Writer's Caffe

December 9, 2009

Aids

Filed under: Myths — amerkaj @ 2:09 pm

Aids

A ribbon worn by supporters of the AIDS virus

That which doesn't kill me, can, in fact, kill me.

~ Oscar Wilde on AIDS

Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, otherwise known as: ‘I have what?!’, is a disease which one can acquire, if one so chooses, by licking the exposed cut of, sticking one’s penis inside, a foreigner or diseased animal, or simply by wearing a condom. To cure the ailment it is rumored that one must simply perform a ‘Ring’- like procedure, making a copy of the disease and passing it on to someone else.

If you really don’t want to catch AIDS, the UN has suggested that you ‘go and live in a hole somewhere, having cut off your penis and also your anus if you want to be extra safe.’

// <![CDATA[//

Categorization

AIDS, formerly known as AYDS, is also a revolutionary pill that stopped the obesity epidemic.
Threat Levels:      Fucking ridiculous. We are all going to die.
Classification:     Motherfucking pandemic.
Cure:               You're joking, right?
Appetite:           Seemingly insatiable.
Favorite Color:     Blue.

if you have aids dont use a condom

Biography

Early life

Sex with giant scorpions and spiders is to be avoided if you don’t want to catch AIDS.

Ass Injected death Syndrome(aids) has been around since the late nineteenth century, but at that point it was a relatively small-time disease, infecting monkeys and other small mammals in parts of Sub-Saharan Africa. Then, at some time in the 1960s, with the liberation of homosexuals in America, some of them went a bit OTT and decided it would be a good idea to try and have sex with said monkeys and other small mammals. I’m not kidding. They really did. Anyway, said homos went and had sex with their respective monkeys, and by all accounts it was jolly good fun. Then, they went back to America, and started having sex with humans again. Here the problem arose, as it later transpired that in this cross-species fornication, the unwitting homosexuals had inadvertently transferred the AIDS virus straight into humankind! Uh-oh…

Making it Big

AIDS then went on to propagate itself around the entire human population of Earth. By the start of the twenty-first century, everyone was getting super pissed of with it, as it had infected approximately 32 million people and pretty much fucked over the entire monkey population. In 2005, it was nominated as one of the ‘Most Badass Diseases EVER’, but unfortunately lost the title to Ebola, which is a disease that pretty much makes you bleed out of every orifice when you catch it and then die within a few hours. Poor old AIDS didn’t really have a chance, Ebola is just too badass. AIDS took consolation in the fact that it was way more famous than Ebola, but then someone reminded it that the only reason Ebola isn’t famous is because the moment anyone gets near it, they just fucking die. Now AIDS is really upset.

Later Life

AIDS is not the kind of disease to give up and call it a day though, oh no…it’s now 2009 and the total amount of infected people and monkeys is somewhere around 14 billion, which is rather surprising seeing as the world primate population is only about 11 billion. Hmmm…where are all these extra monkeys/humans coming from? And how did they get on the register for being infected with AIDS? Beats me. Anyway AIDS is now the second most feared disease on Earth.

AIDS: What? No, I’m the number 1 most feared disease on Earth…

Me: Oh, what? Shit, this is awkward, didn’t anybody tell you? Jesus, sorry, man…Cancer’s way more feared than you…

AIDS: WHAT!? Who the fuck is Cancer?

Me: Oh yeh, he’s really scary, you don’t even have to have sex with anything, one day you could be just minding your own business, and then the next thing you know…BAM!…Cancer.

AIDS: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! First I’m not the most badass, now I’m not even the most feared!? (Starts sobbing profusely.)

Me: Oh, don’t cry…

AIDS: But…I’m…n-not…f-f-feared!

Me: Oh, it’s okay, lot’s of people are scared of you, how many have you killed now?

AIDS: F-f-fifty million…

Me: See, there you go! That’s a really big number! Fifty million! Wow! I haven’t killed anyone!

AIDS: R-really?

Me: Well….that anyone is aware of at least….

AIDS: W-what?

Me: Nothing….You are feared though.

Death

On February 26 (which also happens to be my birthday), AIDS was committed to the St. Johns hospital in New Hampshire with a case of terminal cancer. It appeared every AIDS-infected victim was also dying of some variety of tumor or growth, and all of these people simultaneously died at 5 ‘o’ clock on the afternoon of that day. Monkeys became extinct and the remaining human population were left to rebuild what was left of their crumbled civilization. Richard Dawkins said something about natural selection, and someone punched him in the face.

What You Can Do

Pope Benedict XVI arguing that condoms are actually meant to prevent impure thoughts coming out of your head.

Pretty much nothing really. I mean, AIDS is a disease…what are you? From AIDS point of view, you’re nothing but a vector through which it can infect other humans and monkeys. You are nothing to AIDS. If you really want to help prevent it though, I suggest you do like the Pope and propagate abstinence from use of condoms and other devices of sexual protection. That ought to do it. Seriously though don’t engage in any kind of bestiality. Horses, monkeys, dogs and homosexuals are all a big no no……so is Barbara Streisand…. If you really want to try it on with an animal, at least get it tested first. A good way to do this is to go to a vet’s claiming that the animal is your pet, and say that you believe it has been raped by someone carrying the AIDS virus. That way you should be able to molest said animal with no fear of infection yourself, should its tests come up clean. So enjoy you sick fuck!



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