Writer's Caffe

December 24, 2009


Filed under: Religion — amerkaj @ 9:17 pm
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Official corporate logo for Christmas.

How a person looks in traditional Christmas attire. Let this serve as a warning to the rest of you.

Christmas, invented by Coca Cola, is a public holiday celebrating the birth of Santa Claus. Or the invention of presents. Or something like that. It is commonly marked by streets lined with vibrant light displays, people wearing stupid red hats, vastly increased spending at most retail stores (including Best Buy and Wal Mart) and fake snow, despite the fact that it hasn’t actually snowed at Christmas for fifty thousand years. Annoying children are also a common sight, with their sugarplum bullshit taking up all the good commercial-watching time. All cultures have a midwinter festival, but Christians wanted their own name for their ritual whereby they honor the glory of parking in parking lots, eating live turkeys, biting the heads off of chickens and standing in lines. Christmas is also the only time of the year when rape is considered legal, as long as it performed under mistletoe.


The celebration of Christmas

In preparation for Christmas, the masses flock down at once to the town centre to buy their loved ones presents, often causing intense overcrowding, riots, stampeding, crushing, suffocation, death and misery. This period of pre-Yuletide humanitarian chaos is known as “Christmas shopping”. Usually it will last from around mid-morning on the 20th of December to late evening on the 24th of December, when the majority of the public gets off their asses and actually does something for their fellow people for a change.

Devout Christians and non-Christians alike celebrate Christmas on the 25th of December with the same rituals every year. Having wrapped their presents and placed them under the Christmas tree, children and parents emerge from their bedrooms, having had sleepless nights for very different reasons indeed. The children happily open their presents while the parents are just happy that the Christmas ordeal is mostly over for another year. They will eat turkey, drink alcohol and pull crackers filled with the notoriously tedious “Christmas cracker jokes” that drive more people to suicide than depression, mental illness and financial problems combined. They also present Christmas cards, but no one actually cares about those unless they’ve got money in.

There is no real standard for the kind, amount, or number of Christmas gifts presented; the only real requirement is that one’s credit card balances must have gone up by at least 165% with at least one card maxed out. If the giver hasn’t achieved this, then obviously the giver doesn’t love any of the people on his Christmas list and will die horribly alone and unloved in return. Remember: bankruptcy = love at Christmas time. They then gather around the TV or fireplace, and sing Christmas songs, classic holiday tunes such as “Every kiss begins with Kay,” “Snap Crackle & Poop”, and the holiday classic, “Welcome to Chili’s”. Also, people sometimes decorate their homes with bright Christmas lights, usually ones guaranteed to cause seizures. As part of the Christmas cheer, these lights are put up before thanksgiving and are left on until the Rapture.

What is the True Meaning of Christmas?

A Romanian family enact the nativity scene. In the same clothes they wear throughout the rest of the year. You can help end tragic displays of poverty like this by donating to Comic Relief.

“The true meaning of Christmas is going on shopping sprees and watching washout celebrities sing badly on T.V.”, says an expert on the holiday, “But some don’t see that. I, and many other Christians, am greatly concerned by the increasing tendency to honor the birth of Jesus Christ on this day. Don’t you people know what Christmas is all about? It’s all about wrapping paper, gift bags, parking lots, and discount prices!!!(And pretending to have spent lots of money on your mother-in-Law’s gift)”

However, in reality, to many people across the world Christmas is a time of coming together. Family and friends from across the country come together, to spend this most special of days. People who would otherwise die for each other – fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, friends and colleagues – meet up and with a little alcohol, little to do and the pressure of being happy, learn to hate each other.

“What Christmas is all about” is a common theme in literature and arts. In the animated holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, the main character, Charlie Brown, is depressed because he believes Christmas is too religious, and wants to know what Christmas is really all about. At the end, he finds out, when his friend makes a touching speech, quoting from a Wal-Mart catalog: “‘50% off on all holiday items!!!! Don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!’. That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!” Charlie Brown and his friends then go to a McDonald’s together, to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. In actuality, the true meaning of Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus. Of course, all the preachers and clergymen like to bullshit people with all this biblical crap about Jesus Christ and Christmas being related. Assholes… What do they know? And as far as I’m concerned ‘Santa Claus’ Is a wanted criminal, I mean he does break into people’s houses every year!

Replacement with “Holiday”

The card market changed to be more Generic in their cards, celebrating “Holidays” now instead

The Supreme Court has officially declared the word Christmas to be offensive and politically incorrect as we all now celebrate ‘Holiday’. The event is popular for celebrating the birth of “Generic, nameless savior and/or prophet,”, as well as the glory of “Intelligent, all-powerful being.” Holiday is one of the most popular celebrations in Scandinavia today.


Christmas is also called X-mas by fans of the X-Men, who celebrate the day as “International X-Men Day”. They believe that Jesus Christ was in fact a superhero. The Bible confirms this, listing such superpowers as healing, foretelling the future, heat vision, underwater breathing, flying, walking on water, super human strength and the ability to destroy evil with a wink of his eye and a thumbs up. Jewish and Islamic X-Men tend to believe that while Tom Jones was a hero, he was not a “super” hero.

X-Mas is also commonly typed online be people who are lazy piles of shit who can’t type 4 more letters in a word.

Is Christmas Losing it’s Commercial Origins?

Many people are growing concerned that the true meaning of Christmas, buying things at a discount store and then eating and drinking until you throw up, is being forgotten in today’s world. “I am greatly concerned by the amount of giving, caring, and honoring of God that took place this Christmas season,” says Wal Mart chairperson Melville Cardboard, “All this talk about Nativity, and loving those around you, and a season of joy? Have you people forgotten the meaning of Christmas?” There were serious concerns from atheists that Christmas was being infiltrated by religion.

these Raspberry Christmas Trees are popular among the red-green colorblind

Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican?

Celebrating Christmas in Mecca

Often depicted as an obese man wearing a tasteless red, ermine trimmed suit, Santa Claus is a self-employed Caucasian male who’s been married to the same woman for several centuries. It appears likely that he is a churchgoer, insofar as he is a Catholic saint and a former bishop. It has to be assumed here that Claus was released from his vows, or else he would not have been married.

Frequent arguments have erupted over the political affiliation of Claus. Ten years ago, Dick Cheney inadvertently dealt a savage blow to the morale of the Republican Party when he misidentified the political affiliation of Santa Claus in his best-selling book, Parliament of Whores. “Santa Claus,” he said, “is a Democrat.” However it is perfectly obvious from his demographic profile alone that Santa is in fact a Republican.

This assessment is often rebutted by Democrats with Anne-McCaffery counter-analysis: Santa Claus has no children. High-achieving professionals without children trend Democratic. While the Clausian canon does not specifically address the issue of Santa’s children, numerous extra-canonical sources suggest that Claus did, in fact, reproduce. Numerous Christmas TV movie specials alone support this point.

Santa is renowned for an aggressive adherence to a binary naughty/nice list, which suggests an impatience for nuanced moral positions that betrays his Republican preferences. Santa’s mere willingness to define individuals along a naughty/nice axis demonstrates his indifference to the philosophical stance of, say, The New York Times. And note that no canonical or extra-canonical Clausian text indicates that Santa ever attended college or, God forbid, graduate school.
Others still believe that Mr. Santa is an obvious Communist, the reincarnation of Karl Marx. In Soviet Russia, Santa gets presents from YOU!!!


December 21, 2009


Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 6:32 pm
Tags: , ,


You may be looking for Teenagers (Animal) and not even know it!

Get off my lawn!

~ Adults on teenagers

It's so unfair!

~ Teenagers on everything

Eddie found himself a white womens!

Teenagers have always been a threat to us. Always hanging around everywhere, causing trouble and whatnot. Setting a bad example for the young ones, the only ones that actually look up to them. I tell you, teenagers have never done anything for the greater good. If they aren’t out in the middle of the night causing trouble, chances are they’re laying around in the basement doing drugs or something of the sort. Teenagers are the number one factor for parents to kill their children just before their thirteenth birthdays, just to keep them from becoming teenagers. Never do anything for nobody, just out there causing trouble, day and night… lousy teenagers.



They been around for almost as long as Jesus. They didn’t start getting bad until after Marilyn Manson was in school. It was a coincidence that, as soon as s/he graduated, people started hearing “Oh, those teenagers have been causing trouble at the football games again,” or, “Oh, them teenagers are complaining about ‘so and so’ again.” Things really started to go downhill after the war though, and after old people began to make shitty uncyclopedia articles about teenagers, written entirely in the fuckin’ first person. Luckily, a local teenager who actually gives a shit about stuff cleaned it up so it looked more like an encyclopedia entry than a diary entry.

Anyway, they started having kids. They were everywhere, and adults began to dread the day they became their parents age; they thought they would be just the same. The day finally came along, and they turned out to be worse than their parents. Those Hippies started complaining about the governments, and the wars, which, according to meticulous research, was all those damn kids ever did.

Some still held out hoping that things would get better after the war, but as soon as the soldiers came back, they all just started being rude, lazy assholes. They refused to respect adults for what they did, and decided to shun them instead.

Today, the teenagers are much nicer. They don’t shoot anybody; they just sucker punch them. In rare occasions, they would go out of their way to make your life miserable. Blocking subway doors, staring at your “jugs”, blaring music, and talking loudly are, simply, their best asset. But, compared to today’s adults, teenagers are like a kitten, running away from a rabid raccoon, the adults. Damn bastards, trying to tell us what to do…

Now that’s hard work. I’m sure he never took life for granted.

Work Ethic

Who needs a work ethic with a sex drive like that anyway? Few “hard-working teenager” sightings have been reported since the 60’s. Back in the medieval times, women, young boys, and teenagers would have to wake up at 4:30 and go out in the bitter cold to feed the animals, milk the cows, bang a girl or two, collect the chicken eggs, and help make breakfast. Then they would have to walk 10 miles uphill, both ways, in the freezing rain, to go to school so we could get ourselves a proper education, so they would have the right to whine curmudgeonly about how hard it was. We also had to fight a troll on the way, but we recieve experience points for that. Today, the kids don’t have any work ethic, because times have changed.

