Writer's Caffe

December 9, 2009

Albert Einstein

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 3:53 pm

Albert Einstein

Einstein, showing the camera what he did to your mom last night.

Common sense is a book written by Thomas Paine. This is why I must travel back in time using the chronosphere to stop Adolf Hitler.

~ Albert Einstein

I find it hard to fathom as to why, or how for that matter, the masses, intensely ignorant as they are, practically worship one Albert Einstein for being of exceptionally intelligent as a result of the theory of relativity despite the fact that, due to their ongoing insistence to be ignoramuses, they do not understand it. If they were to worship all those whom their miniscule minds could not comprehend then I submit to you that they should all worship me, Immanuel Kant, seeing as I cannot formulate a sentence that any of you could have a hope of understanding. It's just not @£$%ing fair damnit!

~ Immanuel Kant on his jealousy of Einstein

Albert Friggin’ Smart’ Einstein or Andy Salazar as he is sometimes called 1879 – 1955) was a German-born smartass, theoretical physicist, and the world’s first true gangsta. He is famous for his theory of relativity, and specifically the parachute-pants equivalence, E = MC Hammer Cubed. Contrary to popular belief, all Einstein’s theories were stolen and plagiarized, having been expressed only a few decades earlier by Max Planck, Henri Poincare or other lesser known gangsters. These Einstein referred to as “hairy-assed Goyim,” and they had to attend Einstein’s lectures as cross-dressers.



Einstein (pronounced WANG-STAIN) as featured in MA1

The crazy mixed up retard of an accident in time travel, the Albert Einstein who shocked the world was truly the son of Rollock the Genius. Hoping to get some action (you know what sort of action I mean ) in Germany, the young retard was thought the secret to time travel by Rollock. Upon travelling from the future to the past in the late 1800s, he met an agnostic prostitute and converted her to Judaism. After enjoying the time old Charleston, they settled down in a bed near Berlin. Some complications in the time machine caused Einstein to be born as a sixty year old man the next day. This was later corrected by Rollock through the use of french mustard. Rollock trained the young Einstein in his ways, including the secret style of penguino ninjitsu, and gave him the credit for the theory of Tiger Ballz. Later a giant chicken ball came and crushed Einstein, sending him into an alternate reality, and replacing him with the 615th reincarnation of the Evil Lord Xenu. He came back to the present and wrote this article.


‘einstein passing though every point in the universe’.

As we all know Einstein’s life came to a tragic end when he imploded in a spectacularly unsuccessful attempt to win a bet that he could generate a mini black hole by cycling around the world faster than the speed of light. Then tragedy struck as Einstein drew level with the velocity of light he became infinitely dense instantaneously passing through every point in the universe. This had the unfortunate side effect of giving him infinite gravitational force which in turn caused the infinitely large Einstein and the entire universe of space and time to fold in on itself until it disappeared into an infinitely small point that is commonly referred to by some of the world’s most respected theoretical astrophysicists as a “lil’ biddy dot”. However Einstein is alive and well as he like Doctor Who, Tony The Tiger, and Gordon Day reformed. He is currently living in Holland under the psuedoname Sylvester Rollock.

An alternate, now disregarded theory suggests that Einstein died as a result of his brain spontaneously dividing π by 0. E= mc2 is the result of his death.

Conspiracy Theories

There is increasing speculation that the story surrounding Einstein’s death is more intricate than previously thought. Many moustachologists believe that he actually travelled through time to 1996, changed his name to Des Lynam and forged a successful career as a British television presenter. Credence to this hypothesis has grown since the sudden disappearance of Des Lynam in 2006. While cynics propose that Lynam is not in fact Einstein and merely faded into obscurity after being fired from his job on Countdown for being too boring, realists believe he travelled back to his original time.

The truth about Einstein’s PENIS

Several time travelling Einsteins meeting with God to play dice

According to secret historical documents in the Pentagon, Einstein’s well-known picture was taken while he was licking a Russian prostitute. Actually she wasn’t a prostitute: She was an NKVD agent. It was the winter of 1926 in Germany. Because of the economical crisis in Germany after World War One, there was no coal to warm up. Sly Soviet agents were aware of this situation; they also were knowing of Einstein’s excess libido. So, all they need were a beautiful woman and a camera. And someone to use the camera, of course. After Einstein began licking, the cameraman were coming close slowly. But the cameraman involuntary hit the furniture tripod. Einstein discovered him. The cameraman were still trying to do his job. While Einstein was looking on the cameraman with confused eyes, he attempted to say “whadda fuck is goin’ on?”. But he couldn’t. Because of the cold weather, his tongue stuck down his chin. So shame… “The great physicist” hadn’t got a foresight about what’s the combine of cold weather and wet objects. Meanwhile, cameraman took the picture and went back to Moscow. Stalin purposed to use that picture to blackmail Einstein and get him with the precious scientific secrets which would accomplish the Soviet Nuclear Program. But the plans didn’t work anymore. Because there was more “hardcore” photos of Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky, those taken in an orgy made in Kremlin. (Rumours say the orgy pictures transmitted to the USA by Trotsky as a result of his strive against Stalin.) Roosevelt threatened to publicise those pictures if they don’t return the picture of Einstein. And Stalin stepped backward.

It has been theorized by Eistein himself that this is perhaps the stupidest section in this article.

