everywhere, except in the Star Wars universe, where it can cross a galaxy in only a few hours; this postulate was simply made up based on absolute nothingness.

From these two postulates, Einstein somehow deduced that increasing an object’s speed will cause it to become heavier and shorter, just as people do when they get old, and cause it to see the rest of the universe speed up, just as people see the world do when they get old. Then he realized that if all motion was relative, then so was speed, and therefore so were masses, sizes, and all that other crap that changes with speed. Thus, it was possible for each of two guys moving past each other at extremely high speed to see the other as being shorter, heavier, and aging less rapidly than himself, and upon stopping, Guy #1 would be older from his own perspective than Guy #2, and Guy #2 would be older from his own perspective than Guy #1.


Realizing that his first postulate and his conclusions would normally violate each other and conventional reality, but not realizing that one of his postulates might actually be bullshit, Einstein decided that the only way to resolve this contradiction would be to say that everything was an opinion and therefore true from some perspectives but not all, including the belief that The Theory of Relativity is self-contradictory nonsense based on a fictional premise. But even this “solution” contradicts itself, as some beliefs, like the belief that not everything is an opinion, make themselves true from all perspectives when true from at least one, thereby preventing themselves from being opinions. Modern scientists often amend Einstein’s solution to say that the definition of “opinion” can itself also be an opinion (in some people’s opinions), and that every belief must therefore be an opinion under at least one definition of the word. This lead to The Theory of Relativity’s spinoff, Relativism.

Later, just to annoy scientists further, Einstein declared that gravitational fields were warped areas in the fabric of space-time, contradicting his previous statement that space-time had no fabric to warp. He then declared that both were just his opinions. He may have had multiple personality disorder.

E = mo2

Einstein’s final piece of the puzzle was to formulate an equation he could tack on for idiots everywhere to use when they wanted to sound smart. That is the famous “E = mo2” business. No one actually knows what this means, and it is one of Einstein’s greatest jokes on mankind. With the rise of feminism, women are also free to quote this equation in business meetings without having a clue. Equality is good for science, and progress.

This “equation” was proven to be false in the late 16th century by a peasant named William Dodd. He concluded (with much a much more convincing style of wording) that as Einstein was yet to be born–he himself already being aged 19, was his elder and thus superior of knowledge (see also: Because I says so principle). When interviewed by channel 7 news, Mr. Dodd denied the 14 allegations of sexual assault the hot, large breasted interviewer accused him of, but did comment on Einstein’s rambling being entirely fictional.

The real equation is as follows : Energy = Massive.Opression2

The Einstein's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist.

~ Oscar Wilde on Einstein's Theories


One of the strengths of such an enjoyable display is that, if the microwave is not your own, it’s so much more amusing (although Einstein did not derive it this way). For proof, see the back of any tv dinner in which the instructions are translated from another language (e.g. “warning, this product may become hot when heated”).

Simply Put

While it may seem like reading this article has taken approximately an hour, it has really only been about twelve seconds. That, dear readers, is relativity.

The Theory behind The Theory

Einstein’s home designed using relativity so nobody could break in and hurt him

Albert Einstein was an exceptional scientist with a particularly logical mind. One day, after a fight with Stephen Hawking he was forced to take the train home, as Hawking had trashed his hovercar. He was bored, and being a scientist he calculated the speed of the train. It was roughly 200mph. It was at this point he realised that if he was on a train travelling at 200mph an hour towards Bristol, that it was conceivable Bristol might be travelling at 200mph towards him. This would mean he would crash into Bristol at a combined speed of 400mph and a force exceeding 100,000,000 N. It also occurred to him that if Bristol were to hit him at that speed, he would die. Therefore he decided to create a Universal law to prevent this kind of thing happening. He decided that if everything was relative to something else, then only smaller, more sensible, train shaped objects could travel at ridiculous speeds.

The Theory Itself

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity states:

If an object is travelling at a given speed in a given direction, and particularly if the object concerned is travelling at me, or if I am travelling at an object, especially if either the object or myself is travelling at a speed likely to cause injury to me, then only the object, and not the object and the destination, or target, will move, and it will slow down slightly.

~ Albert Einstein

Einstein calculated the maximum safe speed for any given object to be a constant, which he called c. He then calculated the energy an object would have if it was travelling at speed c. This is 0.5mc^2. He then doubled this to take into account the other object travelling towards him, this gave mc^2. This value he called E, or “Einstein’s Energy”. Oddly, he changed the individual letters whilst high so it gave rise to the famous equation:

E = mo2

History of the Theory

At first the theory was unpopular. Many dismissed the idea as “cowardly” or “plain stupid”. It is only recently, with the invention of the Dodge Vyper and other particularly large cars that the theory has become of utmost importance for the protection of small children and other roadkill.