Sure, most are spoiled and never do anything for themselves, (Except getting sex, lots and lots of sex. Plus drugs, lots of drugs.) If those old fucks had acted the way teenagers do now, they would have been flogged, doused in vinegar, and castrated. It doesn’t help that alleged parents of teenagers keep buying them all sorts of fancy gizmos, without expecting anything back from the lazy bums. It is expected of the majority of the teenaged population to have learned a thing or two before they become adults, says a recent study from the Newcastle Retirement Home research team.

Look at this teenager attacking Tokyo… tsk, tsk.

Social Complex

“Complex” is an understatement. A teenager’s social life is simple … all they have to do is sit around and talk on the phone all day, and if they ever even bother to get outside the house they always have “cellular electroradiotelephones” with them. They never seem to care about anyone but themselves, even when they’re in a relationship, they usually neglect each other and never seem to be with each other. Whens teens get together, they move in packs of 3,5,13, or any other odd number. Its not currently know why they group in odd numbers, but research is underway. If teens do get together, it’s always with a bunch of others of their kind, and their main ritual is causing trouble for everybody. It’s true, one teenager’s bad enough, but if a few of them congregate, it’s hell.

Other than just hanging out in little groups, one sees them alone, walking around. Attempts to be polite, have so far failed to elicit a reply. According to many senior citizens, it’s only fair that they are treated the same way. “Step on their toes, cane ’em in the knee, whatever I can think of to get back at ’em for all those years they took from me” is what Mr. Pitters, a token senior says on the issue. He’s not the only one either, just about all crotchety oldies feel the same way, especially those who participate in bingo, bacarat, or bridge. All of the old farts agrees that the world would be a better place if it weren’t for teenagers. They say this, of course, without realising that the world’s population would be wiped out without them, and that the old people themselves are more useless than they claim teenagers to be.


Sleeping habits of teenagers have been in high disarray. Other habits, like ugly girls who go to parties, get guys drunk, and come back home pregnant. One would feel sorry for them if it wasn’t what they were planning for in the first place.

Sleeping Habits

According to a WTAJNG (Why Teens Are Just No Good) survey, these are teenagers’ favorite activies.

Teenagers don’t usually go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. They claim they’re studying their books. But The Royal Society of Retired Batshits figure that if they would actually study, they’d get better grades and do something with their life, instead of just lying around. Anyway, since they don’t get to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning, they usually don’t wake up until 1 or 2.

They might show up to school late and blame it on studying, but they normally just don’t bother. They end up sitting in the basement some more, blaring music so loud everyone in town can hear. Better than the weekends I suppose, they tend to stay up about twice as late those nights, and they’re always a lot more rowdy in lieu of parties. Teenagers are rarely seen during the day when the aged populace is out and about.

Eating Habits

The eating habits are probably the most interesting thing, which isn’t saying much. They’re only interesting because they vary so much. You see, the males will eat anything in sight, cause they all want to be big and strong…much like fat people, only they don’t get fat. But some of them do.

The guys all want to be big and strong, much like Chuck Norris, but the girls all like to be small and skinny because they think it makes them prettier. In this case, anorexia can be a problem. To solve it, tell her she’s skinny enough, and maybe, JUST maybe, she’ll stick her finger down her throat and “blow chunks” on your Ecko shirt or your Timberland shoes. How do you like them apples? Not tasty, are they?

Strange thing is, though, they never seem to eat in front of each other. Too embarrassed I guess. I always see them alone, at home, munching on whatever they can find usually. What they eat is never very healthy, always chips, or cookies, or mac and cheese. Or, if they’re extremely fat, lazy, or just don’t feel like it, nothing at all. They don’t seem to worry much about their health, and yet most of them never get ill. It’s miraculous how teenagers can do anything and not get hurt, sick, or, in rare circumstances, laid. It’s like they’re…invincible! They’re like the modern-day Supermen! Seniors, a word of caution: you might not want to jump off a building on a skateboard. You might…crack a hip. That’s it. Crack a hip. Where a teenager would only get a skinned knee, not crack their head open or a hip.

Role in Society

Teenagers don’t do anything at all to help the community, except when they’re caught shoplifting and have to do community service. It doesn’t work to educate them, but at least they can’t cause harm when they’re at it. According to the stereotype, teenagers only seem to harm society, if you think about it. They are always breaking the law by drinking, doing drugs, loitering, and making Chuck Norris jokes.


Overall, teenagers aren’t much good for anything. Not good for working, not good for teaching, and not good for talking to. They’re pretty much not good for anything, other than the occasional cane-beating by pissed off old fogies who take out their anger by bitching on uncyclopedia in an unfunny way. Although, if we ever run out of food, one could just eat a few of them. Hell, it didn’t do me any harm.

The Free World

Filed under: Serious things (whatever) — amerkaj @ 6:30 pm
Tags: , ,

The Free World

An original advertisement promotes the Free World as a teeth whitener, fashion accessory and family planning utility. Pictured is the McDonald’s family, father Time-Warner McDonald’s, mother Disney McDonald’s and sons Lockheed-Martin and Ralph. The family is shown enjoying all the Freedom they can afford.

I've got news for you. You are MINE now! You belong to ME!!!

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Free World

There's a woman in the night/red, white, and blue/she's cookin up crack/to sell to you

~ Neil Young on Women in the Free World

Fuck the free world!

~ Eminem as B-Rabbit

The Free World™ is perhaps one of largest and most used social networking applications in existence. It was created in 1946 by the United States Government, the IMF, CIA, Disney and Time Warner. Entry into the Free World is free, hence the name, but users must agree to allow a large amount of their personal space to be put aside for advertising, sales, promotions, link exchanges, cold calling, sign boards, leaflets, inserts, flyers, pop-up windows, airships and singing telegrams.

The Free World™ is a division of The Known World ™ and is not to be confused with the Expensive World™, which is generally more fantastic than you could possibly dream of, but costs a fortune to get into. At the time of writing, the Free World has about 37 billion users and almost all of them complain about the telephone queuing system.



The Free World was famously created by two social misfits, in the back of a garage, in 1946. John Maynard Keynes and Walter Disney used to enjoy spending their Saturday afternoons just “messing about with valves, concepts, wiring, economics and lightbulbs”, to use their own words.

Invented by accident

The story goes that when Keynes accidentally emptied pipe tobacco onto one of Walter’s pet hamsters, the unfortunate animal caught fire and began to run really fast inside its wheel, causing a lightbulb to turn on in the kitchen next door. Staring at the light, the duo realised that it should be possible to create a social system powered by electricity, planned economics, and a dancing mouse. They literally jumped around in circles on making this discovery – while the hamster celebrated by transforming into a small pile of hamster-shaped ashes.

Financial backing

As Keynes and Disney tried to gather support for their idea, they were largely met with ridicule, until one fateful day when they approached the United States Government for a demonstration. When Disney plugged the world in and all the lights came on, all the government officials went “ooooooohhhhh….” and “aaaaaaaahhhhhh….” in amazement, a reaction that is very rare for a government official. Soon afterwards, Keynes and Disney had the backing of the president and the army. And after that, no one ever laughed at them again.

Game Play

Users of the Free World compete with each other for items such as:

  • Trainers
  • Shopping coupons
  • Pop tarts
  • Furbies
  • Surround sound
  • Guns
  • Petrol
  • Mating rights
  • Used bus tickets
  • Plastic cups
  • Everything else

Each month, the user with the best pair of trainers wins a badge, the user with the most pop tarts is admitted to hospital and the user with the most guns changes all the rules to suit themselves.

Making Friends

This user carries a special notebook for writing all his new friends in.

Users also need to try and make as many friends as possible. On starting the game a user is given a free anorak with mittens attached to the sleeves by string, but no friends. Many users just take the anorak and spend the game eating happy meals at home while watching porn. Actually making friends requires an investment in trainers, iPods, hairstyles and cocktails, and there is always the ever-present risk of having everyone pointing at you and laughing and laughing until they are hoarse, and then going out with all their friends and laughing again, helplessly, while tears run down their cheeks.

Once some friends have been made, a user often wants to determine who their real friends are and who are not genuine. This can be done, for example, by going bankrupt and wandering around the streets begging for money. At that point, the free anorak suddenly becomes useful.

Some users develop lasting relationships which in turn fuels competition for more surround sound televisions and pop tarts.


Despite the name, money is very important for playing the Free World. It is a strict rule of the application that money doesn’t grow on trees – unlike in the Expensive World, where it not only grows on trees, but often floats discreetly into the wallets of passers-by and makes them feel all fuzzy inside. On entry into the Free World many users expect that the money grows on trees, but in fact, a slight alteration in the small print by the IMF means that money actually grows in trees. Its just that the tree needs to be cut down, pulped, made into paper and be printed on before the money actually manifests itself. All of this, of course, costs money.


America is the undisputed operator of the Free World, and its current administrator, George Wallet Bush is always going on about how great the Free World is, and how he wants to make it even bigger and use even more advertising to pay for it all. Mr. Bush is distantly related to the tree family, and hence has lots of money. It also helps that he actually lives in the Expensive World where money grows on trees. He never uses the Free World, for fear of being shot, like Kennedy was when he accidentally drove into it. Bush prefers to talk to users via television, and he likes a simple direct approach of speaking, uncluttered by facts or truth, that appeals directly for the hearts of those who live free. If he can collect enough hearts, he’ll be able to open a new burger plant near his Premium Ranch and then sell the hearts back to their owners minced and with a special sauce

Advantages of the Free World

The main advantage of the Free World is that membership is free and open to all. Birth is the only qualification required. On being born into the Free World, a user is registered for a job, stamped, named and entered into a database for marketing, promotions and messages from interested companies or partners. They are then free to wander about the Free World at will, looking in shop windows, trying to find an apartment that doesn’t smell like fungus and eating out of the dustbins while looking for a friend.