Effects of Relativity

When Einstein invented space and time and espresso he realised that if you go really fast, like Olympic athletes do, you get really small. This phenomenon was recently witnessed in the success of Chinese athletes in the 2008 Olympic games.

Einstein’s Famous Formula

How Einstein got to the “So called famous formula – E=mc^2”

When we think of Einstein we think of his formula E=MC² and we often wonder what it stands for or what it means from the point of a editor from the Observer newspaper. Unfortunately Einstein got in a feud with the Nobel Peace Prize committee and refused to tell anyone until they apologize with a pair of smoking shoes of his size.

Although we may never truly understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it is assumed to be related to the concept of relative association in that where this is a way there is a will, and that where there is will there is likely to be a relative.

Another interpretation which appears more likely than anything to do with Energy, Mass or the Speed of Light is Albert Einstein’s Theory of Cheesology.

Taking his famous equation of:


One can assume the letters represent:

  • Eat – The E stands for Eat.
  • More – The M stands for More.
  • Cheese – The C stands for Cheese.

Turning the equation into an English sentence should result in:

“Eat More Cheese than you normally would.”

The fact that Cheese is squared in the above equation results in eating to excess in order to square the amount of Cheese you would normally eat. For example, if you ate 50g of Cheese per day, then to abide by Einstein’s Law then you must eat math in order to be consuming the necessary amount of cheese.

This 50g squared amount is equal to 2.5kg (2500g) which is the FCO’s (Food Consumption Organization) recommendations on daily cheese consumption.

It is still unknown what kind of cheese he might be referring to.That was one deduction why he was awarded the Nobel Prize. More cheese would imply better health for people. But the Norwegian screwed-up committee got confused with the various theories and awarded him the Nobel Prize for Physic instead of Nutrition and Health.

However, a shocking and profound theory has recently emerged in the scientific community. The founder of Purdue has recently suggested Einstein meant to say “Eat More Cheese SQUARES“. If true, then the very foundations of science would be shaken by the sheer power of the newly promoted Cheese Squares.

Einstein’s feud with Pythagoras

Although Einstein is mainly known for his advances in the scientific field, he was also quite the romantic poet.

Since they were both born Albert and Pythag have always been at war. Even during maths classes with Mrs C Roberts in MA1 they fought, trying to come up with the most intelligent formulas and theories. In the end Albert won by bribing Mrs Roberts with a sack of parsnips and he got top degrees. After school they went their separate ways with Albert going to Germany, then America, and Pythag going to Samos and then Memphis Uni. Eventually they both made their career defining theories, Einstein’s E=MC² and Pythag’s a²+b²=c². At the maths awards at the end of the year, Pythag won the maths award for Best Theorem, but Albert couldn’t bear to see him win so he cut him down with his secret weapon, before claiming he won and hypnotising everyone with his maths. This was the end of their feud, and Albert then became known as the world’s greatest mathematician, and Pythag was quietly forgotten by all but Mrs C Roberts and kids who have to learn his theorem.

Einstein’s rapping career

rare copy of E=MCPIMPED found in basement of old packrat

Beware the knockoffs.

Einstein was once completely set for rapping, he went by the name A-stein E-stein. He teamed up with the likes of Kid Rock, Eminem, JAYZEE, Weird Al and Reuben Glaser. He has had a few albums out, one was labeled “PI Sucks ASS”. Due to the large words and frequent references to science, Einstein’s first ablum didn’t sell well at all. His partner was a small black man named “COX” who later committed suicide after Einstein’s second attempt at an album called “E=equals MCpimped2.” His hit song from this one was “Big Brains Bring Bucks”. But once again his attempts ended up bad, this album only sold 742 copies. Einstein was now without COX, or rapping skills, so he tried once more at an album, this one was “Gimme All Da Plutonium!” This album had only 8 songs on it, and only 65 copies were made. The price for this album on websites such as Ebay is through the roof. After this attempt at a record, Einstein hung up his bling, and went back to science 100%. This is one man who will go down in the hall of fame of rap, which will hopefully have a dedication to COX.


Unbeknownst to casual Einstein-enthusiasts, Einstein had a brief tenure in the world of psycho-analysis. Despite the lack of recognition for his work in this field, his most notable work in this field summated with his phrase, “A good definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results”. Since this somehow unshocking conjecture was made in the late 1930s, it has fallen in reputation and now carries very little weight in the psycho-analysis community. A more appropriate definition of insanity is generally regarded to be possessing female reproductive organs and/or a compulsive shopping habit. Insanity is also often characterized by an affinity for 1980s dance pop. What a sad era that was.

Other Notable Facts

  • Discovered relativity while looking for a shortcut to the East Indies.
  • He showed that no object can travel faster than a lady with to c cup sized breasts.
  • Isaac Newton once said of him, “He is not my relative “
  • Mathematically proved the “I before E, except after C” spelling rule (which is wrong, look at weight, height and supercalafragalisticexpealidocious for example.
  • Although not a chemist, he created the tasty compound Sandwich Oxide SnWCHO2.
  • Discovered the formula “E=MC Hammer”.
  • Inventor of two theories of relativity, which he concocted to explain why some of his children looked more like the postman.
  • Despite great efforts, he could never solve the complexity of German grammar.
  • Once ate his weight in pickled eggs.
  • Although he said that God doesn’t play dice, he firmly believed that God was a great poker player.
  • Designer of the solar powerd flashlight.
  • Once forgot where he lives (no really).

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