Writer's Caffe

December 8, 2009

Be a Good Catholic

Filed under: Religion — amerkaj @ 12:02 pm

HowTo:Be a Good Catholic

This article has been personally approved by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI. He signed Holy Documents of Approval using his Holy Lightsaber
Warning: Jesus has visited this page and determined conclusively that he does not approve.

Perfect Catholics

Welcome, acolyte. We’d like to proudly present you this guide that will help you become a good member of the Roman Catholic sect Church. Well, if you feel you are a good member, you can at least check to see if you are REALLY good member. You should also know that this guide will not show you the basic rules of the Roman Catholic Church. If you don’t know them, you should look here.

Before we start our holy journey, we’d like to point out that this guide has been approved by both Polish and Spanish episcopates as truthful and accurate and got their certificates AbsolutelyRight2 and FantasticallyDeceiving3 respectively.



Let’s start our holy journey. Follow these points and be sure you meet the requirements:

  • First of all, you need to be born in a family that has been Catholic for at least three generations. If you have even one heretic in a straight line of your genealogical tree, you should give up now – You won’t be a good Catholic!
  • Secondly, you have to be baptised as an infant so you can be indoctrinated from the time you were born. This was the decision of your parents. If you were baptised as an adult, you will be Catholic, but You won’t be a good Catholic!
  • Oh well, you can give an offering to a priest, who will be so grateful that he will backdate your baptism documents. Don’t worry that it will have a bad influence on your Catholic soul. A priest is a saintly person, and for supporting saintly people you will go to heaven! Always remember: Your donation is your salvation.
  • If you don’t have at least four siblings, you should give up now. That means that your parents are heretics that use condoms, so they have no idea how to do it as God obliged people to do, or they just don’t do it so they are idiots, or they are infertile and as we all know, infertility is God’s punishment for your mom behaving like a slut in her youth.
  • If you meet all the requirements listed above, you can start your journey to become a good Catholic!

All requirements of being good Catholic


Money is an important part of a Catholic’s life, probably the most important. The Pope builds his Catholic Empire on money from worshippers and yes, you guessed it: you are going to be one of them. Check to see if you can meet the monetary requirements for being a good Catholic:

  • Remember, each time you visit the Home of God, you need to give some offerings to a priest. World Crisis is not an excuse. You can’t let your parish go bankrupt… Don’t give coins; it’s an insult for God! He sacrificed his son for your sins, so open your purse and give your banknote with the most zeros on it!
  • If you are actually poor, that means that God knew you would be miserly so he took his part already.
  • When a priest visits your home, you should give him a generous donation or Hell fire will burn you!
  • A Bishop does not have never-ending wealth. You should send him some money once a month. Or at least once every two months.
  • It is in good taste is supporting your Cardinal. Send him something once a year.
  • The Pope also has financial troubles. Recently, he couldn’t buy a new diamond-made lamp. Instead, he had to buy a lamp made of ruby. Do you think that is OK? Go to your post office and send him some money!
  • If you don’t agree with the conditions above, you should give up now. You won’t be a good Catholic, you filthy miser!

Attitude to church authorities

You shall listen to this guy. It’s even better if you always agree!

Church authorities are important in every kind of religion. In the Catholic church, there is a big hierarchization of authorities. You need to have respect for them:

  • Love your God more than the other’s Muhammad.
  • Love your Pope more than your God.
  • Love your Cardinal more than your Pope.
  • Love your Bishop more than your Cardinal.
  • Love your Bishop more than another’s Bishop.
  • Love your Priest more than all the above together.
  • Priest from local parish is your only authority in all religion cases. He always knows better what higher instance thought. Your Priest’s word is a saint’s word!
  • Remember that being a priest is a higher form of existence; therefore they do not have to do pee or poo.
  • Remember that your priest cannot be poor (go back to earlier points if you do not remember).
  • Your Priest is always right. Your Priest says that!
  • Priests ARE NOT paedophiles, ARE NOT homosexual and NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER have any kind of intercourse with anybody, including themselves.
  • If you don’t agree with the statements above, you should give up now. You won’t be a good Catholic, you unfaithful scum!