The other main advantages of the Free World, according to its owners and operators, are that it is guaranteed to be free of Communists and very nearly free of terrorists. The owners of the Free World ensure that Communists and most terrorists are kept out of it by using various tried and tested procedures such as really big fences, asking people at airports if they are a terrorist, and thousands of nuclear warheads. Occasionally, a terrorist or two does sneak in and cause a nuisance, but most users just shrug their shoulders and carry on, since it’s free, after all.

Disadvantages of the Free World

Disney produced this DVD so that inhabitants of the Free World can get a glimpse of how fantastic everything is in the Expensive World – which is nice of them since most users will never actually get to live there.

The main disadvantage of the Free World is that it is not the Expensive World™. Entry into the Expensive World carries the same birth requirement but in addition to that costs about sixty million, five thousand and forty three dollars and sixty seven cents. Inhabitants of the Free World are permitted to watch the inhabitants of the Expensive World on TV, but this is not really advisable. As the famous Free World wit Rolf Harris once quipped: ”

The Free World
There is only one thing worse than eating a stale kebab, and that’s eating a stale kebab while watching some tanned millionaire kebab merchant roller skating around the deck of his 900 foot yacht.
The Free World

Relationship with the Expensive World

The border between the Free World and the Expensive World is six miles wide, nine miles deep and filled with sharks. Armed guards patrol the walls and huge spikes stick out of it at all angles. There is a heavily guarded tunnel formed from 2 golden arches under a mountain for allowing entry to those with enough money – or the lucky few that are allowed through for various medical experiments.

The odd anomaly

From time to time, elements of the Free World and Expensive World overlap. For example, a car from the Expensive World utilising an automatic warp drive function may find itself in the Free World by mistake. This has varied consequences ranging from minor abnormalities in the space-time continuum to large scale riots and military intervention. If the owner of the car carries an American Express card, he can order an immediate missile strike on anyone who touches his car. In the Expensive World, American Express does nicely.

The Free World in Modern Culture

The popular songsmith, Neil Young, wrote a song all about collecting rocks in the Free World, called “Rockin’ in the Free World“. Neil’s point is that rocks are laying around everywhere for free and no one needs to advertise them because nobody really has any use for a rock. But if we all just kept on “rockin'” – that is – collecting rocks in a big bag, then rocks would suddenly become expensive and we’d all be rich. No one listens to Neil, though, as he is a man far ahead of his, or indeed any, time.

That old woman next door

Filed under: People — amerkaj @ 6:26 pm
Tags: , , ,

That old woman next door

She’s up there… watching, waiting, smoking…

Jesus Christ, she's old!!

~ Neighbor on That old woman next door

You know, for an old hag, she's quite fine in the bag

~ Oscar Wilde on That old woman next door

That's not humanly possible!

~ records of That old woman next door born in 1801 A.D.

That old woman next door has owned her house since before you were born. Her house isn’t like anyone else’s house, because it’s really old, and has a tower. The siding is badly weathered, and there is a tin patch on the roof.


Her habits

The old woman leaves her house twice each week. Every Sunday morning, she is picked up by a man in a green Cadillac; on Wednesday evenings, it’s a white-haired lady in a blue Dodge Dart, chewing on a German Snackard.

Once, your mother sent you over to her house with a piece of mail that got delivered to your house by mistake. Just when you got up on the porch and were about to put it in her box, she came out and grabbed your wrist and wanted to know “what you thought you were doing” with her mail. When you told her that your mother sent you over because the postman dropped the letter in your mailbox by mistake, she got this crazed look in her eyes, tightened the grip on your wrist, and said “we’ll see about that.” Then she let go of your wrist and disappeared inside. After that, if you found any of her mail left by mistake, you just threw it away, because you didn’t want to have to deal with that crazy old bitch ever again.

Her family

A rare glimpse of the Old Woman Next Door.

The guy driving the Cadillac is her son, Delmar. Delmar has a wife that he found in a catalog called Cherry Blossoms, and a couple of kids, but they don’t come along with Delmar every time he visits. When they do, your mother tells you to be really nice to his son Les, but not to get too close to him. And whatever you do, do not let him show you that “neat-o” collection of toys that he has in the barn behind the house. Evidently “Leslie” went to a special school because he wanted to be a doctor, and he’s been caught playing “hospital” a few too many times with other kids in the neighborhood. If you won’t go into the barn with him, he’ll pass the time using a magnifying glass to burn ants to death on the sidewalk, because the old lady doesn’t like him going into the house either.

Delmar’s daughter, for some reason, parades around the front yard hoping that you’ll notice that she’s playing alone. She’s playing alone because she’s the sort of girl who starts out being a fun playmate, but then she starts wailing on you. When her mother catches that going on, she comes over and starts yelling at you, and then bitch-slaps her daughter and tells her to get in the car and be quiet.

Meanwhile, the old lady’s daughter Marla is, in fact, a vampire. You know this because you heard your parents call her a Lady of the Night one evening after they saw her leave the old lady’s house. And if you think about it, you’ve never seen her in the daytime. As a matter of fact, the only other time you ever saw her is when your father pointed her out on a street corner while she was supposed to be “working.” But she wasn’t wearing a cape, just hot pants and a spandex jacket.

What’s inside?

I tried to get a picture of all the cats but they just scatter before I can get close enough. Except for this black cat, it just sits there and stares at me.

Your mother has been in the old woman’s house just once. That was when the rescue squad arrived and put the old woman on a stretcher, and took her to the hospital after something bad happened to her. When you asked your mother what was in there, her response was: “Well, just what do you think is in there?”

Well, if you knew what was in there, you wouldn’t have to ask! Duh?

Of course, you have no idea what’s in there, because the windows that face your house always have the shades drawn. But what ever it is that’s in there, it smells like fried food and Camel cigarettes. You never see anything actually happening in there either, and every Halloween the place is as dark as pitch.

Indeed, the only time that you’ve ever seen anything even remotely resembling human activity in that house was on two occasions when you were outside playing, and you happened to look up at her house and see into one of the windows just before the lace curtain twitched and closed. Once, when you were up in your room in the middle of the night, you got up and pulled the shade aside just wide enough look over to the house — and you saw the tip of her cigarette glowing red-hot from the dark window facing yours. She must not have noticed you, because she smoked that entire cigarette.

Delivery of Oxygen

The old lady next door now has an oxygen canister delivered to the house every Monday morning by a man in a truck. She’s on oxygen because she’s ruined her lungs smoking those cigarettes. According to her grandson, she hasn’t quit smoking even though there is a danger sign on the side of the oxygen canister telling her not to smoke anywhere near it. But she lights up anyway, one right off the other. You just hope that when she does go kaboom she’ll be somewhere else, like church.

What’s under her porch?

There are hundreds of cats that live under her back porch, to whom she feeds scraps that don’t smell very good. When the cats get really hot, twice a year, they complain loudly by wailing in an ungodly chorus of sounds that make you wonder: are they suffering, or are they having fun? Sort of like what your parents sound like when they go into their room to discuss something really important and flip the lock on the door.


One day, after the Mormons visited your house, your mom got really excited. It wasn’t just because they had left – it was because the next house down the street was hers. You both looked out the window to see what would happen. When they got near the house, one of them started toward it, but the other Mormon grabbed his arm and pulled him back. And here you thought Mormons weren’t afraid of anything.

December 16, 2009

Universal Truths

Filed under: Serious things (whatever) — amerkaj @ 10:04 am
Tags: , ,

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard
32) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Things I’ve learned on movies and TV.