Not only is the Theory the product of a cowardly and unscientific mind, it interferes with the AA route planner

~ Isaac Newton

If a man and an ape are heading towards each other at 200mph, but due to relativity they slow down and do not die then survival of the fittest has not occurred. Hence evolution will not occur. I thus conclude that Albert Einstein is God, and does not exist

~ Charles Darwin

Time Dilation Theory

However, the theory did not end here. Whilst on another train, Albert Einstein realized that if a third party were to watch two objects heading towards each other at speeds he considered unsafe, then relativity would not in fact come into action, as both objects would be heading for the third person, and relativity would be acting on him, and not on Einstein. Panicking, in case he was about to collide into Bristol whilst someone watched, Einstein scribbled down another theory on a napkin.

If two objects are heading towards each other at great velocity, relativity will not be occurring from the prospective of a third party. Hence, particularly if I am on one of the objects, and so things make more sense, time will slow down so I can escape the impending collision

~ Albert Einstein

However, realizing this theory was confusing, particularly to any fourth party involved, he decided to say this would only occur noticeably at speeds close to light speed. Light speed was a term he invented merely to distract the general public from his cowardice and irresponsible creation of physical laws.

Time Dilation also become useful in his later years so he could run out and fetch doughnuts in between catching trains to Bristol.

Special Relativity

Bristol moving at the speed of light

Often the terms Theory of Relativity and Theory of Special Relativity are interchanged. However, despite similarities this is incorrect. Special relativity is a rare occurrence for when regular relativity fails to prevent damage to Einstein. It allows him to move slightly to the left, thus avoiding any number of fast moving objects, which may or may not be Bristol.

Applications of Relativity

To date there is an almost infinite number of uses for Einstein’s theories, but here’s a short list of the most common:

  • The preservation of Albert Einstein
  • The confusion of physics undergraduates so they do not have time to go out, get girlfriends, have children and repopulate the Earth with large numbers of spotty superintelligent beings
  • Preventing particle accelerators from actually working, because if they did, large parts of the planet would instantly vaporise
  • Ensuring anyone using AA route planner will never reach their intended destination
  • Slowing down light so it doesn’t hurt when it hits people
  • Speeding up words so they can travel down phones

As used in hyperspace travel

Einstein’s relativity theory is one of the chief components of most Hyperspace (a.k.a. Hammertime) ship systems, as seen in Star Trek and Star Wars. Their formulation was based on the fact that everything can only be seen relative to everything else, and that everything is really moving at a fantastic speed in every possible direction at every possible time. For instance at this moment you at this moment are spinning around the world, which is spinning round the sun, which is spinning round the galaxy, which is itself spinning round the universe. – thus all you have to do is stop, and you will have travelled an enormous distance – this is the principle at the heart of hyperspace travel.

This is similar to the use of the bumhole.

As relative of itself

The theory of how something can be like something else, but not quite. The theory states that observers can see the same event differently depending on how far they are away from the server. The theory itself is relatively complex. It can only be explain in terms relative to itself. So to adequately understand relativity you have talk like a Bel Air Blonde who just graduated from a Junior College. Like that’s like relative, right?

Relativity In Literature

There was once a small man. He wasn’t terribly small like say, a hobbit, but still pretty small. He was small in a relative sense. The small man lived in a small house. Now don’t get the idea that his house was the same size as him. The house was much larger than the small man. It was only relatively small (when compared to the neighbouring houses). The small man was not poor. In fact, he was quite wealthy. Not as wealthy as say, Bill Gates, but still far from poor. He was rich in a relative sense of the word. Now, the relatively small man living in his relatively small house with his relatively large fortune awoke on one relatively nice day (not perfect, but better than yesterday) to discover that he had a big problem. Not a big problem as in the Holocaust, or Hiroshima, a relatively big problem. He was not alone. Admittedly, that is normally not a problem. A good many of us go through life in the company of others. As human beings we require this contact with other members of our species to remain sane. The issue was that what the relatively small man found within his relatively small home was most certainly not a member of said species. Nope. His visitor consisted of slightly different DNA. His visitor was a troll. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but I am telling the truth. There really was a troll eating pancakes in the relatively nice kitchen within the relatively small man’s relatively small house.

So, anyways, the relatively small man and the relatively small troll stared at each other for a moment before getting into a fight about who the relatively small house and the relatively small fortune belonged to. The man claimed that he had spent many years earning the relatively large fortune and had used it to purchase the relatively small house. The troll claimed that “urrrk urrrk URRRK urk!!!” It was a spectacular fight. That’s not to say that it was anything along the lines of the legendary Super Smash Bros. showdown between “AAA” and Jesus (Jesus won), it was relatively spectacular when placed in comparison with something decidedly unspectacular.


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