  • High Mass can’t be funny or cool for you or you will become baptist, and for the Catholic Church, baptists are heretics. During High Mass, you shall be sad and grave.
  • During High Mass, the order of importance is this: the priest, your wallet, the cross, altar and High Mass’ intention.
  • One thing you never, ever, ever can do is miss High Mass on Sunday! Otherwise you are a heretic! You have surgery!? Who the hell cares! Run to church because the priest needs your money!
  • You really have to like going to church.
  • Your Priest is always right (we know it has already been in this guide, but you really need to remember this…).
  • He is right even whem he is not right.
  • However, if he is wrong, he is in fact right.
  • If your priest is not right, he is right anyway.
  • If you still don’t get it, you have to be retarded.
  • If you don’t agree with the statements above, you should give up now. You won’t be a good Catholic, you unfaithfully happy Westboro Baptist Church member!

Everyday life of a Catholic

  • You shall pray as often as possible, but don’t go crazy with it! Otherwise you can become a batpist and that’s definitely not good.
  • You shall have three copies of the HOLY BIBLE. However, you can’t read the Bible or, what is much worse, understand it. Understanding the Bible is for Jehovah’s Witnesses.
  • You can’t eat meat on Fridays. Just accept it and it will be cool. No, you can’t eat meat even if it is the only food available to you at the time. No! No meat on Fridays. Just, just accept it, OK?
  • You should permanently join your hand to your rosary. This way you will be showing your dedication to Saint Virgin Mary and you won’t lose it.
  • You should note down every sin you committed. That makes it easier at confession.
  • You should go to priest for confession at least once a month. Of course you have to bring with you a nice amount of money for his troubles.
  • If the above statements are not right for you, give up now. You won’t be a good Catholic!

Holy war

  • Actually, “holy war” is the basis of the everyday life of a Catholic. Yes, Muslims are better show offs, but trust me, Catholics also have their Jihad.
  • First of all, you shall watch only Catholic TV, listen to Catholic radio and read only Catholic newspapers to protect yourself from bad influence coming to you from the bad Jewish Communistic world full of heathens.
  • You shall not think that everything good on this world comes from God and everything bad comes from the Devil. No! That’s what Protestants say! Everything bad on this world comes from Jews, Communists and atheists, and the Roman Catholic Church is fighting against those heretics!
  • Remember, every Protestant, Baptist or Mormon is a heretic and every Eastern Orthodox Catholic is a schismatic! Don’t confuse those definitions. Heretics are destined to be burnt at the stake after cruel tortures, and schismatics can be converted to Roman Catholicism!
  • Remember that each atheist is a blasphemer and heretic at the same time! You shall kill any atheist at once!
  • Remember that each deist is also blasphemer and heretic at the same time! It’s a lesser level than atheist but they are also destined to be killed at once.
  • But remember that each agnostic is an idiot as he just doesn’t know. You can’t blame him for that. However, you shall kill him using holy fire, and God will know if he was ours or not ours.
  • Kill each Satanist you see. It’s not against the Ten Commandments; it’s getting closer to salvation.
  • You should cite the Bible each time you have any conversation with anybody. Or maybe not..that’s what Protestants are doing. Forget about this point.
  • You shall argue to the bitter end that God exists and is Catholic!
  • Each argument ends by using holy fire to burn your opponents that are of course heretics.
  • Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Don’t sleep during High Mass!
  • Atheism doesn’t exist! It’s just another heresy!
  • Crusade against Jihad!
  • Use holy fire against suicidal bomb attacks!
  • You also shall accept and execute all statements above, otherwise You won’t be a good Catholic!