Filed under: Serious things (whatever) — amerkaj @ 9:54 am
Tags: ,

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. That will finish in a sex scene.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: “Enter Password Now”.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. In addition, every front door can be opened from the outside without having to use a key.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
16. Any bullet from a handgun has enough force to throw a full-grown man ten feet back.
17. Characters will always find a parking space right in front of the building they’re going to even in a large metropolitan city where parking is basically impossible.
18. Characters at a bar or at a restaurant table will always get the attention of a server at the exact moment they need to order.
19. When a gift/present is given, the top is wrapped separately from the rest of the box and it lifts straight off so that there is never any ripping or fumbling with wrapping paper.
20. A chase scene on foot in a city always has a shot of one of the characters running into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.
21. Anytime a character in an awful rush confronts another character curious about his predicament, the first one says, “There’s no time to explain,” and then explains anyway.
22. No matter how slow zombies walk they will always catch up.
23. The bad guy will always throw his gun at you to indicate he has run out of bullets.
24. A candle or table lamp can light a whole room and at night time, it’s blue.
25. If the main guy is in love with the main girl, he will always get her in the end, even if she’s married. If she is married, her husband will always say “oh well, if it makes you happy”… and he’ll never go to beat the crap out of the other guy.
26. If you are in a film, it is easy for you to master the skill of controling any vehicle you need, weather it be landing a plane, for example.
27. Everybody when needing a computer can type supper fast and never need to hit the space bar!
28. Computers never freeze or crash, unlike in the real world.
29. The computers have super duper graphics programes which can zoom into blurs in fotos to make them super clear!
30. The best way to get laid is to put on some slow jazz music.
31. Everytime the “hero” is sneeking into the bad guy’s room, checking secret files on the computer:
1a. The password is already typed in.
1b. The password is very simple.
2. There appears a very slow bar saying “copying”, “deleting” or “printing” and it is finished just before the bad guy, the security guard or the mexican cleaner comes in.
3. In addition to your non-booting computer, they are also turned off in a flash.
4. All the characters, even the blonde bimbo’s put in to lure us to the cinema, became all-knowing super-mega-nerds once behind a computer. They always know what to do and how to avoid things.
32. Good guys never panic, they stay cool at point black range, and bluff their way out with the “you could surely use me in your plan” crap.
33. Heavy guns, for example on helicopters, cause cosmetic damage to the hero’s transport, but one bullet makes the chopper blow up.
34. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.
35. You can find whatever you want on the net in a matter of seconds.
36. If in a battle scene a bad guy actually manages to shoot a good guy, the good guy’s friend has the time to listen to his friend’s dying speech. Once dead, the friend stands up and shoots the correct bad guy (amongst a whole host of bad guys). The bad guy has apparently been sitting around just waiting to be shot!!
37. No Australian movie is complete without one of this:
1. A Kangaroo.
2. A Boomerang.
3. Ayers Rock.
4. A Koala.
5. All of the above.
38. When someone uses a TV remote it makes a clicking sound that is impossible to replicate by existing remotes.
39. When gunfire erupts in public places and cops respond instantly to it, they’re usally killed by the first shots.
40. When gunfire erupts in public, where there are no cops, they take forever to arrive, but they can still chase the gunmen.
41. Detectives can watch a drug deal (carried out furtively in a shop doorway) go down from a distance of five yards away by the simple expedient of sitting in a car with a newspaper raised to eye level.
42. Cats always make a noise. If someone is creeping into a house and is momentarily scared by a cat, it always has to meow before running off.
43. A woman being chased by a murderer will always fall over, either because she’s running in stilettos or is ridiculously clumsy.
44. Serial killers never just die… they will remain still for ages so that the hero is fooled and walks right past them… at which point the killer grabs their ankle and then keeps fighting.
45. It is possible to drive safely for long periods with your head turned completely away from the road ahead, either in conversation or looking at a map.
46. People brush their teeth before eating breakfast but not afterwards, at which point they run out the door with a piece of toast in their mouth.
47. Aussie accents in American films always sound like a mix of Cockney, South African and New Zealander. And they say things like “Streuth!” and “Blimey!”
48. The bad guy’s sexy girl will try to seduce the good guy, then when that fails will beat him up using martial arts. That while wearing skintight leather, lycra and stilettos.
49. Women can never find their car keys while being pursued by a killer. Once they do find them, it takes them ages to fumble the keys
into the ignition, giving the killer enough time to reach the car and pound on the window.
50. Somehow cars take several turns of the key to start but only when someone is chasing you.
51. Every bad guy knows how to tie really complicated knots… which somehow the good guy manages to untie.
52. A person investigating strange noises in their house always finds that the lights don’t work, then stumble around in the dark rather than getting a torch. At least one of the noises they hear will turn out to be made by a cat.
53. When a cat eats a fish, it leaves the skeleton perfectly reserved and intact.
54. Dogs always bark at ghosts.
55. Vicious guard dogs can be easily distracted with a piece of steak.
56. Mice can somehow fashion a perfectly semi-circular entrance to their dwelling.
57. A small goat is capable of propelling a fully grown man through the air by butting him in the ass with it’s horns.
58. Many animals, when they consume alcohol, will take on human drunken characteristics, usually to the sound of a trombone being played.
59. Anytime a person is expecting a bad guy to jump out at them, often they’ll sigh in relief when it’s just the cat, or the wind, or a tree branch against the window. But as soon as they let their guard down and laugh at their “silliness”, they’re going to be attacked by the bad guy that really was there after all.
60. When someone puts a baby down to bed, that baby coos and smiles, and then just goes right off to sleep. It’s amazing.
61. If someone jumps off a bridge into a river, lake, etcetera, the water will always be deep enough to keep them from getting hurt. But when a bad guy falls from a river, he/she’s good as gone.
62. Police officers never wait for back-up.
63. The only time people do say hello on the telephone is when it turns to be the bad guy on the other end of line calling to torment them.
64. Bad things usually happen to women who are alone in the house on stormy nights.
65. If you are driving somewhere on any other route other than a city roadway, you will probably have that road all to yourself and will not pass or be passed by another vehicle.
66. In the movies everyone seems to have some odd “L shaped” sheets on their beds able to cover a woman up to her neck and her partner up to his waste.
67. Being around a bomb causes time to slow down.
68. Bad guys die instantly, good guys die slowly.
69. When the good guy is being attacked by a gang, they will run at him one at a time while the rest stay (in the case of ninjas, dance) around in a menacing manner, allowing him to kick all of their asses by the time the scene is over.
70. Most of police investigations will require at least one visit to a strip club.
71. You can jump from a tall building and land on mattresses, a pile of boxes, or a dumpster full of garbage and, though you might groan and be a little slow getting up, you will not sustain any serious injury.
72. It’s very easy to fool the security guards at highly top secret government institutions.
73. It’s very easy for a computer hacker to break a security code and find just the information he’s looking for in less than a minute.
74. If you’re a criminal mastermind, you cannot just shoot the hero in the back, you have to tie him up and wait for some diabolical machine to finish the hero off and you can’t wait around to make sure it works, which allows the hero a chance to escape, which he always does because apparently no bad guy ever got his knot tying badge in the boy scouts.
75. When an ugly girl takes off her glasses, gets a haircut, and puts on nice clothes she is suddenly very hot.
76. No matter who you are calling, no matter what time you are making the call, the person you’re calling will always answer the phone, usually after only one or two rings. Of course, this assumes you aren’t running from a killer while trying to make a call on a cell phone, in which case there is a 100% chance that either the battery will be dead or you won’t be able to get a signal.
77. Whenever you put on a seatbelt, you will get into an accident.
78. The good guy always has the cooler cell phone.
79. If you chase someone through a park you will never step in dog poop or chewing gum, but you will always step on someone’s picnic.
78. No matter how crowded the bar is, there are always extra stools available right in front of a bartender who is just standing there waiting for someone to order.
80. People who oversleep and get woken up by phone calls go straight to work without making the bed, but when they get home at night, their bed is made.
81. People in movies rarely have to shave, and whenever a guy does shave, he will be interrupted while half finished, and will wipe the remaining shaving cream off with a towel. Of course, even the part he didn’t get to shave will be perfectly smooth.
82. When a good guy enters a house, he/she will avoid every shot of machine gun fire while killing a lot of bad guys. He/she doesn’t need to reload his pistol until he runs out of ammo, which coincidentially happens when the main bad guy appears, at which point he fights him/her hand to hand.
83. In battle, a normal peon soldier is shot with one bullet and instantly drops dead to the ground, while the protagonist in said battle can be shot in various places by multiple shooters, and survive with a few bandages and a cast.
84. It doesn’t matter who you call, if they choose not to answer their phone you will get their voicemail in less than 1.5 rings.
85. A devious villain will immediately shoot a non-important character whenever needed without hesitation. However when he finally has the chance to kill the hero seeking to craft his doom, he will undoubtedly hold a firearm trained on said protagonist for at least 90 seconds while performing a well-written soliliquoy. This delay is all the hero needs to escape.
86. When a woman is being pursued by a scary serial killer that she knows is in her house, she will always run upstairs instead of out of the house.
87. You can break into any house or door with a credit card.
88. The bad guy will always tell the good guy every detail about his masterplan instead of just shooting him.
89. Whenever a guy and a girl hop into a bed together in three seconds the girl will start moaning and will be close to climaxing. Plus the guy will always put a minimal effort, after all she will still be screaming and moaning away.
90. When someone has stopped breathing and has no pulse, simply breathing into her mouth twice and looking extremely distressed while screaming “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” will bring her back to life immediately.
91. In a TV episode where someone will probaly die, there’s always an extra character that no one has ever seen before to kill him.
92. Aliens will always have more advanced techonology than us.
93. When you turn on the tv, the news will always be on.
94. People never obey warnings.
95. There’s always a corrupt police officer.
96. Movie theatres and drive-ins only show classic horror movies.
98. If you meet a member of the opposite sex, and you both hate each other… don’t worry… you’ll eventually fall in love with each other.
99. Major disasters always happen in New York.
100. The President is always very considerate and well-spoken. Not to mention he always is able to fly a jet fighter when needed.

Write a paper in college/university

Filed under: How2: — amerkaj @ 8:55 am
Tags: , ,

How to write a paper in college/university:

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee.  Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3z off of kazaa.

13. Check your email. ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR YET?!

14. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3z and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You’ve probably run out.

19. While you’ve got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some solitare (or age of legends!).

23. Check out bored.com.

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven’t started either.

26. Look through your housemate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if bored.com has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3z.

30. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am – start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.

December 14, 2009

Make A Metal Song

Filed under: Music — amerkaj @ 3:46 pm
Tags: , , ,

HowTo:Make A Metal Song

This article needs love
This article is currently in a bad state, but all it needs is a little love.
Please give some love by rewriting it.

This is NOT a heavy metal band

What a load of shit.

~ Oscar Wilde on Heavy metal music

There's more music in a Billy Goat shitting in a tin can!

~ Old people on Heavy metal and Goats shitting in a billy can

I'm too tough to let this article offend me!!

~ Metal Head on this article

What a load of bullocks.

~ The Sex Pistols on Heavy metal music

I'm not smart enough to let this article offend me!!

~ Another Metal Head on this article

So you’re in a heavy metal band and want to create a heavy metal song? Well you’ve come to the wrong place – as you see, heavy metal songs require no talent to make. Heavy metal music is just a guitar, bass and drums playing as loud as possible with a loud, deep, scary voice just yelling over the top.


Step 1: Getting A Band Together

So you have decided to fill this world with just a litlle bit more hate and crap music? well creating a metal band is a great way to make new friends! (but mostly enemies). first your going to have to find yourself some band members, dont worry too much about their talent or music knowledge this is one genre you dont have to worry about those things! members of metal band usually fits into these catagoreys:

This is what you are looking for. Note: the coolness
  • The Quiet artistic one who plots a mass shooting
  • The bald one with the orange beard
  • The one with 2 brain cells and is only in the group because of his ability to scream and kick the shit out of people
  • The short skinny one that can kinda sing, but really cannot but leave him alone cause that just shows how deep he is!!!
  • The one with really festy hair
  • The sexual maniac
  • The Woman

Step 2: Choosing your Genre

Thid style of music is reknown for having over 50 dirent genres that sound the same here are a few to get a basic idea, it is important that you choose a genre that you feel comfortable with (another popular idea is to claim to be another genre other then metal like say Psycadelic Rock, but really not being like that genre at all. a good example being the band Tool):

  • Gay
  • Knida Gay
  • Black metal
  • Kinda Black Metal
  • Screamo metal
  • Gothic Metal
  • bloody screamo black metal

Step 3: Create a name for your song

First of all, you must make a name for your song. Most heavy metal bands will just choose some sick name for their songs (eg. Cum Is Yum, Bloody Face, Chainsaw In The Cunt, Anal Bleeding, I Cum On Your Grave). generally people in a heavy metal band have a low IQ so we could not think up any names so learn from the experts:

File:Chain saw in the cunt.gif

Once you choosen that, you must make the lyrics.

Step 4: Making the lyrics

When creating lyrics, the aim is make them at the least musically possible. This can be done by repeating the name of your song into the microphone very loudly. But who really cares? You could just say anything into the microphone very loudly and no-one would understand you, everyone is just listening to the loud noise anyway.

Example of heavy metal lyrics:


Any questions? good, now let’s move on.

Step 5: Make a loud noise

Ok, so now you’ve come up with lyrics and now you need some loud, shitty noise behind you. First of all, make sure the Guitar is on as loud as it can go then turn distortion on, now play a really simple power cord on the lowest string you can (commonly referred to as power chord E5) contrasting it with a very high sreching solo. Then, with the Bass, turn it up to full volume as well, but instead of putting distortion on, just hit the top string as hard as you can at any speed you want. And finally, Drums, it’s quite simple really, just hit as many drums as you can as fast and loud as you can.

Step 6: The form of a Metal Song

After listening to a few metal songs you will find that they genraly follow the same form this form is the: Soft – Build – Scream – Rinse and Repeate method, we surgest this method if you would like to attract a emale audience alternativly you gan just use the Scream Method

Step 7: Play your piece of shit song

Now you just get a gig and make everyone listen to your awful music. It’s simple!

After that, your band will be as cool as these guys!

List of Heavy metal bands

Here are a list of bands just as shit as yours:

Judas Priest

Iron Maiden

Fisted Bleeding Cunt

Black Sabbath

Ozzy Osbourne

I cum blood into the devils arse hole

Alice Cooper

Rage Against The Machine


Torso Rape


Avenged Sevenfold


Nine Inch Nails




Cannibalysm is Grrrrrrreatttt

Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell

The Bob Doles

The Osmonds


List of not Heavy metal bands

Here are a list of bands that you will never be as good as:

The Beatles

Pink Floyd

Led Zeppelin

Deep Purple


The Doors

Rolling Stones

Guns N’ Roses

Jimmi Hendrix


Enough Z’Nuff

See Also

  • Heavy Metal
  • ARGH! My Ears!
  • Deafness
  • Shit
  • Guitar
  • Bass
  • Drums
the witer of tis aticl is a 2yr old.
plese help fix all the speeling mistkaes!

December 13, 2009

Skip School

Filed under: How2: — amerkaj @ 11:34 am
Tags: ,

HowTo:Skip School

The actors from Grease skipped school at Fagi Hayr High to go to this photo shoot for a Gay/Straight Alliance advertisement.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

~ Ferris Bueller on Philosophy

Didn’t study for the big algebra test? “Lost” your homework? Poverty got you down? Pieces of evidence surrounding the “extra-curricular activities” scandal with your teacher slowly coming into the eye of justice? Never fear! Skipping school is here to save the day!

Now, you may ask, what is this alleged, so-called “skipping of school?” How does it affect me, and more importantly, my tax dollars? How do I, a simple everyman with naught but the clothes on my back and some lint in my pocket, “skip” a “school”? Hey, hey, slow down there, sonny boy! We’ll get to that! Just sit back, relax, and try not to do anything stupid.


So you’re going to commit truancy: the basics of skipping school

For whatever the reason, you’ve decided to skip school. Congratulations! That was more or less the hardest part. Now that you have this goal in mind, you must not back down. If you back down now, you will be readily mocked by your peers and made a pariah. You will be a wimp. Oh, and that nervous tingle in your stomach is called Peer Pressure. Don’t worry! Not only is the feeling temporary, but will help you make some of the best decisions in your life! With time, you will learn to use peer pressure to your advantage as a scapegoat[1]. But until such a time comes, just follow the tingle through the path of Truancy.

But what is Truancy? Webster’s defines Truancy as “an act or instance of playing truant; the state of being truant“. It defines Truant as “What you are when you are committing truancy“… But seriously, what is truancy? Basically, it is the act of skipping school in a country where compulsory schooling is the law. It was invented in the 1700s by three rambunctious schoolyard chums who, rather than walk uphill both ways in a blizzard to get to school at 5:00 in the morning, decided to hang out all day at the pub. A wise decision, in retrospect; a day in which three 17-year-old farm boys would otherwise be learning rudimentary math skills turned into a legacy that would begin and end in their local school flogging room. Still, the idea caught on, especially after the banning of most forms of corporal punishment in United States schools (except for Massachusetts).


At this time it is worth noting that, in many countries such as the U.S. and U.K., truancy is illegal. However, this bullet can be dodged easily by making up excuses.

The Classic: “I’m sick”

Feigning sickness is not only a primary warning sign of Hypochondria, but also a relatively easy excuse for getting out of school. Most non-military schools will allow sickness and/or injuries as a valid excuse for skipping school. There are two ways to use sickness as an absence excuse: faking a disease, and intentionally catching one. For the sake of completeness, we’ll cover both aspects of what has been called the “classic” excuse.

First, we’ll go over faking it. Widely acknowledged to be the easier and often less painful side of this excuse, faking it can be accomplished in many ways with a variety of methods. However, all one must really keep in mind are these things:

  1. Choose a disease to be “infected” with beforehand. Do your research. If you pretend to display common symptoms of a common cold, such as sniveling, coughing, and sneezing, it will seem more like you have a cold. If you shiver, make yourself vomit and go into fake convulsions, it will seem like a realistic case of Malaria. Be creative!
  2. If possible, act sick the night previous to your absent day. This not only makes your alleged health problem seem more “legit”, but also you may get the added bonus of being treated with high-inducing prescription/cough medicine.
  3. Control your coughing. This can never be stressed enough. Coughing too little may make you seem healthy enough to endure seven hours of non-stop schoolwork, but coughing too much may lead to the discovery that you’re faking it. Take an acting class if necessary, preferably one on the finer points of fake coughing.
  4. While there are several ways of being “found out” that you’re faking, few are more foolproof than being taken to a doctor. Avoid this at all costs. Supposing the doctor is both competent and not easily susceptible to bribes, you will be discovered, and likely have your ass whooped by your father later.

How to intentionally catch diseases can be summed up in two words: Lick things. And remember, if you have trouble getting sick with the licking method, remember: if your tongue doesn’t feel like sandpaper, and doesn’t turn your finger brown to the touch, you aren’t licking enough things.

For females only. Refer to your school nurse if you are unsure whatever gender you are. But that will involve going to school. Pretend to have menstrual cramps. (Its one of the rare “sickness” normal people won’t find out) In the morning, lie on your bed all limp and bent. Act weak while in agony. If your acting is superb, cry a little but pretend to be enduring the pain. Show that the pain is so acute that it prevents you from preparing for school, much less even attend school. Get your mum to write a note to the school stating the cause of your absence. You can even ask her to include a subscript saying that you don’t want to be embarrassed by your classmates knowing the reason and ask your teacher not to disclose it. This could even prevent your teacher from asking awkward questions.

What to do for the rest of the day? First lie in. go back to sleep so you won’t have to fake the agony which can become real agony from faking too much. Wait till its too late to go to school, then announce that the pain is gone and you are feeling “much better”. This will suffice as a reason for you to resume your leisure activities for the rest of the day. Good Luck!

The Dead Relative

Ol’ gramps here looks just about ready to bump off. 3 day weekend!

The dead relative is harder and riskier to pull off than the sick excuse, but can also be more rewarding. The premise, if nothing else, is simple enough; fake that you must attend the funeral of a late relative. As with the sick excuse, faking it is the primary and easy method, but in this case it’s better not to hire an assassin to kill your old auntie Barbara, as this may lead to a longer break from school than is desired. Faking it can become quite elaborate, and entire stunt crews, special effects teams, and Steven Spielbergs can be hired to publicly fake a death – in style.

Be wary when using this, though, as many a bored school secretary has researched whether or not your Old uncle Chad really died of Herpes, or even existed. To avoid this, try to use an existing relative rather than making one up, but make sure that either that relative is already dead or one of your incredibly obscure anarcho-primitivist second cousins thrice removed, who lives in a jungle and survives off of the rare bumbleberry fruit.

That, or with a little patience you could simply wait for one to die, so long as your little “day off” isn’t incredibly urgent. In fact, statistics show that at least 99.9% of all people born will eventually die. With such a high death rate, I’m sure any number of your various aunts, uncles, or otherwise are ready to give out at any time, without warning.

The Note

For all you forgers out there, we’ve got a challenge for you! Notes are an awesome power, dealing nothing less than absolute pardoning of all absent days. The note is not only a great way to get out of school, but also, on a smaller scale, to get out of P.E. Assuming you go to private school, you probably already know cursive for the signatures, and, supposing you went to public school, well… you can write at least, right? Well…can you read? No? Then how the hell are you reading this? Is your friend reading this for you? Well, then, get him to do everything for you. Seriously, why are you even freeloading off him in the first place? No, wait, don’t answer that.