  • Contraception was invented by heretics.
  • If you use any kind of contraception, you are a heretic!
  • Each intercourse shall end with pregnancy. Otherwise, intercourse will be a deadly sin! Oh, you also can be infertile but it’s God’s punishment as this occurs only when you want to have children.
  • If you did it in any other position than classical, you have committed a deadly sin! It’s worse than using condoms!
  • If you don’t want to have children, go buy a layette. You can expect a baby in 9 months.
  • If you don’t want to make your Catholic Family bigger, you are a heretic working on the Devil’s side! Go to hell!
  • You can’t have prurience! It’s sin!
  • The only acceptable methods of spending onself are: adding bromine to your morning cereal, and looking at Rosie O’Donnell.
  • Each spermatozoon is saintly! It’s potential life. If you waste it, you are a sinner!
  • If you even think about using condoms, remember that using one causes salmonella, mumps, scurvy, staphylococcus, glaucoma, eczema, plague, ebola, denga and AIDS. Using condoms can also make you bald, redundant, depressed and addicted to alcohol. All that leads to masturbation, and if you practice that: you will burn in hell!
  • If you think that haveing children and not using contraception is not for you, give up. You won’t be a good Catholic!


Masturbation is one of worst things that a Roman Catholic can ever do! Never, ever, ever masturbate yourself! Or you will go blind! And you will get tetanus! And AIDS! Masturbation is absolutely forbidden for all Roman Catholics! If you masturbate, you can die! You will die and go to hell! Don’t do this! If you think you are an ugly bastard and you think you can’t live without masturbation, give up now because You won’t be a good Catholic!


Abortion is another deadly sin, equal to murder. If you want to be a good Catholic, you can’t even think about having an abortion (for you or your girlfriend… WIFE! It’s obvious you can’t have intercourse before your wedding!). However, we have few simple rules about abortion:

  • Jesus in Scrubs TV Series said that Every life is precious. And that means simply: no abortion!!!
  • Abortion is a murder and sin. You will burn in hell after having an abortion!
  • Oh well… If the parents are drug takers with no future… NO!!!! ABORTION IS A MURDER!!!! It doesn’t matter that half of egg cells are automatically removed from a woman’s body as part of a natural process!
  • Abortion can’t be done even if giving birth to a child can kill the pregnant woman!
  • Abortion can’t be done even for a 12-year-old girl! She shall be a virgin up to her wedding day!
  • Abortion can’t be done even for a raped woman (even if she is a 12-year-old girl)!
  • Abortion can’t be done even for the victim of a mass rape (even if she is a 12-year-old girl)!
  • Abortion is a murder!!!

Roman Catholic and dogmas

  • All Catholic dogmas are true. Well…you say some of them were not mentioned in the Holy Bible? Well…God forgot and he is providing these forgotten dogmas to us so we can spread them around the Roman Catholic world.
  • Saint Virgin Mary was born from a virgin; she bore Jesus while a virgin and she also died as a virgin. Impossible? Then fuck off! You won’t be a good Catholic if you don’t believe that!
  • God is magnificient, merciful and he loves everyone! You need to really believe that or this God will slap the door to Heaven in your face.
  • You don’t have to be circumcized if you want to be a good Catholic. That’s why Catholics are better than Jews.
  • You can’t be circumcised!!! Even if you had phimosis! Suffering is a way to salvation!
  • If you don’t agree with the above dogmas, give up now, because You won’t be a good Catholic.

Death of a Catholic

  • A Catholic should die in his bed while praying on his rosary and holding a blessed-wax candle in his hands. Of course there should be a priest next to him waiting for at least 10% of his will.
  • Every Catholic has to have a Catholic funeral (with obvious costs; the priest needs to sacrifice his time for that). There can’t be any heretic within 10 kilometres. Take care of any heretics in the area by using holy fire.
  • Actually, you can’t really take care of your own funeral arrangements. Well, you should force your family to give you an appropriate funeral but they can be lame and will not do it…Well, then your family is not really Catholic and, if the statements above are not fulfilled, You weren’t a good Catholic!


Well…If you came through this difficult way and you meet all requirements and you agree all statements…You are a good Catholic!!!

But if you miss even one requirement…then You are not a good Catholic. Your future depends on your choices. If you were a bad Catholic, you will go to hell. If you were a heathen, you will go to your own Heaven or Hell or in what you believe. If you were an atheist, it’s enough to engrave on your tomb, I’m not going anywhere!


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