The first thing needed is a sample of your Parent/Guardian’s signature. To get ahold of a copy of their signature, just ask them to sign a fake field trip permission paper, or steal a check. As a sample, we’ll assume that their signature looks a little something like this:

Image:John doe sig.PNG

The next step is to make a rough draft. It may look a little like this, depending on your calligraphy skills:

You’re off to a good start. However, practice makes perfect, so keep writing it over and over. You can’t practice too much![2] After practicing for a mere couple of hours, we can assume that your false signature must look at least this good by now:

Image:Fancy john doe writing.PNG

In other words, so fancy and illegible that those hoity-toity snooties at the attendance office couldn’t dare but to accept it. Next comes the harder part: making up an excuse. Vacation, disease (see above), surgery, dentist/orthodontist/doctor appointment, funeral (see above, but not quite as far above as you did before), injury, or any combination of the above are what most schools accept as legitimate excuses. Don’t use the vacation excuse because, besides that being virtually the truth, it’s more fun to lie and feel sneaky. With that exception, I heartily recommend you use all of the excuses at the same time. Your note should read much like this:


Please excuse my son daughter offspring from school, as he/she/it was suffering from amoebic meningitis and was sent by our doctor to the hospital, where it was discovered that he/she/it had acute, second stage osteoporosis. They then had to operate to remove his or her bloated appendix, by request of his/her/it’s dentist. This all occurred shortly after the tragic, teeth-alignment related death of his/her/it’s Grandpa’s Uncle’s Nephew’s Cousin’s Fouth removed Second Cousin’s Father’s Brother-in-law’s Mother’s Ex-boyfriend’s Sister’s Twice removed Aunty’s Great-grandchild named Joe. My child most certainly was not on vacation or skipping school, and may I say how dare you for even considering that.
10:02, 13 December 2009 (UTC)

While the excuse itself is rather outlandish, the signature at the end certifies it. Such is the wonderment of forgery.

Snow Day

A clan of snowmen enjoying their fleeting lives during a typical snow day.

Works best in Northern States and during Winter, preferably both at once. The Snow Day is a rare occurrence during which, somehow, in a way usually directly related to colder/snowier weather, safe transportation to school becomes highly impossible. Snow Days are beloved by children and deemed to be, officially, the most fun and most pranciful excuse for skipping school. The Snow Day formula is as follows:


Or, the amount of water vapor (W) in an integrated column of air directly above the school times the absolute value of the temperature (T)[3] divided by the sum of 547 times S (a value representing summer, 1 if it is summer and 0 if not) plus the number of previous consecutive snow days that year (D). The higher the number, the more likely that a snow day will happen. Study it well.

However, in this case math is not always the answer. For absolute confirmation of a snow day during which school is skipped, watch the local news in the morning or listen to the radio on a day during which even a minuscule amount of snow falls. The anchor should announce if and which schools are closed. If they fail to mention anything, call your school[4]. They will know. If you are going to school, accept this news in a depressed manner, as the secretary may have sympathy and change her mind[5]. Otherwise, laugh in her face, shout some profanities, and abruptly hang up.

Global warming has recently been blamed for decreasing the number of snow days per year. Therefore, you have about ten years left to exploit this method. If you would like to keep having snow days into the indefinite future, stay in school, study hard, invent a time machine, go back to 2000 and vote for Al Gore using a fake ID.

Hurricane Day

See? Friendly, and perfectly domesticated. We advise that you flee.

The Hurricane Day method of skipping school is a little more complicated and often results in a week long break. The first thing you must do is procure a hurricane. Like the Snow Day, only with God on your side will one happen[6]. When God decides to rain unholy vengeance upon your city then that means that there is no school. Contrary to popular belief you actually don’t need to leave a city during a hurricane. Most hurricanes are docile and like to lick you in the face and retrieve tennis balls. However there are certain hurricanes like the Miami Hurricanes who can destroy the average man with a single bound.

The docile breed of hurricane can easily be weathered by staying in your home and watching TV or anything else that could possibly be considered time-wasting. They are actually quite relaxing and certain hurricanes used to be used as aphrodisiacs. However the volatile hurricanes can HIT YOUR WEAKPOINT FOR 8+4d12 DAMAGE!!!!(X3 if you crit!) These hurricanes can cause school skipping for months at a time. You may be forced to enroll at a different school, however, your new school will probably lower its standards to help you and your lead paint chip-eating friends get good grades, thereby keeping the federal funds rolling in. Either way it’s going to be a cakewalk.

Once you get back to your school, life will continue on as normal no matter what kind of hurricane you went through, unless your school was completely demolished during the hurricane; in which case you will be forced to sit in the pile of wood that used to be your school, learning probably about as much as you did before, despite the fact that the chalkboard is now in over a hundred pieces, scattered across three Gulf Coast states.

The Octopus Method

Obtaining octopodes: not as easy as it sounds.

Often lauded as the best yet least used method, The Octopus Method is regarded as the most effective method by far, easily trumping The Note. The process can be summarized by two easy-to-memorize notes:

  1. Obtain an octopus of any variety.
  2. Repeat Step 1 until desired result has been achieved.

Trust us, eventually you will reach such a high number of your cephalopod buddies that those stiffs at the school will just have to let you out from school! This option never fails, though good luck finding enough Octopi without using the extremely pricey Japanese Sea food Black market.

What to do

Now that you officially are school-free for the day, what to do? First, pay off someone to do your homework. Many a fool has gone for all of seven hours work-free, only to have to make up for all of it plus homework at 3:00 PM, effectively wasting half of the day.

Once you have secured your homework-doer-forer-youer, it’s time to PARTAAAAY! … Or so you would think, except that no one else is out from school today. Tragic, is it not?

Yes, such is the realization of many a school skipper. There is little to do. Even TV turns into “Daytime television”, with such monumental horrors as Oprah and *shudder* Soap Operas.

Finally, you will reluctantly come to the depressing realization that you did nothing all day. When you go to school the next day, odds are your heart just won’t be in it. From then on out you’ll be a loose cannon with nothing left to live for, experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex.

On the bright side, if you’re antisocial, you don’t have to put up with those meddling classmates of yours; you probably wait for the bell just to get away from them and get some space. If you followed the steps above, you might have saved years of your life, especially on assembly days. As for what you can do at home, you have Internet, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this HowTo. Have fun looking up pr0n for the rest of your life.

Oh! And it is best to wait until mom has gone to work –>SO<– If u do this often make sure to have a game or something to play


  1. ↑ “Gee Golly, Mrs. Parker, I really woulda come to class today if it weren’t for that peer pressure, honest to goodness I woulda!
  2. ↑ Actually, you can. 25 hours a day would be too much. And, uh, physically impossible
  3. ↑ Here measured, preferably, in the metric system, like most scientific work. However, knowing you as the foolhardy, academics-hating rapscallion that you inherently are, you probably don’t know the metric system anyway, so feel free to use your lousy, inferior American system
  4. ↑ Don’t know the number? Look on your school website. Don’t know your school website? Uh, I assume it would be the name of your school plus a dot edu (.edu). Don’t know your school name? You’re skipping WAY too much.
  5. ↑ If this doesn’t work, somehow reference drowning puppies, a surefire tear-jerker.
  6. ↑ See: Westboro Baptist Church.

IQ:Sample test

Filed under: PC — amerkaj @ 11:19 am
Tags: , , ,

IQ:Sample test

Warning: This will probably make no sense to you.
This article may be hilarious if you are familiar with whatever it pretends to explain, but otherwise you will probably have no idea what the hell is going on. If you can think of a way to make it more accessible, please do.
IQ Test
Name: <insert name here>

This IQ test is Free. You have 1 hour, starting from yesterday.

Mathematical Section

This section assumes the use of Microsoft Windows 2010. Please make sure it is spotless. If you are caught using hacked or non-regulation windows, you will be destroyed. Furthermore, if you do not use windows at all, you must then remove your left lung (right lung for left-handed people) with yogurt and seaweed and use that as a replacement Microsoft Windows. You have been warned.

– 0. Define infinity as a whole number without using any numbers or symbols(n, x, ∞).
1. Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a ruler. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s and how they will help us in the future of technology.

2. Find the value of h to the nearest square unit in the diagram to the right. (Diagram not to scale.)

3. If one of the measurements in the triangle has an error bound three-eighths of the difference between the other three sides of the triangle (accurate to one-half of a decimal place), locate the incorrect side and calculate a new value for h.

4a. Using only an abacus, calculate the percentage error of the 90 degree angle at the corner of this piece of paper.

4b. Prove or otherwise show that 2 plus 2 equals fries for all non-zero values of 2, but a bushel of potatoes for zero values of 2. Do it now.

5. Deduce the letter Y and subtract 100 then divide the number infinity by this number. (show your work)

6. Explain how you can use melted ice cream and century old Gatorade to create cold fusion.

7. Explain in no less than 48 A4 sides on the subject of why the answer to math isn’t 1. Showing the true value for it and how you derived your answer. You must show all of your work.

8. Prove Fermat’s Last Theorem. Use only the margin for writing your proof.

If this is what you think an apple is, you are most certainly wrong.

9. Little Johnny sharpens his finger in a pencil sharpener. If his arms are 1 meter long, and the speed of sound going through a diamond is smaller than the speed of light, how many more fingers will Little Johnny be able to sharpen before he feels the pain? Express the answer in microfortnights.

10a. If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in an hour and a half, how many waffles does it take to shingle a dog house? Estimate the answer and round to the nearest thousandth. Show all work on the margin of this paper.

10b. From the answer you got in 10a, figure out how many chickens it would take to combine with the dog house to make a flying machine.

10c. How long would it take for these chickens to lay eggs? Include illustrations.

10d. Using the transitive property, calculate the probability of a waffle-shingle imploding into a quasar.

11. Calculate the square root of yellow and multiply it by any secondary color. You may use a prism. Show all work using crayon in the correct color of the answer (accurate within 40 nanometres of wavelength).

12. Count backwards in your head from infinity, and show your thoughts on paper without writing any numbers, letters, symbols, or random scribbles.

13. Calculate the amount of peer pressure applied to get someone to drink in high school. You may use either Torr or PSI in your answer. But not e. That’s obscene.

14. If Bob is eating a ham sandwich at a rate of 24 bites per second and the sandwich has lettuce, pickles, and mustard, when will Joe finish his sandwich? (use the theory of unrelativity and the quadratic formula to find your answer.) State Bob’s time of death.

15. Calculate all possible answers for the question: “How long won’t it take you to complete this test?” Using only an eraser and a protractor. Show all work, but only as far as manual labor.

16. Describe the smell of the letter 3 in 100 words or less, without the use of psychedelic drugs.

17. What does the letter F taste like? Is this not dissimilar but unlike the smell of three, or haven’t you not ever tasted what not F doesn’t taste like? Write your answer without using the letters A, E, I, O, U or sometimes Y. For every time you use one of these letters, you will die.

18. What is the value of the hypotenuse when AE2+BE2=CE2?

19. What is the value of the hypotenuse when nothing really matters anymore?

20. If Johnny shoves a golf ball up his nose and it isn’t Thursday, how much would his appointment be if Ryan Sheckler wasn’t born?

20,3. Joshua is 85 years old. When he is walking down the stairs, there is a probability of 76% that he will fall. If he falls, there is a probability of 98% that he will break his spine. If he breaks his spine, there is a probability of 82% that he will be paralyzed. There is also a probability of 95% that this will happen one week before his birthday. He may also die (54%). Calculate the probability of this: Joshua falls down the stairs, does not break his spine, still becomes paralyzed, all 46 days before his birthday. Joshua does not die then, but dies later, on his birthday.

21a. If you were given 1 chicken, explain how you would make a hydrogen bomb out of the chicken.

21b. If you were given 1 hydrogen bomb, explain how you would make a chicken out of the hydrogen bomb.

22. How many kittens could a woodchuck huff if a woodchuck could huff kittens?

23. If it is Thursday and the person sitting beside you is smoking a clarinet, then how many sevens can fit into an upside down 4? Use basic Trigonometry and the Pythagorean theorem.

24. Using only prime numbers, describe the relation between yesterday and tomorrow. Once you have found that answer, cook a hamburger with a blow dryer and sell it on the black market.

25. Using only the spine of the dead hamster (see 1.5) measure the width of this piece of paper, then write your answer in the form of a function.

26. Choose at least two problems from this list: P vs. NP. Solve using only the slide rule provided. Once you have solved the problem, explain, in detail and at great personal risk, the effect that this equation might have had on the Renaissance period of Sierra Leone. All work must be typed. You may not use a computer, typewriter, or any other print-setting device.

28. If a=b, b=c, and c is a prime number, why does j have a dot at the top? Express your answer in scientific notation. You may only use ink obtained by cutting a calculator in half lengthwise. Points will be deducted for cutting the calculator into any fraction other than 1/2 or by cutting any way other than lengthwise. Explain your answer without using any recognizable characters.

29. If a starving African lion is released into a room where someone is taking an IQ test, and it leaps at an angle of 37 degrees towards the test-taker, how far can it travel? You will test your answer in a live simulation in approximately 47 seconds.

30. Write out, on the back of your paper, all possible answers for the equation x=x. All answers must be given for credit.

31. Use the Pythagorean theorem, the law of relativity, and Fermat’s Last Theorem to prove that aardvarks are, indeed, equal to anteaters.

32. Write the correct value of infinity divided by 3 to 7 decimal places.

33. Using the Alternative Theory of Mathematics, solve for x, in which x is equal to the number of fingers on your foot. Unacceptable answers are: anything involving a decimal, fraction, or percentage, infinity, any number less than or equal to 0, or anything other than a number greater than 9000. Note: If you are a Neanderthal or a primate, skip this question- it will not count against you.

34. There are five babies. Differentiate this function in terms of pink.

35. If x=5, discuss the feasibility of a socialist government run by E.T. in terms of x. Show your work.

36. Only using similar triangles, prove that the sky is blue.

37. If e is equal to Pi, and Pi is equal to blueberry, how much does (aj^2 + bj + c + j) equal in terms of Pi? Integrate any function using blueberry.

38. Explain the use of an internal combustion engine. Use a rabbit to define x, and the chair you’re sitting on to calculate the probability of rain in the next 4-5 months.

39. If a man jumps at a 500 degrees angle straight at the ground at 50 miles per millisecond, how long will a flight to London take?

40. Using the same method in question 35, discuss the feasibility of sandwiches, in terms of x.

41. If Rabbit Is To Goat And Goat Is To Rabbit What Is Alf To? Extra credit: write a 600 page essay on how this is possible without using a word that means possible or impossible.

42. Why does 1+1 equal 2, 0, 10, 11, any number, and “window” simultaneously?

43. How does 1+1 equal 2, 0, 10, 11, any number, and “window” simultaneously?

44. Does 1+1 really equal 2, 0, 10, 11, any number, and “window” simultaneously? If not, how and why?

45. Calculate the proximity of Alpha Centauri to Earth in 5.2 million years. Use half an Oreo as your only measurement tool. (Extra marks will be given if the Oreo is replaced with a lemur.) Show working.

46. Taking X to equal the amount of tennis rackets in a sports shop and Y to equal the amount of money in a particular bank, calculate the probability of a toasted waffle having a significant impact on the Ukrainian presidential election of 2034.

47. Disprove all Euclidean geometry with nothing but Euclidean geometry and a 38-dimensional tesseract. Show your work by carving it into the back of a live crocodile. You may not sedate the crocodile. Failure to do so will result in a total collapse of the universe.

Reasoning Section

The information contained in this article is dangerous.
Do not try this at home, kids; go over to a friend’s house.

This is a no-brainer section. This does not mean that the questions are easy, it means you must remove your brain and put it under your desk for this section of the test. You will receive an F if you are caught using your brain, or if you are caught looking at someone else’s. If you are already brain deficient, you may proceed without caution. Note: For people who require a brain to function correctly, you may choose not to remove it, but you will receive only half-marks for successfully answered questions.
1. What would happen if the sun burned out? Practical experimentation is permitted.

2. If Achmed is a dead terrorist and has 3 oranges and 2 apples, how would he go about constructing a nail bomb?

3. Perform a miracle. You will be awarded extra marks for creativity.

4. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with the flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

5. If This is That, and These are Those, and today is not Sunday, how long will it take for Tim to finish this test?

6. If Jimi Hendrix has six apples and Johnny has four apples, where’s the polar bear to eat the apples?

7. Using the piano, construct a time machine to hand in this test before you were given it.

Jack Daniel’s was far too expensive, so you have a cheap copy.

8. Using your innovation, write your answers to the rest of the test in your own blood. If you cannot do this question, blood can be provided for you at the cost of three points.

9. Justify the need for ham sandwiches.

9a. Using the answer to the previous question, explain a mouse.

10. Without testing, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? How many to get to the center of a Dum-Dum? We’ve provided the Tootsie pop and we would provide a Dum-Dum, but nobody likes Dum-Dum’s.

11. Consider the liar paradox: “This sentence is false.” Presume this statement is true. Discuss.

11a. Extra points will be awarded if you could prove that sentence really to be false.

12. If a bear is traveling North North-East towards Narnia at a velocity approaching the speed of light for one hour, then turns left at the 864th junction and continues straight ahead for another decade, what colour is his hat? (Bonus: What species of bear is it?)

13. If a biplane is traveling south from Chicago at eleventy-six mph, and suddenly begins changing direction at random intervals, how probable is it that the pilot will get a raise within the next month?

14. If it takes a man and a half a day and a half to dig a hole and a half with a shovel and a half, then how long would it take a grasshopper with a peg leg to kick all the seeds out of a cucumber?

15. Express your weener as a fraction. Divide this by the smell of the number 3. How many apples does little Johnny now have? If you do not have a weener, use someone else’s.

16. If you had 3 Pepsi’s and drank 2 of them, how much more refreshed are you?

17. If, after drinking the Pepsi’s from the previous question, you are still not satisfied, how many Snickers should you eat?

18. Describe the universe; give four examples.

19. Memorize the entire English dictionary and recite it in your choice of any West African language. Minimum of fifty clicks per definition.

20. If a glass isn’t half empty or half full when it’s spilled on the floor, how long does it take little Johnny to fix?

22. What? Who done it? Explain:

23. Using your inability to do the impossible, find the answer to the following question without doing so; Is this question correctable?

24. If Ooon-cha weighs 38 grams, and a Tyrannosaurus Rex weighs 20 tons, how many swings against a wall does it take to kill a bag full of kittens? (Hint: Disregard any chance of Slovenian army intervention)

25. Understand and explain your girlfriend. (If you do not have a girlfriend the instructor will provide you with one) (Results may vary).

26. Brad Pitt is more religious than Paris Hilton. Katie Price is less conservative than Brad Pitt and Angela Lansbury is just as clever as Roger Federer. How will this affect Richard Dawkins’ sales.

The Section is over. You may re-insert your brain now. If you find yourself unable to do so, moan incessantly until the instructor becomes annoyed and does it for you. If you were brain deficient before this section, you may negate this and move on to the next section. If you are now brain deficient, but were not before this section, bang your head on the desk and your instructor will provide you with a new brain. (Quality assured by the U.S. Government)

Scientific Section

1. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of the color pink on science. You may draw a diagram to illustrate your answer.

2. You have been provided with a scalpel and some whiskey. Remove your liver and dissect it. After this, drink the whiskey and eat the liver.

3a. Deduce the location of the edge of the universe using the compass and protractor you found in your liver. (See question 2)

3b. Consider the fact that the universe is infinitely expanding. Now, with that in consideration, deduce the location of the edge of the universe in 4 years, 2 months, 9 days, 4 hours, 30 minutes, 2 seconds, and 7 deciseconds.

3 1/2. By using your DNA, find the cure for cancer and submit it to the AMA in the form of a heavy metal song.

4. Determine the gravitational force between you and this test using the scalpel provided earlier. You must show your work. (no materials provided)

4a. Explain to a salmon the Theory of Unrelativity, then train it to finish this test, using only sign language and a tissue.

5. Explain the argument behind the fushestal elementum theory. Use modern pentium particle physics to help disprove this theory.

6. Use the empty whiskey bottle found on your desk and a pencil to observe an experiment where you inject Mercury into your veins. Note down your observations every 30 seconds.

7. Deduce and or hence otherwise find the colour of a neutron.

8. The statement “Light is an absence of darkness” is incorrect. Explain why.

9. Would you rather be a proton or an electron? Why or why not?

10. Prove the non-existence of God. Then, using only words from your argument against the existence of God, prove the existence of God. You may create a God if necessary.

11. Seduce at least 4 emo children using only a computer, myspace and a webcam.

12. Remove the lead from your pencil. Turn this lead into gold. You may use both sides of the paper if necessary.

13. Using the principle of conservation of matter, what will the karat value of the gold produced from the above project amount to? What would the value be if you were to instead use 3 mangoes and a large potato?

14. Describe the entire anatomy of a muppet in terms of ratios of fuzziness to just plain annoying sometimes.

15. Describe what DTN means to you.

1092/71sts. Calculate the circumference of space (correct to 3 significant figures) using only your left thumb and some tooth floss. Using your answer, extrapolate the number of leprachauns present in the forests of Machu Pichu.

16. Determine which of the following sub-atomic particles is most partial to binge-drinking: Up quark, electron, photon

17. Use the Scalpel, the whiskey bottle and the liver remains (see question 2) to find the effect of hamburgers on birds. Note: Bats can’t be used, nor any other reptile.

18. Determine the difference between a seagull.

19. Explain the difference between plutonium’s atomic weight and oxygens atomic weight in a 39 page essay. Use only waffles and a sweatshirt for materials. No materials provided.

The rare venom-spitting red-eyed Bullfrog!

20. Describe in detail what this frog is thinking without using any vowels.

21. What is the gravitational pull of Christina Ricci’s forehead?

22. Why do ducks?

23. Two subatomic particles walk into a bar. Why?

24. Re-Create the death-star using a dildo and a red pencil sharpener. Bonus points will be awarded for the inclusion of a carrot-powered laser.

25. [This question is currently unavailable, due to lack of sandwiches]

25a. *Bonus* Use the carrot-powered laser that you have to destroy 3 random spacial features (black hole, nebula, star, planet, asteroid, etc.)

26. Using only a grape and a leaf, make a three-sided rock. For bonus marks, make a two-sided rock.

27.How long can you breathe underwater tell us when you fail and die?

Extra Credit: End world hunger.


All external logic are prohibited for this section. Use only logic provided by the test. If you are caught using logical thoughts from outside the testing room, you will be subject to lobotomy. Cardiovascular corruptions possible due to extreme stress.

1) Using the time machine created using the piano, create a bagel-Powered sidearm function.

2) Use the bagel-powered sidearm function to invade Kuwait.

  • Bonus: using the bagel sidearm function and your liver remains, prove newton’s 5th law using counter-evidence.

3) What is the answer to this question?

4) Do not answer this question.

5) Did you realize that the previous question was not, in fact, a question, but a command?

6) So, should you have answered #3?

7) Imagine a color you have never seen before. Name this color.

7b) Describe this color to a blind person. If you do not have a blind person one will be provided for you.

8) If P, then Q. If Q, then P. Therefore, R? Explain in exactly nineteen words without using letters.

True and/or False

Please only answer with “True” and/or “False”. Failure to do so will disqualify your test and/or test your disqualification. -1. true or false?

1. Describe the nature of the universe.

2. Sanity.

3. 7+19 = ?

4. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he was riding a train going 45.3 MPH leaving London heading towards Los Angeles with a wind resistance of 20MPH?

5. Write a sixty-line sonnet using only the words “My”, “her”, “was”, “should,” “bacon,” and “Jerry Springer.”

6. Why?

7. The answer to this question is “False”.

8. The Doe family was an ancient Amphibian race.

9.When Johnny’s head falls off, how many muffins will Bill not have?

10. The moral dilemma between doing what is right and what is easy.

11. The man reads the dictionary fifteen times, each time reading a different book. Explain your answer without using letters, words, numbers or symbols. [BONUS: What was the man’s name?”]

12. When did you have your computer last updated? You must not include a date nor a specific event that happened at that exact point in time.

13. If 3.14 is pie then why cant we eat it? Explain this with cutting a orange in half, a rhyming word starting with the letter KAT, and then feed a dead homeless man this pie.

Bonus: write a 800 page essay on how I got this Question mark up side down (¿).

14. In 5 words explain the meaning of life, For extra marks use two words.

15. Using your answer from 14, explain Newton’s 5th Law in full detail without using the words ‘Newton’, ‘the’, ‘when’, ‘how’, or ‘why’. For bonus marks don’t use any of the following letters: A, E, I, O, or U.

Linguistic Section

This section is a section involving language. You must answer every question in English or Cambodian. Failure to do so will result in a F-.

Diagram for representational purposes only.

1. Describe in detail. Be objective, broad, and specific.

2. Which of the below is the odd one out:

  • Camembert
  • Trout
  • Cheddar
  • Brie
  • You

3. Spell antidisestablishmentarianism, without looking at how it has been spelled on this paper.

4. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis is a technical term for a lung disease. Explain the origin of its naming, with references to Greek architecture.

5. Find the exact point at which you would die of boredom from taking this test. Use evidence from The Catcher In The Rye to help explain your answer.

6. Kill yourself and hand in the test promptly 2 hours after answering this question.

7. Try to find a correct synonym for “antonym”.

8. Try to find a correct anagram for “anagram”, preferably one that is also a synonym for antonym.

9. Create an invasion force using a pen, an apple and a car, then implement this in a strike on East Germany.

10. Describe the word “indescribable”, without using the word describe or any negatives.

11. Why?

12. John has never not refrained from not avoiding not doing his homework. Is it not untrue that he has not forgotten to do his homework unless today is not Monday?

13. How would this test affect John if he refrained from not uncompleting this test if yesterday is not tomorrow?

14. Write out all of the words in the English language. You may ask for additional paper if needed.

15. In five minutes, ten thousand drunken crazed aborigines will storm the exam room. Calm them down. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.

16. Quote the Bible 7 times, each one give reference to how it inspired a Tori Amos lyric.

17. What is a scransom?

18. How many times may one flange a scransom before it becomes exflangulated?

19. Using the word “using”, how long does it take to establish a democratic government in Saudi Arabia?

20. There is no 20!

21. Do not answer this question. How can I answer that question if it is not a question? That was a question. Answer that question.

Writing Prompt

1) a) Dog. Why? Explain in a 42 page essay including introduction, body, and conclusion. BE SPECIFIC

2) Summarize the great works of Proust in terms of only: your mom, a PVC catsuit, a feather and Chewbacca

3) “Because.” Discuss.

4) Prove, in 100 words or less, the Riemann Hypothesis.

5) Summarize Proust’s Remembrance of Times Past using only words related to pigs and/or wild boar. Your summary may not exceed 15 words.

6) Does all your base are belong to us? Write a one word essay using at least 100 direct quotations from ancient scriptures for great justice. Do not forget to set us up the bomb. Make your time.

7) Describe the color yellow in a 15-page essay and its impact on coin-operated body waxing machines.

8) Write a 60-page essay explaining why Madonna is a Cylon.

9) Make a recording of a 2 word essay on how Pythagoras defeated tom cruise why calculating his theorem while

breaking the world record for the longest time sitting on goose while finding the square root of the speed of light.

Extra credit :If a woolly mammoth was thawed out and then lost on Jeopardy, then what is the bone density of a normal rock?

10) Write a 15 page essay about the letter “9” 10b) If Nicki Dan McMonaghan is streaking at a football game at the speed of 19 muscle spasms per fathom how is it that Donald Trump’s skin tastes better than Arby’s curly fries.(Answer this question without using the words “Albert”, “Narwhale”,and “Donny Osmand”. (Bonus: Find the answer to cat squared divided by parrot).

Language Skills

1) Outlet of the window holding the spider in the air and I DORIGIFUTOKARUCHIZU When thinking about the life of a bowl of soup donut … Hoolio believe? yoyoyo mosquitoes, wear a disguise when all along the Theater heheheheh funny! Kids quiet! Or a monkey to life. For dipping sauce, Pruning the roses. If this hole is not gunna Judas can not open the mole rat Distance, the plane out, I imagine my sister’s going with love goo gooo The second time, she is a good idea is not gunna have not been … This is your time to It is my thumb is that you need to really understand, you have all the adventures Loser is the world’s mega-Doo DADIZUNI monkeys to attack the pony CMNMJG puppy. By OMG. Last night, I went to the store and bought a lot of cool things like eating your video For vegetables, I bought the peanut hearts and their toes! My brother and I use the magic of fine dust and weeding out the cheese for breakfast, I try. My sister To kill anyone behind for the next BUBITORAPPUMEIN is a healthy way Issues like awesomeness. Insensitive people, meet their death in a pet REMONEDOKURIO Trogdor hole to Mrs. Dolphin, my league is not required poo I will appear in the basement. If I die, I will change the foundation of the Apes I, I was swimming in summer and winter … I knew love butterflies are flying in the sea 12:00 mutation in a runny nose, hot pickled skiers from the slopes of our mountains! This Are written in a strange way. Hooblop words have to be decoded.

2) Explain why when a sentence is translated from English to Japanese, and then back again several times, it becomes more and more gelatinous.

3) Recite the FBI warnings at the beginning of a movie in Spanish while speaking the native tongue of a horse simultaneously. If you do not succeed, call a local agent. Our operators are standing by.

4) The coffee does the lard of your love and the stern of my mouth where the extreme nuclear weapon of the tacos has been attached in me. Explain this sentence in terms of infinity squared.

Extra credit

1) Once your done eat the 1st pie never to exist.

2) Then tell me all the digits of pi.

3) Prove that the universe is infinite.

4) List the name of everything that doesn’t exist.

5) Try to decipher the text of rabid 12 year old fan girls on Brad Pitt’s twitter page while drinking a glass of water.

Thank You

Please leave all testing materials which you do not own above the desk in a levitating gravity stasis field. If you do not have one you can find one inside the matter/antimatter superextension compressor found under your desk along with the piano. When the invigilator tells you to do so, kindly leave the testing hall in an orderly fashion. Thank you for taking the test, and have a nice day.

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